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Squirrels Deny any Involvement with Terrorist Attacks.

By Defect in MLP
Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 04:40:53 AM EST
Tags: You Know... (all tags)
You Know...

I was walking down to my car today after waking up at 10:30 (I am usually expected to be at work at 8 of the clock) and sitting on the trunk my car was a magnificent Grey Squirrel. We stared at each other for what seemed like hours, but when I tried to kiss him he ran away, though not before shouting "we are innocent." I'm assuming he was referring to recent worldly events, but it could be something else. Regardless, I took it upon myself to spread the word and show you cute pictures of squirrels.


Dancing Squirrels, Flying Squirrels, Black Squirrels, Red Squirrels (awwww, soo cute), Blue Squirrels, and White Squirrels.

Now go catch them and take more pictures.

Hey, it's better than reading more worthless crap about politics and other worldly affairs. We need to remember that, while we may be in rough times right now, we still have squirrels!


pssst. look, it's the devil!


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o Grey! 11%
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Votes: 112
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Squirrels Deny any Involvement with Terrorist Attacks. | 53 comments (50 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
You forgot about... (4.44 / 9) (#1)
by Zeram on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 01:55:59 PM EST

the ever popular crack squirrel!
Like Anime? In the Philly metro area? Welcome to the machine...
they were too busy (3.66 / 6) (#5)
by Sikpup on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:24:12 PM EST

Raping my avacado tree. A 35'+ tall tree that produces hundreds of avacados, and I'm lucky to get more than a dozen or two, while the squirrels eat that everyday.

No more cute squirrel thoughts, its more like where is that pellet gun.

my GOD (4.77 / 9) (#7)
by Defect on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:29:49 PM EST

Violence is not the answer. Have you ever even tried talking to them? I bet not, and here you are threatening death.

They might be trying to communicate with you, and for all you know they could be warning you that your tree has poisonous avacados.

They could be saving your life.
defect - jso - joseth || a link
[ Parent ]
actually (4.00 / 3) (#27)
by Sikpup on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 08:41:20 PM EST

I have. I get cussed at. Quite vulgar. If they were poisonous, I wouldn't have a yard full of 5 lb squirrels.

btw the whole neighborhood is overrun with them. Thousands, literally, over a couple of blocks.

[ Parent ]
They are your fellow citizens (3.00 / 1) (#38)
by miller on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 11:12:31 AM EST

What makes you think that you have more right to live in your neighbourhood than these so called 'squirrels'?

Remember these are not the same rodents that caused any attacks - those are just an unrepresentative extremist minority of the squirrel population.

It's too bad I don't take drugs, I think it would be even better. -- Lagged2Death
[ Parent ]

Nothing... (4.00 / 2) (#43)
by Sikpup on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 12:26:18 PM EST

I don't mind sharing. I do mind when they take ALL the nectarines, ALL the apples, ALL the peaches, and 95% of the avacados.

I won't even comment on the loud ruckus they make, scolding each other and chasing each other off. Overpopulation of any species (yes including human) in an area is bad. (Opening up the forever favorite "Yes, but who decides...")

[ Parent ]
Cussing squirrels? (4.00 / 2) (#41)
by bunsen on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 12:03:53 PM EST

I get cussed at. Quite vulgar.

You must have run into this one.

Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
[ Parent ]

Pellet gun? (4.33 / 3) (#10)
by wiredog on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:50:35 PM EST

Use a shotgun. 410 if you're shooting for the pot, 12 gauge if you're shooting for max damage.

If there's a choice between performance and ease of use, Linux will go for performance every time. -- Jerry Pournelle
[ Parent ]
Squirrel deterrent (4.33 / 3) (#12)
by The Larch on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:03:42 PM EST

Here is another way to keep the squirrels out of your avocado tree. Much more fun than a pellet gun, and more ecological than a shotgun. The device can also be automated for maximum squirrel deterring power.

[ Parent ]
great site (3.33 / 3) (#29)
by Sikpup on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 08:47:59 PM EST

I've seen it before. Quite a few laughs. Except for that lego porn thing with the horse...

[ Parent ]
Deterent (4.66 / 3) (#19)
by Rand Race on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:35:59 PM EST

May I suggest a Norwegian Forest Cat to solve your, or anyone's, squirel problem. My norwegian has wiped my yard clean of squirels (and chipmunks, moles, rats, mice, and the dumber birds). The last squirel I saw in my yard, last summer, lasted about 2 minutes before the cat wasted it. I've got a siamese and a shorthair too, but they are pikers compared to the norwegian when it comes to hunting. I have never seen a domesticated animal so proficient at hunting in my life.

"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, He must approve the homage of Reason rather than that of blindfolded Fear." - Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]

nice cat (4.00 / 3) (#28)
by Sikpup on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 08:44:07 PM EST

Quite spectacular. Unfortunately, my wife is deadly alergic to cats. And the neighborhood cats don't seem to be up to the task. Actually, our neighborhood could use a few dozen of those cats.

[ Parent ]
About your cat's hunting... (4.00 / 1) (#47)
by Anymoose on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 06:12:09 PM EST

See my post elsewhere in this story detailing my old cat Cujo's hunting practices.

My question is, what does YOUR cat do with the squirrels after it kills them? Cujo used to bring home the heads and leave them at our back door step. We never figured out what he did with the rest of 'em. No misplaced torso's, no skeletal fossils, no trace at all. We figured after Cuj' was gone, we'd find a spot behind or beneath some large object littered with squirrel parts/bones - but no heads. Never did though...

The great Cujo-Cat mystery!

I AM, Therefore I THINK
[ Parent ]

You had to ask (none / 0) (#52)
by Rand Race on Thu Oct 18, 2001 at 04:34:05 PM EST

Well, truth to tell, he actualy eats them.. heads too. All he leaves are the tails. It's kind of disgusting because lately he's been pulling down big 'ole rabbits, I mean bunnies almost as big as he is(~12Lbs), and it takes him several hours to devour the thing. And of course he does it in the middle of the yard. I don't know how he does it but he seems to devour the bones as well.

The wierd thing is that he insists someone witness the kill before he eats it. Woke me up at 3 in the morning the other night wailing outside my window. I go to let him in and all he does is spit out this rat and stand there. So I go back to bed and when I let him in in the morning there's just the tail left. The only exception is the moles which he will occasionaly kill but will never eat. I think they taste like dirt and aren't that much fun to hunt.

"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, He must approve the homage of Reason rather than that of blindfolded Fear." - Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]

Re: they were too busy (4.00 / 1) (#46)
by tanner andrews on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 05:03:01 PM EST

) raping my avocado tree

Don't think of it as damaging the crop. Think of it, rather, as fattening themselves nicely. In return, we won't accuse you of hunting over a baited field.

Yes, they _are_ delicious. Pan fried, thanks.

[ Parent ]

Don't forget (4.28 / 7) (#6)
by neophile on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:24:30 PM EST

The albino squirrel.

Squirrels are yummy (4.14 / 7) (#8)
by Anonymous 242 on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:36:47 PM EST

One of my favorite ways to cook them is to dip the meat into flour and bake for 20 minutes at 425 degrees (Farenheight).

Of course, one has to be careful not to eat the brains. . .


Lee Irenæus Malatesta

AFAIK (4.00 / 7) (#9)
by decoy on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:37:20 PM EST

Red Squirrels (awwww, soo cute)

Red squirrels are no better than rats I tell you! Gray squirrels are the cute (and smart!) ones.

Ever seen a red squirrel go through those obstacle courses to get at some food? No, I didn't think you did.

Grey Squirrels are Nazis (4.50 / 2) (#32)
by codemonkey_uk on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 06:17:04 AM EST

The Grey Squirrel army is commited to a program of ethnically cleansing their smaller, less aggressive Red brothers from the planet. Do not fall for their insidious propaganda!

If their plans are carried out undisturbed the Red Squirrel could be wiped out by 2010.

The Grey squirrels are using a powerful biological weapon to attack the Red Squirrel - a virus that all Grey army solders carry with which to infect the un-inoculated Reds.

Down With The Grey Squirrel! Long Live The Oppressed Red Squirrel!

But don't just believe me - do the research.
"The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." - Bertrand Russell
[ Parent ]

An opposing view! (4.50 / 6) (#11)
by chipuni on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 02:58:43 PM EST

Defect must only be listening to the Ground-Lovers Organization for the Squirrel Society of Yesteryear. Those old bushytails of GLOSSY know nothing about the armed rebellion of today's squirrels! SQRRRLZ RULE!

This picture , this picture , this picture , this picture, , and this picture demonstrate that not all squirrels are easily distracted by acorns. Let the revolution begin!
Perfection is not reached when nothing more can be added, but only when nothing more can be taken away.
Wisdom for short attention spans.

propaganda spreading FOOL (4.50 / 4) (#14)
by Defect on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:14:51 PM EST

Why don't you just throw bert in those pictures to further your malicious intent.

Your fear mongering has gone UNWELCOME in this squirrel loving community.

You would probably like it if squirrels went extinct, wouldn't you? Have you thought about what would happen if such a thing ever occurred? The acorn population would sky rocket, we'd have to have a year round acorn hunting season to keep the population under control, and that would just get all the salad-eating, anti-makeup-testing-on-bunnies, i-don't-like-beef-because-smelly-ugly-nasty-cows-are-cute hippy freaks up in arms over the morals regarding the annual slaughter of acorns.

Think ahead.

As jesus once said: Love Thy Skwerls.
defect - jso - joseth || a link
[ Parent ]
No Squirrels (3.71 / 7) (#13)
by rusty on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:14:17 PM EST

As far as I can determine, there are no squirrels on Peaks Island. We're fresh out of squirrels. A few chipmunks, but not a squirrel to be found. Plump acorns just lie on the ground and rot, for want of squirrels. Nuts go unhoarded. We are a squirrel-free community.

Squirrels are stupid, anyway.

Not the real rusty

stupidity is not the issue! (4.25 / 4) (#16)
by Defect on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:21:02 PM EST

The damn creatures are cute. If we were to denounce every creature that lacked half a brain, then cats would be one of the top on that list.

But cats are cute too!

That is the point here, the entire cuteness factor. How can you not love squirrels, all bushy tailed, buggy eyed, poofty cheeked, squirple chirping. Now cats, and squirrels would be just too much for my brain to handle.

Of course, if they got along, i mean. I don't really think a mauled squirrel beneath a suddenly fatter cat is all that cute.
defect - jso - joseth || a link
[ Parent ]
Stupidity *is* the issue! (4.33 / 3) (#20)
by rusty on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:45:41 PM EST

I'm willing to admit that cats aren't exactly nature's little geniuses. But they're a species of Feynmans compared to the utter blankness which inhabits the mind of the common squirrel.

Here's a little experiment. Next time you see a squirrel out eating some nuts of whatever, find some smallish pebbles on the ground, and chuck them at him until you hit him (the squirrel will not run away until actually hit, trust me). Then count the seconds before he's back to the exact same spot, totally oblivious of the already proven danger. I can almost guarantee it will be less than 30 seconds. You may repeat this process for eternity, because squirrels apparently have an operational life history of about 30 seconds. Anything earlier than that just never happened, as far as they're concerned.

Truly, squirrels are the red-headed stepchildren of the clan rodentia.


Squirrel story unrelated to the above:

In DC, I used to live near the National Zoo, and for a while I noticed that there were these very odd-looking squirrels running around in the park by my house. They were kind of skinny, and black. I figured that DC just had different species of squirrels than New England. Then I found out that in fact, these black squirrels were in the zoo, but some escaped and had colonized the local area. Bizarrely, they still had some in the zoo, which always struck me as kind of pointless, since they had already become part of the local wildlife scene. They have a whole bunch of mice too, which I also don't really get. I mean... they're mice. Who cares?

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

Squirrels and cats (4.25 / 4) (#24)
by ucblockhead on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 06:24:59 PM EST

Having many (too many) cats, and living in any area infested with squirrels, I can assure you that cats are dumber than squirrels.

This is k5. We're all tools - duxup
[ Parent ]

Squirrels (3.66 / 3) (#30)
by shirobara on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 09:01:40 PM EST

There's a ton of squirrels around here and, for all intents and purposes, they're completly tame. If you lunge at one and say "Boo!" you might get a reaction. Maybe.

You can always tell who the parents of freshmen on this campus are. They're the ones photographing the squirrels.

[ Parent ]
Whatever, Rusty. (4.50 / 4) (#31)
by Anonymous 6522 on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 10:55:43 PM EST


[ Parent ]
You just back up their a moment (3.00 / 1) (#33)
by codemonkey_uk on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 06:27:22 AM EST

Are you trying to imply that cats are stupid? I don't know where you got that idea, but however you decide to back it up is sure to be a Fallacious Argument.

Cats are smarter than you or I my friend. They live in the lap of comfort, and have free food and love without lifting a finger. No. Less than that. They get pampered like kings, whilst treating their owners with the contempt of the genuinely superior.

Now that's smart.

Not life those stupid dogs. With their fetching and begging, and having to do work for a living.
"The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." - Bertrand Russell
[ Parent ]

Mauled Squirrels (4.00 / 1) (#45)
by Anymoose on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 04:46:14 PM EST

Well, I've never seen a mauled squirrel, but I once had a cat - appropriately named "Cujo" - who was in the rather interesting habit of bringing home "presents" for us...

These "presents" took the form of q squirrel's head! Not the body - nope! Never found any of them! Just the heads. Lots of 'em! Cujo was a regular squirrel head-hunter!

I thought at one point of mounting the little heads on little sticks and posting them around the yard to help scare away any squirrels not "in the know" about Cujo. But I was young, and my mother yelled at me - so we just tossed them in the trash and thanked Cujo for his generousity.

I miss Cujo... he was a cool cat!

I AM, Therefore I THINK
[ Parent ]

Terrorists! (4.83 / 6) (#15)
by SPrintF on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:17:29 PM EST

Actually, the common ground squirrel is major disease vector for bubonic plague. So, I wouldn't get all comfy-cozy with them.

This is why you shouldn't pick up dead squirrels. Their (plague-bearing) fleas will abandon ship and attach themselves to you.

/That/ is why... (4.42 / 7) (#18)
by Defect on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:27:50 PM EST

... we must educate them. Bring them into our society, give them books to read, beds to sleep in, and most importantly, love. If they had a place to shower or bathe, they wouldn't be spreading these awful diseases.

Don't you feel sorry for them? It's like walking through a trailor park, you can't denounce the creatures there because they have no teeth. It's not their fault they don't know what a toothbrush is.
defect - jso - joseth || a link
[ Parent ]
squirrelly! (4.83 / 6) (#17)
by garlic on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 03:21:26 PM EST

Here you see the reasonning behind the squirrel attacks. Squirrels wouldn't hate us so much if our squirrel fishing policies were not as harsh on the entire squirrel species.

or maybe not, but the pictures sure are funny.

HUSI challenge: post 4 troll diaries on husi without being outed as a Kuron, or having the diaries deleted or moved by admins.

yeah? (5.00 / 1) (#35)
by Skwirl on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 08:11:13 AM EST

But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?

"Nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself." -- Herman Hesse
[ Parent ]
Squirrels can throw stuff 2x their body weight! (5.00 / 1) (#50)
by libertine on Thu Oct 18, 2001 at 04:41:55 AM EST

Personal experience with one old, mean, nasty gray squirrel taught me that not only are squirrels quite strong for their size, but that they can be carnivorous by choice.

I found this out from the squirrel that was in the back yard of a house I once lived in. This squirrel hated us passionately, and would regularly follow along the fence as we walked down the driveway and into the back door of the house. Upon us reaching the back door, said ancient nasty squirrel would rush up its tree (near the back door), and proceed to throw some of the most amazing garbage down on us- with quite a bit of force.

Items retrieved from the scene of the attacks were not limited to the following: used baby diapers, broken crockery, walnuts, old butter knives, tupperware, rocks (ranging from pebbles to fist sized stones), branches, a Cadillac hubcap, and a used coconut shell.

The most disturbing item was when it hit my girlfriend in the head with the rib bone of an animal. We later found out it had belonged to a dog. That was not the disturbing part. The disturbing part was that the squirrel had very clearly gnawed it clean of any meat.

We started using the front door after the dog bone. I kept a really big stick by the back door- something I could lift, but hopefully the squirrel could not.

"Live for lust. Lust for life."
[ Parent ]

My first laugh of the day! (4.40 / 5) (#21)
by maveness on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 04:44:53 PM EST

I'm voting this up because the title alone made me guffaw, and right now I need all the guffaws I can get.

Plus, I have to agree, that the red squirrel pictures are just toooooo cute.

Latest fortune cookie: "The current year will bring you much happiness." As if.

oh really? (4.16 / 6) (#22)
by rebelcool on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 05:23:01 PM EST

I recall after the anthrax started first appearing, cnn had a display of the various potential biological agents with a little fluff graphic next to each one...

Next to the bubonic plague was the picture of a squirrel.

Innocent? I think not.

COG. Build your own community. Free, easy, powerful. Demo site

I'm really really disappointed in you (4.40 / 5) (#23)
by GreenHell on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 05:24:17 PM EST

You didn't post the link to this page, which happens to be the only type of squirrel that lives in my area.

Bah, just for that, I'm not giving out any acorns...

This .sig was my last best hope to seem eloquent. It failed.
Squirrels harboring terrorists? (4.80 / 10) (#25)
by stewartj76 on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 07:03:50 PM EST

But as our Commander in Chief said "If you're not with us, you're against us" so until we get full support from the squirrels, commence launching cruise missles at them!

Oh, and I'm a card-carrying anti-squirrelite. I don't trust anything with a tail that bushy.

-1 (3.60 / 5) (#26)
by sigwinch on Tue Oct 16, 2001 at 08:22:49 PM EST

Not enough exclamation marks. Get some help from enani and resubmit.

I don't want the world, I just want your half.

And Don't Forget! (4.00 / 3) (#34)
by Nater on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 07:43:27 AM EST

Drunk squirrels!

i heard someone suggest that we should help the US, just like they helped us in WWII. By waiting three years, then going over there, flashing our money around, shagging all the women and acting like we owned the place. --Seen in #tron

To paraphrase Toy Story... (3.66 / 3) (#36)
by Obvious Pseudonym on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 08:24:41 AM EST

"That's not a squirrel... it's just a rat with style!"

We have an albino grey squirrel that lives in the trees by our offices. Seeing it jumping about really cheers you up when your code doesn't work and you need a distraction.

Obvious Pseudonym

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Red Squirrel Conspiracy (4.00 / 4) (#37)
by senjiro on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 10:51:50 AM EST

It is obvious from the links displayed, that the poster is a blatant co-conspirator of the RSFWD (Red Squirrels for World Domination). If you look at each of the pictures, other squirrels are depicted as adults, doing typical tree-rat like things including but not limited to dropping acorns on vehicles and other miscreant activities. The _RED_SQUIRRELS_ however, are depicted as small cute fuzzy babies, begging for love. Thus, they lull us into a sense of safety and joy. "How cute! They could never overthrow Western Civilization, and therefore, the world." DO NOT BE FOILED BY THEIR PLOY. Join UWGP (Up With Guinea Pigs) today and save the planet!
it is by will alone that i set my mind in motion
ugh, squirrels. (3.33 / 3) (#39)
by chopper on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 11:24:26 AM EST

man, i hate squirrels.

not that they don't provide me with endless hours of suicidal entertainment- in my neighborhood squirrels have a strange habit of taking swan dives off of telephone wires and face-planting themselves into the sidewalk.

in fact, a week ago my roommate saw one give up the ghost in such a fashion only to be run over by the ice cream man seconds later. no filmmaker could have created a better shot.

plus, my two ex-roommates, slobs that they are, once found a half dead squirrel and brought it inside the house to nurse it back to health. so we've got this stinky, bleeding half-dead squirrel pooping up a storm all over the basement, josh wants to shoot it and milo, our dog wants to eat it.

needless to say, i'm not a fan of squirrels.

give a man a fish,he'll eat for a day

give a man religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish

Yummy (3.66 / 3) (#40)
by Hefty on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 11:31:41 AM EST

Squirrels taste good *picks teeth* little stringy though.

If you're into squirrels... (3.25 / 4) (#42)
by Duke Machesne on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 12:09:23 PM EST

I think I have something that may be of great interest to you.

Squirrel Racial Tensions (4.25 / 4) (#44)
by DJBongHit on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 01:19:25 PM EST

During my freshman year at the University of Maryland, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. The northern side of campus is populated with tons of standard-issue grey squirrels, while the southern side of campus is populated with darker, more violent squirrels. If a grey squirrel and a black squirrel happen to run into one another, they'll actually get into a fight! It's nutty watching squirrels fight with each other. I've never seen grey squirrels fight each other or black squirrels fight each other, but put one of each together and they'll duke it out. The black squirrels tend to win these fights too, unless they're outnumbered.

The black squirrels have balls, too. Once I saw one run around inside the dining hall and scavenge for food without making any effort to avoid people.


GNU GPL: Free as in herpes.

Sure... (3.00 / 1) (#48)
by jdtux on Wed Oct 17, 2001 at 06:28:08 PM EST

That's just what you THINK you saw, judgeing from the nick :)

[ Parent ]
squirrels at uark (none / 0) (#49)
by juju2112 on Thu Oct 18, 2001 at 12:46:23 AM EST

One day I walking on the sidewalk here at the University of Arkansas, looking down and listening to my headphones, when I happened to look up and see a squirrel running directly down the center of the sidewalk, straight at me! It was even holding eye contact the whole time. This hadn't ever happened to me before, and I couldn't really think of what to do. Actually my mind went blank, so I just froze and stood there. "Rabid Squirrel Attacks Man On Campus, news at 11", briefly ran through my mind. Then at the last 2 or 3 feet or so it swerved to the side and ran up a tree, at which point some girl behind me started laughing her ass off at me. :)

[ Parent ]
Thanks much (none / 0) (#51)
by jugglhed on Thu Oct 18, 2001 at 01:31:11 PM EST

Thanks much for the squirrel links/pictures. Definitely a refreshing change from the other topic.

To those of you who enjoy eating squirrels, remember that while in the past many people ate squirrel brains, you can get a terrible brain disease doing that. At least, that's what the warning said in the book of country recipes I saw at the Bluegrass Museum in Bean Blossum, IN.

Pfff... (none / 0) (#53)
by Pig Hogger on Thu Oct 18, 2001 at 06:06:45 PM EST

A squirrel is nothing more than a rat with a nice tail...

Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing it's idiot

Squirrels Deny any Involvement with Terrorist Attacks. | 53 comments (50 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
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