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"Attention. Eternal Life Device is already patented..."

By Locke in MLP
Fri May 25, 2001 at 12:09:31 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

"...and is proven by many people to be working. Teleportation is not."

These are the words of Alex Chiu, the eccentric inventor of Eternal Life Devices. At his web site you can order your very own Immortality Ring, read about how badly we need teleportation (now that everyone lives forever), find out how to build a UFO, heal the handicaps, and much much more.

This is one of the funniest (certaintly the gaudiest) web pages I've come across in a long while. Here's a taste from his page about teleportation:
Important news! According to Chinese agriculture expert, the food supply and land of China can only support up to 1.6 billion people. China now has approximately 1.28 billion people. Once China reaches 1.6 billion, China will blow up! That means it will invade Russia, India, Germany, France, and lands among rest of Europe. If we don't hurry up and invent this stuff, you people will face the consequences! I'm Chinese myself, and I truely know Chinese in China are now preparing for war! Don't expect them to lose the war easily. They are fighting for their own survival.

Teleportation must be invented. If we don't invent teleportation, China will throw nuclear bomb everywhere. Especially now everyone can live forever.

One bit of warning, you may wish to turn off javascript--his flamboyant web site has a propensity for popping up new browser windows with adverts for Immortality Rings and other things.

Lastly, here's a tribute site with more information concerning Alex Chiu.


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Invention the world most needs now that immortality has been solved?
o Teleportation 25%
o Machines to heal the handicaps 8%
o Invisibility device 24%
o Machine to resurrect the dead 9%
o Alex Chui 15%
o Inoshiro 17%

Votes: 86
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Alex Chiu
o tribute site
o Also by Locke

Display: Sort:
"Attention. Eternal Life Device is already patented..." | 26 comments (19 topical, 7 editorial, 1 hidden)
What good is an Immortality Device .. (4.00 / 4) (#2)
by straysan on Fri May 18, 2001 at 11:27:42 AM EST

if obviously you're not in possession of a High Quality Web Graphics Device?

You'd think that with a killer app like an eternal life ring, you'd bring in enough dough to hire a graphic designer, or a photograph to take a better picture of those healthy hands and feet.

But then, who of you dares to put their toes into the patented "Eternal Life Foot Braces" as shown near the bottom of the page? Quite scary looking things :)


I've never had... (4.66 / 3) (#3)
by greyrat on Fri May 18, 2001 at 11:30:34 AM EST

... a dozen browser windows sprayed accross my monitor so fast before. For $DEITY's sake, turn off Javascript!
~ ~ ~
Did I actually read the article? No. No I didn't.
"Watch out for me nobbystyles, Gromit!"

... or use Konqueror! (4.00 / 1) (#17)
by MoxFulder on Sat May 19, 2001 at 09:33:52 AM EST

With Konqueror you can use JavaScript but disable open.window() ... it's very very very handy!

"If good things lasted forever, would we realize how special they are?"
--Calvin and Hobbes

[ Parent ]
quotes (4.50 / 6) (#4)
by alprazolam on Fri May 18, 2001 at 11:53:50 AM EST

this page gives random alex chiu quotes. i think i might buy a pair of those rings just to support the entertainment value of his site.

Intent??? ;) (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by Mad Hughagi on Fri May 18, 2001 at 12:25:21 PM EST

Alex Chiu rules. One of my roomates stumbled upon this guy about half a year ago - suffice to say I was greatly entertained by his devotion. It's websites like this that re-affirm my sanity. I noticed something though when I was reading through today:

Donate NOTHING and receive FREE RINGS! You can spread the word for alexchiu.com and receive a FREE pair of Immortality Rings. NO COST TO YOU.

We believe if you have the heart to help others, you deserve to become immortal.

This article is just a means for Locke to get free Immortality Rings!!! (how come I didn't think of it??? ;)


We don't make the products you like, we make you like the products we make.
[ Parent ]

Bwahaha (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by Locke on Fri May 18, 2001 at 01:31:21 PM EST

It's true! Now it's only a matter of time before I join the Super Race that Alex Chiu has created with his Eternal Life Devices! When Chinese in China start throwing Nuclear Bombs around it is we, the few, the proud, the Immortal, that will escape this wretched planet with our soon to be implemented Teleportation Devices!

*deep breath*

[ Parent ]
Is anybody home? (4.50 / 2) (#6)
by Anonymous 242 on Fri May 18, 2001 at 12:24:03 PM EST

Teleportation must be invented. If we don't invent teleportation, China will throw nuclear bomb everywhere.
Does anyone else see the irony in this statement?

Yep (4.33 / 3) (#11)
by psctsh on Fri May 18, 2001 at 08:16:27 PM EST

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the Daily Show on Comedy Central did a piece on this guy about a year or two ago. It was funny as hell, topic notwithstanding. My favorite conversation was from the correspondant, who asked Chiu:

"So, when we call your number and order the rings, what do we get?"
"You get the immortality rings."
"No t-shirt, no free calender thrown in?"
"So, for $29.95, we just get immortality."
Chiu looks nervous--"Yes."

Naturally the quote--I'm remembering it from several years ago--isn't completely accurate, but it followed those lines. I'm just surprised that the guy's still selling them. Maybe when everyone's done with the site I'll be able to load it up and laugh at this guy again...

Wasn't that the interview... (none / 0) (#15)
by Wah on Sat May 19, 2001 at 02:48:12 AM EST

...where they asked him to summarize the entire process in 10 words or less, then he thought for about 20 seconds, and did it tremendously well?
Some things, bandwidth can't buy. For everything else, there's Real Life ©Parent ]
Yep. (none / 0) (#18)
by Potsy on Mon May 21, 2001 at 02:19:22 AM EST

Although the question had to do with his upcoming teleportation device. At first he started explaining away, and then said, "Oh wait, ten words or less?", then rephrased it. He ended up saying something like "translate waveform of object to destination".

Another funny thing in that segment was when Stephen Cobert interviewed Alex Chiu's grandmother, who was, naturally, a user of Chiu's immortality rings. Cobert spoke to her in Chinese, and according to the subtitles, addressed her as "O immortal grandmother..." Ha!

[ Parent ]

Whoops (none / 0) (#19)
by Potsy on Mon May 21, 2001 at 02:29:59 AM EST

That's Stephen Colbert, not "Cobert". I left out the "L".

[ Parent ]
The irony (4.33 / 3) (#12)
by John Milton on Fri May 18, 2001 at 09:13:52 PM EST

Considering patents only last about two decades, I don't think he'll be making much money off of an immortality device.

"When we consider that woman are treated as property, it is degrading to women that we should Treat our children as property to be disposed of as we see fit." -Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Pfft (4.00 / 1) (#25)
by Elendale on Sat May 26, 2001 at 10:46:30 PM EST

He realizes (of course) that patents last as long as Disney wants them to last.

-Elendale (that is, forever)

When free speech is outlawed, only criminals will complain.

[ Parent ]
(Limited) lifetime warranty... (4.00 / 1) (#14)
by brion on Sat May 19, 2001 at 12:59:57 AM EST

If you are not satisfied with the products, you have 90 days to refund them.

Y'know, if he actually thinks these work, you'd expect him to offer a money-back guarantee if you ever die while wearing the thing. I'm sure my heirs will want the thirty bucks back!

Of course, he could claim that if you do die, you must not have been using it properly, but that's why we have insurance claim inspectors...

Chu vi parolas Vikipedion?
The patent (4.00 / 1) (#16)
by Miniluv on Sat May 19, 2001 at 04:56:00 AM EST

The best part about the entire thing is the patent. My god, if I had the brains God gave a grapefruit I still couldn't write that patent application without a planned suicide later in the day. Yet, he managed to get a patent issued for a ring with two magnets in it. Somehow this idea is unique, unobvious, and not covered by prior art.

Apparently the USPTO also has no requirement whatsoever on any form of literate English being used in their applications. I don't mean to knock people for whom English is a second, third, twelfth or twentieth language. Instead to knock those morons who never actually learn it but attempt to use it anyhow.

Isn't it also a requirement that the goddamn thing work before the patent can be granted? Or can I write a vaguely technical document describing the Ubercomputer and if somebody invents anything remotely like it sue the living crap out of them? That sounds suspiciously like me copyrighting a bunch of really bland pop music hooks that I hum in the shower and then attempting to sue Brittney Spears. Hell, maybe its worth a shot.

Despite the popups the site is worth chuckling at. To be perfectly honest, if my fingers didn't swell when I wore rings, magnetic or otherwise, I'd buy this guy another half-dozen big mac dinner-dates at McDonalds and try my shot at immortality. I mean, come on, for $30 what's the worst that can happen? If I really wanna get suckered I'll go for the Official Speed Seduction program which promises me any woman I want anyway I want her in under 10 sentences, or some shit like that.

Applied Solipsism worked for me.

According to Sagan ... (4.00 / 1) (#21)
by Jacques Chester on Tue May 22, 2001 at 10:08:36 PM EST

and I paraphrase poorly:
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at Edison. They also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
I voted +1FP, in order that Chiu may live forever on the submission queue ...

Well now. We seem to be temporarily out of sigs here at the sig factory. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.
Better Quote (none / 0) (#23)
by Scrutinizer on Thu May 24, 2001 at 11:27:34 AM EST

They laughed at Einstein too, y'know!

No they didn't.

Well, they would have if he'd carried on this way...

[ Parent ]
Great! I love it! ROTFL!!! (none / 0) (#24)
by cr0sh on Fri May 25, 2001 at 05:25:50 PM EST

You know, I have a ton of bookmarks, and I actually have one section devoted to "extremely strange stuff" - this site is going in there, certainly. Want some more?

Does open source, Linux and the meaning of PI burn your soul?

If it does, you have to visit

The Constant Society - Natural Processing Life to Know Pi

Originally located here, it moved to Geocities (for some reason, though one supposes the host of the site just couldn't take the strangeness any more).

Who can resist such ramblings as

We at pi care for our own intrinsic linux. Once self-acquired and self-sustainable food, heat, and electricity for linux is satisfied, other's values no longer exist, other's signal is only noise, other's action, desires, and communication are only a threat.


An attractive well-defined woman's waist-delimited butt is much larger than her head. Once she feels and acknowledges this clear yet challenging fact --she knows herself-- throws her head back, enjoys her new discovery (and, ...and this is the disturbing part) --very adult like-- becomes herself.

or to learn about the workings of the Nefastis Machine?!

Now, you may be wondering where I first learned of the Constant Society - would you believe Ebay? Hell, what am I thinking - of course Ebay! Where else?

Anyhow, this individual was, at the time, selling cassette tape mechanism flywheels for some kind of "vibrational energy" type system or something!!!


Wierd, WiErD, WIERD!!!!

"Attention. Eternal Life Device is already patented..." | 26 comments (19 topical, 7 editorial, 1 hidden)
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