IF NOAH'S ARK WAS BUILT TODAY, IN SILICON VALLEY...
...and Lo, the LORD did appear unto Noah, and sayeth:
"Noah, in one year, I will make it rain for forty days and nights, and
thus will drown all of the wicked flesh of the earth. And so you shall
build an Ark, and it shall hold two of each kind of animal that lives
upon the Earth, that they may be saved from the flood."
And the LORD did give unto Noah the specs for the Ark, and Noah looked
at them and said, "The deadline will be tight, but we can do this." And
the LORD said "Cool." and did disappear into the firmament in a puff of
Glory and whatnot.
Noah set to work building the Ark, but no sooner had he laid out the
scaffolding, than the LORD did appear unto him again, and sayeth:
"Noah, we have had some small changes unto the spec, which we wisheth
you to incorporate unto thine building. The Ark shall now carry three of
each kind of animal that walks upon the Earth, and we shall be moving up
the flood schedule a tad."
And Noah did cower and asketh the LORD:
"What exactly is a 'tad'?"
And the LORD sayeth:
"We shall begin flooding in three months. It shall be ok, though, for
whatever problems may croppeth up in Ark 1.0, we shall surely fix them
in the Glorious Ark 2.0."
And Noah did grumble and grouse, but allowed as how since he holdeth
Equity in the Ark, as his family would be allowed onboard, he would do
his best to complete the great construction.
Noah incorporated the changes unto his spec, and set to work once more.
But again, after only a fortnight, the LORD appeareth unto him, and
"Noah, how goeth the work upon the Great Ark?"
And Noah trembled in fear, and said it was OK so far, and the LORD
"We have discussed some new factors in our ineffable Plan, and have
decided that there should be some management changes in this Ark's
glorious construction. I'd like you to meet Tom, Harry, and Geoffrey.
They shall manage unto you this project, and oversee things for My
greater Glory. They all have a background in Marketing."
And lo, did appear unto Noah three guys in nice suits, who spoke unto
him the most ineffable babble of tongues, for they were, presumably,
full unto bursting with the Holy Spirit. And they did babble amongst
themselves, with strange phrases like "monetize the eyeballs" and
"value-added market proposition" and did assert that Ark 2.0 would be
the "killer flood-abatement reliability app."
And Noah did tremble before the might of the LORD, who again spake unto
him and sayeth:
"And also, there are some tiny adjustments to the spec we would like
you to allow for. The Ark shall now be a JetSki, for My Glory, and shall
be required to hold three-hundred of each kind of animal that walketh
upon the Earth, excepting for animals which are not hippopotamuses."
"And it shall be completed in three weeks."
And Noah wailed and gnashed his teeth and tore upon his hair, and
crieth unto the LORD:
"My God, wherefore have you cursed me so with such an ineffable and
unbuildable spec? Whence cometh this incomprehensible pile of crap?"
And the LORD replied:
"Microsoft hath annnounced development of MS-Ark 2000, which shall be,
they claim, three times smaller than our own, and also shall hold all of
the Plants upon the earth, and have a pretty steering wheel and shall
send and receive email. Our Glorious stock prices hath dropped as a
result of this abominable Blasphemy, and Marketing hath determined that
there is a strong consumer demand for a JetSki festooned with hippos."
And Lo, did Noah there upon the spot dunk his head into a bucket of
water which was conveniently nearby, and did hold it there of his own
will until he had fully drowned himself. And the LORD spake again, and
"Crap! Now where will I find another experienced Ark-Builder? Oh never
mind, we'll just hire some temps."
And in another fortnight, the Lord looked down upon what his Temps had
wrought, and did proclaim "Oh, screw it!" and did rain down upon the
Earth a storm of fire and brimstone, and did destroy all life upon it,
and all the objects buit by Man, including the Satellite-Equipped RV
full of pythons and cockroaches which had been constructed by His Chosen
This is the word of the LORD. And no part thereof shall be roproduced
in part or in whole, without His express written consent. Amen (TM).