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Ark 2.0

By rusty in News
Sat Jan 08, 2000 at 12:45:01 AM EST
Tags: News (all tags)

It'll look like I really went all out today to provide my (miniscule) reading audience with the humor and joy that they so desperately crave. But actually, I'm a huge slack-ass and just pasted in a story I wrote a while ago, right after seeing "Dogma." So here, without further ado, is "What if Noah had been a programmer?


...and Lo, the LORD did appear unto Noah, and sayeth:

"Noah, in one year, I will make it rain for forty days and nights, and thus will drown all of the wicked flesh of the earth. And so you shall build an Ark, and it shall hold two of each kind of animal that lives upon the Earth, that they may be saved from the flood."

And the LORD did give unto Noah the specs for the Ark, and Noah looked at them and said, "The deadline will be tight, but we can do this." And the LORD said "Cool." and did disappear into the firmament in a puff of Glory and whatnot.

Noah set to work building the Ark, but no sooner had he laid out the scaffolding, than the LORD did appear unto him again, and sayeth:

"Noah, we have had some small changes unto the spec, which we wisheth you to incorporate unto thine building. The Ark shall now carry three of each kind of animal that walks upon the Earth, and we shall be moving up the flood schedule a tad."

And Noah did cower and asketh the LORD:

"What exactly is a 'tad'?"

And the LORD sayeth:

"We shall begin flooding in three months. It shall be ok, though, for whatever problems may croppeth up in Ark 1.0, we shall surely fix them in the Glorious Ark 2.0."

And Noah did grumble and grouse, but allowed as how since he holdeth Equity in the Ark, as his family would be allowed onboard, he would do his best to complete the great construction.

Noah incorporated the changes unto his spec, and set to work once more. But again, after only a fortnight, the LORD appeareth unto him, and sayeth:

"Noah, how goeth the work upon the Great Ark?"

And Noah trembled in fear, and said it was OK so far, and the LORD sayeth:

"We have discussed some new factors in our ineffable Plan, and have decided that there should be some management changes in this Ark's glorious construction. I'd like you to meet Tom, Harry, and Geoffrey. They shall manage unto you this project, and oversee things for My greater Glory. They all have a background in Marketing."

And lo, did appear unto Noah three guys in nice suits, who spoke unto him the most ineffable babble of tongues, for they were, presumably, full unto bursting with the Holy Spirit. And they did babble amongst themselves, with strange phrases like "monetize the eyeballs" and "value-added market proposition" and did assert that Ark 2.0 would be the "killer flood-abatement reliability app."

And Noah did tremble before the might of the LORD, who again spake unto him and sayeth:

"And also, there are some tiny adjustments to the spec we would like you to allow for. The Ark shall now be a JetSki, for My Glory, and shall be required to hold three-hundred of each kind of animal that walketh upon the Earth, excepting for animals which are not hippopotamuses."

"And it shall be completed in three weeks."

And Noah wailed and gnashed his teeth and tore upon his hair, and crieth unto the LORD:

"My God, wherefore have you cursed me so with such an ineffable and unbuildable spec? Whence cometh this incomprehensible pile of crap?"

And the LORD replied:

"Microsoft hath annnounced development of MS-Ark 2000, which shall be, they claim, three times smaller than our own, and also shall hold all of the Plants upon the earth, and have a pretty steering wheel and shall send and receive email. Our Glorious stock prices hath dropped as a result of this abominable Blasphemy, and Marketing hath determined that there is a strong consumer demand for a JetSki festooned with hippos."

And Lo, did Noah there upon the spot dunk his head into a bucket of water which was conveniently nearby, and did hold it there of his own will until he had fully drowned himself. And the LORD spake again, and sayeth:

"Crap! Now where will I find another experienced Ark-Builder? Oh never mind, we'll just hire some temps."

And in another fortnight, the Lord looked down upon what his Temps had wrought, and did proclaim "Oh, screw it!" and did rain down upon the Earth a storm of fire and brimstone, and did destroy all life upon it, and all the objects buit by Man, including the Satellite-Equipped RV full of pythons and cockroaches which had been constructed by His Chosen Temps.

This is the word of the LORD. And no part thereof shall be roproduced in part or in whole, without His express written consent. Amen (TM).


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