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After Peanuts

By rusty in News
Thu Jan 13, 2000 at 08:25:49 AM EST
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During the approximately 574 years Charles Schultz drew "Peanuts," the characters never seemed to age a single day. Why is that? My theory is that it was some kind of Dorain Gray thing. As long as they were being drawn every day, they didn't have to age like the rest of us. But now it's over, and we can only assume that the aging process has kicked in with a vengeance. So here, for your edification, and in an effort at the closure that the last strip utterly failed to provide, is what happened to the Peanuts characters when they stopped being polite, and started getting older.


Charlie Brown: Attained stunning mediocrity as a mid-level manager for an insurance company. Never talked to the little red-headed girl. Married a slightly overweight brown-headed girl and had a small litter of underwhelming children. No one ever paid the slightest attention to him, and he never once in his entire life got to kick that damn football.

Lucy Brown: Moved to Northern Virginia. Fit right in with all the other bitchy self-centered people. Drove an SUV. Got divorced during menopause. Meddled in her children's marriages relentlessly until they were forced to put her in a home.

Linus: Became a professional wrestler. Go figure.

Patty and Marcie: Moved to Dupont Circle. Became active in the HRC. Became Vegans and wore only synthetic clothing. Marcie called Patty "sir" and Patty took to calling Marcie "my bitch."

Pigpen: Died of syphilis. Serves him right, that dirty little bastard.

Schroeder: Didn't get into Juilliard. Made a fortune writing advertising jingles. Was frequently heard muttering, "No place for a toy pianist. I'll show them the musical validity of a toy piano..." Died wealthy, bitter and alone. Left his entire fortune to the PlaySkool Corporation.

Snoopy: Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, stroke, sleep, broken hip, eat, sleep, sleep, glaucoma, eat, sleep, another stroke, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep...

Woodstock: '''``` `' ''` ```'' `'. ```'' `' `' ````'', ``', '''''! ''', '''`` ''` '''''` ```'.

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