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St. Valentine Was Clubbed to Death

By rusty in News
Thu Feb 10, 2000 at 05:40:46 PM EST
Tags: etc (all tags)

Most of you are aware that Valentine's Day is named for St. Valentine, who was an early Christian martyr. You may not know that he was, in fact, beaten to death with clubs, and then beheaded, during the reign of Claudius II, around 270 AD. Frankly I didn't know that either, but that's what Catholic Online says, and if I saw it on the web, it must be true, right?

Anyway, I point this out merely because Valentine's day is coming up, and if you ask me, being clubbed and beheaded was too good for someone who, however unintentionally, was the inspiration for this most loathsome of holidays.

For any of you looking for useful advice about how to handle this evil accursed holiday without hitting any of the inevitable emotional landmines lying in wait for you on the 14th, read Some Thoughts on Valentine's Day at The Seven Sages Project (not to be confused with The Alan Parsons Project). You won't find any useful HOWTO in this article.

So why is Valentine's Day so evil? Simply this: On Valentine's Day, a person may be in one of two relationship-states. Either you're in a relationship, or you're not.

If you're not, you may talk about how lame and contrived Valentine's Day is, but the entire United States still conspires to make you feel like a total loser on February 14th, whether you believe any of it or not. Still, these people have it easy. The US does this to every Canadian citizen every single day of the year!

On the other hand, if you are in a relationship, there is absolutely no way you can possibly live up to the expectations engendered in your significant other by this sinister, Darwinian relationship-destroying thermonuclear weapon of holidays. No matter what you do, you will fall short of creating "the perfect day" for your sweetheart. This is guaranteed because "the perfect day" is fictional. It does not exist! It never will! We might as well make a holiday where everyone who is in a relationship is required to pull eighteen large fuscia baboons out of their ass to prove their love. That's just as plausible, after all.

I can only come to the conclusion that this inevitable failure is, in fact, the whole point of Valentine's Day. It's purpose, really, is to break up relationships where partners are incompatible. How many people do you know who've gotten dumped on, just before, or just after Valentine's Day? And why else would this day of "love" be in the middle of freakin February, which is the dankest and least romatic of all months in every place that Valentine's Day is "celebrated" (where "celebrated" is a euphemism for "mourned"). Why not the merry, merry month of May, when rebirth and fecundity are in the air?

I'll tell you why. Because Valentine's Day is specially designed to put the ultimate strain on your relationship. It's like getting your car inspected. It happens every year, and if you fail, you only have 30 days to try to fix the problem.

So my advice is, wear a black armband on Valentine's Day. If you're the sort of person that celebrates these things, do your best. If you're not, then try to ignore it. Pray that you pass the test. And then look forward to next year.


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Related Links
o Catholic Online
o Some Thoughts on Valentine's Day
o The Seven Sages Project
o The Alan Parsons Project
o Also by rusty

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St. Valentine Was Clubbed to Death | 5 comments (5 topical, editorial, 0 hidden)
This is an old story (none / 0) (#1)
by ebunga on Mon Jul 24, 2000 at 07:16:46 PM EST

Wow, this story is so old, it has hair growing on it. Atleast I got a plug in it. Ahhh.. Those were the days, when k5 only have 4 people!

Back inna day (none / 0) (#2)
by rusty on Mon Jul 24, 2000 at 10:26:32 PM EST

And yet, no new comment on an old story slips by unnoticed. ;-)

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
Re: Back inna day (none / 0) (#5)
by Cirollo on Tue Jul 25, 2000 at 02:32:18 PM EST

That is correct. You can't hide....

[ Parent ]

Re: Back inna day (none / 0) (#6)
by ebunga on Tue Jul 25, 2000 at 03:02:05 PM EST

And in case you were wondering, I am not the Allan Parsons project, nor the Blair Witch Project. I'll give you three tries to figure out which project am the Head Geek of.

[ Parent ]
Test (none / 0) (#3)
by rusty on Tue Jul 25, 2000 at 12:46:01 AM EST

This is a test comment

Not the real rusty
St. Valentine Was Clubbed to Death | 5 comments (5 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
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