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Turtles All The Way Down

By rusty in News
Thu Feb 10, 2000 at 07:05:25 PM EST
Tags: Movies (all tags)
Movies

The big Hollywood buzz this week is that the team behind The Blair Witch Project (not to be confused with The Seven Sages Project or The Alan Parsons Project) are hard at work on another feature. The working title is "Turtles All The Way Down," and rumor has it that it's to be another fright-pic, and the style will be similar to Blair Witch. The crack kuro5hin.org team has managed to finagle an early draft of the script, and as always, what we know, you know. Read on for the juicy details.


The basic plot is that several recent film school grads are hard at work making a slasher pic called, appropriately enough, "Slasher 3." There never was a "Slasher" or "Slasher 2" of course, because these are the characters in TATWD we're talking about. But in the "Slasher" world, parts one and two have already been made.

So "Slasher 3" is about a group of recent film school grads who are hard at work making a horror movie called "Slice 3." In the "Slasher" world, of course, there was no "Slice" or "Slice 2," because they were made in the world of "Slice 3."

"Slice 3" is about a group of film-school students who are still actually in film school. One of them, "Dwayne," is writing his thesis on self-referentiality in slasher movies. Another "Jessica," is exposing the universal conventions upon which slasher movies are based. Yet another, "Daphne," is exploring the psychosexual ramifications of the "nudity = imminent death" rule in slasher movies. Basically, they're all studying slasher movies, is the point.

But wait! Someone starts committing a series of grisly murders on the film-school campus! One by one, the minor characters die in the inevitable and inescapable teleology and rigorous logic of the slasher-movie ouvre.

But wait! This is all happening in the world of "Slice 3" remember. Meanwhile, in the world of "Slasher 3," as the filming of "Slice 3" progresses, things start getting weird on the set. Someone, dressed in the outfit of the maniac killer of the movie "Slice 3" starts killing the film-school grads who are making the film.

But wait! This is all happening in the world of "Slasher 3" remember. Meanwhile in the world of "TATWD," nothing really at all is happening on the set. But for a while, the kids making the movie (none of which are the same people that appeared in "Blair Witch" BTW) get increasingly spooked, and tense, and filming is not going particularly well.

Then someone dressed as the maniac killer in "Slice 3" (and thus also "Slasher 3") starts killing the kids making the movie. They all accuse each other of doing it, and know that someone simply couldn't take the tension anymore and felt that it was necessary to kill someone because the rules of slasher movies simply demanded it, at this point.

Meanwhile, filming of "Slasher 3" continues, in which the kids making "Slice 3" all accuse each other of doing it, because they couldn't take the pressure of making their first commercial movie, and because the rules of slasher movies simply demanded it.

Meanwhile, production of "Slice 3" continues, where the film-school students all accuse each other of doing the murders, because they're all trying to study the deeper implications of the rules of slasher movies, and someone clearly just can't handle the pressure of writing their film-school thesis.

Warning: Spoiler Ahead!

The movie is laid out in interleaving scenes from each of the three films, which generally follow the same course, and things happen in a similar order. This leads to some serious confusion, since all of the kids appearing in "TATWD" are making "Slasher 3," and (due to budget constraints) are also the stars of "Slasher 3," who are the crew making "Slice 3" and (due to budget constraints) are also the stars of "Slice 3," and therefore each actor in "TATWD" plays at least three roles, which are basically indistinguishable except for the names. And the names are no real help, since they're all pretty much bland generic American names.

But, as each story nears it's ultimate conclusion, and people "split up to search the house" and "see what that noise outside was" and whatnot, the cuts come quicker, until the three movies are cut together scene for scene. And in the end, just as each of the three killers is poised over each of the three ultimate targets (which are all the same two people, of course, of necessity), the film suddenly cuts to black, and stays black for almost a minute

Then the picture cuts in again, and we're in a small room in a basement apartment in Washington DC, looking over the shoulder of a young ex-film student who's writing the whole plot of all three movies as a parodic "review" of Scream 3 for his website.

The whole audience sighs with relief, and then, realizing they've been had, gets a little bitter and starts grumbling, because this ending is, after all, a total cop-out. But suddenly, just as they're about to get pissed off, the camera swings around 180 degrees and reveals the killer from all three fictional movies standing right behind the guy, knife raised high.

Cut to black. Roll credits.

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Turtles All The Way Down | 9 comments (9 topical, editorial, 0 hidden)
Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#1)
by lachoy on Thu Feb 10, 2000 at 08:32:13 PM EST

to top it off: it's all an episode of Scooby Doo!
M-x auto-bs-mode
Zoinks! (none / 0) (#2)
by rusty on Thu Feb 10, 2000 at 08:44:23 PM EST

And it was the old man who owns the abandoned amusement park, after all!

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#3)
by Anonymous Hero on Fri Feb 11, 2000 at 11:34:37 PM EST

Hey, Yardley here. That was cool. Reminds me of EGB, 'course. Thanks. Maybe i'll be back.

Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Hero on Sat Feb 12, 2000 at 10:36:10 PM EST

I meant GEB: a golden eternal braid

[ Parent ]
Re: GEB (none / 0) (#7)
by rusty on Sun Feb 13, 2000 at 12:26:38 AM EST

Y'know, I'm really glad you posted that. All day I've been wondering... "EGB... EGB... what the hell is that? And why does it sound so familiar?..." That clears it up.

Now I'm wondering, "Yardley... Yardley... Who the hell is that... and why does it sound so familiar?..."

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Hero on Sat Feb 12, 2000 at 10:16:52 AM EST

Self-referentialism taken to extremis...:)

P.S: This is a joke, right?

Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#5)
by rusty on Sat Feb 12, 2000 at 03:01:06 PM EST

P.S: This is a joke, right?

Well, that's hard to say. It was supposed to be one, but I tell you what, I gave myself the creeping heebie-jeebies writing it. The part about the BWP group is an utter fabrication though.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#8)
by aramaki on Sun Feb 13, 2000 at 12:24:30 PM EST

"Why did you ask the question asked itself?"
"Because I could," was the reply.

Hey Rusty what inspired you to write this? It is pretty cool stuff. You ever see "eXistenZ"? If you haven't you probably would want to. It is made in the same vain except the medium is a direct neural interface game and not a movie.


nothing excels in every environment
Re: Turtles All The Way Down (none / 0) (#9)
by rusty on Sun Feb 13, 2000 at 02:47:57 PM EST

Hey Rusty what inspired you to write this?

Mostly Scream 3. I was just thinking about the weirdly circular plot, and wondering how it could be made even more confusing.

And no, I have seen eXistenZ, but I want to. I haven't been able to find anyone who'll watch it with me-- from what I've heard it's pretty disgusting.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

Turtles All The Way Down | 9 comments (9 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
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