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James Holmes: Portrait of a Nerd Virgin

By messybuu in News
Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 07:19:25 AM EST
Tags: James Holmes, 4chan, Nerd Virgin, Nerginity, Masturbators (all tags)

As the world discovers more about James Holmes, we learn that he was a nerd virgin. Though he graduated at the top of his class, he never had the knowledge to get a piece of ass, resorting to signing up on an adult sex site for a taste of physical affection. It was a desperate act that probably did not prove fruitful to him, which resulted in much masturbation. As a lifelong virgin and masturbator with only the Internet's sociopaths at 4chan to alleviate his loneliness, it was only a matter of time before he would take the drastic action that most nerd virgins only fantasize about: Murder people happier and more successful than he'd ever be.

Many argue that a lack of gun control is the reason the massacre was able to happen, but even if Holmes was unable to purchase assault rifles legally, he could have assembled his own deadly weapons using instructions found on the Internet such as ones written by kuro5hin member Michael David Crawford. No, gun control would not have stopped Holmes because most gun owners are responsible with their weaponry. The average gun owner is not the enemy; the nerd virgin is.

Nerd virgins, such as the ones you will find on 4chan and Reddit, are narcissistic misanthropes who hate the world because they have either been rejected by it because of their creepiness or ignored because of their bland personalities. There is nobody they despise more than a happy, beautiful person, which is why nerd virgins, even the female ones, will sexually harass popular teenage girls on social networks. Rather than work to climb out of their depressing lifestyles, they would rather drag everybody else down to their lonely little level. When they are able to drive a pre-teen to suicide, they declare victory. Much like your typical pedophile, they prey on the weak because they are too weak to deal with their peers.

That is why Holmes did not try for the fame he desperately sought in a more courageous way such as a shootout with an army of cops--He surrendered like a coward when they arrived--, but resorted to massacring a crowd of unarmed people in a dark and crowded theater. He claims to be the Joker, but even the Joker showed bigger balls in the chaos he unleashed. Holmes just proved himself to be an anonymous coward like the rest of his 4chan peers.

There is still much we do not know about Holmes, but like goths, while nerd virgins claim to be unique individuals, they are more often than not sheeplike in nature. He most likely used an Android phone and considered Apple to be worse than Nazi Germany (and I write that without hyperbole); he probably enjoyed anime and thought it was a superior form of art despite its trite stories, generic characters, and unimpressive animation; he must've hated Facebook and considered Google+ a superior social network; he undoubtedly masturbated daily and might have even been so desperate as to order a Fleshlight or Pocket Pussy. As you can see, this was an individual who did not know how to function in real life. The day he left liberal academia was the day his reason to exist ended.

Though he succeeded in destroying many lives that evening, he is the real loser. Too cowardly to commit suicide, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of traumatic anal rape and bullying that will make his previous lifestyle of daily masturbation to Internet pornography, most of which was probably Japanese animation, enviable. It would be sad to think about if he wasn't so deserving of such a fate, but since he is, it is a gratifying conclusion to a nerd virgin's life. Maybe his fellow nerd virgins do the right thing and kill themselves before they hurt another and lose their dignity as their creepy lifestyles are dissected on the news.


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James Holmes: Portrait of a Nerd Virgin | 29 comments (27 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
Any flavor except Lemon (3.00 / 3) (#1)
by tdillo on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 04:45:05 PM EST

Did the dude have a Twitter and Facebook account? If so then he almost definitely was an Apple Acolyte worshiping at the altar of Jobs. If not then probably a dirty GNU Hippy with an Arch box and an Android.

I may not agree with what you say but I'll defend to the death your right to go fuck yourself.

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

reports said no (3.00 / 2) (#8)
by N0574 on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 11:09:14 PM EST

he didn't have Facebook, Twitter, etc...Which of course is suspicious in and of itself, right?  


[ Parent ]

Holmes does less time than Sandusky, news at -11 $ (none / 0) (#2)
by Enlarged to Show Texture on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 06:32:46 PM EST

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -- Isaac Asimov
I'd be surprised if either got less than life. $ (none / 0) (#3)
by messybuu on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 06:54:56 PM EST

Sent from Siri using my iPhone 4S. Buy one today!

Powered by the love of Christ.

[ Parent ]
stop the persecution of happy pretty Apple users (1.50 / 1) (#4)
by N0574 on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 09:07:32 PM EST

we owe it to the victims of this tragedy

I wouldn't be surprised if he targeted Apple users (1.50 / 1) (#6)
by messybuu on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 10:09:32 PM EST

Apple users are very sociable creatures who love to go to premiers of great movies like The Dark Knight Rises. The average Assdroid pirates the movie and watches it with his dick out as he strokes it to Anne Hathaway.

Sent from Siri using my iPhone 4S. Buy one today!

Powered by the love of Christ.

[ Parent ]
he envied their social skills and winning style $ (1.50 / 1) (#7)
by N0574 on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 10:51:10 PM EST

[ Parent ]
His parents should have named him Jonathan (none / 0) (#5)
by balsamic vinigga on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 09:15:04 PM EST

And he might have been able to fuck an ear. Sure, that might not count as losing your virginity but does a nerd virgin who fucks an ear really need to go on a shooting spree?

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
I'm Looking Forward To The Liberals (3.00 / 2) (#9)
by limpdawg on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 01:58:23 AM EST

Demanding redistribution of sex in order to prevent more such tragedies. If we have to we should purchase young women from China to be their wives.

China is short (3.00 / 3) (#12)
by boomi on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 07:13:45 AM EST

on women.

[ Parent ]
mmm...I'd support that legislation (3.00 / 2) (#14)
by N0574 on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 09:08:05 AM EST

40 acres and a young chinese wife!

[ Parent ]
don't suppose I could trade up ... (none / 0) (#19)
by mumble on Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 02:07:26 AM EST

to a young Japanese wife?

stats for a better tomorrow
bitcoin: 1GsfkeggHSqbcVGS3GSJnwaCu6FYwF73fR
"They must know I'm here. The half and half jug is missing" - MDC.
"I've grown weary of googling the solutions to my many problems" - MDC.
[ Parent ]
No tickee (none / 0) (#21)
by tdillo on Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 09:16:12 AM EST

No wifee

I may not agree with what you say but I'll defend to the death your right to go fuck yourself.

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.[ Parent ]

this is better than that booring rubbish (3.00 / 2) (#13)
by Marvin Suggs on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 07:54:26 AM EST

dubster trotted out.
   .0. gimme a bitcoin: 1M9vApgDo5Dw45Awfem75mrVtMJvaMKpjy
Get This: (1.09 / 11) (#15)
by Irish Baby Bacon on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 11:32:06 AM EST

While more commonly known as a "Nerve Gas", the pedantically correct term is "Nerve Agent".  It's classified as an "Area Denial Weapon" because it is physically similar to automobile motor oil.  Thus a fine mist of VX at just the right altitude during just the right wind conditions renders the area of one's choosing utterly uninhabitable for the next several years.

If Jimmy Wales thinks his deep insight into Encyclodpedic Documentation will wrest from my clenched fist any manner of charitable donation, he may kiss my pestilence-infested Rosebud.

The argument is advanced in the Talk Page one needs to know a great deal more than Wikipedia's brief synopsis in reality affords.


Kids These Days.


My Fuck, does it have to be so hard?  HEY IS THIS THING ON?
"I don't work well with other people because people who work well with other people are Nazis."
-- Michael David Crawford

You thinking about building a bomb Mike? (3.00 / 3) (#16)
by tdillo on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 07:56:17 PM EST

Been doing some Literature Research?

I see on your WikipUser page you want to be 'notable' enough to have an article about you in Wikipedia but the Editors just won't budge.

You aren't thinking that maybe gathering some "Ortho Snail and Slug Death, any flavor of Kool-Ade mix other than Lemon, Hydrogen Peroxide, a mixing bowl, a bag of ice, table salt, a water glass, a Tea Spoon, a Colander or Spaghetti Strainer, and 2 coffee filters" might make you a bit more 'notable'?

I realize you're in a rough patch right now and it looks like you don't have much to lose but you really need to back up and think through the consequences.

You've been raging on how stupid and clueless everyone else is. The mental health industry, Law Enforcement, ignorant borkers and clueless coders. You claim that you have the Secret, The Holy Grail.

There has been a lot of anger and frustrations in your posts lately. Ever since you got that case dismissed you've been acting out more and more.

Maybe you need to take a vacation somewhere quiet. Give yourself a chance to get your life back on track instead of planning all these grandiose schemes. Now you say you're keeping a low profile, hiding out, flying under the radar. I hope you're not planning on doing something crazy just to get attention.

Nobody ever calls me.

I think I am going to cry now. - MichaelCrawford

I may not agree with what you say but I'll defend to the death your right to go fuck yourself.

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.[ Parent ]

'You worry too much. You should go to Hawaii...' (1.00 / 6) (#23)
by Irish Baby Bacon on Fri Jul 27, 2012 at 11:48:40 PM EST

"... and get laid."

Thus Quoth a Psych Nurse at Alhambra Community Psychiatric Center in Rosemead, California, shortly after she injected my butt cheek with enough Cogentin to relax a Rhinoceros in July 1985.

Funny You Should Say That.

But No, actually in MeatSpace I'm as relaxed, cogent, clear, lucid and levelheaded you can be.  cmp TROLL.

But you are completely correct in that I could do well with a little Shore Leave.

That's why I am:

My understanding is that while Patagonia itself is possesseth of Heavenly Beauty, the waters between here and there are swarming with sharks.

That's why just yesterday I inquired about safety glasses at an optometrist I just happened to pass on the street.  The Buddy Holly / Elvis Costello / Oliver Brown look works surprisingly well for me, being a Nerd Virgin and all.

I'm going to have to sing a lot of songs for a long time to save up the required tips, but for three hundred clams or so, you could fire a pistol directly into one of my eyes, to discover only too late that Polycarbonate was developed for the specific purpose of preventing Micrometeorites from gracing NASA Astronauts with pinhole lobotomies.
"I don't work well with other people because people who work well with other people are Nazis."
-- Michael David Crawford
[ Parent ]

i always wonder what's with that shotgun proof... (none / 1) (#24)
by jolt rush soon on Sun Jul 29, 2012 at 09:55:33 AM EST

eyewear. If you've got someone shooting a shotgun into you face, surely there'd be enough shot going in the direction of your face to render the end results as two perfect eyeballs on an otherwise dead person. Also, wouldn't force just be redirected to those two nose-sitting glasses bits?
Subosc — free electronic music.
[ Parent ]
Q: Which would you prefer? Eternal Happiness or... (1.20 / 5) (#26)
by Irish Baby Bacon on Wed Aug 01, 2012 at 08:42:10 PM EST

... A Ham Sandwich?

A. A Ham Sandwich.

Q. I'm not sure I follow your argument.  Care to elucidate?

A. While nothing is better than Eternal Happiness, a Ham Sandwich is better than nothing.

You are of course completely correct, but my reasoning behind the glasses that sometime in the future - not soon but not distant either - because of where I am now as compared to where I want to be, and because of my innate tendency toward what I once regarded as a quite a severe symptom of my quite severe Bipolar-Type Schizoaffective Disorder, but which I am not dead certain but do assertively conjecture is a severe symptom of what in more recent years has been far more profoundly debilitating Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, that being Dissociation.

Note: that's correctly spelled.  "Disassociation" either means something completely different, or is a common misspelling of Dissociation.

This had the eventual result that one fine day I was idly hanging out, minding my own business when, quite softly and distantly at first, I found myself completely unable to ignore the increasingly insistent and urgent shout of my own name from somehwere close at hand:


There was something about voice of the lovely yet quite desperately terrified young woman who quite suddenly and completely out of nowhere I found inches from my face shrieking at the very tops of her lungs with her fear, desperation, anxiety and above all furious anger that she damn well - but more importantly, knew damn well why - that she could have emptied a clip right into my foot yet I would not have blinked an eye because I was simply not paying attemtion@

While I felt the increasing conscious sensation of the bone-chilling cold out immediat surroundings, I didn't regard the cold as a problem because everything I could see around me for as far as I actually could see was incredibly beautfiul,


For reasons I cannot quite yet but Real Soon Now will explain in great detail, I must post this not before I fall asleep at my table in Wiki Cafe, but lose conscious completely in a Wiki spot.

Just last night I finally figured out why I have had such severe insomnia damn near every not for one solid year:

While my Dad really was in the Navy you know, his job was not to attack, but to defend, by cheerfully pointing out to a whole bunch of desperately impoverished peasents that no - Dad's sense of humor put those of most Kurons completely to shame, but one jke I never heard my father tell anything was was that "No, I'm not joking, your Daddy really never is coming home against.


I'll be right back when I awaken spontaneously.  Don't quite your day job.


While to this very day I really do regard such Pofouned Disssiation as a way to get lots of my very finest work done, in reality those in the know regard my Dissociation not as a "Trait" - Adaptive or Otherwise but as an at-times adtapive while at othes quite debilitating Survival Strategy..GOTO SLEERP RLIRH NOW!

Your Wish
Is My

Ciao, Bell!

"I don't work well with other people because people who work well with other people are Nazis."
-- Michael David Crawford
[ Parent ]

Wow (3.00 / 2) (#27)
by jolt rush soon on Thu Aug 02, 2012 at 07:38:45 AM EST

I was just talking about the eyewear.
Subosc — free electronic music.
[ Parent ]
What's your problem with Wikipedia? (none / 1) (#22)
by Zombie Gautama Buddha on Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 12:22:07 PM EST

[ Parent ]
This actually makes some sense (none / 0) (#17)
by channel on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 10:09:49 PM EST

Marriage is a divine rite. It was part of God's design when He created man. - Royal Martyr Empress Alexandra Fedorovna.
this is shit. +1fp (none / 0) (#18)
by lednerg on Mon Jul 23, 2012 at 11:17:18 PM EST

I bet he had one of those (none / 0) (#20)
by Marvin Suggs on Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 02:36:21 AM EST

tryhard, piece of crap Acer Zenbook = mac book air wannabes.  Assroids think those zenbooks are the shit, when in fact, they are just shit.
   .0. gimme a bitcoin: 1M9vApgDo5Dw45Awfem75mrVtMJvaMKpjy
To be honest, and I'm not kidding here (none / 0) (#25)
by Fujitsu Corp on Mon Jul 30, 2012 at 07:29:57 AM EST

This is the kind of thesis I've come up with to explain most of these kinds of mass murders, including the one in Norway last year. It seems to fit. These kinds of people are so alienated and feel so hopeless that, although they start out as sensitive people, all empathy is crushed out of them. But for my thesis I need actual facts. Is it true that this person was what you say he was? Have you got a reference? If it's true this is definitely an angle that needs to be highlighted more.

A few years ago there was this study:


Which suggested school shooters were very shy people, which would jibe with the "nerd virgin" analysis. Some kind of approach needs to be dreamed up to deal with young men who can't get laid. It might sound flippant, but it's a serious problem. Just look at the guy in Norway. I heard he didn't have a girlfriend for ten years prior to the shooting. It needs to be looked at, not in a sniggering, immature way, but in a rational, sober way, as a serious problem. Young men need to get laid or they may end up turning into psychopaths, and society really doesn't do anything to stop this happening. It's a serious problem and people need to look at this to stop the shootings. But it won't be taken seriously because of social attitudes.

Geek GALS (none / 0) (#28)
by k31 on Sat Aug 04, 2012 at 02:22:46 AM EST

I am glad that I am
more of a Geek GALS guy
than a Nerd Virgin.

More at 13.

Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....

Nerd Virgin (none / 0) (#29)
by ShiftyStoner on Tue Oct 23, 2012 at 06:21:55 AM EST

That's what i think about Richard Romerez.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler
James Holmes: Portrait of a Nerd Virgin | 29 comments (27 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
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