Before I start, I'd just like to clear up what I'm sure will be the one question on everyone's mind.
"Isn't this just a Top Ten list? Doesn't Letterman do those?"
Listen, I've had just about enough out of you. Now shut your stupid yap before I shut it for you, you puling freak.
And for the record, that will be my one and only answer to that question, ever. Now on to the list!
The Ten Best Things About the Mall at Christmas
10. If you hang out by the perfume counter at Bloomingdale's long enough, you can catch a killer buzz from the fumes.
9. Tripping old ladies on the escalator. In the crowds, no one can tell it was you.
8. If you listen carefully to the piped-in music, you might catch that "Tidings of Comfort and Joy" song. You know, the one with the line "...to save us all from Satan's fire..." It's all too easy, in the busy holiday season, to overlook eternal torment, and even Satan himself. Luckily we have this little ditty to remind us of the True Meaning of Christmas.
7. Go into one of those specialty stores that doesn't have much stock, on the 23rd or 24th. Pick a totally empty shelf. Browse.
6. Fondling schoolgirls on the subway. No, wait, that was supposed to be in the Ten Best Things About Tokyo.
5. Parking. "Oops, was that your Lexus? Why did you park it underneath my car?"
4. That guy demonstrating the big styrofoam airplane. I mean, as much as your life may suck, at least you're not that guy!
3. Go into a crowded toy store. Pick a random harried-looking mother. Point at the hot toy of the season and scream "Mommy I want that!!!!" over and over. For extra fun, time how long it takes someone to notice there's something wrong.
2. Steal something. Pretend the security gate at the door is a starting gun, then race the mall cops to your car. Shopping and exercise in one trip!
1. Santa's little helpers. Every mall I've ever been to, they get some high school chicks and dress them up in green tights and these skimpy little jumpers. I mean, they look like Santa's little underage jailbait concubines. Hillary Rodham Claus probably hates it. But there they are, next to a big fat drunk guy in a fake beard, who is there for the sole purpose of having children sit on his lap. That, my friends, is America at it's finest.