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T'was the Night Before K5mas

By mdxi in Op-Ed
Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 12:51:36 PM EST
Tags: Kuro5hin.org (all tags)

One of geek/nerd/hacker culture's oldest traditions is that of the filk: the repurposing of a song, story or poem, usually for humorous effect. The other night in #k5, rusty left with this parting:

<rusty> well, have a nice K5mas, everyone

And I was inspired to scribble down the following...

Sponsor: rusty
This space intentionally left blank
...because it's waiting for your ad. So why are you still reading this? Come on, get going. Read the story, and then get an ad. Alright stop it. I'm not going to say anything else. Now you're just being silly. STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'm done!
comments (24)
active | buy ad
Twas the night before K5mas,and all through the site
K5ers were posting and rating with delight.
The comments were written in their browsers with care
In hopes that trusted status soon would be there.

Rusty was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of scoop code danced in his head
And hurst with a beer and chips in a bag
Had just settled down for a poll-coding jag

When out from the net there arose such a clatter
We leapt to our terminals to see what was the matter
Away on the server there raged such a squall
Tore open the dbase and blew past the firewall

The packets were crashing all down on the box
We feared that it was those goddamned DoS jocks
When what to out wondering eyes should appear
But a Canadian hax0r; not drinking beer!

Typing on his keyboard so clicky and sure, oh!
I knew in a moment it must be Inoshiro.
More rapid than coursers his commands they came
And he cursed and he shouted and called them by name

"Now ls, now df, now netstat and mysqladm!
On perldoc, on whois, on traceroute and ipmasqadm!
To the ends of the earth!I will track them down all!
I will scan then and ban them with my 1337-ass firewall!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So back where they came from those hax0rz flew
With their l4mE-0 DoS skripts and their kiddie pr0n too.

And then, in a twinkling, we heard from the net
The new version of Scoop from Rusty's dream beget
Soon after Mojo, amongst us we found
Signal_11 jumping from Slashdot with a bound

An Internet celeb! And following him
The slashdotting hordes; September for kuro5hin;
But still we survived, we showed what we'd got
Siggy turned out to be Just A Guy, we like him a lot

Mojo got tweaked; it isn't just fluff
And Rusty coded us lots of neat stuff
Diaries, seeing ratings, and being trusted
Unlike the site's name, our interest never rusted.

As he got ready to leave he gave out a call:
"There is no such thing as a K5 Cabal!"
And we heard him exclaim as he /part'd from sight

Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. Cheers and wishes for a happy, safe holiday season to the whole kuro5hin.org gang (including you).


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Best Reindeer Name?
o Donder 1%
o Blitzen 5%
o Vixen 11%
o Rudolph 2%
o Edward 5%
o Sindee 4%
o Nebudchanezzar 40%
o Inoshiro 29%

Votes: 131
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Slashdot
o Scoop
o Kuro5hin
o Also by mdxi

Display: Sort:
T'was the Night Before K5mas | 15 comments (14 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
+1 for me. (2.62 / 8) (#1)
by Spendocrat on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 05:30:53 AM EST

Props, thanks for taking the time to write it.

Apologies are not necessary... (4.09 / 11) (#3)
by Skippy on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 09:54:06 AM EST

As Clement Clarke Moore did not write The Night Before Christmas.

Fantastic job! I loved it. Thanks.
# I am now finished talking out my ass about things that I am not qualified to discuss. #

You are truely a sick sick man.... (3.00 / 7) (#4)
by unstable on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 12:26:32 PM EST

Just like the rest of us.

Thanks I need a good laugh right now.

Reverend Unstable
all praise the almighty Bob
and be filled with slack

'Twas the Night before Start-up (4.61 / 13) (#5)
by Paul Crowley on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 01:02:56 PM EST

An earlier contribution to this tradition is RFC 968, Vint Cerf's "Twas the Night Before Start-up".

Twas the night before start-up and all through the net,
not a packet was moving; no bit nor octet.
The engineers rattled their cards in despair,
hoping a bad chip would blow with a flare.
Paul Crowley aka ciphergoth. Crypto and sex politics. Diary.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha (2.60 / 5) (#6)
by MrSpey on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 04:44:55 PM EST

That rocked. If I was a soccer mom I'd post something like:
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! That was great!!! Thanks, mdxi!!

But I'm not, so I won't.

Mr. Spey
Cover your butt. Bernard is watching.

Reindeer Names... (3.33 / 6) (#7)
by Chris Andreasen on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 09:26:18 PM EST

I thought the reindeer's name was supposed to be "Donner", not "Donder", as Donner is the German word for thunder. (Fits nicely with Blitzen, the German word for Lightning)
Is public worship then, a sin,
That for devotions paid to Bacchus
The lictors dare to run us in,
and resolutely thump and whack us?

reindeer names (4.00 / 3) (#9)
by odaiwai on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 11:36:00 PM EST

They're actually named Dunder and Blixem. See http://www.snopes2.com/holidays/xmas/donner.htm for more info.

-- "They're chefs! Chefs with chainsaws!"
[ Parent ]

Nope, it's Donder (4.00 / 1) (#15)
by MightyE on Thu Dec 28, 2000 at 11:03:08 AM EST

Most people get it wrong and assume it's Donner, but if you look it up in original texts, it's spelled Donder (or some phonetical equivalent).
here's my sig
[ Parent ]
The Poll (2.66 / 6) (#8)
by driftingwalrus on Sat Dec 23, 2000 at 09:55:01 PM EST

You mispelled Nebuchadnezzar.

"I drank WHAT?!" -- Socrates
Yes (4.50 / 2) (#10)
by mdxi on Sun Dec 24, 2000 at 12:22:49 AM EST

vsync caught that about 5 seconds after i posted the story. That's what i get for spelling biblical names off the top of my head. Next time i'll just make something up :)

[ Parent ]
'T'was the night before christmas .... (4.77 / 9) (#11)
by Coram on Sun Dec 24, 2000 at 08:11:32 AM EST

'T'was the night before christmas in the back of my house
my machine was not working, not even the mouse;
The computer had hung, I cried out with dispair,
"Why, why windows? Who the hell put it there?"

The screen was all frozen, the ping response dead,
Died once again? Something had to be said,
"They still haven't fixed this? I should give Bill a slap,
I've lost all my work, I'm fucking sick of this crap!"

Restarting the machine, it refused to come up,
Non-System disk or disk error, this really does suck.
I grabbed my boot floppy, stuck it in with a rattle,
I'll yet fix this thing, though it may be a battle.

Up came my prompt, see-colon-back-slash,
fdisk /mbr, struck enter with a bash.
whir-whir-whir done, I hope this is it,
This inferior software has given me the shits.

I reset the sick beast, waited for it to boot,
Windows splash screen came up, then the desktop with a toot.
Illegal operation, this program will shut down,
"Mother @#%king @&@#( @#&*", the computer powered down.

Oh dear oh dear me, what am I to do?
From the corner of my eye I catch sigh of GNU.
Well what have we here? A free o/s et al?
"Hmmm," I think, "I'll give it a go."

And so on an impulse I take up the dare,
With an optimistic feeling I load this Slackware.
From fdisk to setup to install to reboot,
I quiver from excitement and nervousness too.

It looks like it's done and has finished its reboot,
What do I do now, and what the hell is this 'root'?
I spy on the shelf a helpful little gem,
I grab 'Slack for beginners' and rtfm.

Tentatively but deftly I tap out commands,
Satisfied that it works I denounce microsoft's plan,
"You'll never prevail so long as I am around!,
You, Mr Gates, are nought but a clown!".

Through study and trial, error and progress,
I make use of what at first seems such a mess.
I work hard and learn how it all fits together,
I'm no longer led at the end of my tether!

"Now, BitchX! now, Emacs! now, X and Blackbox!
On, Eterm! on, Star Office! on, Gimp and Netscape!
All hail Linus Torvalds! All hail Larry Wall!
Stop what you're doing, just go and install!"

Never a bigger evangeliser have you seen,
Than the form of myself when I let out this scream,
"Don't use that nasty, proprietary shite,
it's not yet too late to install Linux tonight!"

And so with this tale my experiences I recount,
I hope from his story you learn something profound,
In Redmond you will find only trouble and dispair,
The true answer lies in Open Source Software!

judo ergo sum
Wow, a new Xmas poem (2.50 / 4) (#12)
by TheDude on Mon Dec 25, 2000 at 02:21:50 AM EST

Congrats, mdxi. That's prolly the best re-write of an old christmas poem I've ever read. Just thought I'd mention that.

TheDude of Smokedot
Drug Info, Rights, Laws, and Discussion
Visit #smokedot on irc.smokedot.org

The Night Before Christmas - Quake Style (5.00 / 3) (#13)
by FunkyChild on Tue Dec 26, 2000 at 08:51:36 PM EST

(Note: I found this on a website about 3 years ago when Quake 1 was in it's heyday. I think the k5 one may have borrowed a line or two from it, but who cares, it's genius :) Good stuff mdxi)

The Night Before Christmas - Quake Style
By Frank Cabanski

Twas the night before Chirstmas, when all through the map
not a player was stirring, we all liked to camp.
The giblets were strewn all around and heads lay,
on the floor where they'd fallen - we'd been playing all day.

The weapons and powerups spun plain to see,
a typical game played within DM3.
And the green guy with rockets, and I with my shaft,
were leading in kills as we practised our craft.

When out by the super health there was a noise,
I might just get lucky if I kept my poise.
Off past the water, I glided with glee,
If I got there in time, there were more frags for me.

The glow of explosions and crack of the nails
gave a certain impression of soaring entrails,
when, what to my terrified eyes, in the flesh,
Santa was playing, and his partner was Thresh!

The two of them stood there, Santa wearing a skin,
It was pretty leet, even down to the grin.
More rapid than eagles, their turns and their twists,
and both of them shooting, not once their shots missed.

"Now RL! Now Shaft!
Now, Axe never fails!
On, Broomstick! On, Shotgun!
On, Pineapples and Nails!
To the top of the water!
To the Pent and the Quad!
Now frag away! Frag away!
Let's clean up this squad!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so after the players the two newcomers flew,
Thresh his pack full of ammo, and St Nicholas' too!

And then, with a flash one life came to an end
and then I respawned and they killed me again.
As I hit the space bar and was turning around,
into the RL room, St. Nick came with a bound.

He was firing a nailgun, whilst dodging my rockets,
he had gotten the eyes, I saw only eye sockets.
We danced to and fro, both expecting our kills,
but I guess he had practised, cause he showed Mad Skills(tm).

His shooting was steady! His aim, how precise!
He avoided my rockets, I had to think "nice!".
He must have had armor, and he had health and all.
He took lots of splash damage, and still didn't fall.

We circled and strafed, moving too fast to follow,
my palms started sweating, my breathing got shallow.
Then he got around me, the RL, by the clock it
soon would respawn, it did, now he had a rocket!

I wondered, perhaps, he was using a cheat,
I couldn't believe it, I kept aiming feet.
A twist to the left and he sprang like a dove,
Thresh must have trained him, it was death from above!

He picked up my pack, the spoils of the slaughter,
then he jumped through the window and entered the water.
And taking the Pent, Thresh and Santa proceeded
to kill all the players, no apologies needed.

They ran through the level, neither one ever died.
It was simply a beating, I thought as I cried.
But I heard them pronounce, ere they left us in shame,
"Happy Christmas you llamas, you should try a new game!"

-- Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. And now, you know why.
Filking (4.50 / 2) (#14)
by PenguinWrangler on Wed Dec 27, 2000 at 06:29:14 AM EST

One of geek/nerd/hacker culture's oldest traditions is that of the filk
Which originated with Science Fiction Fandom. Well, the word did, at least. Waaaaaaaay back in the fifties. Like most fannish phrases (such as Ghod, Bheer and Potsacrd) this originated as a typo which in the days of manual typewriters and duplicators people often couldn't be arsed to fix as this meant retyping the page and probably wasting a stencil. Other people interpreted it as Wonderful Fannish Wit. Or something.
Where a lot of geek/nerd/hacker people may be SF fans, not all SF fans are geeks, nerds or hackers.
But there is a lot of overlap so I can see why they appropriated the term...!
Oh, and not all SF fans like filk, filking and filkers. Most fans I know consider it abhorrent.

"Information wants to be paid"
T'was the Night Before K5mas | 15 comments (14 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
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