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Anus surgery - drawing from experience

By leon jacobs in Op-Ed
Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 05:24:52 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

I recently had my ass operated. Not as in: "I had my ass kicked." A surgeon actually used a scalpel on my anus. I'm writing this information piece on my experience in the interest of the general public. People who needed this procedure don't actually walk around with t-shirts bearing the slogan: "Ask me about anus surgery." They don't go to support groups announcing their presence with a "Hi, my name is Leon and I've had my ass cut."

So I'm breaking the silence. I'm telling you what it's like. And most importantly, what you can do to avoid the plight that was mine.

How it all began

On Monday, 2 July, I woke up with a lump in my nether regions. It wasn't the kind of lump a lot of five-year-olds wake up with. This badboy was under my skin. Of course, I didn't become aware of it immediately. They start small.

During the course of the day I wasn't really aware of the thing. Although, thinking about it now, my ass was sending postcards to my brain. It's just that this is the kind of message a person's brain tries to ignore. It's called denial.

A BIG MISTAKE. The next day the lump's existence floated into my conscious mind. Anus was now firing emails fast and furiously at Brain. Anus is a shy feller and bar a few trusted friends, he likes to think of the area in my boxers as `his hood'. Plus, the thing on the perimeter of my exhaust pipe was starting to hurt.

I was obviously going to have to deal with it.

Now how do you deal with a lump in your ass? Well, thanks to the might of the drug industry there is a variety of anaestethic ointments available that will wage their dirty war on the little critter.

Problem is, in my case, I left it too long.

The thing started to expand even further making life very uncomfortable for me. You may wonder what this discomfort entails. Well, for a start you have to sit at an angle. And bowel movements do not provide their normal symphonic release you may (or may not) normally experience. (On a side note: I like to think of my movements as a spiritual experience.) In fact, you dread them. Which is not a normal relationship to have with your anus.

I used the ointments. Lots of it. But nothing. Growth was now what can only be termed as exponential. I needed help.

A third party enters

On Thursday I realised that I needed the opinion of a medical doctor. Now, I don't generally believe in going to a practitioner. Their ways and means are sometimes far too commercial for my liking. But what was a boy to do? Anyway, I went to the nearest medical centre. The receptionist asked me if I had any preferences. I told her that I didn't have any particular feelings on the matter. I just want to get this overwith so that I can get to work.

So I went in to see the doctor. It went like this:

Me: Hi, I'm Leon (blushing, she's kinda cute)
Doc: And I'm Virginia, pleased to meet you. What can we do for you today?
Me: Er ... please have a look at my a-hole.

Well, I suppose dogs sniff each other's butts instead of shaking hands. But still. Anyway, after I unhooked my corduroy's she confirmed my fears:

I needed surgery.

She referred me to a specialist surgeon and so it came to pass that on Friday afternoon I was looking down the Xenon lamp of an operating theatre through my wrong side whilst a handful of pretty theatre nurses were helping the anaesthetist put me to sleep.

Post surgery

I can't tell you much about the surgery. What I know about it is hearsay. What felt like seconds to me was in fact one and a half hours. The specialist reassured me: "Sorry, Son, but we had to cut more veins out of you're a-hole than we initially anticipated."

Me: (Thinking) But I feel fine. Why are you saying sorry.

Doc: The anaesthetics will wear down in about thirty minutes. We'll organise you some morphine then.

Fear set in. The shit was about to hit the fan, I realised.

Post pile removal surgery is not at all like a walk in the park. It's more than a bummer. You bleed all over the show, your anus is now directly shouting in your brain's ear and you can't imagine what your first bowel movement is going to be like.

Some other reasons why anus surgery sucks

At this point is should be fairly obvious to you that there are many better ways to spend a week than to go through what has been my plight. I can think of million things right now: wash five million cars, reinstall Windows, and watch The Waltons - to name but a few.

You get the picture.

But let me point out some other less obvious reasons why anus surgery sucks:

  • Sitting in traffic.
  • Eating (because of what happens later)
  • Being the butt of all the jokes at your place of employment, enduring many wondrous puns like "Glad you didn't meet your end, Leon" followed by uncontrollable sniggers.
  • Bathing in chemicals, rather than being able to clean yourself with loo paper.
  • And, enriching the sons of Satan over at the hygienic pad factory because I'm now going through more pads in one week than any well functioning woman does in a year.

So now for the question on all of your minds:

How can I avoid this from happening to me?

If you don't want a scalpel to go where the sun don't shine, you have to be aware of where these little buggers come from. This will set you on a path of prevention which is always better than the cure as described above.

Piles or haemorrhoids are a product of a Western way of life.

They are really blocked veins in (yes, in) and around your exhaust pipe. They block because of pressure from above. The pressure can either be the cause of pregnancy (common in women) or constipation (common in men).

For the prevention of pregnancy I'm sure you only need one word of advice. Contraception. For the prevention of constipation another: Roughage.

Put plenty of grains and fibre in your diet and your bowels will move like a platoon.

Also, listen to your body. If your bowels send an email with the following words in the subject line: "Gotta poo, Daddy" then don't reply: "Wait, I've just got to finish this last few lines of copy" or whatever else that's preventing you from going when your body tells you to.

Don't strain on the loo "to get the last bit out." Rather save it for a rainy day if push comes to shove.

Also, remember the golden rule of pile combat: libraries are for reading and crappers are for yes, crapping.

Which is what I wish I could do normally now. But alas, that pleasure will only be mine in a few weeks when my butt has healed from the trauma of staring a masked madman wielding a scalpel in the eye.


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Anus surgery - drawing from experience | 82 comments (70 topical, 12 editorial, 0 hidden)
so much for lunch... (3.40 / 10) (#1)
by nyar on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 03:18:50 PM EST


makes me glad i'm vegetarian! Thanks to all that non-digestable cellulose i consume, I won't have to fear this one.

..although now I'm really not thinking of consuming anything... yuk..

Agreed. (4.00 / 4) (#9)
by drivers on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 04:48:36 PM EST

I'm a recent (3 months) vegan myself. Definately having things moving through quite nicely. :)

[ Parent ]
Wow (3.00 / 4) (#20)
by kezgin on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 06:24:20 PM EST

someone else on k5. cool.

[ Parent ]
several, even. (3.00 / 4) (#22)
by b0r3d on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 06:55:10 PM EST

[ Parent ]
veggies (3.00 / 2) (#33)
by phobia on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 11:01:47 PM EST

After I gave up meat, I noticed that my digestive tract is far less leisurely... only now do I appreciate this as a benefit.

You all just keep consuming your fat-laden mad cow burgers :-)

[ "never talk to strangers" - RFC 1855, 2.1.2 ]

[ Parent ]
Nothing wrong with burgers (none / 0) (#58)
by LitaJuarez on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 03:52:19 PM EST

I have a weird condition. I could never go vegetarian. I would never be out of the bathroom. Fibre to me is like red hot chillis to other people. I eat brown bread and the like, but remove meat entirely? I'd be stuck in the bathroom for hours on end. The joy of IBS. Glad the surgery went okay dude BTW! My wife is currently pregnant but thankfully has not had any problems yet, and there's only 4 weeks to go. How can I be a Dad? I'm still a kid myself (he said at the ripe old age of 30).

[ Parent ]
I bet there're a bunch. (3.00 / 2) (#35)
by jacob on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 11:47:08 PM EST

I'm vegan, myself. I'm guessing there are probably a fair number of vegans and vegetarians here. Maybe we should post some articles, flush out the ones that're hiding. =)

"it's not rocket science" right right insofar as rocket science is boring


[ Parent ]
hey yeah, me too (1.00 / 1) (#56)
by persimmon on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 11:09:30 AM EST

It goes with my bleeding-heart liberalism quite nicely :)
It's funny because it's a blancmange!
[ Parent ]
My brand of veggieness (4.00 / 1) (#71)
by dzimmerm on Fri Jul 13, 2001 at 05:43:27 PM EST

I do not eat anything I am not willing to kill myself. Since people are not availabe for eating I am an ovo lacto vegetarian. I tend to think of myself as a anti-hipocritical vegetarian.

I an not a liberal, however, I am a libertarian.


[ Parent ]
Veggies have to fear too... (3.66 / 3) (#39)
by gte910h on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 02:12:59 AM EST

We eat more fiber then most people, but if we sit on our asses all day and don't crap it out fast enough, we too get 'roids.

[ Parent ]
Hilarious (3.50 / 8) (#4)
by Nyarlathotep on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 03:49:03 PM EST

Bob the Anal Fissure is a simillar story and equally funny, but it's quite a bit longer.
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me!
Been there done that. (3.81 / 16) (#5)
by tweek on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 03:52:04 PM EST

I feel your pain my friend. I had sugery for polynidal (sp?) cysts over the summer before my senior year in high school.

I can say without a doubt it is the most humiliating thing in the world have your mom have to help you in the bathroom at age 18 because you can't wipe your own backside.

The sad part is not being able to tell anyone WHY you're holed up in the house all summer.

Some people call me crazy but I prefer to think of myself as freelance lunatic.
Didn't think of that. (none / 0) (#66)
by Crashnbur on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 02:47:35 AM EST

*prays to the ass-demons* Let my ass be healthy and safe! :-)

For that matter, I wouldn't mind the rest of my body continuing to function in its proper manners...


[ Parent ]
been there did that.... (none / 0) (#72)
by flak on Sat Jul 14, 2001 at 12:17:44 AM EST

four times... Word to the wize. Shave.

[ Parent ]
Totally Inappropriate! (3.00 / 8) (#10)
by mcherm on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 04:50:15 PM EST

This article was humorous, yes, but it was Gross, Disgusting, Impolite, Irreverent, and Totally Inappropriate.

Voting +1 FP.

-- Michael Chermside

Get real son (5.00 / 1) (#52)
by klerulo on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 10:39:08 AM EST

This well-written humorous article is about the real world. S$%t happens as they say. If you can't even read about it, I hope it never happens to you 'cos if you're too embarrased to even talk about it it's gonna be worse.
God lives in you, as you - Hindu proverb
[ Parent ]
Was a-hole really the word your doctor used? (3.63 / 11) (#16)
by SIGFPE on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 05:39:21 PM EST

I want the truth. If I ever have anything like this I sure as hell am not going to call it an a-hole. The problem is - I can't decide what word would be least embarassing.
Wording (4.00 / 7) (#18)
by lb008d on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 06:03:34 PM EST

Why, in this day and age, are colloquialisms necessary for talking about a "taboo" part of one's body?

I *do* realize that the author wrote this with a humorous slant, but constantly using phrases like "exhaust pipe", "a-hole" (noted above) among others reflect an inability that many people have when it comes to talking frankly about their bodies.

I suppose this is why we see so many ads about self-examination for men and women in magazines.

[ Parent ]
Truth (4.59 / 22) (#17)
by Tsuran on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 05:48:27 PM EST

I'm recovering from the same surgery now, myself. And the actual surgery part is fine. The four-six weeks of excruciating pain are the bad part.

You see, they can't stitch anything up down there. So you basically have open wounds that have to heal on their own power. And that hurts badly enough, but whenever you need to go to the toilet...

I have never before screamed in pain before. It feels like you're being split open, like someone's laying a red hot iron right on an open wound. And there's nothing you can do about it. You eat less, because you fear what'll happen...you dread eating, because of what it'll do. The nurse told me that this kind of surgery is the most painful post-op...it's worse than childbirth.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm on painkillers and narcotics, and they tend not to work, as the pain is too intense and too brief. It's like throwing a dixie cup of water onto a forest fire. It goes away after anywhere from 15 sec-5 min, but that time is the longest time of your life. It's indescribable.

And lucky me, I get to have multiple operations. So this summer will be pretty much taken up by screaming and wishing for death. Isn't that lovely?

The moral (none / 0) (#79)
by codepoet on Wed Jul 18, 2001 at 07:31:14 PM EST

The moral of this story, kids, is when Mr. Hanky comes a' knockin', you better start ploppin'. =)

-- The cynical can often see the sinister aspect of a cup of coffee if given enough time.
[ Parent ]
wow (2.50 / 8) (#19)
by speek on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 06:18:25 PM EST

And to think I thought hernia operations were bad!

al queda is kicking themsleves for not knowing about the levees

re: and I though hernia operations were bad! (none / 0) (#62)
by Your Mom on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 07:38:43 PM EST

If you don't count the 2 days of crawling around the house on all fours becuse you *have* to stay bent over at the waist, mine wasn't all *that* bad... Not that I was confortable with anyone going down there with a sharp object, intending to use it...

"As far as I'm concerned, Osama bin Laden can eat a dick." -trhurler
[ Parent ]
Scatological Humor (3.50 / 10) (#21)
by slick willie on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 06:38:01 PM EST

I don't know why it's still funny, but it is. I'll laugh as hard at a good old-fashioned fart joke at 31 as I did when I was 13.

This one brought tears to my eyes, on so many levels. The only thing that made me cringe more was when a friend described his vasectomy to me. "When I felt the tug down below and in my throat, I damn near fainted."

I damn near fainted hearing that.

"...there is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit."
--Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address

Hey.. (3.75 / 12) (#23)
by Sheepdot on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 07:13:23 PM EST

I might be having a similar problem, only I don't have any pains down there except when doing the duty. It tends to come out just fine, just hurts all the time. I have bled on occasion, but it doesn't hurt at all.

Anyway, I've looked up info on the net regarding what I might have, pain when crapping (except when it bleeds), pain in my upper abdomen after eating a large meal, and definate notification when bowel movements happen.

My diet is low fiber, but definately not *no* fiber, and from what I can tell, hemeroids isn't what I have. I've looked into what other things it could be: worms, colon or rectal cancer, etc. But none of them seem to fit exactly what I have.

I'm not about to go see a doctor about it when I can look info up on the net, but does anyone have any good websites that might give out this information? Preferably free web sites.


My advice (4.88 / 9) (#24)
by drivers on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 07:23:21 PM EST

Go to the doctor

[ Parent ]
Does this sound strange to you? (4.90 / 11) (#25)
by PopeFelix on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 07:25:07 PM EST

I'm not about to go see a doctor about it when I can look info up on the net

To me, that sounds just a little bit unhealthy. I understand not wanting to shell out for a doctor, especially if you don't have insurance, but you bleed? And it hurts to poop?

If you're poor, or if you're cheap, see if you can find a clinic that offers low-income health care. Many of these outfits work on a sliding scale, so you generally get a very affordable bill. But for Pete's sake, go see a doctor!

Post No Bills

[ Parent ]
Net Maniacs (none / 0) (#78)
by codepoet on Wed Jul 18, 2001 at 07:27:17 PM EST

I rather have to agree, and this is what frightens me about health sites. On one hand I love that I can be a little prepared, do some research, talk to others with a condition, etc. That's a really wonderful use of the Internet. On the other, people, like my wife, who avoid all possible chances to see a doctor with the excuse "oh, it'll go away" really scare me.

I don't know what causes people to fear the doctor, but, personally, every time I go, I spill. I tell everything that could be wrong (within a fair amount of reason), which usually comes to three to five things a visit (bi-annual). I want to be ok. I want things to be fixed. I want to be running at 100%.

For your own sake, people, if you're bleeding for more than a day ANYWHERE go see a freakin' doctor!! The fact that something is still bleeding denotes constant irritation and/or a clotting problem. This is doubly so if you start feeling weak or tired.

I'm not going to say you have to like going, but that, in the long run, it's much better to have things taken care of than to leave them hanging. For instance, I have chronic heartburn. Not daily, but at least weekly and for hours at a time. I thought I could handle it and Tums would work great, but I never knew how happy I could be until I brought this up and my doctor prescribed Zantac 150. Twice a day and the heartburn was gone (as well as the occasional traffic jam and subsequent bleeding caused by too much acid in the food that was passed on). Which means I feel better. (And also means I've experienced this stuff and am duely frightened by it. It's not pleasent that first time you see the red bowl and then remember you're male and nothing there should bleed under normal circumstances.)

Go to the doctor, bring it up, feel better.

-- The cynical can often see the sinister aspect of a cup of coffee if given enough time.
[ Parent ]

Bleeding etc. (4.50 / 4) (#28)
by fluffy grue on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 08:27:52 PM EST

I don't know about the abdominal pain, but the bleeding sounds like a rectal fissure. It's a genetic thing which I'll probably have to deal with, given that both my dad and one of his sisters had one.

What helps is to get a box of moist towlettes, and do your initial wiping with one of those before going to the (much more abrasive) toilet paper. You'll have a cleaner butt, too.
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

I know it's kinda gross but.... (4.33 / 3) (#29)
by IggyBung on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 08:34:54 PM EST

What colour is the blood. If it's bright red, then it really is most likely a fissure. If it's black, then the bleeding is farther up and could be something more serious.

I had a similar problem "poo-poo"'ed (sorry for the pun) by my doctor. Just take it easy on the john for a while.


[ Parent ]
As did I (4.88 / 9) (#42)
by rusty on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 04:36:53 AM EST

Same story here. I had basically the same thing for a couple months, a little more than a year ago. It eventually went away by itself. "Bleeding from the ass" sounds scary, but it seemed pretty clear to me that it wasn't a big deal, and it definitely cleared up on it's own. I didn't have any noticeable pain anywhere else, though.


Ok, that said, I can't believe we're all sitting around having a lively discussion about anal health. This is too bizarre for words. I completely don't know whether to be really proud, or just totally horrified. I'm leaning toward really proud, though. Which maybe says some odd things about me.

Anyway, here's to us. "Kuro5hin.org: Because a healthy bum is it's own reward."

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

Worries. (none / 0) (#76)
by fairygodmother on Tue Jul 17, 2001 at 12:14:26 AM EST

To start off, I'm not posting under my real account because, well, I'm not talking openly about my ass in private and I'm definitely not talking openly about my ass in public. I've avoided K5 for awhile now because of several things from constant irritation and fighting to simply too much time spent gabbing. I just dropped by to refresh myself on a few of Inoshiro's security articles. Then I bump into this on the front page!

I've had light bleeding for perhaps a year (I'm guessing here. It could be perhaps as long as 18 or 24 months). I always have ignored it, figuring it's the result of loving and eating spicy foods and insanely hot sauces. I don't bleed all the time, but it probably happens for a few ... uh... 'dumps' each week. Usually it's just enough that you can barely see some blood on the toilet paper afteward. Rarely, it's enough that you can see thin streaks of it on the... um... well, the uh... 'logs' after a dump. Only a few times has it been enough to actually 'pool' in the toilet. Sometimes (rarely really), I can go to the bathroom and just know as I'm going that i'm bleeding before I even get up and take a look. Sometimes it's just the feel as it comes out and sometimes it's that it hurts a little. It doesn't hurt most of the time. 90% of the time it's just fine when it bleeds, although it might sting a bit until I wipe and wipe and wipe to keep it really clean. It has never hurt enough that I've avoided going to the bathroom or though 'oh god this is going to hurt'. The blood is usually bright, even if it is kind of pooled (the very rare times there is a lot of it that is). I always thought a hemmeroid was like a 'cyst' on the outside of your ass. On the cheek or something. I've been scared a few times when my thoughts wandered to thinking 'maybe i've got colon cancer?'. I have great health insurance but i've never bothered to use it. I haven't been to a doctor or dentist or anything else in the several years i've had the insurance. A lot of people are probably going to want to know why i dont' see a doctor. The answer is that because it's embarassing and more than anything else i'm scared. Men tend to avoid doctors to begin with. I don't know why, but it seems almost all of us have that in our nature. But I am also scared to death of any kind of surgery. Ever since I was a little kid I would tell myself that if I ever had to have a surgery when I was older, I'd probably rather die than go under the knife. I was supposed to have oral surgery (all my wisdom teeth removed in a single sitting, surgically, meaning i'll be knocked out and have an iv drip) several years ago when the dentist said to do it soon and not wait until i'm more like 25 and take longer to heel. It's been about three years since that and i still haven't even made plans to go to the oral surgeon because I'm scared shitless (no pun intended). So the chance of me going to the doctor to have my ass groped and probed and prodded and the chance of being whisked away to surgery is almost zero. I just keep telling myself that it will go away. After all, it isn't like i'm writhing in agony or anything. It isn't painful it is just gross. I hope that with my attempts to change my diet (to lose weight) that if i have more fiber (oatmeal for breakfast, some bagels, etc) and drink less soda and more water i will end all of this and it won't be a problem anyway. I just really really really really don't want to go to the doctors and really really absolutely totally without a doubt do not want to have my rear cut up.

[ Parent ]

Bright red. (none / 0) (#55)
by Sheepdot on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 11:07:24 AM EST

And no. It doesn't hurt bad enough for me to see a doctor.

What would hurt more would be this surgery I hear people talking about, and I'm not about to subject myself to one of those.

I think myself that it is just a cut inside my rectum and will hopefully clear itself up after I ease up on the john in the future.

[ Parent ]
Umm, that's not so good! (none / 0) (#61)
by wallinbl on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 06:52:20 PM EST

A cut, or tear, inside your rectum can be a bad thing. Feces is not clean, it may contain bacteria. If there is a cut in your rectum, this can allow things which your body has filtered out to reenter your bloodstream.

Can you not take a mirror and determine if there is any skin tear on the outside?

[ Parent ]
See a Doctor (4.75 / 4) (#32)
by Lizard on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 11:01:16 PM EST

Just to clear the air, I fully appreciate a revulsion to seeing and paying for a doctor. To illustrate this point, let me say that I know from experience that stealing a liquid nitrogen from the physics lab and having your roommate apply it to your foot with a Q-Tip is not an effective nor painless treatment for planters warts.

That said, you're bleeding out of your ass and your gut hurts. Chances are that the sooner you see a doctor the sooner the problem will be fixed and the less your total cost is going to be. When there's blood coming out of your ass I think that you can be pretty sure that you are in fact ill and in need to medical treatment and that you are not being a hypocondriac.
Just Because I Can!
[ Parent ]

IBD, Crohn's, and food allergies (none / 0) (#74)
by MrJbQ7 on Sat Jul 14, 2001 at 06:52:59 PM EST

You might want to investigate the possibility of it being Irritable Bowel Disease or Crohn's Disease. Both of these are a sort of catch-all description of ulcers and intestinal irritation. Generally this can be treated with anti-inflammatory medicine and sometimes quick bouts of steroids. Do some research and check with a doctor. Common symptoms are abdominal pain, rectal bleeding, fissures, constipation, etc.

Also, there has been some research relating food allergies with these diseases. You might want to track the foods you eat and when you get bleeding. Usually the food in the previous 12-36 hours will cause bleeding, pain, or discomfort if your body has an allergic reaction.

[ Parent ]

Here is something NOT to do (5.00 / 1) (#75)
by magullo on Mon Jul 16, 2001 at 08:39:54 AM EST

Do not, repeat, do not use a toothbrush to relieve yourself of the itching

[ Parent ]
I, too, am post-op (4.06 / 16) (#26)
by The Queen on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 07:32:03 PM EST

I had surgery on the 22nd of June - for 3 'rhoids and a rectal fissure. I bled so much they had to do skin grafts and when I woke up I had a drain plug sticking out of my bum. Once the spinal block wore off I was howling.

It's been reeeeally hard to continue eating, knowing that whatever you put in your mouth will come out the other end - and being a vegetarian, I eat lots of fiber as a general rule. But for the past few weeks I've given up chick peas and spinach, thanks but no thanks. :-)

Baby wipes, sitz baths, and yes, pantiliners galore. What the hell is that green goo, anyway?!

I'm not sure how it is for a guy, but I had sex for the first time today since the operation, and that was an extremely delicate manuever, let me tell you. I still can't sit in a hard chair, and I still hyperventilate when crapping.

For those of you who SIT all day, get up and walk around! I sat at a desk for 8+ hours, then sat in traffic for a half hour each way. That's just as bad as sitting on the toilet while you read War and Peace! EXCERCISE!

Thanks for letting me share my $.02.
-Queen V

Wakka wakka walk walk... (3.83 / 6) (#27)
by jabber on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 07:50:00 PM EST

Yes, the sitting job, coupled with an affinity for bloody, red meat and beer is definitelly conducive to lumpy, bumpy, painful rectums. And how!

Going on vacation to a European city, where you have to walk almost everywhere you go, is my recommended treatment - along with switching from Ales to Lagers, but the latter may just be coincidental.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

beer (2.25 / 4) (#49)
by Ender Ryan on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 08:41:31 AM EST

I drink a lot of it, mostly ales. I'll go try some lagers right away! ; )


Exposing vast conspiracies! Experts at everything even outside our expertise! Liberators of the world from the oppression of the evil USian Empire!

We are Kuro5hin!

[ Parent ]

Curiosity? Immaturity? (none / 0) (#67)
by Crashnbur on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 02:59:25 AM EST

To be honest, I don't know which is more significant in the spawning of this question, but I feel like I have to ask about this sex thing. I guess it's a given that he's gotta love you tender, but isn't that a bit risky? I'm not sure in what ways I mean that, so I assume I meant all of them. :-) I'm just curious as to what you think about it. Ignore it completely if you'd like... Probably a bad idea for me to make such comments.


[ Parent ]
after the lovin' (4.00 / 1) (#73)
by The Queen on Sat Jul 14, 2001 at 02:49:09 PM EST

Honey if you knew me you wouldn't hesitate to ask me that. ;-)

The doc said that recovery would take about 2 weeks. After my 2 week check-up he said I looked 80-90% healed. So once I decided that a) it didn't hurt as bad anymore and b) I was REALLY ready for an orgasm now, I figured we'd try it. The key was to go slow, and to pay attention to make sure we didn't rupture anything. It went fine.

I appreciate your concern, though, believe me I thought about all that, myself. It's not like I'm back to my normal nympho self yet, either. It'll be another week or so before that happens.


[ Parent ]
Good god (2.92 / 14) (#30)
by starbreeze on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 09:18:38 PM EST

I voted this down and i come back later to see it glaring in my face as the top article on the front page. I guess I just don't have a sense of humor. Mod me down.

"There's something strangely musical about noise." ~Trent Reznor

Female? (3.66 / 3) (#40)
by John Milton on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 03:15:34 AM EST

For some reason, women don't seem to appreciate the finer details of ass surgery. I don't either, but I've never had it, and I hope I never do. The fact that this hit the front page is proof to me that this site is 80% male.

"When we consider that woman are treated as property, it is degrading to women that we should Treat our children as property to be disposed of as we see fit." -Elizabeth Cady Stanton

[ Parent ]
Two words (1.80 / 5) (#43)
by Potsy on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 06:17:13 AM EST

Katie Couric.

[ Parent ]
What a coincidence... (3.20 / 10) (#31)
by Moron Mk2 on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 10:03:30 PM EST

I am now exactly 5 hours and 7 minutes post op on having a cyst removed from "downstairs". The block started to let go around an hour ago, and I can tell ya, it's not a happy time downstairs right now... I'd write more, I know how much I hate to see ultra-short comments... but the drugs won't let me!

You mean.... (none / 0) (#51)
by khallow on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 10:15:42 AM EST

I am now exactly 5 hours and 7 minutes post op on having a cyst removed from "downstairs".

Ah, the infamous "pilonidal cyst"? I hear it effects a lot of guys (it's a birth defect of varying degree of severity), and you normally don't know about it unless you have one bother you. Make a guess how I "knew" about it? No surgery needed though.

On a pathetic note, I didn't remember how to spell "pilonidal" (not being in my daily vocabulary, you know), but I recalled that Rush Limbaugh had one. So it just required a little search on "Rush Limbaugh cyst" to uncover horrid things that I'll only vaguely hint at. But I did get the correct spelling of "pilonidal" which must be worth something on the cosmic scale. ;-)

[ Parent ]

You got it (none / 0) (#57)
by Moron Mk2 on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 12:17:35 PM EST

Yeah, I had the pilonidal cyst. 2 of them actually, if you want to get down to counting follicles. Another short reply... I need to break this habit.

[ Parent ]
its too much... (2.78 / 23) (#34)
by 0x00 on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 11:29:04 PM EST



There is always (at least) one clown.

Got Constipation? (4.42 / 14) (#36)
by selkirk on Tue Jul 10, 2001 at 11:58:46 PM EST

As long as we're doing the PSAs, I might was well mention that reoccurring constipation, often severe, is an early and common symptom of hypothyroidism.

Depending on which online quack you listen to, up to 10% of the US population may have some sort of thyroid problem. The treatment, Synthroid (levothyroxine), is in the top 5 most frequently prescribed medications.

Signs that you may have hypothyroidism:

You are always tired.
You may feel depressed or have trouble thinking clearly.
You have high cholesterol.
You have gained weight, or have difficulty losing weight.
many more. (page down past risks for symptoms.)

Mary Shomon has compiled an impressive set of articles and links . (Start here)

For the Microsoft haters out there, hypothyroidism suffers have their own giant evil company to hate for surprisingly similar reasons: Over charging, misleading marketing, and quality problems.

My first hemorrhoid (3.20 / 10) (#37)
by Skwirl on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 01:29:33 AM EST

Earlier this year I was half-way through a very enjoyable first viewing of The Big Lebowski on the campus movie channel, and had just finished a cheap microwavable mexican meal, when quite suddenly I felt a painful need to go to the potty. I was pretty pissed off that I had to miss the end of the movie, but I quickly forgot about that inconvienence when I noticed: MY ANUS IS BLEEEEEDING... Well, sufficeth to say, I got my butt to the school clinic and found out it was just a minor fissure. But, to this day, whenever I see John Goodman on television, I can't help but shiver and remember the prophetic words: "You're entering a world of pain."

"Nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself." -- Herman Hesse
I wrote a song to commemorate this! (1.55 / 20) (#38)
by Zeio on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 01:53:24 AM EST

The Sanitations (Sung to the tune of "My Girl," by The Temptations)

"My Ass"

I've got indigestion
On a smelly day
When its brewing inside
I've got pain like a gay

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
MY ASS. (Choral) My assss, My assss.
Talkin' 'bout MY ASS. (Choral) Oooooh.

I've got so much dysentery
No one envies me.
I've got a nastier rump roast
Than dogs with worms

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
MY ASS. (Choral) My assss, My assss.
Talkin' 'bout MY ASS. (Choral) Oooooh.
Ooooh, Hoooo. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no EX-LAX
Senna or a fleet
I've got all the diarrhea, baby,
One man can lay

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
MY ASS. (My ass, my ass)
Talkin' 'bout my ass. (My ass)
Talkin' bout my ass.
I've got diarrhea after Imodium AD
With my ass.
I've even got a month of loose stools
With my ass.
Talkin' bout, talkin' bout my ass . . .

simplest solution... (3.63 / 11) (#41)
by ajduk on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 04:00:42 AM EST

An apple a day. Amazingly effective in improving bowel movement. Whitens teeth, too.

Drink plenty of water (4.45 / 11) (#44)
by Sharrow on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 06:40:28 AM EST

Eating all the fibre in the world doesn't do much good unless you're drinking enough water. The fibre absorbs the water, which is what gives it bulk.

Looks like I had a close shave. Had a small amount of bleeding, went to the Doc, and he told me plenty of fibre and plenty of water. Cleared it up pretty quickly.

-- I've got green eyes, red hair, and I'm left handed. A hundred years ago, I'd have been considered in league with the Devil.
Geometric? (3.00 / 11) (#45)
by billybob2001 on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 07:48:06 AM EST

Growth was now what can only be termed as exponential.

Did you "work it out" with a slide rule?

Or reach for the "log" tables?

(And tables are always accompanied by "stools", aren't they?)

Re: Geometric? (none / 0) (#64)
by abdera on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 01:04:25 AM EST

Did you "work it out" with a slide rule?

That sounds painful in itself. I guess exponential functions are hard to work out with a pencil though.

#224 [deft-:deft@98A9C369.ipt.aol.com] at least i don't go on aol
[ Parent ]

I expect the slide show will soon be available... (2.30 / 10) (#46)
by marlowe on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 08:01:43 AM EST

over at rotten.com.

-- The Americans are the Jews of the 21st century. Only we won't go as quietly to the gas chambers. --
Can Someone Confirm/Deny.. (1.77 / 9) (#47)
by ignatiusst on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 08:30:59 AM EST

Is this K5's first humor article to make it to the front page?

Bravo, leon jacobs.

When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift

Paypal (2.00 / 9) (#48)
by slaytanic killer on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 08:35:07 AM EST

Thank god I didn't get a Paypal account yet. Cause I know I'd be screamin' for my money back. Pretty anal retentive about such things.

That said, it's a brilliant article, and seems somehow important to know. But for the next few days there will be such crappy humour articles in the queue...

You know, funny thing is there was this Classics prof I once knew whom I really trusted. A friend and I really wondered for days if he was being all apocryphal, but it was hard not to believe one story he told us. On his first day of his university career, he called out attendance, to straighten out who was in the class. And the first name he found was "Anus, Harry." So he tried out a sort of Romanicized pronunciation, "Harry Ahnewss." And the reply was, "No, it's Anus."

My argument was that any self-respecting person would at least call himself Harold instead of Harry. Then again, it was the '60s/'70s...

Story must be true... (none / 0) (#59)
by slaytanic killer on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 03:57:14 PM EST

I just got fwd'ed an email from a person with a strikingly similar name, from a large tech company that shall remain nameless.

[ Parent ]
Glad I didn't register for k5... (2.00 / 8) (#50)
by gordonjcp on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 09:57:37 AM EST

...there's nothing but shit on kuro5hin these days!
Oh, and veggies? Trust me, you *will* get piles if you're not careful. I hate to think of what all that bran fibre going past the post-op wound would be like.
General dietary advice? I'd avoid any squishy foods like burgers, hotdogs and tofu, and only eat identifiable meat and vegetables.
Remember: Avoid the squish!

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll bore you rigid with fishing stories for the rest of your life.

Inoshiro (2.62 / 8) (#53)
by gisano on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 10:43:18 AM EST

I do not know how but I am led to believe Inoshiro had something to do with this.
Repressed (none / 0) (#82)
by p3d0 on Sat Jun 01, 2002 at 09:35:16 AM EST

That's "I am being repressed".
Patrick Doyle
My comments do not reflect the opinions of my employer.
[ Parent ]
More helpful hints (4.44 / 9) (#54)
by klerulo on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 10:52:40 AM EST

Two words: Psyllium husk
Half a normal flat spoon of this stuff sprinkled on your cereal and _lots_ of water through the day. No-one need ever be constipated again.

I had iatrogenetically induced constipation as a teenager - result of aspirin prescribed for rheumatic fever. At age 19 I had piles and a fissure. Doctor prescribed "conservative management". But it was my late-ex mother-in-law who was the most help (well, I'm not married to her daughter any more and she's dead, therefore she's my late-ex mo.-in-law, right? Or is that stretching a point?!?) She was a nurse and she told me to _squat_ not sit when doing my business. We didn't evolve sitting!

I don't care how you arrange it, squat on the seat, install a Japanese style toilet, drop it into paper and put that down the toilet - suit yourself, I'm just telling you how to avoid pain :-) Choose between being conventional or being pain free. I made my choice and it's worked for 35 years. Only learned about the psyllium husk a couple of years ago, it's magic.
God lives in you, as you - Hindu proverb
One More Tip (3.00 / 4) (#60)
by dagoski on Wed Jul 11, 2001 at 05:44:41 PM EST

Well, at first I wondered if Kuro5hin as was going to heck in an I-Book, but then I figured, hey much of the auidience is at risk for this type of thing. Anyway, lots of people have posted some good tips regarding fiber and all that. I'll put one more in. If you lift weights, be careful. Work within your capacity unless you're insane. Moving up with the weights too quickly can cause hemoroids, especially if you're the type who tenses every muscle in your body on that last rep of benches. I don't know if any specific exercise is worse for this or not. I think most people won't have any problems, but if you start benching more than your body weight, you'll want to take extra care.

Another good advice! (4.50 / 6) (#63)
by enani on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 12:01:48 AM EST

Remember that there are many other things you can do! Some techniques can be used to improve your mental health while loosening your stool! It is a very important thing to do!
--=* Moshi-moshi! *=--
Ruffage, isn't it? (4.00 / 3) (#65)
by Crashnbur on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 02:42:12 AM EST

I truly hope that (a) you overcome this plight quickly and (b) your telling of your plight helps many to avoid such a plight - including me! Oh, and excellent writing. While reading I felt horrified of the prospect of this happening to me, and even more horrified that you actually endured this, yet I couldn't stop laughing at how you went about saying things. Excellent writing... And, I can't resist... I hope everything comes out okay. :-)


that reminds me.. (3.33 / 3) (#68)
by hangareighteen on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 06:43:04 AM EST

..for some reason, of Anal Fissure Bob.

re: that reminds me.. (2.00 / 2) (#70)
by gimbo on Thu Jul 12, 2001 at 11:10:09 AM EST

I read that as "anal fissure bomb", and clicked immediately. Alas, I was mistaken... :-)

[ Parent ]
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya..." (1.00 / 1) (#77)
by driftingwalrus on Tue Jul 17, 2001 at 06:20:27 AM EST

"You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means."

"I drank WHAT?!" -- Socrates
I feel your pain but have never had the surgery; (none / 0) (#80)
by sexyblonde on Fri Jul 27, 2001 at 12:29:42 AM EST

Hemorroids suck!!! Yes, after I had my 3rd child a tiny little hemorroid sprouted on my anus. I eat a healthy diet so it doesn't bug me much but when it does flare up it hurts like hell. Someday I will have it removed.

Anus surgery - drawing from experience | 82 comments (70 topical, 12 editorial, 0 hidden)
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