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Love thy neighbor

By qpt in Op-Ed
Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 04:15:42 PM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)

It is troubling to realize that even in these modern, enlightened times, there still exists an oppressed minority that has garnered nearly no attention at all. It is unconscionable that we should continue to tyrannize and suppress those, who through no fault of their own, happen to fall outside the acceptable societal norms. Rather than being restrictive and dictatorial, we should strive to be loving and embracing of all peoples, ever abhorring discrimination.

Meet Tim. Tim is thirty years old, unwed, and currently unemployed. Unable to stay permanently employed because he is an oppressed minority, Tim has been through more jobs in his life than he can remember. Tim has few friends and it has been years since he had a date. In a way, Tim never really had a chance in life. Because of the way he is, he was shunned and repressed his entire life. You see, Tim is a goddamn fucking obnoxious asshole.

Nobody chooses to become a goddamn fucking obnoxious asshole. Whether because of genetics or improper rearing, the urge to become a irritating dumb-fuck becomes a part of people's personality wholly apart from their will. Nonetheless, these individuals are routinely discriminated against in all areas of life. There are no laws in place to assure them equitable employment, nor programs to educate school children about the beautiful alternative lifestyle of being really fucking annoying.

Some might callously claim that they simply do not like pains in the ass, but this is a hateful attitude engendered by society-wide patterns of discrimination. If one would put aside their personal biases and embrace the beauty inside these damn obnoxious cretins, one would realize that they are just like any other individual. Indeed, it is morally reprehensible to dislike someone because of a trait over which they have no control. Nor is it reasonable to expect the fucking assholes to try to conform to society's standards. They are the way they are, and any pressure to change would be ruinous to their self-esteem and sense of personhood.

As a society, we must labor together to accept those whom we really rather would not, lest we be rightfully accused of hypocrisy. We must hold tight to the founding father's idea that all men are created equal, even though we have long since abandoned the notion that men were created at all. Thus, I encourage each of you to kiss an asshole today.


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Fucking obnoxious assholes?
o We must strive to love them. 18%
o I am one. 81%

Votes: 61
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by qpt

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Love thy neighbor | 29 comments (18 topical, 11 editorial, 0 hidden)
valid arguments? (4.25 / 8) (#2)
by gunner800 on Tue Aug 28, 2001 at 11:07:05 PM EST

There is a traditional logic exercise where you replace the subject of an argument with some alternative, while keeping the structure of the argument the same. Since the validity of an argument is not dependent on the subject, the exercise helps expose out tendency to judge arguments by emotion or pre-conceived beliefs rather than strict logical validity.

In its current state, the argument is a nice piece of satire. But surely it is not a valid argument for good treatment of assholes.

Replace the various terms for obnoxious assholes with a generic term such as "X", and you get an argument that many people would consider valid. Those who disagree probably won't arouse harsh feeling.

Replace them with a politically popular minority group, to make an argument for fair treatment of homosexuals or blacks, and most would call it valid. Those who disagree are bigots.

---Ignore poorly-chosen handle for purpose of gun-control discussions.

You can't (3.60 / 5) (#18)
by Ken Arromdee on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 10:50:50 AM EST

just replace the words in something and get an equally valid argument. If I write an essay about eating apricots and you replaced apricots with rocks, you would be writing nonsense.

People *do* choose to be assholes. They don't choose to be blacks, nor do they choose to be Jews or homosexuals in quite the same way. And being an asshole is something you do to the people who treat you badly for it--being a black, Jew, or homosexual isn't. You can't make the same arguments about minorities and assholes, because they are different.

[ Parent ]

You are very insensitive (4.50 / 2) (#21)
by kumquat on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 01:16:51 PM EST

What right do you have to pass judgement like that? I happen to be a fucking obnoxious asshole, ok? Do you think I willingly chose to be this way? Do you think I just woke up one morning and said, "Hey, from now on I will be a fucking obnoxious asshole!"?

I'm sorry, but your insistence on differentiating between things that are nearly identical is very insulting to those of us inflicted with this condition. I am no different than a black, Jew or homosexual because, like them, I was born into this condition against my will. I do not want to be a fucking obnoxious asshole, but I am as powerless to change my personality as an African-American is to change their skin color.

Further, just like a black, Jew or homosexual, I will no longer allow society to make me believe that I am a lesser being. I am proud of my nature, for it represents my heritage. I come from a long line of fucking obnoxious assholes, and I resent the idea that we should be ashamed of who we are.

In conclusion, we are among you and always have been. You can try to ignore us if you like, but we aren't going away. You better learn to deal with it.

[ Parent ]

Validity vs. Soundness (none / 0) (#27)
by gunner800 on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 07:32:15 PM EST

Changing the subject of an argument does not effect the validity. It may, however, effect the soundness. A sound argument is a valid argument with true premises.

If this satire is a valid argument, it is valid regardless of subject. If assholes choose to be assholes, it is not sound with assholes as the subject. If homosexuals do not choose to be homosexuals, the argument is valid when applied to homosexuals.

---Ignore poorly-chosen handle for purpose of gun-control discussions.
[ Parent ]

Remember, this is Kuro5hin (none / 0) (#29)
by fluffy grue on Sun Sep 02, 2001 at 12:38:55 PM EST

People here don't actually know logical discourse or the appropriate terminology, and just think that they do. If you explain the proper terminology and point out where they're incorrect in their knowledge, they play the "but that's not what it means to most people!" card or accuse you of using jargon or being a language bigot. Then they'll use a "person on the street" argument - "If you were to ask a person on the street what is meant by 'X', they'll probably say 'Y'."
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

WCAOFA (none / 0) (#23)
by mrBlond on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 07:00:55 PM EST

Mr Powell said that until the "obnoxious fucking assholes should compensate for the exploitation of the humanitarians to build their economy" clause is removed, he will not consider discussing visiting the WCAOFA.

Bush, Reagan, Carter.
Inoshiro for cabal leader.
[ Parent ]

tough luck (3.50 / 4) (#4)
by mami on Tue Aug 28, 2001 at 11:30:22 PM EST

thus, I encourage each of you to kiss an asshole today .

I am having a bit difficulties with that, I can't reach mine...

You'll just have to kiss someone elses. (1.50 / 2) (#11)
by delmoi on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 04:21:25 AM EST

I'm sure they'll appreciate it.
"'argumentation' is not a word, idiot." -- thelizman
[ Parent ]
but (1.00 / 1) (#16)
by mami on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 09:58:33 AM EST

a** just don't get that, otherwise they were none.

[ Parent ]
I actually almost agree. (3.71 / 7) (#9)
by magney on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 01:51:27 AM EST

With the stated text of the article, that is. (I don't entirely agree, of course, because I think it's incorrect on a few salient points. More below)

To be specific, I don't think we should take it on ourselves to try to force someone who is an asshole to not be an asshole. Nor is it right (or useful) to just be an asshole back at them. On the other hand, contrary to the article's assertion, being an asshole is not "wholly apart from their will". It's not entirely within their will, because it's usually the result of a lot of life experiences. However, it, like any other attitude (and unlike other traits such as sexual preference), can be changed, albeit perhaps with difficulty or perhaps with the need of assistance, if the individual so chooses.

Not all of society's standards are arbitrary - some are dictated by the physical realities of the universe, or the psychological realities of other humans. Despite the Americans with Disabilities Act, we do not expect firefighters to give equal employment opportunity to paraplegics, since their disability inherently precludes them from performing the duties required for them. Similarly, we should not expect assholes to have equal employment opportunity in, say, marketing, or any other field which requires significant human interaction.

Perhaps the best analogy, in fact, is mental illness. Someone who suffers from, say, schizophrenia, is demonstrably and inherently less able to achieve the fullness of human experience that they could achieve if they were not schizophrenic. Thus, it is fully appropriate to encourage them to seek treatment for the condition. So it is with assholeism.

<small>(I choose not to open the question of whether qpt is being sarcastic or honest here. It really doesn't matter. In fact, it's more amusing if he's being sarcastic.)</small>

Do I look like I speak for my employer?

*snicker* (4.00 / 1) (#22)
by Scandal on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 04:13:14 PM EST

As a lifetime fucking obnoxious asshole (and with several patents pending on it), I'd like to point out that it is entirely within the realm of a person's will whether or not he chooses to be an asshole, or any of the sub-categories of asshole, including, but not limited to, fucking obnoxious asshole.

It largely stems from a failure to realize that one is responsible for himself. Blaming others for one's condition is an excellent way to start down that path.

In fact, it's your fault that I'm writing this bullshit right now. Asshole!

On the other hand, there is a certain art to being a true asshole, which only another true asshole can appreciate.

Being an asshole is an interesting trap, because the more an asshole is shunned, the more he becomes an asshole, which promotes further shunning, which promotes even greater assholy behavior.

Shunning assholes IS the only appropriate treatment for them, however, unless you want to keep them on euphorics for the rest of their lives, which just masks the condition. Or, alternately, killing them works, too, but it's legality is highly questionable these days (more so than the euphorics). A mere hundred fifty years ago or so, you could just challenge an asshole to a duel and be done with him.

An asshole merely has to believe he can stop and then want to bad enough. Or he has to want to bad enough and finally realize that he can (i.e. believe it). Initially, it's EXTREMELY HARD. Old habits have an annoying way of trying to reassert themselves. But there are reformed assholes out there. I've met all six of 'em.

The only reason there isn't a support group for assholes is because the real assholes would never attend, and the reformed ones don't need to.

But if you really want to try to take a 'scientific' approach and make some mental illness out of it, let me suggest you try searching the Y chromosome. It's a well-established fact that all assholes are male.

There is a similar female condition, however, known as "bitch". There are enough behavioral differences to conclude that it is not the same condition as "asshole", but given that it is specific to females, I'd suggest recessive on the X chromosome, or possibly caused by estrogen.

Men who exhibit bitchiness are simply gay, whether they know it or not.



[ Parent ]
Perhaps... (4.25 / 4) (#12)
by garethwi on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 04:57:02 AM EST

...Tim could get a job as an Oracle DBA.

I really wish (4.16 / 6) (#15)
by DoomHaven on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 06:55:31 AM EST

that goddamn fucking obnoxious assholes *were* the minority <sigh>. +1 FP. Good use of parody and irony. Nice ending.

My bleeding edge comes from cutting myself on Occam's Razor.
I'M BEING OPPRESSED! (1.41 / 12) (#20)
by Duke Machesne on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 12:00:25 PM EST

Inoshiro tried to rape my fucking obnoxious asshole


(somebody had to...)

Well, well.. (none / 0) (#24)
by darthaya on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 07:03:11 PM EST

Yes, you didn't *CHOOSE* to be an obnoxious asshole. But if you happened to become one for whatever reason, should I be impulsed to embrace you?

Not in a thousand year for me. I will try to stay clean.

Well, well.. (3.00 / 1) (#25)
by darthaya on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 07:04:41 PM EST

Yes, you didn't *CHOOSE* to be an obnoxious asshole. But if you happened to become one for whatever reason, should I be impulsed to embrace you?

Not in a thousand year for me. I will try to stay clean.

Assholes Anonymous (4.00 / 3) (#26)
by chipuni on Wed Aug 29, 2001 at 07:21:36 PM EST

We who are in Assholes Anonymous came because we finally gave up trying to control our behavior.

We decided to try and face up to what our assholeness had done to us. Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly. If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were in deep trouble with our assholeness. See how you do. Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a problem.

  1. Have you ever decided to stop being an asshole for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
  2. Do you wish people would fucking mind their own fucking business about your attitude?
  3. Have you ever switched from one friend to another in the hope that this would keep you from becoming an asshole?
  4. Have you had a black eye upon awakening during the past year?
  5. Do you envy people who can get into a conversation without getting into trouble?
  6. Have you had problems connected with your obnoxious mouth during the past year?
  7. Has your assholeness caused trouble at home?
  8. Do you tell yourself you can stop being an asshole any time you want to, even though you keep getting into fights when you don't mean to?
  9. Have you been kicked out of work or school because of your rude behavior?
  10. Have you been knocked out?
  11. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you weren't an asshole?
Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably an asshole. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in Assholes Anonymous have said so for many years. They found out the truth about themselves -- the hard way.

But again, only you can decide whether you think Assholes Anonymous is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped being knuckle-dragging loudmouths ourselves. Just call.

Shamelessly cribbed from http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/english/E_Pamphlets/P-3_d1.html
Perfection is not reached when nothing more can be added, but only when nothing more can be taken away.
Wisdom for short attention spans.

This story is POLITICALLY INCORRECT!! (2.00 / 1) (#28)
by pyramid termite on Thu Aug 30, 2001 at 08:17:32 AM EST

"Asshole" is an insensitive and bigoted term. I prefer "socially challenged" or "excrementally abled". Let's not piss off these poor oppressed people any more than they already are.
On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
Love thy neighbor | 29 comments (18 topical, 11 editorial, 0 hidden)
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