Kuro5hin.org: technology and culture, from the trenches
create account | help/FAQ | contact | links | search | IRC | site news
[ Everything | Diaries | Technology | Science | Culture | Politics | Media | News | Internet | Op-Ed | Fiction | Meta | MLP ]
We need your support: buy an ad | premium membership

The worst movies you've ever paid money for

By Adam Theo in Op-Ed
Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:26:46 AM EST
Tags: Movies (all tags)

I recently just saw Moonlight Mile since my best friend has gotten me into the whole "art flick" scene and she's been anticipating this movie for months now (she's a Jake Gyllenhaal fan for some odd reason :-) Well, in short, it sucked. For both of us. We left the movie in silence, myself remembering the $6 I had dished out to see it and thinking how such an utter waste that was. Then I began recalling all the other horrible movies I'd seen recently and became quite depressed.

This isn't an article about why the movies sucked, what we could do to make sure good movies get to our theatres, a simple poll on the worst movie, or even to talk about why others could be so stupid as to pay money to see this or that movie when it was obviously going to be horrible. This is simply asking for casual stories about the worst movies you've seen and paid for in the past few (4) years. Dig up those bad memories and share them. Something humourous, something depressing, something just plain lame, all are welcome here.

Sponsor: rusty
This space intentionally left blank
...because it's waiting for your ad. So why are you still reading this? Come on, get going. Read the story, and then get an ad. Alright stop it. I'm not going to say anything else. Now you're just being silly. STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'm done!
comments (24)
active | buy ad


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Do you ask for your money back after seeing a bad movie?
o Never. 57%
o Sometimes. 3%
o Usually. 0%
o Always! 2%
o My local theatre doesn't allow it. 17%
o Dude, I haven't been to a movie in years! 18%

Votes: 148
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Moonlight Mile
o Jake Gyllenhaal
o Also by Adam Theo

Display: Sort:
The worst movies you've ever paid money for | 507 comments (477 topical, 30 editorial, 0 hidden)
Mission to Mars (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by gauntlet on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 06:49:39 PM EST

When we got there, there were three guys in the seats behind us that were laughing through the opening footage. We told them to shut up. Evidently, they had seen it before, and were just anticipating. By the end of the movie, we apologized for having been rude to them.

Into Canadian Politics?

You made it through that crap. (none / 0) (#34)
by cdyer on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:03:43 PM EST

I was going to name the same movie. My friend and I left when they did the zero g dance scene. I think it's the only movie I ever walked out of. Ever.


[ Parent ]
I wanted to claw my eyes out (none / 0) (#39)
by moosh on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:37:58 PM EST

Our mate who suggested this has still not heard the end of it. To give an idea of how inappropriate his movie selection is, consider the following.

After a night of drinking a few of us were confronted by a dozen or so "toughs" and this friend ended up getting badly beaten. He was taken to the hospital and they gave him pain killers, also informing him that his bruised and battered face would need metal plates and screws to help piece it together.
The next day we went to visit him and he has rented a movie.. called "Bruiser". Bruiser is a movie about a man with no face, he wears plastic face masks, or something to that effect. It may be cruel, but we were in hysterics.

Needless to say this friend has been banned from choosing movies. Forever.

[ Parent ]

Sounds like Vanilla Sky (none / 0) (#70)
by gauntlet on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:34:52 AM EST

I never saw the "Vanilla Sky" remake version. I did see the original with Penelope Cruz, which I thought was good, if weird. Can't remember the title now.

Into Canadian Politics?
[ Parent ]

Original version (none / 0) (#83)
by doru on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:17:41 AM EST

Open your eyes, I guess.

I see Rusty's creation of Scoop as being as world changing an event as the fall of the Berlin wall. - Alan Crowe
[ Parent ]

Yeah, but in spanish (none / 0) (#178)
by gauntlet on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:11:35 PM EST

Abla los obos, or something like that.

Into Canadian Politics?
[ Parent ]

Abre los ojos {nt} (none / 0) (#310)
by flimflam on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:01:15 AM EST

-- I am always optimistic, but frankly there is no hope. --Hosni Mubarek
[ Parent ]
bruiser... (none / 0) (#143)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:06:29 AM EST

Is a recent film by George Romero (Dawn of the Dead, Martin). It's about a corporate drone who doesn't take charge of his life, until one day he wakes up without a face. Then he enacts vengeance on everyone who slighted him in his previous life.

An okay movie, too, until the end. The end was just terrible.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]

"Missao Marte" (none / 0) (#40)
by Riktov on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:49:15 PM EST

Not being much of a moviegoer, I'd also pick Mission from Mars by default - can't think of any other definitely bad movie in recent memory.

I watched it in Fortaleza, Brazil, at a huge old-fashioned theater which was probably once an opera house or something. The projector broke halfway through the show, and the sound quality was so awful that I actually understood more by reading the subtitles in Portuguese (which I am far from fluent in) than trying to decipher the English dialogue.

Let's see, the Tim Robbins character died, right? At least I hope he did.

[ Parent ]

I saw City of Angels on videotape once. (4.50 / 6) (#3)
by Captain_Tenille on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 06:58:54 PM EST

I didn't see it in the theater, nor did I pay for the rental, but I will never have those two hours back.

That, my friends, is the most expensive movie, in terms of pain, that I have paid to see.
/* You are not expected to understand this. */

Man Vs. Nature: The Road to Victory!

Amen (none / 0) (#25)
by chemista on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:43:22 PM EST

I actually saw this wretched thing in the theater. It was a group of people from my church (back before I quit), and we agreed to see "Primary Colors". A couple of ladies in the group did a bait-and-switch on us and we saw "City of Angels" instead.

It is difficult to imagine how a movie could be worse. And I have seen some really awful ones in the theater ("Batman and Robin", "Last Action Hero", even "Howard the Duck"!), so it's not just that I consistently see good stuff.

This was the first movie I'd ever seen where after ten minutes I could have literally written the entire plot of the movie in proper sequence. There was a bit of accidental humor, though. In one scene, the doctor's head was tilted to the side so it took up the entire movie screen. She supposedly was crying and a "tear" was resting on her nose. If you know anything about how water refracts, though, you could tell the drop wasn't water (bear in mind that it was blown up so much it covered a couple of square feet on the screen). I don't care if an actress can cry on cue, but they could have at least put a drop of water from a sink on it or something....
Stop reminding people about the overvalued stock market! I'm depending on that overvalued stock market to retire some day! - porkchop_d_clown
[ Parent ]

tears (none / 0) (#28)
by janra on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:51:41 PM EST

I hear they use glycerin, because it stays put better than water does for multiple takes

Discuss the art and craft of writing
That's the problem with world domination... Nobody is willing to wait for it anymore, work slowly towards it, drink more and enjoy the ride more.
[ Parent ]
Howard the Duck? (none / 0) (#90)
by jaymz168 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:38:07 AM EST

Possibly some of my favorite camp (semi-intentional or not)

[ Parent ]
Yes! (none / 0) (#117)
by wiredog on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:03:14 AM EST

So bad it was good.

More Math! Less Pr0n! K5 For K5ers!

[ Parent ]
Saw that one coming (5.00 / 1) (#72)
by KWillets on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:41:05 AM EST

American remakes of European films - bad.

American remakes of European films, set in LA - worse.  

I actually liked the German version.  I suspect that they do these remakes just to convince the American public that foreign films are bad.

[ Parent ]

Agreed (none / 0) (#255)
by hugues on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:50:56 PM EST

It's a conspiracy.

Breathless, the Godard version, is actually great (in a quaint sort of way - but Belmondo and Seberg are brilliant). Don't get me started on the Hollywood remake.

Roxane. How could they murder the classic `Cyrano de Bergerac' like that?

Even `3 men and a baby'. Straightforward humor, simple situation, nothing can go wrong. Go see the original sometime.

[ Parent ]

Seen it (none / 0) (#263)
by KWillets on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 02:10:18 AM EST

3 Men and a Baby - so obvious it doesn't bear mentioning.  In fact this film may have started my hatred of the Hollywood remake industry.  

Now they've gone and butchered Solaris.  

I'm waiting for them to tackle Mike Leigh, or Bertrand Tavernier.  

[ Parent ]

US Remakes (none / 0) (#294)
by yooden on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:22:59 AM EST

Besson's Nikita is one of the best action flicks ever. I quit the US remake two minutes in the movie, it was just intolerable.

I have yet to see a US remake coming anywhere near the European original, though good things are said about Insomnia.

[ Parent ]

LOTR (none / 0) (#350)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:27:32 PM EST

[ Parent ]
That's a Book (none / 0) (#368)
by yooden on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:34:54 PM EST

And no, that other movie doesn't count.

[ Parent ]
yes it does (none / 0) (#378)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:22:25 PM EST

and it sucked

[ Parent ]
No, it doesn't (none / 0) (#425)
by yooden on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:04:54 AM EST

I think animated films are a slightly different media type, so it would only in part be a remake.

It was also never completed, so it would only in part be a remake.

Third, it's an US movie according to the IMDb.

[ Parent ]

I know you are but what am I? (3.00 / 2) (#447)
by Subtillus on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 11:53:33 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Lets see (none / 0) (#7)
by cr8dle2grave on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 07:28:15 PM EST

The Age of Innocence: Whew, what a stinker! Stick with the gritty realism and tough guy anti-heros, Marty. The only positive thing I have to say about this film is that Scorsese had presence of mind to not even try to get a decent performance out of Winona Ryder and simply pared down her role to an absolute minimum.

Jackie Brown: Tarantino hits bottom here in his astonishingly rapid fall from brillance (Resevoir Dogs) to cliche ridden self parody.

Lost Highway: Ughh! Everything I absolutely hate about Lynch and none of the good stuff.

Wilde: Wow, Brian Gilbert managed to make a devastatingly boring film about one the more entertaining men in history. Quite an accomplishment.

Hmmm... I could go on. Maybe I'll pick up later if this story looks like it's going to post.

Unity of mankind means: No escape for anyone anywhere. - Milan Kundera

Lost Highway (spoiler) (4.00 / 1) (#26)
by localroger on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:45:59 PM EST

All "hard" Lynch movies are puzzles. Some are relatively easy (Blue Velvet: All the good guys are bad guys and vice versa) and some are hard (I still haven't figured out Mulholland Falls yet, but I'll keep watching it once in awhile until I do).

The secret to Lost Highway is that the entire movie is a semi-mad hallucination by the protagonist as he hurtles down the highway with no destination, having murdered his wife and her porn producer/pimp, knowing he has nowhere to go and his own life is really over. The key is this: Nothing on the screen is really happening except what happens on video. This is why the protagonist at one point says "I hate video;" what he hates is reality because, in his case, reality kinda sucks.

It's true that there was an unfortunate lack of nudity, S&M, superb acting, and other Lynchian staples in the movie, but it stands out as a self-supporting puzzle box which is totally impenetrable before you Get It and absolutely obvious afterward. Meanwhile, it looks like Mulholland Drive is muddled up with a lot of Hollywood insider shit that will make it a real pain to interpret without knowing a lot more than I do about other movies.

I can haz blog!
[ Parent ]

Mulholland Drive (none / 0) (#49)
by Adam Theo on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:48:29 PM EST

Uhg, that's another horrible movie I saw, but thankfully didn't have to pay for (except the time it took to watch it). Any movie where over half of it becomes irrelevant plot-wise by the end is a no-no.

I saw it with my best friend, who insisted I see it. Afterwards, just before I was about to claim she had the worst choice in movies ever, she admitted it was just to distribute the pain she felt when she watched it for the first time.

What a friend, huh? :-)

-- "A computer geek free-market socialist patriotic American Buddhist."
[ Parent ]

I think there's something else too... (none / 0) (#89)
by jaymz168 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:33:50 AM EST

IIRC, Lynch once said that Lost Highway is actually made from two different scripts thrown together. Apparently he was slacking on writing the script, and had it halfway done when the movie execs got tired of waiting and pressed him to start shooting. Not sure how true this is, it was a while back that I read this and I'm not sure what the source was, maybe I'll research it one of these days. Lynch is one of my favorite directors of all time, I think my favorite movie of his is Wild at Heart...or maybe Blue Velvet, I'm still not sure.

[ Parent ]
Jackie Brown (none / 0) (#138)
by treefrog on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:33:55 AM EST

Actually, I thought this was highly under-rated. Tarantino's early stuff wears off after a while, but this one is still good.

Twin fin swallowtail fish. You don't see many of those these days - rare as gold dust Customs officer to Treefrog
[ Parent ]

Lynch `hard' films are an acquired taste (none / 0) (#250)
by hugues on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:27:57 PM EST

There usually is a key to them however. An inverted perspective on something. What drives me nuts is the ominous soundtrack and the extreme violence sometimes. When I watch them for a second time and I know what to expect it's usually possible for the movie to make sense.

About Mulholland drive

I really liked this film, especially the performance of the lead blonde actress. She plays the same person in reality/fantasy land, but she plays them so differently that even though she looks the same in both roles I was convinced they were played by different actresses for a while.

This is not my own theory, but one that I've read somewhere (on salon.com I think): most of the movie, in particular the first 2/3rd is a fantasy. The blond girl as the not-so-successful actress (Betty?) did have her brunette lover killed by the inept hit-man after she had taunted her at the director's home party. She is expressing remorse during the masturbation scene, imagines what would have happened if the brunette miraculously escaped the hit and would just have lost her memory instead. The blonde would be free to return as a prettier, more talented actress who would seduce the brunette all over again. Alas this is just a fantasy, so the poor-actress blond girl kills herself given that the police is on her trail already and that her career is in tatters now.

There are diverse interpretations as to who the monster and the elderly couple really are.

On the DVD inner cover, Lynch gives a few clues that are consistent with this theory. Search Salon if you are interested and want more details.

[ Parent ]

Two words: (none / 0) (#8)
by zephc on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 07:43:35 PM EST

Battlefield Earth

This piece of Scientologist tripe was Travolta's wet dream to make, but audiences and critics alike hated it.

I really wish L. Ron had never been born. (Not like there aren't OTHER cults to take the place)

I should note that (none / 0) (#9)
by zephc on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 07:45:51 PM EST

while I've seen it, I didn't PAY A THEATER to see it, I saw it on HBO, so I did in a way pay for it (monthly cable bill), plus it robbed me of time in my life I will never get back.

[ Parent ]
While I did pay (none / 0) (#18)
by the on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:28:17 PM EST

I lost less time than you. Half way through I found that it I could both improve the quality of the movie and reduce time wasted by watching in fast-forward mode.

The Definite Article
[ Parent ]
Congo (none / 0) (#10)
by demi on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 07:57:02 PM EST

no contest. Even a Bruce Campbell cameo couldn't save it. Unlike Battlefield Earth, which is quite humorous and entertaining to watch with friends, Congo is much like a prostatectomy or a mastectomy - something that you will spend the rest of your life trying to hide from or forget once you have experienced it. Imagine Richard Lewis in a wifebeater with a hairnet, singing the falsetto accompaniment in act 4 of La Boheme, while taking it up the ass from Brent Spiner in the uniform from Judge Dredd, and that's pretty much the first 15 minutes.

What's most amazing, however, is that Renny Harlin did not direct this movie.

You have no taste (none / 0) (#37)
by Kalani on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:28:18 PM EST

Anything similar to something that involves Brent Spiner AND sodomy is either Oscar-worthy material or the Academy has been taken over by stuffy "we only like sodomy with Kenneth Branagh" academic types.

"Images containing sufficiently large skin-colored groups of possible limbs are reported as potentially containing naked people."
-- [ Parent ]
another strange thing (none / 0) (#42)
by demi on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:04:01 PM EST

Someone brought up Dungeons and Dragons... This movie did not have Brent Spiner in it, and Renny Harlin did not direct it. Yet it was an awful movie. Hmm. And as for Branagh's Hamlet, considering that size of the all-star cast, I'm sure Renny or Brent were on the set somewhere - it's the most reasonable explanation for how it turned out to be so abysmal.

[ Parent ]
You should (none / 0) (#218)
by medham on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:38:22 PM EST

Start a New Dictionary of Received Ideas from your various (and humorously) conventional opinions.

The real 'medham' has userid 6831.
[ Parent ]

I'll bet you poop a lot. (1.00 / 1) (#352)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:35:25 PM EST

[ Parent ]
RI (none / 0) (#411)
by demi on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:10:45 AM EST

Isn't that a dialect or somesuch?

[ Parent ]
Sigh... (none / 0) (#119)
by wiredog on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:09:36 AM EST

And it's such a good book, too. But many good to great books have been made into horrid movies.

More Math! Less Pr0n! K5 For K5ers!

[ Parent ]
Anything with Patrick Swayze (3.50 / 2) (#11)
by DesiredUsername on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 07:59:07 PM EST

Point Break was the breaking point for me. But I have to admit I stayed for the whole movie. I walked out of Dumb and Dumber and that's really saying something because I was only watching it to get out of the heat.

Play 囲碁
Net Force, without a doubt (none / 0) (#12)
by daniels on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:06:47 PM EST

It is the WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. I saw it with my family, and we *ALL* regretted it, as it was an absolutely atrocious movie. We all thought it had been 4 or so hours, but it wasn't even 2 hours! It just dragged on and on and on and on. Books were pretty good, but the movie was just shithouse, to the point where it's a running joke. Do NOT get it, ever.
somewhere in space, this may all be happening right now
Young Einstein... (none / 0) (#15)
by graal on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:20:34 PM EST

...followed by Videodrome.

For Thou hast commanded, and so it is, that every
inordinate affection should be its own punishment.
-- St. Augustine (Confessions, i)

The television screen... (none / 0) (#56)
by The Solitaire on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:23:36 PM EST

is the retina of the mind's eye.

That movie rocked. As does everything else Cronenberg has ever touched. Except Crash. That sucked.

I need a new sig.
[ Parent ]

Spiderman (4.28 / 7) (#17)
by godix on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:25:29 PM EST

  Without a doubt one of the worst hero movies I ever saw. I passed the time playing 'Guess which cliche they're going to use next'. I know four year olds who came out of that movie saying 'Damn, there wasn't a single thing in it that suprised me. I guessed EVERY plot point in the movie within 5 minutes of hearing the title'.
  I should have played 'Guess how much they spent on FX'. I swear I could make a more realistic looking spiderman with a yo-yo and paper doll.

Phenomena was pretty bad too (I think that's what it called, the one that sucks EVEN THOUGH John Travolta dies a slow death). It sucked so badly I couldn't even get up the willpower to MST3K it.

Lion King was pretty bad too. It did have some humor value because me and a friend spent the first half hour discussing how Simba's father should come back as an undead lich and kill the entire cast (this is what D&D does to your mind) so I can't say it's the worst I've ever seen though. The funniest part was when Simba and Scar were fighting with a default Win3.1 screensaver running in the background.

- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.

Spiderman tops my worst movie list (4.00 / 1) (#78)
by thenick on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:40:14 AM EST

Followed closely by Deuce Bigelo, Male Gigelo. At least I expected Deuce Bigelo to be stupid. My main complaint about Spiderman was that it took so long until the first big battle. A movie based on a comic book should have no more than fifteen minutes of character development before the first battle. I don't care if it follows the comic book exactly, I just want to see some action.

"Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler, he did a lot, but don't we all wish he would have stayed home and gotten stoned?" -Dex
[ Parent ]

You know some rather vulgar four-year-olds [n/t] (1.00 / 1) (#106)
by Koutetsu on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:30:14 AM EST

m(y) d.n.e. Me in terms of You does not exist.
[ Parent ]
Do you mean good bad movies or bad bad movies? (4.50 / 2) (#19)
by IHCOYC on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:28:29 PM EST

I enjoy bad movies --- not so much deliberately bad movies, as much as genre pictures that are low budget and over the top. I enjoy depression-era science fiction and superhero serials. I like Italian mythological muscleman pictures. I adore Hammer and AIP horror.

The worst recent movie experience I can recall was The Blair Witch Project. Now, I don't play first-person shooters; they make me seasick. Some of the goofy camera techniques in that film induced similar discomfort when viewed in the darkened room on a wide screen. It was in any case too clever again by half.

Enjoyably awful, on the other hand, was Dungeons and Dragons. Here the main amusement in the film was sceptical awe: how the filmmakers could have taken one of the most valuable properties in genre fiction and made such an awful movie from it. All they had, really, was the title, "Dungeons and Dragons," and slapped it on a generic Quest for the McGuffin fantasy. It seems the creators of Mordenkainen, of Greyhawk, of Elminster, and of Drizz't DoUrden are unwilling to trust their characters to the tender mercies of Hollywood. The result is that people bought the rights to the name, and then didn't really do anything with it. A good bad movie gives you something to talk about with your cynical friends who shared the experience.

Choke the last Santa with the guts of the last reindeer!

Blair Witch (none / 0) (#27)
by janra on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:49:48 PM EST

I'll admit that I don't play first-person shooters for the same reason as you, and a few spots in Blair Witch made me dizzy, but I thought Blair Witch was quite well done overall. They really had the knack of ratcheting up the tension a bit at a time... to the point where it caused me a bit of physical discomfort. See, I was sitting on the couch, my boyfriend on the floor in front of me. He had his arms over my legs. As the movie progressed, his grip on my knees got tighter and tighter until I poked him (making him jump a foot) and asked him to please loosen his grip. He did, and shortly thereafter his grip started tightening bit by bit again.

Discuss the art and craft of writing
That's the problem with world domination... Nobody is willing to wait for it anymore, work slowly towards it, drink more and enjoy the ride more.
[ Parent ]
My problem with Blair Witch (none / 0) (#93)
by Lord of the Wasteland on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:00:00 AM EST

The main problem I had with Blair Witch was that I didn't give a damn if the characters lived or died. I did feel the tension building up, but it made me just wish they were all dead already.

[ Parent ]
Hell, I just watched half an hour of it.. (none / 0) (#358)
by Cuchulainn on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:00:26 PM EST

if even that...

There was something about the lead actress' voice that just made me say "No" and give up really early...
If so don't worry about it, stuff you eat when you're drunk doesn't count, just like stuff you say and people you sleep with. - Parent ]

I was on a plane (none / 0) (#380)
by Lord of the Wasteland on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:26:36 PM EST

I still almost turned it off after the one dumbass threw the map away.

[ Parent ]
sickness in motion (none / 0) (#142)
by 6mute on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:56:01 AM EST

i do play first person shooters (with no ill effects) and blair witch still made me ill.

creating tension using motion sickness & sudden loud noises instead of plot & characterisation is a cheap shot.

[ Parent ]
Phantom Menace (none / 0) (#20)
by the on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:29:49 PM EST

Though I have AOTC on DVD (a freebie, I'm not that dumb) and I may change my opinion when I've watched it.

The Definite Article
ugh (4.00 / 1) (#111)
by Skwirl on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:28:49 AM EST

Eppy One deserves a special place on the bad movies list, if only because it managed to rewrite history and ruin the rest of the Star Wars series for me with the whole midi-chlorians BS.

Attack of the Clones had some incredibly dreadful dialogue, but I watched it in an OMNIMAX theater for the first time, so it was all good.

"Nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself." -- Herman Hesse
[ Parent ]

In bed with madonna (none / 0) (#21)
by Psycho Les on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:32:37 PM EST

I was in a marijuana stupor at the time, but that's no excuse.

Video game movies (3.50 / 2) (#22)
by Tatarigami on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:34:54 PM EST

Mortal Kombat Annihilation. And I'm one of those fools with no taste who actually liked the first movie.

That film was nothing but an extended series of cameos! Liu Kang, the 'greatest warrior in history' spent almost 100 minutes getting his ass handed to him by little girls and tinker toys! The main characters all experienced some kind of sudden, massive shift in personality to accommodate the theme of the movie! And for chrissakes, the heroes actually expected a child's love for her mother to be the factor which swung the battle in their direction!

Mortal Kombat (none / 0) (#54)
by spacejack on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:16:17 PM EST

Saw (part of) the first one. A friend and I decided to go for some reason, I really don't know why. About 5 minutes in, I knew it was a big mistake. I didn't mind wasting the money, but after about 10 minutes, I realized I'd be stuck there for 90-odd minutes, so I said to my buddy "I... can't... take... this..." and he said "Ok, ok, you're right, this is worse than I thought, we can leave. But I just want to hear Christopher Lambert say 'IT HAS BEGUN !!'". Thankfully, that happened shortly thereafter, he laughed, and then we split and went drinking instead.

[ Parent ]
Too Short (1.00 / 1) (#29)
by vile on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 08:57:47 PM EST

to hit FP. Possibly +1 section, but doubtful on that. Here's why. You haven't gone into the details of what you think of these movies. You haven't provided any links that are worth looking at. And, for all I know, this seems to be an ad for the Moonlight Mile.

But, barring my initial thoughts. Your story does have merit. 5 paragraphs longer explaining, perhaps, why movies truly suck ass today could help. Another 2 could, perhaps, explain, what we could do about it.

Or you could sum it up like this. Why bother. "what we could do to make sure good movies get to our theatres". Stop going.

The money is in the treatment, not the cure.
nah (none / 0) (#32)
by majik on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:00:45 PM EST

i thought it was fine. short and simple. gets the point across. and if you thought it read like an advertisement... you might want to look again.
Funky fried chickens - they're what's for dinner
[ Parent ]
I looked at it twice (none / 0) (#33)
by vile on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:02:58 PM EST

to make sure that my comment matched up. It does. It's short, simple and to the point.. for a diary entry. Possibly a section entry, which I doubt. But nothing more.

The money is in the treatment, not the cure.
[ Parent ]
The Queen of the Damned (5.00 / 1) (#36)
by j1mmy on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:13:13 PM EST

That one vampire movie with that dead singer chick. That was awful. I regret ever having left my hovel that day. I laughed my ass off when the credits started with "In memory of Aliyaah". I hope she enjoys her legacy. I sure didn't.

Battlefield Earth (4.42 / 7) (#38)
by Work on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 09:32:57 PM EST

Words cannot be said as how truly bad this steaming pile of scientologist shit is.

I saw it (none / 0) (#235)
by calimehtar on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:26:37 PM EST

with the full understanding of how insanely bad it was. Did you ever read the New York Time's review? It was brutal, shameless, over the top. I have never read a more negative, funnier review. NY Times, sadly, charges for older content so I won't be able to provide you with a link but maybe will help to put it into perspective. Battlefield did not fail to satisfy my appetite for a truly awful sci-fi flick.

[ Parent ]
Tease (5.00 / 1) (#451)
by Maurkov on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 01:48:53 PM EST

You can't lead in like that and then not supply a link (no charge). Yeah, that's a pretty thorough pan, but I'm used to getting my reviews from Mr. Cranky.


[ Parent ]
Jeepers Creepers (none / 0) (#41)
by el tito on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:00:37 PM EST

What a steaming pile of donkey shite!!
It´s almost a year since I saw that and I´m still thinking of breaking into the cinema where I saw that and taking my money back.Godamn!! Just thinking about it is making me mad again!
Oh and it seems they´ve decided to make a sequel...DAAAAAMN YOUUU Victor Salva for giving humankind this crap!!!

BTW it doesnt look like this story is going to make it so take it to your diary so we can vent some more..

I KNOW!!! (none / 0) (#354)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:43:48 PM EST

What's worse is that it got a rave review in the newspaper and so i figured it had the ptoential to be at least, adequate.

That was hands down the worst movie I have ever seen. It wasn't just stupid, I can handle stupid. It was so bad I walked out feeling mournful that those hours of my life were really gone and I could never get them back.

[ Parent ]

Dammit, I'd forgotten I'd ever seen that shit! (none / 0) (#483)
by bunsen on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 10:25:14 PM EST

That was on the campus cable movie channel some time last year, so I didn't pay a dime to see it. Even with the MST3K treatment from my roommate and myself it was absolutely unbearable. I'm still pissed about losing that hour and a half of my life.

Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
[ Parent ]
Die Another Day (4.00 / 1) (#43)
by thekim on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:05:21 PM EST

Just got back from it. The plot was bad and the dialogue, except a few witty comments from Bond, was horrible. But if you look at it as a comedy, it was a blockbuster. Somewhere in the second half of the film all the special effects and impossible machines and stunts just became to much. It turned into a hilarious, loud and weapons intensive comedy.

Definitely not worth the ~$9~ ticket price. But I wouldn't call it the worst movie I've ever seen.

Iie. Nandemonai.

I kind of liked it. (none / 0) (#321)
by Gully Foyle on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:52:05 AM EST

It's a real shame they made such a mess of the para-surfing bit though. It was a cool idea, but a really shitty sequence on screen.

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh
[ Parent ]

Yeah, incredibly bad done [nt] (none / 0) (#506)
by thekim on Sun Dec 08, 2002 at 11:45:16 AM EST

Iie. Nandemonai.
[ Parent ]
The Newton Boys (4.00 / 2) (#44)
by KilljoyAZ on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:13:31 PM EST

Saw it in college, when me and my friends were all drunk off our asses and it was STILL completely unwatchable. The moron who picked it out wasn't allowed to go back to the rental place unsupervised after that.

Creativitiy cannot be SPELT by over 98% of all American troops. - psychologist
A.I. (4.14 / 7) (#45)
by RareHeintz on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:15:29 PM EST

Oh my dear fucking Christ, what an awful movie. My wife is still mad at me for renting it, and this time I don't blame her.

Mostly it's the last 45-60 minutes, starting at the point where the Pinocchiobot was dug up by an alien archeology expedition. Not that it was all that great up to that point - I mean, the movie was really carried by the talking teddy bear (played by Teddy Ruxpin, who came out of retirement just for this role).

Once, maybe twice, I saw what Kubrick had in mind. The rest of the time I was dreaming up ways of punishing Spielberg for making me understand this feeling.

- B
http://www.bradheintz.com/ - updated kind of daily

Too many cooks (5.00 / 1) (#102)
by squigly on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:09:16 AM EST

Ummm... Alien archaeology?  Weren't they super advanced robots?

But anyway, it's ironic that two great directors were responsible for such a poor film.  Of course, it's also not surprising that it didn't work.  Kubrik and Spielberg are so different in style and approach.  

It would have been an adequate film if it had ended when the Pinocchiobot was in the sea, asking for his wish, but Spielberg had to try to give us a happy ending.  Still not great.  The beginning was just too sentimental.  The middle was enjoyable enough, but somewhat lacking.

[ Parent ]

Don't know exactly how to phrase this... (none / 0) (#247)
by Canar on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:02:28 PM EST

It wasn't complete without the ending. If the movie had ended there, there would have been no resolution to the movie's motivating force. The boy's drive had not yet been stopped, and he needed to know that "his mommy loved him", and be a real boy. I did not find the ending too sentimental. It was most certainly not a happy ending. The main issue is whether or not Spielberg did an adequate job of connecting you with David. He did in my case, and I sobbed uncontrollably for nearly thirty minutes. This is the only movie that's ever done that to me. Maybe I just intrinsically identify with robots or something. But David had only one goal, and that was to make his mommy love him. To be faced with a situation like he was, where there was only one day, for the rest of eternity wherein he could spend time with her... I must have identified with him as a character, as a person, not as a robot. Ack. And yet, we all know why he chose what he did. I couldn't help but feel an uncontrollable loss as that day drew to an end. And I cried like a baby. No movie has done that to me since, or after. Meh. Sorry if that was somewhat incoherent. But those are my feelings, and AI is one of my faves today, thanks to the fact that it really made me connect with both a character, and with emotion. That doesn't happen near enough in my experience.

[ Parent ]
I found it touching too <nt> (none / 0) (#355)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:46:32 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Agreed (none / 0) (#131)
by karolo on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:55:58 AM EST

Agreed, I already feared that Spielberg would screw it up, I can't understand Kubrik involving him in it in the first place, but the result was much, much, much worse than I could ever imagine.

[ Parent ]
Too many endings (n/t) (none / 0) (#168)
by jmzero on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:46:09 AM EST

"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]
Hmmm (1.00 / 1) (#356)
by Subtillus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:52:08 PM EST

I'm pretty sure they were supposed to be the ultimate product of the "social" evolution of technology. That is to say, the ultimate extension of how far technology can go when posessed of intelligence.

That they were somehow incomplete despite their obvious higher planes of consciousness makes for an interesting idea. What is it that fills the wanting inside us, love? If so, then why are we investing ourselves so heavily in the pursuit of knowledge?

That's the point of the whole movie, apperantly you missed it. Stupid.

[ Parent ]

The article needs more content. (4.50 / 2) (#47)
by HidingMyName on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:35:25 PM EST

Give some examples of movies you didn't like (maybe like a David Letterman Top 10 list) and why you didn't like them.

However, the topic is interesting, so I'll give my most hated movies, with awards in various categories:

  • Worst date movie (from my point of view) - Dangerous Liaisons . Watched it with a then girlfriend (pre wiife dating) as a rental. I had just driven 2 hours to see her, and passed out about 10 minutes into the movie. Dialog and plot went along the lines of:
    • See Beautiful young girl walking around court, mens' heads are turning.
    • See jealous lady at the court observing this.
    • See jealous B**ch approach a guy saying "If only some scoundrel would sully the reputation of this young maiden, I would surely reward him."
    • Man replies, "I am such a scoundrel"
    • Me "zzzzz" (Major snoring)
    I got some serious complaints over that, so the next night I foolishly offerred to watch it with her (I figured I was well rested at least), only got 5 minutes into it and crashed again. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I can stay awake through the introductory sequence. I've not tried since.
  • Worst movie seen in a theatre - The Scarlet Letter - Pathetic acting, pathetic screen play, and well over 2 hours (about 1 hour too long). Sadly, a classic story ruined by poor filming. All my friends and I groaned the whole way through.
  • Worst Rental (non-date) - Fantasy Mission Force (Mai nei dak gung dui ) I was trying to teach some of my friends about how Jackie Chan was entertaining, and drew this turkey. It was clearly labeled as having Jackie Chan on the box, and he has a very minor role in this movie. Furthermore, the movie utterly lacks coherence in the plot (at least in the English dubbed version) and the action is not very good.
  • Worst Movies Seen for Free - A tie! I've seen both Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (starring Pia Zadora as a child actress) and Horror on Party Beach , which are about a tie. Both are terribly cheesy movies, but can be construed as bordering on the so bad they are almost good camp.
Of the movies listed, I'd say Fantasy Mission force was by far the worst. I personally give Dangerous Liaisons a close second, however, that is strictly my opinion.

Starring.... (none / 0) (#53)
by The Solitaire on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:13:53 PM EST

I hate it when movies make you think that a actor you really like is in a starring role, then you find out that they're only in the movie for like 5 minutes. Case in point: I rented a copy of Cyborg 3: The Recycler, even though I was sure that it was going to suck, and suck bad, only because Malcolm McDowell was written in big huge letters across the front.

To make a long story short, he was dead in about the first 10 minutes (after appearing for about 3 minutes). I watched the rest of the movie on fast-forward hoping that maybe they'd resurrect his character. They didn't.

HA! I just noticed now that it also had Kato Kaelin in it... playing a begger, no less. It must be a quality film. :)

I need a new sig.
[ Parent ]

Dangerous Liaisons? (5.00 / 1) (#73)
by rantweasel on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:02:08 AM EST

With John Malkovich and Glenn Close and Michelle Pfeifer Uma Thurman and Keanu Reeves?  Give that one another shot!  Not with a date/spouse or after fighting with date/spouse, though.  It's really a good movie.


[ Parent ]

It's probably just me (none / 0) (#134)
by HidingMyName on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:00:20 AM EST

Dangerous Liaisons is probably a good movie in most people's eyes, in fact the cast is good and the reviews are also good. I just could not stay awake for the opening sequence. Maybe if it comes on cable, I'll try again.

[ Parent ]
Ghost World (1.00 / 1) (#48)
by aziegler on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:44:12 PM EST


Absolute worst piece of film I've ever seen. Worse than that stupid movie that Denzel won is Oscar for last year, and worse than AI by far.


Are you on drugs, boy? (none / 0) (#66)
by evilpenguin on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:19:01 AM EST

Anything starring Thora Birch is most certainly worth my time.

The movie was pretty good too.  I related to Seymour, with the obvious exception that I'm not doin' Ms. Birch... and that makes me sad.  I mean... damn.  If there was one actress I could...

Ah, nevermind.
# nohup cat /dev/dsp > /dev/hda & killall -9 getty
[ Parent ]

He's completely out of his mind. (none / 0) (#74)
by Ni on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:12:05 AM EST

Ghost World was one of the best movies of 2001. I suspect we have a crack-smoker in our midst.

<MisterQueue> I'm the fucking picasso of urine
[ Parent ]
Not so Fast (none / 0) (#148)
by Happy Monkey on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:22:52 AM EST

Anything starring Thora Birch is most certainly worth my time.

Are you including "Dungeons and Dragons"?
Length 17, Width 3
[ Parent ]
No (none / 0) (#118)
by DeadBaby on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:05:19 AM EST

Ghost World was a great movie. Even better than Crumb I think.
"Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us." - Carl Sagan
[ Parent ]
well (3.66 / 3) (#126)
by tetsuwan on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:41:29 AM EST

Maybe you should consider not watching movies lacking the magic three, that is ass, titties and explosions, on the posters. Hopefully, this will keep you out of trouble.

Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance
[ Parent ]

I've managed to avoid bad movies (none / 0) (#50)
by danny on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 10:53:03 PM EST

Going through my film diary, I find only one film I gave a rating under **. That was Atlantis.

[900 book reviews and other stuff]

Hands Down (4.00 / 4) (#52)
by The Solitaire on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:02:14 PM EST

Battlefield Earth... oh wait.. I had a free pass for that. Still want my 2 hours back, though. So it'd have to be Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Doh. That was a gift. A sick, twisted gift, but a gift all the same. Crap. Even my third choice was a freebie - Starcrash.

GOT IT!! Highlander 2: The Quickening. Aliens from the planet Zeiss my ass. What a certifiable hunk of crap.

I need a new sig.

My own bottom three (none / 0) (#55)
by unDees on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:23:02 PM EST

If this were an editorial comment, I'd tell you I'm voting +1FP. But that will have to remain a secret. Anyway, here are the worst movies of all time....

3. Dancer in the Dark. The director wanted it to be absolutely clear who made this ahhhhhrtistic "statement," which is why the letters "Lars von Trier" are much larger than the movie title during the opening credits. And we're subjected to nearly two and a half HOURS of Bjork's "singing." The movie makes the three-worst list because the idea of a musical-obsessed, caring mom slowly dropping into madness could have been made into a good film, but was sadly butchered by all involved.

2. All the Vermeers in New York opens with about ten minutes of someone carring a video camera pointed directly at the ground and walking nowhere fun, and those are the most interesting ten minutes of the entire movie!

1. Worst movie ever: Author! Author! Al Pacino. Comedy. Comedy. Al Pacino. *shudder* One of the few movies I've ever walked out of.

Your account balance is $0.02; to continue receiving our quality opinions, please remit payment as soon as possible.

Good lord man (none / 0) (#82)
by driph on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:09:22 AM EST

Dancer in the Dark as one of the worst movies of all time? Damn. I bet you didn't even cry, you heartless fuck. :]

Granted, if you're neither a Bjork nor a Trier fan, I could see why you might not like the movie. But still.. the worst of all time? Offhand question.. what then, would you consider the best movies?

Vegas isn't a liberal stronghold. It's the place where the rich and powerful gamble away their company's pension fund and strangle call girls in their hotel rooms. - Psycho Dave
[ Parent ]

The good and the bad (I guess I'm the ugly :) (none / 0) (#189)
by unDees on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:04:36 PM EST

Dancer in the Dark could have been such a good film. I wanted to like it. I tried to like it. The idea of environmental sounds seguing into imaginary music is very appealing and very artsy-fartsy and in general right up my alley. I felt the story was stifled and static--told painfully slowly, as if I were meant to be soaking up lots of detail from a string of scenes painfully lacking in memorable detail.

I thought, "Well, Bjork's not my favorite, but let's see what she can do." It was awful. Every time some ambient sound started to repeat itself (the train tracks, the factory, the air conditioner), I found myself thinking, "No, No, NOOOO, please not another terrible song!!!" I couldn't even listen to much of the one in the courtroom near the end--I had to fast-forward it.

Now, the shriek at the end of the picture was agonizing and heartfelt, and that's part of why the film is "only" at number three on my list. If the story up until then hadn't been told so hamhandedly, the picture may indeed have been worth tears. Even the abysmal storytelling couldn't stop the final scene from tugging at my heartstrings a little. But it was too little and too late.

That sense of betrayal of my (nearly) two and a half hours, the rental fee, and my expectations, is what pushed this movie onto my "worst three" list (only at number three, by the way, not strictly the worst).

I won't give you my top three list of best pictures (mainly because I'm not prepared to), but my favorite movie of all time is Real Genius. I won't lay any claims to the titular mental abilities, but the film is a great reminder to anyone growing up goofy not to take seriously anything done or said by anyone else.

Your account balance is $0.02; to continue receiving our quality opinions, please remit payment as soon as possible.
[ Parent ]

If you want a Pacino comedy, rent "Scarface&q (none / 0) (#236)
by Conspir8or on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:31:34 PM EST

[ Parent ]
I have some buddies who win this. (4.25 / 4) (#57)
by Canthros on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:26:29 PM EST

I wisely abstained, but they went to see "Freddy Got Fingered" in the theatre. It had Tom Green in it. Starring.

The response, any time the movie has benn mentioned in any of their presences, has been "CAN'T WASH OFF STINK OF MOVIE."

It's now obvious you are either A) Gay or B) Female, or possibly both.

Indeed (4.00 / 1) (#61)
by Sven on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:48:45 PM EST

I saw the first 13 minutes of this on DVD. Never before had I given up on a movie so quickly. I hope I'm never reminded of it again. At least I didn't pay for it.

harshbutfair - you know it makes sense
[ Parent ]
Cowards, all of you (none / 0) (#77)
by sigwinch on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:39:33 AM EST

I saw the first 13 minutes of [Freddy Got Fingered] on DVD. Never before had I given up on a movie so quickly.
What's the big deal? FGF was funny, albeit in a juvenile way, and not especially tasteless.

Go get your tastelessness detector recalibrated: rent Pink Flamingos. The scene where a chicken is killed whilst being used as an instrument of violent sex is truly tasteless.

I don't want the world, I just want your half.
[ Parent ]

Tasteless, yes (none / 0) (#133)
by minusp on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:59:53 AM EST

Stupid, no. Hey, anything directed by John Waters is worth a look at, if not always after eating...
Remember, regime change begins at home.
[ Parent ]
Waterworld (3.40 / 5) (#58)
by Anatta on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:29:38 PM EST

Waterworld is definitely the worst movie I've seen in a theater. Fortuantely, I was wise enough to skip Battlefield Earth, which I've heard is even worse.
My Music
Waterworld was a gorgeous movie... (none / 0) (#62)
by DominantParadigm on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:49:19 PM EST

Remember the scene where the plane is attached to an anchor and is flying around the boat? Wasn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

That is Movie Magic, my friend.

Caller:So you're advocating bombing innocent children? Howard Stern:Yes, of course!

[ Parent ]
Except that... (none / 0) (#162)
by b1t r0t on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:34:37 AM EST

Gorgeous movies are often bad movies. No amount of eye candy can make up for the lack of a good plot.

-- Indymedia: the fanfiction.net of journalism.
[ Parent ]
Ugh, I know! (none / 0) (#63)
by mikromouse on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:53:35 PM EST

Waterworld, and The Postman definetly get my votes for worst movies. I mean, where did Kevin Costner go wrong. I thought the man with webbed-feet had a chance.
"Are you able to condense fact from the vapor of nuance?"
[ Parent ]
The Postman keeps it in the family (none / 0) (#120)
by Rogerborg on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:12:39 AM EST

Ahhh, the Postman, the film of the book of the idea stolen from a minor Larry Niven/Jerry Pournelle subplot.  Hey kids, authority is cool!  Uniforms are neat.  Don't actually work towards rebuilding society, just ride around like a big ol' parasite with a stolen badge.  Always salute your elders, and remember, fraudulently usurping the powers of an elected government is OK as long as it's well meant.

It's also the film in which Kevin Costner directs his 13 year old daughter to attempt to seduce him.  That's class, Kevin, real class.

"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Eeewww, you made me remember Waterworld - [nt] (none / 0) (#132)
by minusp on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:56:24 AM EST

Remember, regime change begins at home.
[ Parent ]
More bad movies (4.00 / 3) (#60)
by Sven on Tue Nov 26, 2002 at 11:43:03 PM EST

Other people have already mentioned Battlefield Earth, Blair Witch Project, which were memorably bad. A.I. as well, they could have made it so much better just by killing off the annoying kid.

The one I got in trouble for recently was The Transporter, that was far worse than I expected it to be. I still owe my girlfriend one for making her see that. I'll probably have to go to a Dance Sport Spectacular or something like that.

It's difficult to remember some of the others, I think I've tried to erase them from my memory. Or perhaps they were just so boring there's nothing memorable about them. Movies like The Beach, The Astronaut's Wife, Mission to Mars, and Traffic. Then there are some that I can remember, even though I would rather not. Guest House Paradiso was one of these. As much as I enjoy Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson on TV, I hope that they are never given another opportunity to make a movie, just on the slight possibility that it could be as bad as this one. The fact that I can still remember it after three years indicates how bad it must have been.

Ooh, how about Dr Zhivago. Back in year 10 we watched that at the end of the year. It took a whole week, but we never got to the end. I don't know that it even has a conclusion. It was so boring that one of my friends managed to fall asleep while sitting upright on a desk. And the worst thing is that I can still remember the horrible music that they played repeatedly through the whole movie - just the same tune repeated hour after hour. Aarrggghh! The pain! After eight years I should be allowed to forget!

harshbutfair - you know it makes sense

Mission to Mars (none / 0) (#76)
by weirdling on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:38:21 AM EST

Seldom do I go to movies but I wanted to see that one because I was on a serious 'Mars could be reached in our lifespan' kick.  It royally blew.  The one guy who defied physics in order to die like a hero (if he'd just stayed put, he'd hav intersected the other's orbit in about three hours, which he could have survived) and plummeted down into an atmosphere using sheer willpower combined with the obviously contrived explosion, as if the thing were running hypergolic fuel, although they said it was a NASA reference mission or LOX/LH rocket, which most certainly would not have exploded into a fireball if its lines had been punctured, as it takes a heck of a lot more heat than that to set it off in space.  Then, of course, the NASA reference mission involves an atmospheric capture on both ends because a chemical system can't make it there any other way, so firing the main rocket in Mars orbit would actually not be possible.

I won't even go into the white room.  That was just too dumb for words.

Yes, I know I over-analyse, but they said it was about a Mars mission and that it was realistic...

I'm not doing this again; last time no one believed it.
[ Parent ]

Dude, Where's My Car? (3.60 / 5) (#64)
by evilpenguin on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:09:29 AM EST

OK, so I used to be a stoner, as did many of my friends.  It was a phase.

A few years after that, this movie comes out -- "Dude, Where's My Car?".  The few in my circle of friends who were still stoners at the time wanted to see this, and we really had nothing better to do, so why not?

I imagine taking a cheese grater to my testicles would be downright fun in comparison.  I walked out of the theater feeling as if my IQ was just brought down by as many minutes I sat staring at the screen.  It was just so bad, I refuse to even muster a memory of the plot, as it will probably cause me to lose sleep tonight.  Without a doubt, the worst peice of corn-laced bloody excrement printed on projector film.

I know I've seen other bad movies, but I can't even think of them now.

# nohup cat /dev/dsp > /dev/hda & killall -9 getty

This sounds like something for slashdot (3.66 / 6) (#67)
by jdrake on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:22:50 AM EST

I have been reading slashdot for a few years and just started reading this site. This site is a breath of fresh air with comments and articles that actually have content and insight. This entire 'article' sounds like something that I would see on an 'Ask Slashdot', but even they would reject it (they reject most things, if it is something where IANAL is the common response then they might post it).
- If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is around, is there any sound?
- If the universe is created, and nobody is around, is there any bang?

Stop Whining ! (3.50 / 2) (#85)
by kaltan on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:54:46 AM EST

Let the mod stuff do its work, if you were familiar with k5 for a longer time, you wouldn't have worried a second.

[ Parent ]
Newsflash! (5.00 / 3) (#94)
by Ranieri on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:00:45 AM EST

Here we have Editorial comments.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
Some bad ones (3.00 / 2) (#68)
by etherdeath on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:24:10 AM EST

15 Minutes
Training Day
Time Machine
The 6th Day

Some that are really pathetic considering how much talent, money and hype were put into them :

Minority Report
Planet of the Apes
Mission Impossible 2
Red Dragon
The Sum of All Fears

I agree with all these except... (none / 0) (#150)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:29:22 AM EST

Training Day. I liked that one. I thought it was going to be a standard "cop buddy movie", and was pleasantly suprised that it was definitely not. Of course, I didn't really know anything about it going in...
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
Expectations have a lot to do with it (none / 0) (#212)
by etherdeath on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:12:15 PM EST

Mostly, I didn't find the characters realistic or interesting.  Nor the story believable; but I do like sci-fi and far fetched stories.  I expected an edgy film, and that's not necessarily a plus for me.  I thought it was edgy, in a forced way.

I saw Battlefield Earth a few months ago, and I liked that.  Probably because I was expecting the worst.

[ Parent ]

In all fairness... (none / 0) (#467)
by dreamquick on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 07:32:44 AM EST

The 6th Day was pretty good for an Schwartzenegger movie, yes it was predictable, and yes it was cliched but...what do you expect, after all he is old people now :)

If you watched it expecting to see a normal Schwartzenegger movie you would have been surprised, if you expected to see the concept of the film done well and maturely then you would be disappointed...

Minority Report & Mission Impossible 2 have the same problem in that they run foul of the cult of Cruise - he gets what he wants since he's the star.  You think people would have learnt after he produced the god-awful MI2, the film which featured him in every scene...

Personally I liked Hannibal (maybe it was my ginger chick fetish) as it had enough surprises in store at the end, but you are right that Red Dragon sucked ass...

It was too predictable, too dull, and although it tried to do "depth of character" on the killer it just didn't work - I'd say their biggest problem was that Lector wasn't scary, merely camp - he's supposed to be some twisted genious for crying out loud!  Having the cinema audience laughing out loud at his lines doesn't help make him scary...

- Tony

/* #include <comedy_sig.h> */
[ Parent ]
Good points... (none / 0) (#482)
by etherdeath on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 09:48:31 PM EST

I was expecting a Schwartzenegger movie.. but I really didn't like the 6th day.  End of Days was more of what I was expecting out of a Schwarz film.

I don't really have anything good or bad to say about Cruise.  I did like the first MI1.  What you say sounds right though, because MI2 seemed to be more posing and posturing than action and suspense, which is what I went in looking for.

I'm curious, did you like anything about Red Dragon?

[ Parent ]

Red Dragon... (none / 0) (#501)
by dreamquick on Wed Dec 04, 2002 at 10:49:48 AM EST

About the film... not really, although I was watching it with a couple of female students and their hiding-behind-their-jumpers routine was funny...

In terms of suspense and horror I actually found "after 28 days" far more disturbing and jumpy.  Although it got tedious towards the end the last few twists left brought my attention back after 10 minutes or so of "Oh I know how this ends!" were totally shattered.

- Tony

/* #include <comedy_sig.h> */
[ Parent ]
Jurassic Park (5.00 / 2) (#69)
by KWillets on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:30:14 AM EST

I don't know why, but this thing immediately rubbed me the wrong way.  Jeff Goldblum as a scientist, lots of plot irregularities, and the same 2-3 "facts" taken from some paleontology book repeated over and over.  "They only see movement...they only see movement...here's a scene where the dinosaur is looking at someone who has a choice of moving or not moving...let's repeat that again...do they see movement?...wait, there's a guy in the back who doesn't get it...

I theorize that Spielberg made "Schindler's List" just to atone for this toy-catalog garbage.  I can see making a movie where the plot is secondary, but making the plot a stinking piece of excrement is another.

I would have more recent submissions, but I haven't seen a Spielberg movie since.

Well, then- (none / 0) (#129)
by minusp on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:52:40 AM EST

It's obvious that you didn't see the sequel, then. Any good ideas (I'm being kind) for the story line were well used up in the original, so JP2 really didn't have a chance. But they did it anyway...
Remember, regime change begins at home.
[ Parent ]
JP3 (5.00 / 1) (#161)
by b1t r0t on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:30:41 AM EST

At least the sins of JP2 were made up for by JP3. JP3 was a great BOFH story, with lusers (most of the people that had to be rescued), power-lusers (the original rescuers), PHBs (the people who sent in the rescuers), HR (the dinos) and everything.

-- Indymedia: the fanfiction.net of journalism.
[ Parent ]
Jurassic Park *did* have a story (4.00 / 1) (#257)
by whatwasthatagain on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:54:51 PM EST

In the book, that is. Do yourself a favor -- read Michael Crichton's original. Much as I admire the movie for the special effects, Spielberg did more than decimate the story.

With profound apologies to whomsoever this sig originally belonged.
[ Parent ]

I knew it was Crichton going in (none / 0) (#264)
by KWillets on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 02:28:29 AM EST

But the critics claimed it was still a great film.  I imagined that somehow he had succeeded in pulling a compelling story out of the formulaic dreck that it was destined to be.

Drop half the characters, add a coherent story line, some suspense, and stop saying "Look Ma, I gots a computer" in every scene, and it might be a decent TV movie.  

[ Parent ]

The topper (4.20 / 5) (#71)
by Tatarigami on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:38:45 AM EST

Forget my previous comment, I've just rediscovered the worst movie in the history of bad things: the one I was in.

It was made by a friend and his flatmate to showcase their 3D rendering and animation skills... I got one line ("Sir, you're wanted on the vidcom!") standing on a bucket against a white sheet background, wearing a pair of Air Force overalls two sizes too small, and a paintball pistol with a broken safety which I later discovered had been loaded the entire time.

On reflection, white was a bad colour for our blue screen filming. At times it appears that you can see through my head, because my teeth are invisible.

The only one of our 'actors' who got a close-up was the guy suffering some kind of allergic reaction that week, and his irritated red skin really showed up well against the grey CGI background.

And the starship destroyed by the evil aliens looked too much like a musical instrument to believe co-incidence had anything to do with it.

The only movie I ever walked out on (3.00 / 1) (#75)
by jethro on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:16:48 AM EST

I've only walked out on a movie once - it was the Eddie Murphy remake of "The Nutty Professor". During intermission me and one of the guys I was watching it with looked at each other, I said "Wanna just leave?" he said "Yeah" and we were outta there.

Granted, I didn't watch Battlefield Earth. I'm also not counting anything I didn't directly pay to see.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kinky.

Intermission? (nt) (none / 0) (#206)
by ODiV on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:38:42 PM EST

[ odiv.net ]
[ Parent ]
Yeah, intermission (none / 0) (#286)
by jethro on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:11:52 AM EST

This was not in the US, where I've yet to experience  an intermission. Usuallly sucked because they'd skip a bit when they resumed.

Gave you a chance to go to the bathroom and buy more overpriced popcorn!

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kinky.
[ Parent ]

let's see... (3.50 / 2) (#79)
by sesquiped on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:40:36 AM EST

To name a few off the top of my head: Tomb Raider, Road Trip, The Skulls, the Final Fantasy movie, Waking Life, ...

I guess that's all I can think of now. I've seen worse movies, of course, but those I actually paid for.

Waking Life (none / 0) (#81)
by lonesmurf on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:52:46 AM EST

I'm actually very surprised that you didn't like waking life. I thought the animation was pretty cool, the format original even if the actual idea wasn't. And some of those segments were absolutely one of a kind. Like the one with the two guys at a bar and they turn into clouds. I dunno, I guess there's no accounting for taste. Mine or yours. :)

I'd have to put my vote with Mortal Kombat 2. It is the only movie I've ever paid for (like $8, too) and walked out of halfway through. I still shudder.


I am not a jolly man. Remove the mirth from my email to send.

[ Parent ]
waking life (none / 0) (#220)
by sesquiped on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:20:34 PM EST

It's not that I didn't enjoy it; I did. I found some of the scenes very funny (esp. the movie theatre one with the director), and some entertaining in other ways. Most were visually impressive, but then again, so was the FF movie. Most scenes were pretty boring, though, and the pseudo-philosophical "content" was rather trite, as was the "plot twist".

Overall, I just wasn't satisfied at the end of it for some reason. Maybe it was the ending. Or maybe it was intended to produce that effect. I did consider that the feeling of discomfort I had during some scenes was intentional, that they were trying to make me feel how the main character was feeling, trapped, not sure if he's awake or asleep.

[ Parent ]

Worst movie (none / 0) (#80)
by sigwinch on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:48:23 AM EST

Doom Asylum.

Possibly the most sub-moronic (and I use that term in the clinical sense) attempt at a B slasher movie that has ever been made. The directing, acting, and script are so poor that they surpass laughable and make even the most charitable veteran B-fan feel embarrassed for them. The supreme pinnacle of the movie is an actress baring her titties and jiggling her chest for a couple of seconds. Naturally she does this for no apparent reason. It just going along and BANG! she whips them out, and before you can really warm up to it they are imprisoned once more.

One of the comments on IMDB: "The longest 90 minutes since Pink Flamingos."

I don't want the world, I just want your half.

The Navigator: A Mediaeval Odyssey (5.00 / 2) (#84)
by omegadan on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:33:20 AM EST

My uncle gave me a copy of this movie purchasing it at a swap meet in a "box of VHS tapes."

After watching it, I *still* felt ripped off. I want two hours of my life back. That time would have been better spent sleeping, peeing, waiting at the doctors office, eating rats, getting an anal probe, joining a space cult, ANYTHING would have been less painfull and a better use of my time. I hate this movie with a passion.

What's more puzzling is, the sparkling reviews on IMDB (the only reason I watched it at all) which I can only attribute to a few hardcore fans who also happen to be complete retards.

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley

Oh man (none / 0) (#99)
by Holloway on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:19:01 AM EST

They used to leave us unattended in class with that fucking movie going.

I can still hear the accents...

== Human's wear pants, if they don't wear pants they stand out in a crowd. But if a monkey didn't wear pants it would be anonymous

[ Parent ]

Us too. (none / 0) (#125)
by lucius on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:27:49 AM EST

Maybe it's an antipodean thing.

[ Parent ]
WTF? (none / 0) (#291)
by TheophileEscargot on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:33:11 AM EST

That was a great movie. Absolute classic.
Support the nascent Mad Open Science movement... when we talk about "hundreds of eyeballs," we really mean it. Lagged2Death
[ Parent ]
You must be kidding (none / 0) (#334)
by baba on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:24:36 PM EST

Navigator? This movie has to be one of the most remarkable movies I've ever seen. It successfully combines midieval fantasy, religion, and science fiction themes, not to mention a heavy load of social commentary. I'll just assume you're joking.

[ Parent ]
Sorry... (none / 0) (#335)
by baba on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:27:13 PM EST

Reply comment was meant to be directed at parent.

[ Parent ]
'Up Against Amanda' (none / 0) (#86)
by Typo Negitive on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:05:09 AM EST

I can't for the life of me remember how I ended up seeing 'Up Against Amanda', but I did, and it was really, really, REALLY bad...

- Sig -

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.

- Oscar Wilde cannot be held responsible

Battlefield Earth (4.00 / 1) (#87)
by Quila on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:15:02 AM EST

I like the book. Now I know not to expect too much from the movie versions of books, but this was horrible garbage. That was two hours of my life gone, not just money spent.

Given that it was made by Scientologists, you'd think they would at least try to do well by L. Ron Hubbard, but no, they destroyed his book. And I felt really sorry to see Forrest Whitaker in it.

Then there's The Wild World of Batwoman, which I couldn't sit through even with the MST3K treatment.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (3.80 / 5) (#91)
by ti dave on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:46:22 AM EST

There. I said it.
The Emperor wears no clothes.

An absolutely un-funny movie and cannot hold a candle to its' predecessors.

"If you dial," Iran said, eyes open and watching, "for greater venom, then I'll dial the same."

Yep (none / 0) (#115)
by DeadBaby on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:59:43 AM EST

Terrible movie. Dogma was pretty bad too.
"Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us." - Carl Sagan
[ Parent ]
and the worst thing was (none / 0) (#256)
by squinky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:52:09 PM EST

throughout the movie they were saying stuff like, "ha ha, fuck you, this movie sucks and you paid for it".


Though that is kinda funny, just at our expense.

[ Parent ]

LA Confidential.. (none / 0) (#92)
by ajduk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:54:47 AM EST

We walked out and went to the pub after about an hour and a half of nothing much happening.

Too bad. (none / 0) (#114)
by claudius on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:04:47 AM EST

I rather liked this film, but then again, I only paid two bucks at the video store in order to see it.  At least to me, video rental standards are considerably lower than my "shell out $9 for each of us, drop $35 on a sitter, another $5 on parking, $10 at the coffee shop afterwards, blow an entire evening out of our overworked schedules" standards.  Even Lord of the Rings sucks when you apply the latter set of criteria.

[ Parent ]
Nothing much happening? (none / 0) (#149)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:25:21 AM EST

In the first two minutes Russell Crowe beats the hell out of a wife beater, in the first ten minutes there is a riot in a police station. Less than an hour in there is a big shoot out/chase through an apartment complex...

Not to mention this is all interspersed with Russell Crowe beating more people and Kim Basinger sleeping with various characters...

I dunno, I liked this one. The book was much better, but unfilmable except maybe as an HBO miniseries.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]

Was it too hard to understand? (none / 0) (#246)
by hugues on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:56:39 PM EST

I mean this seriously, I had to rent the DVD to understand the dialog.

When I did pay attention there is actually an interesting story in there.

[ Parent ]

gosh, i thought (none / 0) (#282)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:41:26 AM EST

that this is one of THE best movies i've seen ever, ever. it's definitely on my list of top 100 films... best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
clumsy emotion movies (4.70 / 10) (#95)
by tichy on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:01:16 AM EST

Pay it forward takes the lead, closely followed by Patch Adams.

They're the type of movie that overuses the you-should-feel-emotional-now music, you almost can hear the directory screaming in your ear, "CRY, MOTHERF*CKER, CRY!". The plots are so predictable and carried in such an expected manner that the only way to put up with it was to joke about it with my brother as we watched.

Pay it forward takes the lead because when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the kid dies! Totally unnecessarily, for no real reason, out of the blue! At that point I was laughing my ass out, cause it was either that or start throwing things at the screen.

I can stand boring experimental movies, badly done movies of a good idea, cheap B grade movies, etc, but Hollywood artifacts clumsily designed to make you cry are the worse in my book.

another such movie (5.00 / 1) (#207)
by infinitera on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:44:38 PM EST

AI. Specifically, the part where he becomes an obsessive psycho in his quest for mommy's love; most regular folk cry on cue. I was disturbed, to say the least.

[ Parent ]
Yes (none / 0) (#311)
by flimflam on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:08:09 AM EST

I completely agree. I hate to rag on movies that take risks but fail. But movies that are so transparently manipulative actually make me angry. I didn't see Patch Adams, but I had the misfortune of catching Pay It Forward on HBO and I really got angry that someone would actually aprove a script like that.

I'd happily sit through any John Waters film before knowingly see something like that again.

-- I am always optimistic, but frankly there is no hope. --Hosni Mubarek
[ Parent ]

I can't believe no one mentioned this yet ... (4.55 / 9) (#96)
by Ranieri on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:03:26 AM EST


It's really difficult to suspend disbelief when they pull off scenes like the the one in the Russian space-station or the "gravity assist". The whole thing gets even worse when it descends into unadulterated Hollywood sentimentality.

On the other hand, Steve Buscemi's character was sort of entertaining, and it had Liv Tyler in it...
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!

Stupid, stupid. (5.00 / 1) (#101)
by tkatchev on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:51:11 AM EST

Armageddon was a great movie.

It was a very subtle, funny and gentle comedy. I didn't expect it from Hollywood.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Uh... (4.00 / 1) (#113)
by IEFBR14 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:57:19 AM EST


It was shite.

[ Parent ]

Dumbass. (none / 0) (#267)
by tkatchev on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:29:51 AM EST

It went right over your head, dude.

Don't worry though, there are plenty of other comedy movies that fit your style -- with plenty of farting, diarrhea pills and cliche humour.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Dipshit (none / 0) (#292)
by IEFBR14 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:06:25 AM EST

Actually, to slap down your assumptions about me, subtle stuff is much more to my taste, but I didn't see any of that in Armageddon.

I saw Armageddon on the third day of my stag night. We were pretty much sobered up and it was either go to the flicks or go home. So we went to the flicks and only one film was starting within the next hour, so we saw that. Sucked the joy out of us completely. Big, clunky, effects-heavy self-styled blockbuster. Ugh. It makes my flesh creep just typing the words. It lacked charisma, frankly: some films involve you, suspend your belief for you, make you like them. This one didn't come close. Piss-poor.

I'm not suggesting it's the worst film I've ever seen, not by a long way, but it is by far the least I've ever enjoyed a film I paid for.

However, you insist that it has knowing, subtle comedy worked deep within it, and in the spirit of concilliation, I'll make an offer to you, tkatchev. I enjoyed the knowing, subtle, piss-taking nature of cheesy blockbuster Starship Troopers, and as you claim this piece of shit cinematographic masterpiece has similar merits, I'll watch it again.

Not that I'm going to pay good money so to do, I've made that mistake once already. Christmas is coming, and it's bound to be on. So, assuming I'm not doing anything more interesting, I'll dump my arse in front of the telly and open my mind to it.

And if I'm not completely satisfied? You can pay me for my time.

Oh, and go easy on the name-calling, dude.

[ Parent ]

It's your problem, really... (none / 0) (#293)
by tkatchev on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:14:09 AM EST

...if you didn't see any subtlety in Armageddon.

It's definitely there, though. Not in a "funny haha look at how intelligent I am" sort of style, though; more of a gentle, tongue-in-cheek stylization of "social realism". (Think Norman Rockwell or WWII-era posters here.)

The director of Armageddon (whoever he is, I just don't know) managed to create something that was a witty parody that at the same time managed to stay respectful and hasn't slipped off into denigration, as most parodies do.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

No... (none / 0) (#328)
by jmzero on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:28:58 PM EST

You're just imagining that.  Some movies can be good if you pretend the director was trying for some meta-ironic bad movie comment thing.  However, this is a testament to your ability to project, rather than any ability or intent of the director.  In reality, this sort of sophistry doesn't happen much in Hollywood, is painfully obvious when it does (eg. Starship Troopers), and certainly didn't happen in Armageddon.

Even as camp, I still can't enjoy a 6 hour movie where 5.98 hours are screaming and rocks falling.  If you can, then a visit to the video store must be a thing of true delight for you.
"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]

Sigh. You really *are* as dumb as you sound. (none / 0) (#330)
by tkatchev on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:39:50 PM EST

Look, like I already said three or four times, the movie wasn't about "camp".

It was a gentle and respectful parody of "social realism". I guess this simply flies over your head, and you have no idea what I'm talking about. However, the movie director definitely knew what he was doing. "Social realism" is really what created the movie industry in the first place; I liked how the movie was a sort of irreverent tribute to the whole concept.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Again, no it wasn't. (none / 0) (#332)
by jmzero on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:14:49 PM EST

But I'm glad you can pretend it was.

Bad Boys. Pearl Harbor.  The Rock.  These are the director's other films.  I suppose they were all something other than horrible piles of shlock too?  No.  He does crap.  If you can imagine a good movie on to Armageddon, then fine.

the movie wasn't about "camp".

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that's what you were suggesting - I only used that word because that's the only way I can imagine myself enjoying this turd.

"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]

You don't know what the hell you are talking about (1.00 / 1) (#429)
by tkatchev on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 05:52:06 AM EST

Any valid arguments you'd like to post here?

I don't know about his other films, and really I don't care.

What I do know is that he brilliantly managed to do the job he set out to do. It was a fine artistic achievement, though obviously it doesn't cater to everybody's style.

Another thing I know is that you, sir, are a nincompoop who feels he is qualified to speak on matters he completely misunderstands, not even having the very very basic background on the subject.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Ok. You trolled me.. (none / 0) (#443)
by jmzero on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 10:54:28 AM EST

I just had to make sure you were a troll, and not a first year liberal arts student.

For the record, I don't think the social realist movement in film was nearly so important as the similar effort in painting.  Film never had a time when abstraction ruled, so it really wasn't that much of a break when realism was made more of a direct goal.

In any case, I'd be interested to hear what sort of comment you think Armageddon is making on this.  As an aside, irrational behavior, stupid dialog, unrealistic scenarios presented in an unashamed manner, poor cinematography, screaming, and the presence of the anti-Christ (Liv Tyler), do not make for commentary on anything.  Also, I would suggest that the heavens will spew forth lightning bolts if your praise for Armageddon would also apply to Speed 2: Cruise Control or Waterworld.

I only saw Armageddon once, but the screaming is still imprinted on my brain - so I should remember any particular brilliant bits that you should care to point out.  If you're chomping at the bit for more Michael Bay filmography, IMDB has it down that he made a guest appearance on Miami Vice back in '84.  You may want to check it out for signs of his budding (but for some reason, almost instantly extinguished) brilliance...  Happy trolling!

"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]

"Film never had a time when abstraction ruled (none / 0) (#465)
by tkatchev on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 04:03:15 AM EST

Huh? Now you're the troll.

Like, ever heard of Hollywood?

Hollywood is all one big abstraction. Not to mention most of European films this last century.

Also, your irrational hate of Michal Bay is clouding your judgement. Films like "Speed 2" or "The Rock" are simple, unmitigated pop-entertainment, whereas "Armageddon" had a carefully crafted backbone to it; "Armageddon" was very much written to fit the socially-realist canon.

"Social realism" says that art should reaffirm the "simple values of life", like hard work, honesty, "family values" and such. It says that "simple people" are the "salt of the earth" and that they "help carry the world's burden". It is overly patriotic. It believes in progress with undaunted optimism. It also says that getting the message across to all segement of the population is much more important that things like logical coherency or artistic merit.

Now watch "Armageddon" again and compare.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Meh? (none / 0) (#473)
by jmzero on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 02:10:44 PM EST

"Film never had a time when abstraction ruled"?

No, it didn't.  In painting, you see the social realist painters talking about how they "didn't want to paint purple cows".  At the time, paintings representing reality had been pretty much written off as simplistic - serious work was done in abstract.

There certainly was a realist movement in film, but it wasn't a break from true abstract works.  A film like "It's a wonderful life" certainly wasn't realistic - but it's not "Still Life with Pedestal Table".  The only reason Wonderful Life wasn't social realist is because reality doesn't typically include suicide prevention angels and eerily like-minded townfolk.  Film has always drifted towards realism because that's what's easy to make with a camera.

"Social realism" says that art... things like logical coherency or artistic merit.

As unsporting of me as it is, I just can't say that I'd sit through Armageddon again to find out.  Perhaps you do see some running thread there that I didn't see.  Perhaps, as you may be suggesting, Bay adhered to the worst action movie conventions in order to make complete his artistic vision.

Perhaps, too, Michael Bay is a crappy director who was earnestly trying to make a great action picture, instead made a horrible piece of still fairly marketable tripe, and made a tidy career of repeating same.  Perhaps it is by accident or sheer depth of incompetence that he produced a film that might be interpreted as something else.

In any case, I guess I am now arguing from irredeemable ignorance.  Perhaps one day everyone will recognize Armageddon as a masterpiece.  But though Orson Welles, Bob Sagett, and Richard Nixon descend from the heavens to shout its praises, I shall insist that it was turd and never watch it again.

Have a good day...

"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]

In a couple words... (5.00 / 1) (#487)
by tkatchev on Sun Dec 01, 2002 at 06:57:26 AM EST

...pretend that Dislneyland tried to film an epic totalitarian propaganda film about the everlasting thousand-year global reign of the God-given Pax Americana.

"Armageddon" isn't far from the mark.

I concede, it might be that Bay simply stumbled onto this concept out of sheer ignorance and stupidity; it that is true, than we finally have a proof to the million-monkey-and-Shakespeare theory.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

objection yr honor (none / 0) (#488)
by adequate nathan on Sun Dec 01, 2002 at 09:47:07 AM EST

What about Dziga Vertov?

"For me -- ugghhh, arrgghh."
-Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, in Frank magazine, Jan. 20th 2003

Join the petition: Rusty! Make dumped stories & discussion public!
[ Parent ]

We all remember when he dominated film... (none / 0) (#489)
by jmzero on Sun Dec 01, 2002 at 04:59:34 PM EST

Oh wait, no we don't.
"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]
I saw it on TV (4.50 / 2) (#124)
by anno1602 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:22:53 AM EST

... for free. And afterwards, I was left with this numb feeling that I just wasted another 2.5 hours of my life.
"Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit." - Murphy
[ Parent ]
Speed 2: Cruise control (3.50 / 2) (#97)
by RaveWar on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:03:38 AM EST

Oh deary, deary me. Yawn control would be more like it.
One rule of thumb in movies: if the cute little dog saunters out of the wreckage of the disaster that leaves thousands dead, the movie's gonna suck. badly.
We don't need freedom. We don't need love.
We want Superpower, Ultraviolence.
my list (none / 0) (#98)
by karolo on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:10:41 AM EST

Final destination (I can't believe I actually paid money for that)
Mission imposible
Signs (did they pretend to be serious or is it actually a (bad) comedy?)

Final Destination (4.50 / 2) (#104)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:24:16 AM EST

was brilliant! It shocked the fuck out of me when the plane blew up!

On the DVD, it has a TOTALLY DIFFERENT alternate ending - I hate it when they do that, makes you feel that your 2 hours was wasted, in a way.

[ Parent ]

You're completely nuts. (none / 0) (#109)
by nooper on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:18:57 AM EST

All those movies other than Signs were awesome.

[ Parent ]
Nah (none / 0) (#112)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:42:28 AM EST

Gladiator was WANK, I really never understood why anyone rated that. The plot was like:

1. Guy gets pissed off.
2. Fight.
3. Credits.

[ Parent ]

I thought that was the point to it (none / 0) (#159)
by JahToasted on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:26:52 AM EST

I went into the theatre with the expectation of seeing fight scene. Did you expect it to be anything else??
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison
[ Parent ]
Hmmmm (none / 0) (#166)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:44:34 AM EST

maybe I was confused! It's just that the media lauded it as some kind of masterpiece, so I was expecting a decent film rather than just a fight scene. I mean, Arnie's blockbusters were damn cool and exciting but they didn't get Oscars did they? So why did this?

[ Parent ]
Photograpy. (none / 0) (#287)
by Ranieri on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:40:40 AM EST

Did you have a look at the photography? It was absolutely amazing...

On the other hand, with the total lack of an orginal plot I had plenty of time to admire it...
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]

Mission Impossible? (none / 0) (#147)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:21:25 AM EST

C'mon, that movie was a really poorly put together story interspersed with some cool stunts.

And that's cool - but it doesn't mean it's a great movie. Just a crappy movie with cool stunts.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]

Saw two of them (none / 0) (#302)
by ggeens on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:29:55 AM EST

Final destination: A horror movie by the book. A group of people get targeted by some unknown force, and get killed one by one.

Signs was definitely the worst movie I saw this year.

Imagine a race of aliens allergic to water coming to Earth, a planet where 2/3 of the surface is covered with water. The reason why they are prepared to land on our planet is to feed on humans. (Human tissue is about 80% water!)

Said aliens are capable of jumping on on top of a barn, but are not able to break though a wooden plan nailed across a window.

L'enfer, c'est les huîtres.

[ Parent ]
Once again... (3.80 / 5) (#100)
by RainyRat on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:19:20 AM EST

...Battlefield Earth. Reminds me of another L. Ron Hubbard book, Fear, where the main character loses a few hours of his life with no explanation. B.E. was like that - I'm still apologising to my girlfriend for taking her. (dis)Honorable mentions also go to Reign of Fire, for the skillful mutilation of an otherwise interesting premise, and Mission to Mars, for being far less interesing than it really should have been.

Eagles may soar, but rats seldom get sucked into jet engines.
final destination (none / 0) (#105)
by karolo on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:26:07 AM EST

You must be really easy to shock

+1 FP ... I'll pay for movies .. (3.50 / 2) (#107)
by dvchaos on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:36:47 AM EST

... When they stop making crap movies, until then I'll continue to get all my previews(full film, crap quality) off of kazaa lite... thank god for broadband *yay* :)

Re: stop making crap... (none / 0) (#466)
by MrHanky on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 07:26:40 AM EST

If they were to stop making crap movies, they would have to start making only "safe" movies. Which means they would only make movies that resembled movies that no one hated earlier. That possible future would be even more bland and tasteless than current Hollywood (after all, they do put out some quality now and then).

So I guess, what you are trying to say is: Thank God for broadband. *yay* :) Ah, you really did say that.

"This was great, because it was a bunch of mature players who were able to express themselves and talk politics." Lettuce B-Free, on being a total fucking moron for Ron Paul.
[ Parent ]

Easily... (4.50 / 2) (#116)
by DeadBaby on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:02:24 AM EST

The remake of Planet of the Apes. I liked Tim Burton's previous films a lot but my god... POTA was one of the worst movies I ever saw. All the people I saw it with wanted to leave but we all stayed thinking at least one person wanted to see the end.

I have no problem leaving a movie, I don't get the whole idea that if you pay $8 for a movie you should at least stay and watch it. If a movie is so boring and stupid I am actually enjoying hearing other people talk over it there's no reason I should stay.
"Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us." - Carl Sagan

Director's cut of Blade Runner (none / 0) (#121)
by wiredog on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:16:22 AM EST

I rented that once. I wish I could find the theater cut, it was good. Star Wars pt 1. Dune. Gorgeous to look at, but Lynch needed another three hours to tell the story properly.

There was a Bill Cosby movie 25 years or so ago that I walked out on.

The last movie I saw in a theater was Apocalypse Now Redux (It was. Ummm. Interesting. And long.)Before that, Fellowship of the Ring. Very good. The 4 DVD version is excellent.

Lawrence of Arabia was playing at a local theater once. If you ever get a chance to see it on the big screen, go. Wonderful movie.

If you haven't seen Casablanca, rent it.

More Math! Less Pr0n! K5 For K5ers!

Really? (none / 0) (#170)
by Gully Foyle on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:46:48 AM EST

I preferred the director's cut of blade runner. It's shorter, has a better ending, and doesn't have Harrison Ford talking over all of it in a bored monotone.

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh
[ Parent ]

Not to mention a decent ending (none / 0) (#195)
by krek on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:29:05 PM EST

[ Parent ]
It only cost you $6? (2.00 / 2) (#122)
by dani14 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:17:36 AM EST

I haven't paid $6 to see a movie in years! Even the "dollar" cinemas are up to $5, and I don't go there for fear of contracting some strange disease....

Anyway, the movie that most recently had me questioning my $8.50 investment was The Blair Witch. I though it was an OK story, and could have been scary, if my eyeballs weren't so fatigued from competing with the bouncing cameras that I couldn't really care what happened in that house anymore. I left feeling like I'd paid $8.50 to watch a badly shot, much to long, camp-fire story.

Oh, and although I enjoy the music, another really, really bad movie was Mortal Kombat. The special effects were awful and the guy who played the Highlander was equally as bad.


"The samaritans parable obviously missed the bit where jizzbug ... kicked the crap out of the guy "just to see if he could do it, you know, to test if the law was perfect and all"." -- Craevenwulfe
It's only 6$ (none / 0) (#128)
by dvchaos on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:49:31 AM EST

That attitude is exactly why they keep making such tripe. if you keep shelling out whatever they ask for, don't complain and go again to the next pile of junk 'movie' they'll keep making them. bah *sheep*.

Like lambs happily committing themselves to the slaughter... then bitching about it

go figure.

[ Parent ]
I've learned since.... (1.50 / 2) (#197)
by dani14 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:41:22 PM EST

I used to go to several movies a year, back when it was cheaper. Last year, I went to three:

Pearl Harbor - Specifically for the battle scenes. I didn't expect much from the plot or the actors and wasn't disappointed.
The Mummy Returns - I knew I was throwing away $8.50 on the plot, but I wanted to see the awesome special effects. Unfortunately, the pathetic special effects for the Scorpion King just left a bad aftertaste for the whole film.
Lord of the Rings - which was great.

This year, I went to Resident Evil and was disappointed with the ending, Signs and liked it, and I will go to see The Two Towers. I'd like to see the new Bond film, but even that won't be worth the expenditure.

If I'm not sold on a movie or at least expect that seeing the special effects on the big screen is worth the $8.50, I'll wait till it comes out on video. Even then, I'll wait until it's no longer a "new release," $4 isn't worth it for renting a film, either.


"The samaritans parable obviously missed the bit where jizzbug ... kicked the crap out of the guy "just to see if he could do it, you know, to test if the law was perfect and all"." -- Craevenwulfe
Parent ]
Yeah, it's an art theatre (none / 0) (#155)
by Adam Theo on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:06:26 AM EST

Yeah, the theatre I saw it at is an artsy theatre, and not as expensive, crowded, or clean as the bigger theatres around here (Tallahassee, FL). The two main ones cost ~$8.

-- "A computer geek free-market socialist patriotic American Buddhist."
[ Parent ]

Worst movie I paid to see: (4.40 / 5) (#123)
by ChiefHoser on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:19:59 AM EST

A little while ago I paid 13.50(CDN) to watch Vanilla Sky. It was the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I came out of that (2-2.5 hour movie) feeling like I had wasted a year of my life!

But other than that I have a good track record on ending up at movies that I enjoy to some degree.

Chief of the Hosers
Star Trek V (4.33 / 3) (#127)
by b1t r0t on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:45:01 AM EST

I admit there have been many much worse movies perpetrated on the public, but I don't go to the theatres that much, and can usually tell if a movie is going to suck and avoid it. For instance, before The Matrix, they showed a trailer for Wild Wild West. From the sheer quantity of CGI, I could tell instantly that this was a movie that had no plot, but a great Dolby Digial mix, and that it would probably be a great movie to watch blindfolded.

So that means that Star Trek V was probably the worst movie I have paid money for to see in a theatre. Everybody knows it is one of the lamest of the entire franchise, but the moment I knew it sucked was right after they landed on the God Planet. Here they are, in the middle of the galaxy, on an esentially unpopulated planet, then the camera makes a wide shot of the terrain.

Then I see it. On the right side of the picture, going up the hill, were a pair of wheel ruts. HUH? There's not enough resolution to see it on the widescreen laserdisc, and I don't know if you can see it on the DVD, but I definitely saw it on a fullscreen TV broadcast. What does God need with a spacesh^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hfour wheel drive?

-- Indymedia: the fanfiction.net of journalism.

V had the funniest trek moment ever (5.00 / 1) (#223)
by godix on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:57:14 PM EST

Kirk asks why God needs a starship. Kirk gets the shit zapped out of him. Spock, intellectual giant that he is, asks the exact same question. Spock gets the shit zapped out of him. If you look closely Spock looks suprised that he got shocked. The giant emotionless brain look absolutely stunned that he got electrocuted for doing the exact same thing Kirk got fried for doing. I laughed my ass off.

That and the fact that you can outrun the enterprises phaser beam. Ships that can move faster than light can't avoid it, but put on a pair of nike's and you're never gonna get hit....

- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]

I liked McCoy's line too... (none / 0) (#337)
by TCaptain on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:31:43 PM EST

something along the lines of "when you're face to face with the Almighty you don't go asking for his ID"

But then, that's what I enjoy of the Trek movies...no matter how bad they get (and some were good) there's always some funny moments that make up for it (intentional or not)

Hello, my name is PID 12759. You "kill -9"ed my parent. Prepare to die. - ENOENT

[ Parent ]
"Ulee's Gold" and "Out of Sight&quo (none / 0) (#130)
by czth on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:54:25 AM EST

Someone else rented the first, and it still sticks out as one of the worst movie's I've ever seen. I bought the second on DVD, it's more recent; fairly crap movie.

When oh when are the Indiana Jones [1 2 3] movies going to come out on DVD? Back to the Future [1 2 3]? I refuse to get a VCR, compared to DVD's VHS tapes are way too clunky and unreliable.


Back! (none / 0) (#140)
by Ranieri on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:37:15 AM EST

Back to the Future is Back on DVD (excuse the pun) in a box set type of packaging. Amazon has it here.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
Thanks -nt (none / 0) (#180)
by czth on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:18:09 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Ulee's Gold, erg... (none / 0) (#146)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:17:26 AM EST

Yeah, that was terrible, and strangely hyped the year it came out. I like Out of Sight, however. I thought it was a pretty good popcorn movie.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
Star Wars Episode 2 and Slap Her ... She's French (4.40 / 5) (#135)
by caek on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:12:30 AM EST

About two hours into Star Wars Episode 2, during the big final battle I realised not only did I have no idea why these people were fighting, but also that I didn't care. The film was an incomprehensible, joyless crock of shit.

I recently reviewed Slap Her...She's French. Fortunately, I didn't pay to see that. Here are the first and last paragraphs of the review:

Intriguing title, isn't it? Unfortunately, it's the worst film I have ever seen. That isn't hyperbolae. I was going to say it's the worst film I've ever seen since some other film, but I really couldn't think of anything that delves comparable soul-destroying depths.


It's the kind of film you could easily imagine a committee of fifteen middle-aged men coming up with if asked to make a "teen comedy". The only thing that stopped me removing my eyeballs with desert spoons at the sheer awfulness of this car crash of a film was the fact that I hadn't paid to get in. Suitable for 11-year-old girls and utter cretins only.

Not recommended.

Sadly I bought Episode II on DVD yesterday (none / 0) (#387)
by synik on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:52:56 PM EST

After sitting through it I remembered that I hadn't really liked it at the movies, and it was worse on DVD.

[ Parent ]
Reviewing? (none / 0) (#439)
by fiffilinus on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 08:46:10 AM EST

I concur with your views, but out of sheer curiosity I want to ask you one thing: do those reviews get edited in the spell checking and semantic sense before they are published? Just wondering... And I have a dark feeling that the Star Wars series somehow died off after the original three movies. Guess this is headed towards the black hole of movie plots...

[ Parent ]
Ummm... (none / 0) (#500)
by caek on Wed Dec 04, 2002 at 10:36:14 AM EST

OK. I'll bite.

do those reviews get edited in the spell checking and semantic sense before they are published?

I've had a pretty thorough loo at what I pasted from my review and I can't see any errors. So what are you getting at here?

[ Parent ]

Eyes Wide Shut (none / 0) (#137)
by notenchi on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:25:22 AM EST

I can appreciate a good kubrik film, but Eyes Wide Shut was less fun than watching varnish dry in December. Really, it was one of a couple movies I tried tp force myself to sleep through.

What, no perking duck? You die!
If life gives you lemmings, make lemming aid!

re: eyes wide shut (none / 0) (#211)
by parsec on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:08:25 PM EST

I thought the movie itself was decent. The circumstances I was watching it under were rather akward though: watching it with my father and my girlfriend of one month in the theatres one day when there was nothing better to do at the cottage. The situation I was watching it in was more fucked up than the movie.

[ Parent ]
their sex scene (none / 0) (#281)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:39:07 AM EST

did look a little boring. not that i'm a vamp or anything...
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Any Bruckheimer/Bay production (none / 0) (#139)
by Dphitz on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:36:22 AM EST

Should be at the top of this list.  Some others:

Hurly Burly: fucking pile of ass!
The Postman: kill me, please! (I can't believe I'm admitting I saw this)
Blue Velvet:  I recently rented this to see what the hype was about.  This is one of those artsy films that all the pretentious cool people say they loved but didn't understand a single moment of.  I hated this more than steaming shit on a bagel.

God, please save me . . . from your followers

Blue Velvet. (none / 0) (#145)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:15:37 AM EST

At the risk of sound pretentiously cool (pretentious, maybe, but I'm definitely not cool), this is one of my favorite movies - what didn't you understand? It's pretty straight-forward, I thought.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
First off (none / 0) (#183)
by Dphitz on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:29:51 PM EST

Please forgive my generalization. The story was easy to follow it's just that Lynch seems to fill his movies with odd, bizarre stuff that probably doesn't mean anything yet is put in there to make us ooh and ahh at his "genius" (maybe I'm just a cynic).  I just didn't get the motivation for some of Hopper's character's behavior.  

God, please save me . . . from your followers

[ Parent ]
ah, yeah... (none / 0) (#187)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:54:21 PM EST

I see what you mean. There are definitely certain things in the movie that I can't explain, sure. But I think the overall themes are pretty straigh-forward... Moreso than most Lynch movies. I'd say Blue Velvet and the Elephant Man are his best films that I have seen (haven't seen the Straight Story yet).
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
You know, the funny thing... (none / 0) (#428)
by Dirty Liberal Scumbag on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 05:13:27 AM EST

...about the Straight Story is that it's probably the most appropriately titled David Lynch movie ever. Unlike ANY of his other movies, the story in the Straight Story is pretty... well... straight.

I am now whatever you wish me to be to excuse your awesomeness.
[ Parent ]

well, the Elephant Man... (none / 0) (#493)
by joshsisk on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 01:37:16 PM EST

...was pretty straightforward, too.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
Hush you. I was trying to make a point (nt) (none / 0) (#502)
by Dirty Liberal Scumbag on Wed Dec 04, 2002 at 03:43:17 PM EST


I am now whatever you wish me to be to excuse your awesomeness.
[ Parent ]

Understanding Blue Velvet (spoiler) (4.00 / 1) (#229)
by localroger on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:53:52 PM EST

Blue Velvet is a superficially simple movie which seems to have a few odd out-of-place features. The more you look at those features the less sense it makes, until you realize the only way to make sense of them is to reverse all your assumptions about the front story.

In Blue Velvet, Kyle MacLaghlan is going to become Dennis Hopper's replacement. He will be working for Detective Williams, who is running the drug trade, and he will marry Sandy, who knows all about her dad's side business but pretends she doesn't.

Watch it again with these assumptions in the back of your head and watch how everything snaps into focus.

I can haz blog!
[ Parent ]

Austin Powers: Goldmember (none / 0) (#141)
by sticky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:39:23 AM EST

I didn't want to go but a few friends convinced me to. What an awful piece of crap. Not the worst I've ever seen but the worst in recent memory.

Don't eat the shrimp.---God
Goldmember sucked (5.00 / 1) (#152)
by y1 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:43:35 AM EST

That fact that marketing was applied throughout the movie without even the SLIGHTEST effort at subtely is sickening. This was the movie that made me believe that we have reached the point where they really, REALLY have no shame.

[ Parent ]
Goldmember (5.00 / 1) (#154)
by b1t r0t on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:06:15 AM EST

When I watched it, it seemed to me they were using all the leftover jokes that didn't fit into the first two movies, so it had no kind of coherency at all. The groan factor of all the puns was about the only thing that saved it for me. That made it awful in a good sort of way.

It's certainly not a great movie, and definitely the weakest of the three, but there are a lot worse movies out there that have been perpetrated on the theatre-going public.

-- Indymedia: the fanfiction.net of journalism.
[ Parent ]

The worst two that come to mind are: (none / 0) (#144)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:08:43 AM EST

Godzilla and Batman & Robin.

I didn't pay for Godzilla, but I did pay for Batman & Robin. I actually tried to walk out of that one, too, but my friends literally chased me down and dragged me back into the theater, since I was their ride.

The Postman was also pretty horrible.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn

Oh, and how could I forget : (none / 0) (#151)
by joshsisk on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:31:15 AM EST

the Final Fantasy movie. Easily the worst movie I've seen in the past few years, on video or in the theater.
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
Heh (none / 0) (#163)
by JahToasted on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:40:35 AM EST

I watched the first five minutes of those movies on cable. The scene where Batman and Robin are running towards the camera at the beginning made me switch the channel. There was something similarly stupid in Godzilla that made me change channels early on, but I can't remember what it was. I remember seeing later scenes of Godzilla on a department store display TV, and they had some helicopters being chased by Godzilla... didn't it occur to anyone that if the choppers just increased altitude, Godzilla couldn't get them?
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison
[ Parent ]
Please Disambiguate (none / 0) (#232)
by ewhac on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:50:49 PM EST

Which Godzilla did you see?

Was it the crappy Hollywood blockbuster starring Matthew Broderick? Or was it the extremely superior Japanese version from Toho Studios?

Editor, A1-AAA AmeriCaptions. Priest, Internet Oracle.
[ Parent ]

I saw Godzilla. (none / 0) (#494)
by joshsisk on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 01:41:40 PM EST

Not Godzilla 2000. I know the difference... Incidentally, the film you linked to is NOT Toho's Godzilla 2000, it's apparently a parody of some type directed by a "Montgomery Sutton".
logjamming.com : web hosting for weblogs, NOT gay lumberjack porn
[ Parent ]
Bad movies (5.00 / 1) (#153)
by Yabl0 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:06:00 AM EST

The worst movies I've actually paid money to see have to be Scooby-Doo and Zoolander.  I typically don't walk out of movies, because I want to get my money's worth, but these movies made me want the hour that I wasted on them back.

2001: A Space Odyssey (3.25 / 4) (#160)
by kwertii on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:28:01 AM EST

The single most over-rated, pretentious, boring, self-indulgent, pseudo-artsy waste of cellulite I've ever seen. The entire movie could have been condensed into a 20 minute short and been essentially the same film.

Three movies I have ever fallen asleep during: 2001, Fantasia, and Gone With the Wind.

"He lives most gaily who knows best how to deceive himself." --Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Read the books (4.00 / 1) (#194)
by krek on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:25:12 PM EST

All four of them.

The movie actually begins to make sense. But I do agree, the movie was mostly masturbation.

[ Parent ]
Books came afterward (none / 0) (#216)
by Polverone on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:21:57 PM EST

2001, the movie, was based on a short story. The book, the film sequel, and the book sequels came later. I've read the books at some point and vaguely recall enjoying them. I kind of liked 2001 the movie. And if you thought 2001 was slow, don't see Solaris (the original, haven't seen the remake.)
It's not a just, good idea; it's the law.
[ Parent ]
Dummy (none / 0) (#298)
by krek on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:00:24 AM EST

Solaris is a Russian movie. Never see Russian movies unless you are suffering from insomnia, that goes for Russian books as well.... that is, as long as you are not Russian.

[ Parent ]
Solaris? (none / 0) (#309)
by Purple Walrus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:00:08 AM EST

The book was not at all slow.

And if you read the book then the movie isn't so slow either.

[ Parent ]
Russian movies (none / 0) (#361)
by kwertii on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:48:57 PM EST

"Burnt By The Sun", about the Great Purges under Stalin, was pretty good.

"He lives most gaily who knows best how to deceive himself." --Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[ Parent ]
See how tastes vary (5.00 / 1) (#253)
by hugues on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:37:35 PM EST

2001 is one of my favourite movies of all times. It's not the philosophy behind it so much as the attention to details. No other Sci-Fi film even comes remotely close.

To me the film is excellent because the implications of what's on screen are mind-boggling and yet the film does not involve faster-than-light travel, monster aliens, phasers set-to-stun or any unbelievable technology (well, we're a long way from HAL still).

Too bad you didn't enjoy it.

[ Parent ]

Eyes wide shut (none / 0) (#164)
by Gully Foyle on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:40:49 AM EST

I fell asleep during the second CD. A more boring film I can't imagine.

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh

Doesn't (none / 0) (#167)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:45:48 AM EST

Kidman get her tits out?

[ Parent ]
Right (none / 0) (#174)
by Silent Chris on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:00:06 PM EST

A tall thin girl with no chest.  I can hardly wait.

[ Parent ]
fair comment (none / 0) (#175)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:07:03 PM EST

but are there any Hollywood chicks with big titties?

[ Parent ]
fair comment (none / 0) (#176)
by starsky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:07:37 PM EST

but are there any Hollywood chicks with big titties?

[ Parent ]
gosh (none / 0) (#279)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:37:41 AM EST

i LOVED that movie. if a real house like that ever existed, i definitely would break in (minus the murder, of course) :) <kimberly, is this your acct? tell b&g i said hi.> best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Good bad, and bad bad (none / 0) (#165)
by enry on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:44:12 AM EST

There's the good bad movies (Evil Dead Trilogy), those that don't take themselves all that seriously, or you at least expect crap.  Those have excuses, and I am rarely disappointed in my expectations.

Then there's the bad bad movies.  The ones that get a *bit* too much hype, or you think "Leslie Neilsen and Mel Brooks?  Cool!".  I have a few top movies I actually paid to see.  They were bad enough to make me want to write the movie studio and demand not only my money back, but also the time spent:

Ballistic:  Ecks vs. sever.  My brother and I showed up 5 minutes late and thought we'd missed some crucial plot point.  Nope.

Highlander 2.  Alas.  A big pile of stinky

Dracula: Dead and Loving it.  Mel Brooks and Leslie Neilsen cancelled each other out.  Then again, any movie in the past 10 years by either of them has not been that great.

bad good? (none / 0) (#181)
by calimehtar on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:26:31 PM EST

How about movies you were supposed to like but didn't? Citizen Kane, Schindler's List, The Seven Samurai (I actually liked that one, but my friend hated it), Howard's End etc spring to mind.

[ Parent ]
How bad did you not like it? (none / 0) (#191)
by enry on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:07:09 PM EST

The movies I'm supposed to like I sometimes do, but if I don't it's more of an 'ehh, whatever' than a 'Why did I spend 2 hours watching this POS?'

Which makes it fall into the general category of movies.

[ Parent ]

Psycho (none / 0) (#193)
by krek on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:23:02 PM EST

Actually, come to think of it, anything by Alfred Hitchcock seems to suck great bags of ass. In fairness, I have yet to see Vertigo. The only one that I did not want to kill myself during was North By Northwest... not bad but not good either.

[ Parent ]
Nightfall (none / 0) (#169)
by Sloppy on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:46:16 AM EST

This was a long time ago, but it still stands out as the worst: Nightfall. It's the only time that I can recall, where I was actually angry afterwords and wanted my money back.

I mean, when you go to see "Battlefield Earth" you shouldn't be expecting much, and I don't see how anyone could be disappointed (granted, I haven't seen that movie, but that's the point -- my prejudice served me well). But when I paid to see "Nightfall", I actually thought I was going to see a good SF movie. I was very, very wrong.
"RSA, 2048, seeks sexy young entropic lover, for several clock cycles of prime passion..."

what! (none / 0) (#285)
by zerth on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:53:46 AM EST

That actually came out in theatres?  Jeez, I always thought it was a made-for-Ray-Bradbury-Theatre tv movie.  You poor bastard, you actually paid ticket prices for that? *comfort*

Rusty isn't God here, he's the pope; our God is pedantry. -- Subtillus
[ Parent ]
Ghosts of Mars (none / 0) (#171)
by JahToasted on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:47:43 AM EST

This is the only movie I went to see that I wanted to leave half way through.

What was the point with all the flashbacks? Everytime they meet a new character there's a flashback. The whole movie was a flashback really. At one point there was a flashback within a flashback within a flashback. Everyone in the theatre just groaned everytime someone started to recall a story.
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison

Star Wars (none / 0) (#173)
by rayab on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:52:02 AM EST

Ok, so I tolerated it the first time I saw it at a regular theater, it was stupid, but whatever. However they're released the movie on one of those dome screens, and everyone was making a big fuss about it, and so we decided to check it out. Let me tell you, it was NOT worth the $10 a ticket they charged. Since the movie was originally shot for a 35mm film having it stretched out on a 70mm film was bad. The quality looked blurry, and everything on the sides was really stretched out and narrow. I've seen movies that were specifially made with the 70mm film and they truly looked good. But this was the worse movie experience ever! Now they're talking about releasing apollo 13 in the same manner. But I'm not making the same mistake twice.

Y popa bila sobaka on yeyo lyubil, ona syela kusok myasa on yeyo ubil, v zemlyu zakopal, i na mogile napisal...
Little Nicky (4.20 / 5) (#179)
by lvogel on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:17:12 PM EST

....is the worst movie ever. I'll never watch another Adam Sandler movie again.

-- ----------------------
"When you're on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog!"

-a dog
Final Fantasy (4.25 / 4) (#182)
by kphrak on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:29:05 PM EST

I expected Final Fantasy to be good (basically a couple hours of CGI cutscene), and indeed, the graphics were gorgeous, but the acting and plot were so awful that I almost got up and walked out. Then I remembered the $7.50 I'd shelled out to see this bomb, and with a groan of despair, I watched it to the end. The nonsensical plot was ripped straight from the pages of a New-Age catalog, and the voice acting was roughly along the lines of a dubbed kung-fu movie. It didn't help that the dude with me had loved it and was saying all the way back, "Man, that was such a great movie! How about when such and such happened...wasn't that cool?"

If you haven't seen it, and want to, I suggest you go find a fork and ram it into your eyeballs instead. It's cheaper, and you get the same amount of fun as if you watched the movie.

Describe yourself in your sig!
American computer programmer, living in Portland, OR.

Final Fantasy is an excellent movie (4.00 / 1) (#184)
by krek on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:39:12 PM EST

You just have to watch it right.

The key is the mute button. Then; you put on a nice techno or rock album, light your spliff, and enjoy.

[ Parent ]
YOU SIR (none / 0) (#265)
by auraslip on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:15:21 AM EST

And I will be doing this
very soon
[ Parent ]
nonsense plots and square (5.00 / 1) (#198)
by omegadan on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:56:45 PM EST

I don't know much about japanese culture, but I'd like to advance a theroy. Square seems to do alot of nonsense storytelling. Their latest videogame, "Kingdom Hearts" is a *fabulous* game in many respects, but plot is not one of them. Most events in the game happen for no reason and without *any* kind of story arc. An example, the game is so convoluted that it plain tells you what to do most of the time -- you find a strange item and in the stock menu the description will read something like "A strangely glowing gem, take this to merlin" because otherwise you'd never get anywhere.

So here's my theroy. Playing this game, watching the FF movie, I couldn't help thinking, "Man they totally blew this. I could have fixed this if they let me hack on the script for a couple days." It's tempting to think they're just stupid, but they aren't. Lazy is another good explanation, but, square puts an incredible ammount of care into their products so thats probably not it either. So basically, the only conclusion is square finds these twisted-wreck-of-a-plots acceptable for some reason. I think *that* is a cultural issue. I've been unfourtanate enough to have seen some anime, and most of the "storytelling" in anime is similar: Unrelated events and alot of battles.

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley
[ Parent ]

nonsense from Japan (none / 0) (#217)
by Polverone on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:32:37 PM EST

I don't know. I haven't really played video games since the days of the 16 bit consoles, but I recall thinking that the original Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy 6 were both really cool, and I actually cared about the characters and what was going to happen next. Of course this may say more about my level of sophistication as a 12 year old than about the evolution of Square games.

I know an anime snob who likes to think that anime is much better than formulaic, ridiculous American entertainment. Yes, it is different. It is formulaic and ridiculous in new and exciting ways. The excitement doesn't last forever, though. There is some good stuff, but as with anything else 90% of it is a waste of time.
It's not a just, good idea; it's the law.
[ Parent ]

Kingdom hearts (none / 0) (#416)
by Lai Lai Boy on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:08:16 AM EST

Being semi-familar with Japanese culture there is a lot of stuff that attempts to make sense and doesn't (or doesn't and people attempt to make sense of it): the anime Evangelion comes to mind (I'm told Hellsing is the same way), though I wouldn't call it symptomatic of Japanese culture (see Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi or Spirited Away in the U.S. - bizarre, but it makes sense) or games (someone mentioned Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy 6). As for Kingdom Heart's, I'm working my way through it now. I'd say it's more because it's a vehicle to promote Disney, not because it doesn't make perfect sense. Each world has to attempt to fit into it's respective movie - in fact, I would argue that considering all the stuff that got mashed in there, it makes pretty good sense.

[Posted from Mozilla Firebird]
[ Parent ]

FF (none / 0) (#306)
by katie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:44:22 AM EST

I turned up to watch this on crutches with a broken knee. I spent almost all of the movie wondering staying would hurt more or less than getting up and leaving.

A week later I went to see Lord of the Rings, and that was the movie that convinced me to try and sit still for <many> hours until my knee had healed. And answered the question about FF - moving would probably have hurt less.

There's something about cinema seats that makes them fundamentally incompatible with having a broken knee...

[ Parent ]

I got a kick out of Final Fantasy (none / 0) (#396)
by IHCOYC on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:29:02 PM EST

I was thinking throughout the whole thing, What kind of bizarre and convoluted porno would I make, if I had this technology at my command?

This thought provided endless entertainment.
"Complecti antecessores tuos in spelæis stygiis Tartari appara," eructavit miles primus.
"Vix dum basiavisti vicarium velocem Mortis," rediit Grignr.
--- Livy
[ Parent ]

I'd nearly forgotten about FF! (none / 0) (#414)
by Joe Tie on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 02:03:11 AM EST

I remember a fairly large group of us all cheerfully heading out to see it. The ride back was quiet, dark, and had an air of mass shock prevading the atmosphere.I'd never seen anything have such a negitive impact on the mood of so many people. Let alone something that we'd all paid for!

[ Parent ]
Movie day at grade school. (none / 0) (#185)
by Stavr0 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:48:55 PM EST

My daughter in kindergarten. Today extracurricular activity is going to see a movie. Third graders and up get to see Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. Grade two and below get to see Santa Clause II.

I think I'll tell her Santa isn't real tonight.
- - -
All your posse are belong to Andre the Giant

BOYS DONT CRY (none / 0) (#186)
by xzap on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 12:51:22 PM EST

Remember the unique wonder and terror of life, and knowing it, live. - adequate nathan
Boys don't cry (none / 0) (#303)
by katie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:37:24 AM EST

Somehow, the fact it's a true story made it by far the most horrifying movie I've seen in a long, long time.

[ Parent ]
101 Dalmations... (none / 0) (#188)
by David McCabe on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:04:14 PM EST

Both the animated and live-acted versions are absolutly STUPID. At least the old animated version had some pretence of humur. Sort of. I didn't finish the other.

My choices (4.75 / 4) (#190)
by hatshepsut on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:05:10 PM EST

  • Battlefield Earth (me and everyone else here)
  • Reign of Fire
  • Dungeons and Dragons
But it is well-known that I have terrible taste in movies (I like Waterworld AND Hudson Hawk) and so can put up with a lot.

All a bit subjective really :) (none / 0) (#266)
by MugginsM on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:19:23 AM EST

> Battlefield Earth (me and everyone else here)

Not me, I really quite enjoyed that one. It wasn't as good as the book, but I still can't see what people dislike about it.

Not an awesome movie, but I certainly found it quite watcheable and entertaining.

> Reign of Fire

And I liked this one too.

> Dungeons and Dragons

And this one, although I must say it made much more sense once I saw the deleted scenes on the DVD
release. They basically deleted all the scenes that explained the plot.

I'd have to say the two worst movies I've ever seen, that I walked out of the cinema after 15 minutes watching, are

Romeo and Juliet
 (Why the f*ck couldn't they hire someone who can hold a camera steady)

and Pitch Black
 (Coudn't see what was going on, then strobarific. Nice of the cinema not to post a warning for epileptics.)

others on my list would be pretty much anything by Q.Tarantino(sp?)

[ Parent ]

Reign of Fire (none / 0) (#284)
by zerth on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:49:01 AM EST

I just finished watching that and it had exactly 1 glaring problem.  It had such a nice buildup, I was thinking it should've run an extra 30-40 minutes.

Instead I just feel like someone was a bit careless with their afternoon cigarette and managed to splice around the missing half hour of ass-kicking I was expecting.

Still, good flick if you rent the DVD for $1.50 US or so.

Rusty isn't God here, he's the pope; our God is pedantry. -- Subtillus
[ Parent ]

Mission to Mars (4.66 / 3) (#192)
by mr eff on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:21:33 PM EST

This was advertised as the best film of Brian De Palma's career. It had an OUTSTANDING cast, a big budget and everything pointed towards it being a good movie or at the very least an entertaining movie.

The movie started out with some really cheesy dialog at a big bar-b-que for all the space guys who would be going on the 'Mission to Mars'. I wanted to enjoy myself, so I decided to give the movie time and it would hopefully improve.

It never did. It never got any better. It was basically just a stinky, pile of turd.

I'd also put in a vote for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (and I'm a BIG Kevin Smith fan). Oh and Whipped sucked a big fat one as well.

What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero? -- Hobbes

mission to FUNK (none / 0) (#228)
by jolt rush soon on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:42:47 PM EST

this film is possibly the worst film ever made or the best comedy ever made. it's so bad it's BAD. i couldn't stop laughing in the car afterwards. and i was driving.
Subosc — free electronic music.
[ Parent ]
Ask for money back? (4.50 / 4) (#196)
by jabber on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 01:33:44 PM EST

"Waiter, this steak was so bad, I had to eat the whole thing to believe it!!! But I didn't like it, so I'm not paying!"

My rule is that if you walk out within 10 minutes of the movie starting, you can plead your case. But, most of the time, you can't tell how bad a movie is in the first 10 minutes. There are a few exceptions, but there are more counter-exceptions.

A Knight's Tale sucked from the get-go. Peasants on wooden bleachers, singing "We Will Rock You" at a jousting tournament, was a sure sign of major suckage that did not let up at all throughout the film. The ballroom dance to "Golden Years" was the only redeeming piece of the film.

Forsaken, Event Horizon and Virus, on the other hand, start out interesting enough to sit through ten minutes. After that, you've chewed on enough of the steak that you're just not justified in asking for your money back.

Contrary to popular opinion, Dungeons and Dragons was a great movie BTW. The trick to enjoying it is to realize that you're watching the imagination of a 13 year old boy playing the game, not some fantasy world with actual people in it.

Oh, and I gave you a -1. This is a great diary entry.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

maybe bill lerach (none / 0) (#278)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:32:11 AM EST

would be interested in filing a class-action suit... :D best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Dungeons and Dragons (none / 0) (#457)
by Kintanon on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:12:53 PM EST

Yeah, I liked Dungeons and Dragons precisely because it played out EXACTLY as the DnD games I played when I as 13-15 played out. All of the cheesy overdone characters were there, the bad villain, the hastily fashioned plot. It was just like playing the game when you still sucked at roleplaying but were trying.


[ Parent ]

Moulain rouge (4.50 / 2) (#199)
by quartz on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:14:36 PM EST

Followed closely by anything starring Kevin Costner.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and fuck 'em even if they can.
I saw that (5.00 / 1) (#225)
by squinky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:29:27 PM EST

on dvd right after watching Pootie Tang.

It made Pootie Tang look very very good.

[ Parent ]

The Cutting Edge (4.71 / 7) (#200)
by karb on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:18:25 PM EST

A romance.

About figure skating.

The male lead used to be a hockey player, but after an injury took up ... figure skating.

It might as well be a romance about interior design, or horse castration.
Who is the geek who would risk his neck for his brother geek?

Mondo Trasho (4.60 / 5) (#201)
by spring on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:34:28 PM EST

I was a sophmore in college, it was Saturday night, and I went to see the dollar movie at the Architecture Auditorium on campus. The feature that night was "Mondo Trasho," a John Waters film.

I arrived for the 9:00pm show. The ticket-seller looked depressed. The usher looked nervous.

"One, please," says I.

"You sure you want to see this show?" she said.

"Yeaaaah? I'm sure."

"'Cause it's pretty bad."

"The movie?"

"Yeah. It's really bad."

"Sure, yeah. I want to see it."

"Ok." She sighed. The usher let me in.

I sat down, and I noticed that there was about five other people in the audience. Now I was intrigued. How bad could it be? I mean, really. It's just a movie. The usher came down front and stepped up in front of the screen.

"Thank you for coming to see tonight's Architecture Auditorium movie. There is to be no smoking or drinking during the film." The usher became even more nervous. "If you would like a refund, uh, for your ticket, please see us during the first thirty minutes of the film. We have to take the money back over to the Student Center before it closes." He exited quickly through the back. The show began.

Folks, a more unentertaining piece of crap has never been screened. Picture an ungifted group of drunken teenagers given a Super 8 camera along with the inspiration, "Hey, I bet you could make a movie, and you all would be in it!" Imagine an unsynchronized soundtrack with about ten seconds of dialog for the entire movie. It was pointlessness beyond your wildest imaginings.

At the end of the film, I was the only patron left in the theater, a fact of which I am not proud. The one I had the most pity for was the projectionist who, I assume, had to watch that thing more than once.

I wanted to know how bad things can be. Well, I guess broadening one's horizons is what college is supposed to be all about. My horizons are sufficiently broad now, thank god, and I'll never have to watch that turd of a movie again.

Bad Movies on campus (none / 0) (#245)
by graal on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:44:23 PM EST

When I was in college, the student theater on campus had a Bad Movie Festival. They showed three films, back-to-back for something like $5. If you stayed through all 3, you got your money back. The selections were:
  • Plan 9 From Outer Space
  • Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster
  • Some industrial film about hot dog production
Oddly enough, I remember going, but can't recall whether my cohorts and I stayed for all 3.

For Thou hast commanded, and so it is, that every
inordinate affection should be its own punishment.
-- St. Augustine (Confessions, i)
[ Parent ]

e v o (none / 0) (#460)
by odds on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:53:40 PM EST

I know what you mean. I saw a flick at the 2002 Vancouver film festival called "EVO", and it undoubtedly fit into the same category as the one you saw. I didn't have the same pity as you - if I could have left, I would have. It was the premiere of the film, and the director was in the room, but despite that about 10% of the crowd walked out. I was stuck in the middle of a packed row and couldn't easy leave, unfortunately.

So what was so bad about it? Well, it was a sort of "video poem", which claimed to meditate on the writings of Richard Dawkins and technology. There were 60-120 second sequences where porn stills were shown, with the colour palette randomised to make them less obviously recognisable. There was a Sony CyberGeisha(TM) that reappeared dozens of times, rotating in 3D rendered splendor in front of an ever-so-impressive fractal background while speaking Mystical Things in a fake-robot voice. There were brief clips of Richard Dawkins talks, which were the only interesting parts of the film, and they were obviously culled from someone else's footage of his talks.

Done right, a video poem could express something or be artistic. This one did none of it. The director, a Vancouver local, was clearly a film school wanker, who didn't understand any of his subject matter, neither Richard Dawkins nor the "technology" he claimed to be discussing. I just wish I could get those hours back...

[ Parent ]

The only time I have fallen asleep in the theatre (5.00 / 1) (#202)
by dirvish on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:41:41 PM EST

was during Titanic. I woke up in time to see the ship sink (the only exciting part). One of the biggest grossing moview ever and it put me right to sleep.

Technical Certification Blog, Anti Spam Blog
Armageddon - biggest disappointment ever (none / 0) (#203)
by ClassicG on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:47:35 PM EST

I saw Armageddon shortly after seeing Deep Impact, which I really enjoyed: despite some niggling details, the movie was quite solid both in its believable characters and its fairly accurate (if by no means perfect) science.

With Armageddon, I was hoping for more of the same, another angle at what was essentially the same story. But Armageddon could not have been a bigger disappointment. The characters barely deserve to be called one-dimensional, the 'science' was ludicrous, every key scene was ruined by hammer-over-the-head obvious foreshadowing, and the 'emotional' bits were drawn out so much it was painful and laughable all at once.

If you're curious, Bad Astronomy has a good page detailing precisely just how bad the science in Armageddon is here.

My Worst Movies Ever (5.00 / 1) (#204)
by JavaTenor on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 02:59:01 PM EST

Dungeons and Dragons

A Smile Like Yours

and the best worst movie ever:
Robot Jox

Two Men. Two Machines. Too Wild.
An instant classic.

Oh Good Lord. (none / 0) (#319)
by LukeyBoy on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:43:52 AM EST

I thought I was the only human in existence to see Robot Jox. I worked at a video store once and rented it, and surprise! I was the only one to rent it since it had came in like three years previously.

[ Parent ]
Sequel (none / 0) (#325)
by jmzero on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:12:33 PM EST

There was a sequel to Robot Jox, I think - Robot Wars.  If I remember right, there was about 3 minutes of actual fighting robots between the two movies.

Still, we're not even in the same league as true low-budget schlockers - like "Troll 2" or "Nukie".
"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]

What do you mean "paid money for"? (none / 0) (#205)
by Anonymous 23477 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:36:33 PM EST

My friends works at the movie theater, the only time I see movies are when he gives me one of his free passes or takes me to an employee sneak preview of a movie.

Two more for the pile of shame (4.00 / 1) (#209)
by Hillgiant on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 03:59:53 PM EST

The Messenger
Highlander II

"It is impossible to say what I mean." -johnny

Temptation...winning... (2.00 / 1) (#210)
by Control Group on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:01:34 PM EST

All of the article is in the intro...I expect more opinion and editorial content in an Op-Ed piece...BUT I CANNOT RESIST:

And an honorable mention (I didn't pay to see it, it was in a HS Enlgish class in, I think, 1993): Slacker.

Oh, and Pink Flamingos...though that was on the dorm movie channel in college, so I didn't pay for that, either.

"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon."

How could you not like Slacker? (4.00 / 1) (#240)
by moron on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:15:08 PM EST

"Slacker" practically defined an entire generation - it was the "Dinner with Andre" for sardonic 90s post everything culture.  Fucking brilliant would be more appropriate I would think.

Next you will be slagging "In The Company Of Men" as being sexist. . .


culture: http://industrial.org
music: http://deterrent.net
code: http://codegrunt.com

[ Parent ]

Slacker (4.00 / 1) (#389)
by texchanchan on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:17:46 PM EST

"Practically defined an entire generation"--More than one generation. I lived in Austin 1983-1992, my late 20s and early 30s. That movie was exactly true to life. Life in Austin was like that, just like that, no exaggeration (and to some extent may still be). Not for everyone, of course. And not all the time. But in general, for the people I knew, yes.

Bad movies: The [name of town] Incident. I have blocked out the title. Movie about an alien landing in a small town in Texas in 1887 or so. Worst Taste Award for casting a child with premature aging as the alien. Many other bad features also. The friend who dragged us there spent the next several weeks apologizing.

[ Parent ]

hmmm (none / 0) (#276)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:30:16 AM EST

i thought that magnolia reminded me of krzysztof kieslowski's movies. best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Magnolia had redeeming features (4.00 / 1) (#295)
by goonie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:24:35 AM EST

Remarkably, it contained Tom Cruise (star of a couple of my stinkers list) actually acting, something I didn't think him capable of, and it did contain some pretty cool imagery and ideas. Too long, though.

[ Parent ]
I usually wait for PPV (none / 0) (#213)
by Ricochet Rita on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 04:34:35 PM EST

With the exception of a few "gotta see" films each year, Hollywood normally pumps out just so much trash, which I can, easily as not, wait for the Pay-per-View release, reading reviews, while listening to a few months worth of coworkers' [ravings|bitchings] about the price of admission. Not that there aren't a LOT of bad PPV titles out there, but at a mere $3.00US per movie, I can afford to watch the occasional dog.

As for terrible movies that I've paid to see in a theatre, I'd have to go with Highlander 2, Wild Wild West, and Phantom Menace (but they didn't fool me twice with Clones. Gotta remember to see that, one of these days...). I also watched the aforementioned, Battlefield Earth, but I knew what to expect going in, so I don't really count it. It was more of a study as to "how badly a bunch of religious wackos could destroy a movie from a book by their founder?" -- In a word, Utterly. -- Should definitely be making an appearance on MST3K.

Fwiw, the two sites I use heavily are:
RottenTomatoes for meta-reviews.
Greg's Previews for upcoming info.


Multiplicity [nt] (4.00 / 2) (#214)
by gazbo on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 05:01:34 PM EST

Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

Worst movies I've ever seen in the theatre (5.00 / 1) (#219)
by dipierro on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:02:22 PM EST

The Last Emperor
Natural Born Killers

Black Hawk Down [nt] (none / 0) (#222)
by curunir on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 06:57:06 PM EST

Propaganda crap (none / 0) (#372)
by p0ppe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:41:13 PM EST

BHD did suck. One of the worst pieces of un-subtle pro-US propaganda crap ever.

"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."
[ Parent ]
The rule (5.00 / 3) (#224)
by bayankaran on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:02:51 PM EST

How bad a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

"Apocalypse Now" by this logic (none / 0) (#234)
by Conspir8or on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:12:52 PM EST

So by this logic, you must have really despised "Apocalypse Now"!

[ Parent ]
Apocalypse Now (none / 0) (#237)
by bayankaran on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:42:08 PM EST

Was an exception to the rule.

[ Parent ]
what a funny comment (1.00 / 1) (#275)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:27:37 AM EST

After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
My Father's Rule (none / 0) (#297)
by IEFBR14 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:53:50 AM EST

Is much the same, but with submarines.

[ Parent ]
My rule (none / 0) (#314)
by Ubiq on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:49:10 AM EST

s/helicopters/giant fighting robots/g

[ Parent ]
Just the number? (none / 0) (#402)
by Riktov on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:36:44 PM EST

Perhaps it should be restated as the amount of screen time given to helicopters. That would account for "Blue Thunder".

[ Parent ]
Two movies (4.00 / 1) (#226)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:34:24 PM EST

Pushing Tin, a horrible movie especially considering all the good actors in it. Why did they think we care about air traffic controllers?

Also, Bye-bye love was probably the worst movie ever. Paul Reiser and Matthew Modine both get divorced and seprate from their families. No comedy ensues. I literally fell asleep.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour

Pushing Tin (none / 0) (#252)
by squinky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:33:24 PM EST

led me to the conclusion that John Cusack has been reduced to a vehicle for movie soundtracks.

[ Parent ]
But! (none / 0) (#456)
by titivillus on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:03:38 PM EST

Bye Bye Love has some manic moments and Eliza Dushku. I admit there's no reason to have Ed Flanders' character (the old guy) in it, but it wasn't that bad.

[ Parent ]
I enjoyed sleeping during these films. (5.00 / 1) (#227)
by tekno23 on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 07:38:37 PM EST

"Buena Vista Social Club" & "4 weddings + a funeral". Major Su>0Rz

Falling asleep (none / 0) (#376)
by Sven on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:04:52 PM EST

I've only ever been able to fall asleep during one movie at a cinema, and that was The Count of Monte Cristo. Only I didn't realise at the time, so I spent the last half hour of the movie trying to work out what was going on. It made a lot more sense the second time I saw it.

There have been a lot of other movies where I've tried to fall asleep and failed, The Transporter being the most recent. The sound is just too loud and the seats aren't comfortable enough. Luckily I'll be seeing Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings at La Premiere with big comfortable seats, so hopefully that will make it easier.

harshbutfair - you know it makes sense
[ Parent ]

Worst music movie: (none / 0) (#400)
by Riktov on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:33:30 PM EST

Stop Making Sense.

And yet I actually liked "My Dinner with Andre."

[ Parent ]

"FUCK!" (none / 0) (#455)
by Kintanon on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:56:19 PM EST

I liked 4 Weddings and a Funeral for the single reason that the word FUCK was used over 70 times in the first 10 minutes. After that I stopped watching it I think...


[ Parent ]

Unbreakable (4.33 / 3) (#230)
by carlfish on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:05:28 PM EST

Unbreakable: 106 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

Charles Miller

The more I learn about the Internet, the more amazed I am that it works at all.
God bless you, Carlfish (5.00 / 1) (#233)
by Conspir8or on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:09:38 PM EST

I sought out "Unbreakable" on the strength of liking "Sixth Sense" and the storm of opinions -- both positive and negative -- it ignited on some of the geek film sites. After the film ended, I compared the experience to being beaten with a bag of socks. Not a fatal assault, but irritating and definitely something that would lead me to question what in the hell the attacker was thinking. Pretentious crap.

[ Parent ]
or as I like to call it. . . (5.00 / 1) (#239)
by moron on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:10:23 PM EST



culture: http://industrial.org
music: http://deterrent.net
code: http://codegrunt.com

[ Parent ]

yeah (none / 0) (#268)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:33:55 AM EST

M. Night whoever is the most over-rated filmmaker ever. I saw Unbreakable and the 6th Sense both on tape. Everyone in both the those movies is so quiet that my tv was louder than it has ever been. I still couldn't understand a damn thing.

I saw through the suprises of both movies. There was no excitment or characterization in either movie.

This guy must be bribing the critics with millions or something.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour
[ Parent ]

hmmm (none / 0) (#274)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:26:25 AM EST

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2002/10/14/15255/021 (and i really must have a love-hate relationship with hollywood). best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Define "worst" :-D (none / 0) (#231)
by regeya on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 08:20:38 PM EST

Two of the worst high-grossing movies I've ever seen I saw the same night at a drive-in theater: There's Something About Mary and Armageddon. One of the last times a local drive-in theater was open, and that's what was playing. The people who went (me, my fiancee, and her roommate at the time) had a good time, but not because the movies were that great. I thought Mary was the worst comedy I'd ever seen. Didn't care for Armageddon either.

Biggest disappointment: Star Trek: Insurrection. I'm a Star Trek fan, mind you, so I was even more let down by the worse than usual acting, bad editing, and the general feeling that Insurrection was turned over to the Voyager production and writing staff. I felt the same way about the more modern Planet of the Apes. The original POTA was never about a planet taken over by apes, and if you think it is, I'd seriously think about the quality of education you received. The newest POTA was about an ape-filled planet, scantily-clad humans and Marky-Mark's square jaw. At least it had a Danny Elfman soundtrack; I keep hearing that music in previews. Spider-Man trailers had POTA music, as do the previews for Star Trek: Nemesis.

Stupidest movie I've ever paid for, as far as rental goes, and not enjoyed: Showgirls. Pretty people with no clothes on couldn't even save this stinker. I know some people claim it's a parody, but it's not even good parody.

Now, I've seen some movies that people consider terrible and loved them, like Unbreakable, Dude, Where's My Car?, or Beavis and Butthead Do America. My boss, who apparently read Atlas Shrugged and enjoyed it, thought that Fellowship of the Ring was a bad movie because it was long and boring. Hrm.

[ yokelpunk | kuro5hin diary ]

Trailer music (none / 0) (#299)
by katie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:02:09 AM EST

It makes a change from every trailer using the "big nuke about to go off" theme from Aliens.

[ Parent ]
Joe Dirt (4.33 / 3) (#238)
by hovil on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 09:46:36 PM EST

I felt disgruntled after the movie.

I need to revise my previous list... (4.00 / 1) (#241)
by Ricochet Rita on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:17:06 PM EST

When posting earlier, I'd somehow (thankfully) managed to forget that I'd actually paid money back in '94 to see the fetid pile of camel droppings called, In the Army Now. And at the time I knew better--having purposely avoided Son-in-Law and Encino Man, during the previous two years. Pauly Shore holds that special place in my heart as the only actor who is both less talented & less funny than Adam Sandler. And that's no mean feat.

This movie to this day serves as dire warning to me to never, EVER, let friends pick out movies that I haven't researched, or at the very least heard of, beforehand. I can't impress how much better the quality of your lives are today, for not having had to sit through this abyssmally horrible picture.


The worst movies (3.66 / 3) (#242)
by jxg on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:20:03 PM EST

That I've seen recently would have to be A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, Vanilla Sky, Dude! Where's My Car?, The Blair Witch Project, and Battlefield Earth. Oh yes, and anything involving Adam Sandler.

I really didn't think Mission to Mars or Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace were that bad. The first Lord of the Rings movie was, though. And Gladiator was pretty good, barring some minor inconsistencies.

Gladiator would've only been a so-so movie for me, (none / 0) (#280)
by zerth on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:38:45 AM EST

but I just happen to hallucinate/dream in almost exactly the same shade of blue they used for the "walking through a field" flashes.  That got me distracted enough to ignore the tiger and the one actor died before his character did:)  I almost want to buy it just to clip out the field scenes and play it as a background.

Rusty isn't God here, he's the pope; our God is pedantry. -- Subtillus
[ Parent ]
Mission to Mars (none / 0) (#320)
by el_guapo on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:51:04 AM EST

Even if you enjoyed it - _it got the physics laughably wrong_. Remember when they had to stop the ship from rotating? The little jets they fired would have _sped the rotation UP_. And then they go and do an orbital injection with their space suit jet packs. The list goes on and on...(unless I'm thinking of Red Planet here - could have 'em mixed up)
mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
[ Parent ]
A quick list (4.50 / 2) (#243)
by goonie on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:38:39 PM EST

I don't think these are actually the worst movies ever made, but they do spring to mind as stinkers I've seen.
  • Independence Day:the President's speech just tops it off. The most jingoistic movie *ever made*.
  • Dirty Dancing.: Worst chick flick *ever*. If your GF/spouse gives you grief about moronic war movies, just throw this little beauty back in her face.
  • Mission to Mars: This is probably a bit harshly marked because it had ambitions beyond your average moronic sci-fi and failed so badly. Still truly appalling.
  • Top Gun: Is it a rock video or an Air Force recruiting clip? I'm not sure. It's pretty bad as both.
  • Days Of Thunder: Nicole Kidman, still in her early 20's, as a brain surgeon? A nurse, maybe, but a fscking brain surgeon?
  • Batman and Robin: If the audience wanted camp, they'd watch the TV show.

I wish I could think of more, but they're some of the worst stinkers I can recall.

I thought Top Gun (none / 0) (#251)
by squinky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:30:22 PM EST

was the worst chick flick ever. The only people I know who liked it were daughters of Naval and Marine pilots.

[ Parent ]
Godzilla also (none / 0) (#296)
by goonie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:27:01 AM EST

The 1990's American remake (can't comment on the original). Aside from the fact that the special effects are appalling, the infamous helicopter chase scene (with the remarkably repetitive buildings) lives long in the memory.

[ Parent ]
explotation movies (none / 0) (#316)
by Sawzall on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:57:26 AM EST

like Days really irk me. As a fan of racing, there are very few racing movies at all, so to have this piece of junk made just pissed me off. This movie was based on real people (Tim Richmond was the alleged model - he has now since died of AIDS) who had a real story to tell. Do you get any of that? Of course not. The reality is that you have to go back 30 years to remember the last good racing movie. Now one hears that NASCAR has agreed to help Britney Spears make a movie based on stock car racing. Fans have been writing letters to the movie company hoping to have it stopped. Hopefully, someone will come to their senses.

[ Parent ]
Blair Witch Project (none / 0) (#244)
by elzubeir on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 10:43:41 PM EST

That movie must be the absolute worst movie I have EVER EVER EVER seen. I mean, nothing has ever come even close to how much that sucked. Not only was it painful to sit through, it made me sick. I left the theater about 5 minutes before it all ended. I just got so bored of the camera shaking with nothing. It's as if someone took a camera, held it up and just kept shaking it, staring at the same thing. Nothing there, thank you very much.

Phew.. that off my chest. I can't think of anything as bad.

Agreed (none / 0) (#347)
by LrdChaos on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:20:19 PM EST

I definitely have to agree with this. This movie was so hyped up, so I went to see it, and I hated it. I kept waiting for something to happen, but it never did.
At least I didn't pay for it (free employee pass), but I still lost an hour and a half of my life on it.

[ Parent ]
Worst Movie I paid for was (4.00 / 1) (#248)
by Tachys on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:15:49 PM EST

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

That movie was so bad as they tried to ram about 30+ characters into the movie.

The original Mortal Kombat was pretty good. Probably the only movie based on a video game that was any good

Any game that gets banned by the Austrailian govt can't be all bad... - Armaphine

Hot Potato (none / 0) (#249)
by squinky on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:27:16 PM EST

It had Jim Kelly in it so I rented it.

I liked Jim Kelly in Enter the Dragon and was sad that they killed him so soon.

Hot Potato is the antithesis of a Jackie Chan movie. It looks like they did everything in one take.

In the finale fight, there is a point where Kelly and the chief villain look like they're trying not to laugh while they're grappling.

The movie starts out with a good scene however (for the time period, the mid 70s). While the opening credits are rolling, there's a big map of the world and the workers at the Pentagon are nonchalantly replacing all the US flags on all the countries of the world with Soviet flags, so I thought the movie was going to have a lot of political comedy. It didn't.

It immediately degenerated into boorish men on sex holiday in Thailand (but with no sex-- just being cheesy around thai women). We turned the sound off and fast forwarded to the fight scenes. The fight scenes were awful. Really awful. I've seen yellow belt students throw more kung fu than those losers.

Viewing tip-- watch the opening credits, then you can fast forward all the way to the end of the movie and watch the closing credits, because they run all the fight clips (which suck anyway) again there. Then, you can be done with this hot potato in five minutes and pass it on to another sucker.

Three movies that made my teeth ache (none / 0) (#258)
by Ming D. Merciless on Wed Nov 27, 2002 at 11:59:45 PM EST

  1. Out of Bounds – The tagline for this movie (yes, I just looked it up on IMDB) was...
    Anthony Michael Hall is Daryl Cage. Eighteen years on an Iowa farm never prepared him for a summer in L.A.
    Well, when I saw this in 1986, eighteen years in a small upstate NY town never prepared me for a film this awful. I saw this in a packed theater. I've never seen so many people in pain at once.
  2. Nick of Time – This one was billed as "The only movie set in real time." Johnny Depp's daughter is randomly kidnapped in a train station and he must kill a politician in 90 minutes or she dies. I felt as though I had been kidnapped and shot after this 90 minutes of shite.
  3. Hook – Two precious hours of my life wasted. I was so angry after seeing this film I felt like smashing Tinkerbell over the head with a ball-peen hammer. Why does Robin Williams make so many truly awful movies? Seriously. This film made Mork and Mindy look like high art.

A little slice of 1987 on the internet. Visit KAOS -- Central
Huh? 24? (none / 0) (#289)
by Ranieri on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:10:28 AM EST

Nick of Time - This one was billed as "The only movie set in real time." Johnny Depp's daughter is randomly kidnapped in a train station and he must kill a politician in 90 minutes or she dies. I felt as though I had been kidnapped and shot after this 90 minutes of shite.

Sounds suspiciously like they dragged the rotten corpse of this film out of the closet for the TV series "24". Incidentally it might be a lot better as they can take a bit more time to do things. Also, i noticed they had the brilliant idea to keep the time rolling during commercial breaks, alleviating some of the tedium.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]

Ah, sweet, sweet commercial breaks (none / 0) (#362)
by Ming D. Merciless on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:56:14 PM EST

If only the audience was given the luxury of being sold over-priced consumer garbage, hemorhoid medications and laxatives every 20 minutes for three or four minutes at a time during this film. This could have relieved the audience of a good 20 minutes of agony.

I haven't seen 24 -- haven't had a television in 2 years. While they don't actually have a stopwatch ticking in the corner of the screen for Nick of Time, the camera is continuously cutting to closeups of clocks, pocketwatches, hourglasses, sundials, the celestial march of the planets, whatever to keep continuously pounding home the point that time is running out. As if the audience isn't able to deduce the forward pointing arrow of time for themselves.

BTW: Some of you may say I am obsessed with this film. Not so. It's just that the horror was so great as to etch each and every retchid frame on my retinas so that I shall be reminded of mankind's capacity for evil for all eternity.

A little slice of 1987 on the internet. Visit KAOS -- Central
[ Parent ]
I don't watch TV either, (none / 0) (#397)
by ODiV on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:31:17 PM EST

but I rented a couple DVDs of 24 and I am quite enjoying the series.

[ odiv.net ]
[ Parent ]
Striptease (none / 0) (#259)
by hugues on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:08:20 AM EST

I can't believe I went and saw that tripe.

Other really bad ones from semi-recent memory.

Alien resurection
Holy smoke
The green mile
Mission impossible II
Mission to Mars
Con air
The man in the iron mask

I've never walked out of any film yet, but I came closest to doing that when I saw `the cook, the thief his wife & her lover'.

High School Confessions (none / 0) (#260)
by Blarney on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:51:11 AM EST

The worst movie I ever saw was a rented VHS tape titled "High School Confessions". It was rented by a couple of stoners who thought that it would be porn, but they were just high and misled by the title.

In fact, it is a story about troubled kids who are helped by a big-hearted, inspirational businessman who retires from his work and becomes a high school counselor. There is a girl who lacks self-confidence because of a large scar on her face from a car accident, a boy who has given up on education and fallen in with a vicious gang of thugs, and a computer nerd who spends all day and night in his room hacking on his Apple II. He helps them all - by buying the girl sexy new clothes and a stylish haircut that covers the scar, by hiring a private tutor for the gangbanger, and by giving the nerd a job at his companies IT department. However, he is suffering terribly because his wife is cheating on him - so he decides to kill himself by walking through a bad neighborhood while giving $100 bills to everyone he sees until he is robbed - and he asks the robbers to beat him to death. He is saved by the kids who noticed him missing from school, and the thug kid uses his gang membership to convince the other gangstas not to kill the counselor. The counselor now realizes himself that life is worth living, and they all live happily ever after.

Of course, the second worst movie I've ever seen has to be Battlefield Earth.

the plot to this (none / 0) (#273)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:22:59 AM EST

would make very good gossip at the dinner table. :D best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Two words: Howie Long. (none / 0) (#261)
by ratdesang on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:57:09 AM EST


I was bored and out with a broke friend of mine. On his insistance, we saw Firestorm. I paid for both of us. It was horrible. Firestorm almost magically walked the line between bad and campy. Not bad enough to mock, but bad enough to be really bad. I guess I was frozen in terror, because I sat through the whole movie.

In the weeks to follow my friend apologized so much I lost count. It was that bad.. Seriously.

No Contest: Battlefield Earth (none / 0) (#262)
by Juppon Gatana on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:07:40 AM EST

Since I live in Manhattan, this bad boy cost me a tidy $10. In a large theater empty but for 25 people, I watched this monstrosity from start to finish. By the end of the movie, people were shouting out dialog for the characters and laughing at the general absurdity of it. Most of this "sci-fi thriller," however, was so bad it wasn't even laughable. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to walk out on a movie I had just paid $10 for. It was an all-around horrible experience.

- Juppon Gatana
(Nou aru taka wa tsume wo kakusu.)
The only nice thing ... (none / 0) (#277)
by zerth on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:31:16 AM EST

I can say about BE is that the whole "vine-covered city" scene would have gone nice in Fight Club as a flashback-y series of shots inbetween the fadeouts where Tyler is talking about climbing "wrist thick kudzu", etc.

Now if I hadn't payed any money to see it and I was completely drunk at the time, I might have had something else to say, but instead I have to go scrub my brain now.

*shudder* Are/were the books that bad?

Rusty isn't God here, he's the pope; our God is pedantry. -- Subtillus
[ Parent ]

well (2.00 / 1) (#269)
by auraslip on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:35:20 AM EST

I Don't feel like listing bad movies, (most movies made, which is suprising because you would think people who spent their lives making movies would feels bad qualms for making shitty movies) so  I shall list movies that I was pleasently surpised by:
Gattaca, Must watch movie
Amelia, so cheasy but I couldn't help but smile after it was over
Red planet, what I did see of it (first hour) surprised me quite a bit: decent sci-fi! in a movie wow.
all the alien movies, except for the 3rd one. They all look so nice (in that scary way).
evil dead 2

Oh yeah bad movie (to the point of being funny):
Teen witch, a 80's disney T.V. movie
try to download this song from the movie "I like boys"

i liked (none / 0) (#271)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:21:05 AM EST

amelie! best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Me too! (none / 0) (#301)
by DodgyGeezer on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:22:30 AM EST

I liked it too. Very French. Very refreshing after Hollywood formula-isms.

[ Parent ]
totally (none / 0) (#313)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:45:31 AM EST

i thought that it was so charming and cute! best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
Amelie (none / 0) (#370)
by m3000 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:39:20 PM EST

Amelie is my probably my most favorite movie of all time. It's the first film I've ever bought a poster for, as well as the soundtrack. I love it!

[ Parent ]
Let's see... (3.33 / 3) (#270)
by codespace on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:57:44 AM EST

I watch a lot of movies, so naturally I tend to see a lot of bad movies. Here's my list, in order of overall repugnancy:

1. Queen of the Damned

This movie was probably the first movie I'd ever seen in the theater that literally made me angry for having wasted so much of my time. I didn't pay for it, I got in on a preview pass, but I still felt cheated out of one hundred and one minutes of my life.

2. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention to this piece of steaming tripe all that much, because I was far more interested in my then-new girlfriend (2 years and counting, now), but from what I saw and heard, the movie was perfectly suited to a direct-to-video release.

3. Dungeons and Dragons (2000)

There was a Wayans brother in it. And not the smart bald one. Need I say more?

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey

I'll probably get reamed for putting this on my list by some highbrow intellectuals, but I don't care. The movie sucked donkey balls. It took one hundred and thirty-nine minutes of my life from me, and I'll never get that time back. It's quite possibly the single most boring movie I've ever had the misfortune to see. The only part of the movie I found entertaining was Dave's interactions with HAL, and the classic line "I can't let you do that, Dave...". Other than that, the movie's a complete washout.

5. Mulholland Drive

Here's another one I'll probably get chewed out for, but again, I don't care what you think. This movie was barely intelligible, over-acted, and overall completely disjointed. There was no discernable plot thread, the entire movie seemed to be shot in the kind of focus they use in TV movies and newscasts, and the completely random hardcore lesbian sex scenes seemed thrown in just to get the director off. David Lynch should be shot for creating such utter refuse.

today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.

2001 (3.00 / 1) (#290)
by GiTm on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:17:38 AM EST

Yes, excellent short story - pretty good book adaption of the movie - really, really boring movie.

But the worst ever SciFi movie I've seen is Star Trek: The Movie. Even worse because I'm a fan of the original series - and the movie was nothing like it. It actually seemed like a take-off of 2001 - trying to out-deep it in terms of concepts.

I for one prefer to see movies for escapism and enjoyment - neither of these movies provided that.
--- I have nothing funny to say here.
[ Parent ]

Mulholland drive (none / 0) (#300)
by asjo on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:18:40 AM EST

> 5. Mulholland Drive

Did you see Lynchs "Lost Highway"?

[ Parent ]

Not yet... (none / 0) (#432)
by codespace on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:46:45 AM EST

Would it be worth it? Or is it just as disjointed as Mulholland Drive?

today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.
[ Parent ]
Lost highway (none / 0) (#507)
by asjo on Sun Jan 12, 2003 at 12:04:21 PM EST

> Would it be worth it? Or is it just as disjointed
> as Mulholland Drive?

Even more so, I'd say. If you don't like that, it's probably not worth it for you. I enjoyed it immensely.

[ Parent ]

Sacrilege! (4.00 / 1) (#304)
by flimflam on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:39:33 AM EST

I'm not a highbrow intellectual, but 2001 is one of my favorite movies! You probably just weren't stoned enough when you saw it.

-- I am always optimistic, but frankly there is no hope. --Hosni Mubarek
[ Parent ]
The book (none / 0) (#359)
by driftingwalrus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:18:48 PM EST

There where some big, important hunks left out of the movie that you really need to understand it.  You REALLY need to read the book to understand 2001: A Space Odyssey.
"I drank WHAT?!" -- Socrates
[ Parent ]
2001 (none / 0) (#369)
by m3000 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:37:05 PM EST

I agree, they should make the book required reading to watch the film. The movie makes a lot more sense and is a lot more interesting after reading the book (which is among my favorites).

[ Parent ]
Well... (none / 0) (#430)
by codespace on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:41:58 AM EST

I read the book, and quite enjoyed it. But the translation to the audiovisual medium wasn't what I'd consider a good move. I stand by my review; wretched movie.

today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.
[ Parent ]
Cinematography (none / 0) (#499)
by driftingwalrus on Tue Dec 03, 2002 at 10:39:44 PM EST

I feel it is important to keep in mind that Stanley Kubrick wasn't so much a writer as he was a cinematographer.  From a cinematographic perspective, I don't think anyone can dispute the awesome talent that 2001: A Space Odyssey displays.
"I drank WHAT?!" -- Socrates
[ Parent ]
Yes! (none / 0) (#503)
by codespace on Thu Dec 05, 2002 at 06:09:37 AM EST

I agree with you wholeheartedly, the movie was a visual feast. Unfortunately, it was not simply a visual; there was audio, and a plotline. Oh, and a great deal of "god this is fucking boring" thrown in for good measure.

today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.
[ Parent ]
Well... (none / 0) (#442)
by flimflam on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 09:32:29 AM EST

I agree that reading the book makes the movie a bit more understandable, but I didn't really think it was such a great book. Keep in mind that the movie wasn't made from the book -- they were created simultaneously, and that Kubrick was pretty much equally responsible for the story as was Clarke. The book just seemed much to straight-forward to really provide the same sense of poignancy as the movie.

-- I am always optimistic, but frankly there is no hope. --Hosni Mubarek
[ Parent ]
2001 (4.00 / 1) (#312)
by wumpus on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:29:32 AM EST

Watch it with the best audio and biggest screen.

It also takes a certain attention span (nothing happens for 10 minutes at a time). I watched it as a teenager on VCR and decided "it was like watching glaciers move". Later I saw at a college full size screen, and was impressed. Your mileage may vary.


I'll have to stick in the Phantom Menance here, since I won't watch the latest rip-off

PPS. Robert Pirsig wrote a bit about filming for a film adaptation of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintence. It seems Hollywood simply reflexively makes a movie if a books sells well enough. I'm pretty sure somebody trashed it before it was too late, but this would have been one of the worst movies ever made.

[ Parent ]

that's it (none / 0) (#374)
by tichy on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:48:55 PM EST

BOB is on your tail now. You really don't want to play with fire.

[ Parent ]
2001 (none / 0) (#384)
by ThreadSafe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:04:25 PM EST

I agree 2001 is a pile of shit, I'm a big kubrik fan but i don't see how anyone could possibly stay awake during odyssey.

I think the soundtracks make most of his movies

Make a clone of me. And fucking listen to it! - Faik
[ Parent ]

Interestingly enough... (none / 0) (#433)
by codespace on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:50:39 AM EST

Kubrick commissioned a soundtrack to be composed by Alex North, but scrapped it in favor of existing works of classical music.

today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.
[ Parent ]
Mulholland Drvie (none / 0) (#401)
by j0s)( on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:34:33 PM EST

The point of this movie was to be weird. You were supposed to go to work the next day and say to your friends "i saw the weirdest movie last nite" the same way youd say "i had the weirdest dream last nite". it was supposed to mimmick your mind dreaming. the twists and turns and non of it connecting. the same thing that happens in those really weird drems where you cant piece it together.

other than that, the frist time i thought it was shit too for the simple fact i couldnt put it together. but later i realized it and looked into it. i enjoyed it a lot becasue i was so into the movie, tryign to figure out what the hell was happening and what ti meant.

-- j0sh -- of course im over-dramatizing my statements, but thats how its done here, sensationalism, otherwise you wouldnt read it.

[ Parent ]
Contact. (4.50 / 2) (#272)
by Keepiru on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:21:10 AM EST

Amidst all these messages of movies that people walked out of, I have to mention Contact.

I did NOT walk out of this movie.  I actually really enjoyed this movie.  However, I ALMOST walked out twice.

First time was when she travelled out to the other planet, and saw dad.  I got out of my seat, and was  walking out of the theater, with a horrible, gut-wrenching feel of disgust.  I couldn't believe that such a wonderful movie had somehow pulled such a horrible trick on me, after fascinating me for an hour and a half.  Just before I made it outside they relented, and admitted it wasn't really her father.  Thank the gods, this movie was saved.  I returned to my seat and eagerly started swallowing it up agian.

The second time was when they asked her if they were really supposed to take her entire account of everything "On faith".  I didn't actually get up this time, but I had that same sinking feeling that they were going to pull a stupid movie cliche on me, and totally characterfuck her.  Even after two hours, I would have walked out.  After what seemed like a very long pause, she fortunately DIDN'T say yes, and I got to keep my seat.

Anyway, despite toying with my emotions, they avoided the great pitfalls, and this movie is now high on my list of favorite movies.


I read the book. (none / 0) (#367)
by static on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:32:08 PM EST

And the movie was definitely better.

Sagan got a little carried away in the novel and his characters weren't well enough defined, IMHO. And having just one person travel the space tunnels in the machine was a much much much better plot device than sending five.


[ Parent ]

hm (none / 0) (#409)
by Work on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:08:19 AM EST

i enjoyed the book better. I rather liked its cat and mouse game between the religious right and the machine builders (which the movie ignored mostly).

I think the movie cut too much out.

[ Parent ]

It wasn't her dad! (none / 0) (#393)
by Chuq on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:08:13 PM EST

I know if people don't know this, or ignore it, but it wasn't her dad - the alien just took the image of her father so she wouldn't be freaked out by looking at an alien (maybe it would freak her out more seeing her dad, but she seemed to understood what was happening)

[ Parent ]
Yes, reread my post (none / 0) (#490)
by Keepiru on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 02:05:54 AM EST

Yes, I know it wasn't her father.  That's why I ended up not leaving.  :-)

[ Parent ]
this is a really cool topic (1.00 / 1) (#283)
by tweetsygalore on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:46:32 AM EST

and charles taylor IS the best reviewer! best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
Worst. Movie. Ever. (4.25 / 4) (#288)
by jethro on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:44:12 AM EST

Oh my GOD. Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

It was SO bad, I repressed having seen it.

My wife and I rented it shortly after getting married (and getting a TV and VCR...) It was her idea, she liked the book or something.

Two hours, TWO hours of seagulls, crappy emotional music and whispered voice-overs. TWO HOURS. And it makes no sense!

I was bored out of my MIND, but I didn't want to leave or turn it off or anything, fearing I'd offend my wife or something (newlyweds, y'know).

When it was FINALLY over, I was like "Well... that was...uh... that was... different."

It was then that I noticed SHE WAS ASLEEP.

She had fallen asleep about 10 minutes into the thing.

I told her I'm not watching it again, but she can go ahead and watch it alone. She said "Oh. well, if it's that bad I don't want to watch it."

To this day whenever she complains about movies I make her watch, I can still go "It's better than that damn seagull movie!"

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kinky.
I'm going to cop it for this (none / 0) (#305)
by bowdie on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:42:07 AM EST

But I hated, hated, hated Citizen Kane.

There, I said it. I hate the "Best movie ever made"

citizen Kane (5.00 / 1) (#336)
by YellowSnow on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:31:35 PM EST

Correct , a vastly overrated waste of celluloid, a director's/actor's ego trip. "Look what I can do, deep focus, optical printing, ham acting, Hearst baiting" but even if it wasn't so highly rated for these reasons I would dislike it solely because it completely fails to involve me emotionally, I didn't care about a single character or where the story was going next at any stage.

[ Parent ]
yes yes! (none / 0) (#421)
by bowdie on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:56:11 AM EST

I could not have said it better. My feelings exactly.

[ Parent ]
I was replying to YelloSnow. (none / 0) (#496)
by bowdie on Tue Dec 03, 2002 at 06:25:21 AM EST

I can see how CK could be described as good, and belive you me, I tried to enjoy it. But I couldn't. I got it, I just didn't like it.

[ Parent ]
my take on Kane (none / 0) (#481)
by SocratesGhost on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 09:45:35 PM EST

Kane is a film that is more of a psychological study, not of the characters, but of the audience. Because we see Kane from so many contradictory angles, we can't ascribe a personality to him. He's completely unknowable in spite of all the evidence. As a result, whatever personality you find in Kane, I would venture, is character traits you see in yourself, good or bad. That was my experience, as well as my amateur analysis of my friends' response to Kane's personality. One of them thought he was too materialistic (of course he was the most materialistic of my friends). Another thought he was too demanding on his friends (and so was my friend). My melancholic friend thought Kane was a very sad and lonely man. Yet, in all of these, there is evidence for the opposite. I think we respond to Kane (the man not the movie--you can still think it sucks but this analysis still applies) because we see ourselves in Kane.

I drank what?

[ Parent ]
worst movies (2.00 / 1) (#307)
by crazycanuck on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:49:07 AM EST

orst movie I've seen in a cinema: "kings of comedy" or something like that, with standup-comics bernie mack, cedric the entertainer and a bunch of others. it's was not funny and it was racist (but hey, it was black-against-white racism, so it was ok, you know?)

worst movie I've rented is "the fast and the furios"

Very subjective (4.33 / 3) (#308)
by DodgyGeezer on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:53:41 AM EST

For every movie one hates, there's somebody who really liked it.  But this variety is what makes people interesting though.  My opinions are probably very different to a majority of movie fans, and might even irritate people ;)

A friend produced some passes for Solaris on Monday.  What a load of pants!  It was so bad I was tempted to go back on opening night to laugh at the queue of people who had actually paid to see it.  It reinforced my views on James Cameron (what a pretentious prick with no ability other than over-priced special effects), and left me rather disappointed by Steven Soderbergh.  The best bit of the movie was Hollywood actually managed to portray two married adults behaving normally: laying around naked without it having to be sexually motivated.  Hollywood normally seems to be excessively prudish even by British standards.

I would nominate most Hollywood summer blockbusters too.  The last one I went to see was The Perfect Storm.  That was pants too.  I knew better than to go and see it knowing that it was a summer blockbuster... I guess I felt disappointed with myself for giving in to marketing.  Never again.

At the end of the day though, I am offended by cinema ticket prices (C$26 for my wife and myself when a DVD rental is C$4).  There are very few films coming out of Hollywood these days that justify the price.  It all seems cliched, unimaginative formula crap.  The last big revolutionary film (it had story and character development too!) was The Matrix.  What's more, I'm sick of their re-writing history, e.g. U-571, a movie that was a direct insult to the living relatives and the memory of all the British Royal Navy and Merchant Navy servicemen who died in the N. Atlantic - the US hardly had anything to do with the N. Atlantic naval battles, let alone capture an Enigma machine.  There's artistic license and the need to entertain... and then there's bullshit.

I guess I'm just tired of Hollywood and it's flock of over-hyped talentless "stars" who flock there like moths to a bright light.  What is it with people's obsession with these egotistical people?  I can even be in the same room as the TV when shows like Entertainment Tonight are on!  Whatever happened to believable stories with real characters who ong could believe in?  When I lived in the States, PBS was my breath of fresh air.  Here in Canada, TVO, Show Case and BBC Canada fill the void.  Bah humbug to the rest of sheep feed.

BTW, I'm not dissing everything.  I enjoyed the second Harry Potter, and am looking forward to the second Lord of the Rings, which is fullfilling my life long dream of a faithful cinematic reproduction of my favourite book.  The Matrix Reloaded is going to have to work hard though to have the impact the first one did... if Hollywood gets its hands on it too much, it'll come across as a cash-in on the first and rip the fans off sequel.  I'm not cynical.

U-571 (none / 0) (#331)
by Bad Harmony on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:49:58 PM EST

the US hardly had anything to do with the N. Atlantic naval battles,


U.S. Merchant Ships Sunk or Damaged in World War II
U.S. Naval Armed Guard Casualties During World War II

Subxtantial numbers of U.S. ships (Navy and Coast Guard) and aircraft were involved in ASW operations and escorting convoys in the Atlantic.

54º40' or Fight!
[ Parent ]

U-110 was captured before US entered war (4.00 / 2) (#339)
by DodgyGeezer on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:43:04 PM EST

Talk to me about bullshit.  The Enigma machine was captured 9th May 1941.  The US wasn't even in the war at that point!

First look at your two links: they're identical!  Secondly, the numbers for the N and NE Altantic are 80 + 129 for the WHOLE war.  The U-Boats sank 224 ships between September 1939 and June 1940.  USS Greer wasn't even sunk until September 1941 (I believe it was the first US Navy ship sunk by the Germans).  360 merchant ships alone were sunk (at the cost of 8 U-Boats) by mid-1942, which was when the US finally started getting it's convey system fully functional.

No, don't talk to me about bullshit: you're full of it.  U-571 was complete unsubstanciated bullshit.

[ Parent ]

Fifth Element (none / 0) (#315)
by Corwin on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:55:49 AM EST

On the one hand, I am suprised that nobody has mentioned this already. Oh the other hand, it seems to make sense as I am the only person in my circle of friends that didn't absolutely fall in love with this movie.

I couldn't find a single redeeming quality about this movie. Every single one of the characters was annoying and the premise was ridiculous. I use it as my benchmark for theatrical repulsiveness and will ocassionally find myself thinking, after seeing a bad movie, "Well, it was better than 5th Element."

Really, none of the movie made sense. I couldn't even suspend my disbelief sufficiently to enjoy the Bruce Willis gunfights (which is apparently one of the main reasons all my friends fell in love with it. I think that Mila Jovovich might have something to do with it as well, but they haven't admitted it yet)

I have to ask, what in heavans name makes so many people like this movie? I've tried to understand, but I simply cannot figure it out.

I'm in search of myself. Have you seen me anywhere?
Hm. (4.00 / 2) (#318)
by LukeyBoy on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:38:13 AM EST

I liked it a lot. It was a pretty decent high-budget science fiction movie, which is really rare. I actually enjoyed the plot, even the characters. The scenery was excellent in the city, the floating paradise ship, etc. To each their own though.

[ Parent ]
I liked 5th element (none / 0) (#375)
by godix on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:50:42 PM EST

"I have to ask, what in heavans name makes so many people like this movie?"

I can answer that one. The biggest reason I liked 5th element, and I would have hated it without the reason, is that I saw Independence Day the week before I saw it. After seeing 5th Element I could say 'Hey, it had a weak plot, poor characters, and was nothing more than some frenchmans idea of glitter and flash, BUT AT LEAST IT WASN'T INDEPENDCE DAY!' I probably would have enjoyed watching a four hour movie about Jar-Jar Binks discussing trade agreements with Ewoks right after seeing Independence day.

- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]

ID4 (4.00 / 1) (#386)
by Corwin on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:32:34 PM EST

Ironically, I rather enjoyed Independance Day!

Hm, I now have a theory as to why I can handle one and not the other. Independance Day was straight out science-fiction with its aliens, even if it was horribly flawed. Fifth Element, however, didn't seem to know wether it wanted to be sci-fi (aliens, space travel, fancy weapons) or fantasy (magic stones, Leelou as the second coming, and the great evil asteroid)

I guess I like my stories to have some vague idea of what they want to be doing. FE was all over the place.

I'm in search of myself. Have you seen me anywhere?
[ Parent ]
ID4 vs 5th Element (4.00 / 1) (#412)
by godix on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 01:37:25 AM EST

Ok, there's where we differ. ID4 tried to carry itself off as straight sci-fi, and it sucked royally at it. Not only did if screw up the science part in almost any scene it could, it screwed the the fiction part by stealing plot points from damned near every SF movie since 1950.

On the other hand, 5th Element didn't take itself that seriously. Sure it was highly inaccurate with science and yes it did steal plot from quite a lot of previous movies, but it was going for an almost B movie quality of fun (I think it achieved this much better than Mars Attacks, another movie that tried it). What you view as a vauge idea of what it wants to be doing I view as the only thing that made 5th element good.

- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]

5th Element (4.00 / 1) (#415)
by jck2000 on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:04:30 AM EST

As others have said, what redeems the 5th Element is that it is made by a Frenchman, and so it neither takes itself too seriously nor is too focused on being self-parodic -- had an American been at the helm, I would bet one or the other would have been the result. That and ...

1. Chris Tucker as DJ Ruby Rhod (I still laugh when I think of him).

2. Bruce Willis playing another Bruce Willis character.

3. Gary Oldham as the villian -- especially his American southern accent.

4. The blue Diva's solo.

5. The deaf composer during the big shoot-out.

6. The rubbery-faced aliens.

Milla was cute, but her performance was painful.

[ Parent ]

Multipass? (none / 0) (#418)
by Ranieri on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:43:20 AM EST

(I still laugh when I think of him).

Now that is exactly why i liked this film. Whenever you think about it, it continues to amuse. To this day, whenever one of my friends mentions "Multipass?" or "Supergreen!" it is always received with warm laughter.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]

"Say that again ?" (5.00 / 1) (#317)
by acheon on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:21:17 AM EST

Well, I've read each and every comment posted so far and there is something I can't keep to myself : About half of the listed movies were good, or at least not that bad. Some movies are given as pure crap and they don't deserve it -- while SW Ep.2, Austin Powers and Spiderman are barely listed.

I'm trying to define what is a *very* bad movie and what isn't :

=>A *very* bad movie is almost unbearable. Period. Going out of the theater after 10 mins isn't merely enough -- you must require all your willpower to do so without vomiting your bowels first. Battlefield Earth, Jurassic Parc III are good examples.

=>A movie isn't bad because you don't understand it. Best example so far is Gladiator. A movie with strong plot and very well done, as long as you're not completely ignorant of the Roman Empire history and can follow politics (this is beyond the mob's reach I know). Oh, and Commodus being the lamest character in movie history is intentional and central to the story -- it doesn't make the movie bad. If you don't get it, don't comment on it.

=>A *very* bad movie MUST take itself seriously. It must either try to convince you it is good (Hannibal, at least all the spots that were mutilated by evil Ridley Scott) or it is funny (Scary Movie 2). A movie like Final Destination is actually funny and doesn't take itself seriously, so it's not that bad. You've even got a couple good laughs like when some stupid blonde get squashed by the supersonic bus ;).

The Matrix (3.00 / 2) (#322)
by batlock on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:57:14 AM EST

Yes, that's right! The Matrix is the worst movie that I have paid too see:

  • The story lacked every bit of originality.
  • The acting was bland, especially Keanu Reeves.
  • The action scenes were boring.
  • Bad music.
  • Stupid dialogue, filled with pseudo-deep filosofical nonsense.

Definitely the worst movie ever.

Batlock, Magical Truth-Saying Bastard...

Damn right (none / 0) (#344)
by oooga on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 02:56:57 PM EST

Why does no one else think so? BTW, is that a Spider Jerusalem quote there or am I hallucinating?
Taking my toast burnt since 1985
[ Parent ]
Blinded by the Hype (none / 0) (#413)
by batlock on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 01:54:24 AM EST

Why does no one else think so?
Because they're blinded by the hype. So was I, until I saw the movie.
BTW, is that a Spider Jerusalem quote there or am I hallucinating?

Batlock, Magical Truth-Saying Bastard...

[ Parent ]
Agree and disagree (4.00 / 1) (#377)
by omegadan on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:20:57 PM EST

I'm going to agree that the matrix wasn't a *good* movie, but I thought it was entertaining.

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley
[ Parent ]

You tell 'em, brother!! n/t (none / 0) (#392)
by Lord Snott on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:01:17 PM EST

This sig in violation of U.S. trademark
registration number 2,347,676.
Bummer :-(

[ Parent ]
Agree (none / 0) (#399)
by Riktov on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:25:17 PM EST

The Matrix and Star Wars episode 1 were the worst two movies I've seen in the last four years. At least I didn't have to pay for either of them.

Jeez, I can't even remember what the title of Star Wars ep 1 was... I must be losing my memory, but in this case maybe I should be thankful.

[ Parent ]

do sequels count? (none / 0) (#323)
by anotherda5id on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:01:06 PM EST

jurassic park 2! i fell asleep, only time ever in a theatre, AND i had a coffee before we went to see it.

The worst two (none / 0) (#324)
by phybre187 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:03:09 PM EST

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Freddy Got Fingered are the two worst pieces of utter garbage I ever paid to see. To Kevin Smith's credit, JaSBSB was supposed to be garbage, but to Tom Green's misfortune, I don't think Freddy was.

Tom Green (5.00 / 1) (#351)
by gnarled on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:30:54 PM EST

I really doubt that Freddy Got Fingered was made in a serious way. It was meant to be more garbage than JaSBSB. It is actually quite funny at points and when you see it with your friends it leaves you many quotes to say such as, "I only see one LeBaron Freddy."
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule. -Randal, Clerks
[ Parent ]
Jay and Silent Bob (none / 0) (#363)
by Ming D. Merciless on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:59:06 PM EST

So I take it you've never seen Mallrats then? I haven't seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but I can't conceive where it could be worse than Mallrats. Kevin Smith even publicly apologized for Mallrats.

A little slice of 1987 on the internet. Visit KAOS -- Central
[ Parent ]
Kevin smith (5.00 / 1) (#365)
by omegadan on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:29:32 PM EST

The problem with *all* kevin smith movies is they are just vehicles for dialogue. This wouldn't be so much a problem if the dialogue was good, but KS's writing is contrived and full of pop-psychology rants that are truely meaningless.

KS is like that kid you knew in school, the one who was really talented but he really didn't know quite how to put it all together.

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley
[ Parent ]

Heh... (none / 0) (#434)
by TurboThy on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:56:49 AM EST

I misread you last line as:

K5 is like that kid you knew in school.... I actually like that analogy and find it quite fitting. But perhaps that why I read it like that in the first place >-)
'Someone will sig this comment. They will. I know it.' [Egil Skallagrimson]
[ Parent ]
You are the one who sucks the balls.... (1.40 / 15) (#383)
by ThreadSafe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:59:59 PM EST

cock smoker

Make a clone of me. And fucking listen to it! - Faik
[ Parent ]

The Fast and The Furious (none / 0) (#326)
by ROBOKATZ on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:13:41 PM EST

This is the worst movie ever. There will never be a movie worse than this, unless they make a sequel. What's bad about it? Take your pick:

- Plot. Supposedly this is a remake, but the plot seems completely ripped from Point Break. And what little plot there is was totally predictable -- especially if you had seen Point Break!

- Realism. Four words: "Ten Minute Drag Race". And every one of those cars was a piece of shit.

- Characters. I hated them all. I wanted the trucker to kill them all in the end (come on, they were hijacking him!), I wanted the main character to die just because I hated him. All the characters were alike. I could not tell them apart, either characterwise or physically (they literally all looked the same to me).

- I could go on but I'd rather not think about this movie any more.

Up until I saw The Fast and The Furious I wouldn't have known for sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was. Ernest Goes To Camp, maybe. That at least has the excuse of being a kid's movie. But immediately after seeing this movie, it became crystal clear to me that the Fast and The Furious is without a doubt the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen.

Really depends on what you invest in a movie (none / 0) (#327)
by GoofyBoy on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:16:02 PM EST

Examples: 1. Evil Dead 2 - Dumb movie, but it was great if you have friends to laugh at it with you. 2. Eraser - Pay big money at the theater and have high expecations from big budgets and actors and you disappoinment will be even greater. 3. 4 Weddings and Funeral - I loved it, but it wasn't alot of people's cup of tea. Thats fine but its highly dependent on the person and their mood at the time. Basiclly, get a decent DVD setup and rent. Its worth it because you haven't put up alot of investment for a single movie.

Erasurehead (5.00 / 1) (#329)
by Argon on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 12:35:48 PM EST

I've noticed that all movies that most people nominate fail to please, for one reason or another, but do not disgust. People regret the time spent on the cinemas, only because they feel it was a waste of time.

Erasurehead is diferent, you don't feel you waste time watching this movie, you HATE the time spent seeing this movie. I could tell you the story, but I don't think there is one.

It has passed some years since I've watched it, and I still have nightmares with it. Ok, not about the movie it self, I just dream that someone makes me watch it again...

You mean Eraserhead? (none / 0) (#338)
by the on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:34:17 PM EST

I saw that 4 times in the theater. It's a masterpiece!

The Definite Article
[ Parent ]
Eraserhead - Yes that was it! (none / 0) (#342)
by Argon on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 02:17:29 PM EST

Saw 4 times?

You are kidding? You are my hero... Or completly deranged. :)

Tell me, what was the real purpose of it all?
The head falling, the kid catching the head...
The skined rabit head? The child with the rabit head...
I don't know, perhaps it has an hidden meaning. But I never caught it. Perhaps if they said something during the entire movie...

[ Parent ]

I'm serious (5.00 / 1) (#410)
by the on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:10:24 AM EST

I loved that film. I haven't seen it for a few years now though maybe I'll get it on DVD.

Tell me, what was the real purpose of it all?
I think you're trying to do the wrong thing with this movie. It's not an encrypted channel through which David Lynch is trying to communicate with you. Well, maybe it is, but not on a conscious level with a clearly defined message that just pops out when you have the key.

At the very least, Eraserhead is funny. But what I really like about it is that it's just about the closest I've ever experienced in a movie to a dream. It has that same disjointedness and sheer bizarreness that dreams have. That makes watching it an interesting experience. Not every movie has to tell a story. There are many other things you can do with 24 frames per second and an audio track.

The Definite Article
[ Parent ]

I don't think they've released it on DVD. (none / 0) (#426)
by Dirty Liberal Scumbag on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:45:47 AM EST

I can't even find a tape copy of it. I would kill to get my hands on a copy of the thing. Only seen it once; kind of like a blur, now.

On an off-topic note - have you ever seen "Beloved?" (done by the guy that did Shadow of a Vampire, I think)

I am now whatever you wish me to be to excuse your awesomeness.
[ Parent ]

That movie was fucked up (none / 0) (#441)
by revscat on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 09:13:13 AM EST

...and not in a good way. On some level I am glad that I saw it, but I will certainly never watch it again. I like David Lynch, but that one was just way too far out and disturbing for my tastes. I appreciate what he did, but didn't enjoy it. If I wasn't supposed to enjoy it then Lynch was successful, but whatever the case I try and steer friends away from it. Blue Velvet and Mulholland Dr. Those were great. Eraserhead was just some weird postmodern experiment gone horribly awry. IMHO. -= Rev.

- Rev.
Libertarianism is like communism: both look great on paper.
[ Parent ]
Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy D (none / 0) (#333)
by sakusha on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:21:10 PM EST

It was more than 4 years ago, but I still consider Robert Altman's "Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean" to be the worst movie of all time. Featuring Cher, Sandy Dennis, and Karen Black. It's a movie adaptation of a play that takes place in one room. It's like being trapped in a room with whiney women for 2 hours. No, I take it back, watching this movie IS 2 hours of women's whining about how their lives suck. Just to give you an idea of how horrible this film is, it's not available on tape or DVD or any other format. It's just gone. Good riddance. With luck, maybe Altman burned the master negative. Believe me, this is far worse than Battlefield Earth or anything else you could imagine. It will be almost impossible to surpass Altman's achievement in the Worst Film category.

Rented Dune nt (none / 0) (#340)
by pnadeau on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:49:31 PM EST

"Can't buy what I want because it's free, can't be what they want because I'm..."  Eddie Vedder

Collateral Damage... (none / 0) (#341)
by WickedET on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 01:49:50 PM EST

..is the worst movie I've ever seen and probably the worst I ever will see.

We went to see it because, we wanted to see a bad movie. I had hoped it would be at least ridiculous, so we could make fun of it and the the rest of the audience. Schwarzenegger seemed to have some self-irony sometimes.

But: Huge disapointment! This movie is boring, has not fucking little bit of humor or irony, plus: It propagates an Ideology, which makes me throw up.

I think Schwarzenegger is dead.

Jurassic Park (none / 0) (#343)
by YellowSnow on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 02:46:14 PM EST

Laura Dern in a crisp white T-shirt and its pissing with rain, absolutely hosing it down, does the tee get wet? does it buggery! I still feel cheated and robbed.

Shallow Hal (none / 0) (#345)
by doormat on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:09:15 PM EST

Went and saw it with some friends who were in town for comdex last year. Thank god I only had to pay $5.50 since they had a student discount.


Crooklyn (none / 0) (#346)
by espresso_now on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:17:38 PM EST

What a lame movie... thank god I only paid $1.50.
-- This will get attached to your comments. Sigs are typically used for quotations or links.
Triple X (none / 0) (#348)
by Mephistopheles on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:25:31 PM EST

I can't believe that no one has mentioned this horrible, horrible James Bond parody yet. Heck, even 'Goldmember' had a better plot than this POS!

That's not the point of the movie... (none / 0) (#366)
by m3000 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:32:07 PM EST

There isn't supposed to be a good plot for Triple X. It's merely a vehicle to watch things blow up and see some extreme sports for 90 minutes. If you go into the movie expecting nothing more than to be entertained, then you'll walk out happy. I agree that the plot was awful and the dialogue was terrible, but I still enjoyed the movie because seeing things explode and snowboarding down a mountain look pretty damn cool and that's what I went to see it for.

[ Parent ]
I agree... (none / 0) (#419)
by Ranieri on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:51:28 AM EST

I'm usually rather difficult when it comes to films (some of my friends would say I'm VERY difficult), but I went in with low expectations and came out with a satisfied feeling.

Although the basic premise is the same (Secret Agent must prevent Bad Guy from destroying World) this is not Bond. In fact, the sheer level of bluntness expressed by the main character would be enough to classify it as anti-Bond. The characters are silly and the plot is predictable but it has no pretentions, what you see is what you get.

Of course, with Asia Argento I'm easily content.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]

Full Frontal, Eclipse, Rushmore (none / 0) (#349)
by Will Sargent on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:27:31 PM EST

Full Frontal was the worst movie I've seen recently.

The absolute worst movie was "Eclipse".  It was about two twin brothers who've never met.  Just awful.  Halfway through I got out a book and started reading it.

The Royal Tenenbaums or Rushmore is also pretty bad.  Rushmore gave me the creeps:  I walked out halfway through because I felt like I was watching a really bad porno movie with no sex.  

The common thread in these movies is that the director is trying to impress film students.  Poor bastards.

Finally, Eye of the Beholder (which is supposed to be an action movie, I think) is a total shambolic mess, but is at least well intentioned.
I'm pickle. I'm stealing your pregnant.

Oh, and Magnolia (none / 0) (#353)
by Will Sargent on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:41:32 PM EST

For the same reasons.  Wasn't a patch on Boogie Nights.  God that was embarrassing; you can tell he'd watched Short Cuts and copied bits.

Incidentally, I tried looking up Eclipse at imdb.com and it's been expunged from the film records.  

It's a movie about two twin brothers, separated at birth.  One is an auto mechanic, the other is a mafia guy, and they don't know of each other's existence.  They're both played by a reasonably well known white indie actor who I remember as looking kind of like Kevin Kline.  There's also a black woman who researches the two births and finds out that they are... twins!

Anyone else remember seeing this film?
I'm pickle. I'm stealing your pregnant.
[ Parent ]

Wow, I just topped myself. Soul Survivors (none / 0) (#422)
by Will Sargent on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:56:41 AM EST

I just saw the worst movie ever on HBO on Thanksgiving today.

This review explains it all. A sample quote: "I wouldn't show this movie to Hitler."

I'm pickle. I'm stealing your pregnant.
[ Parent ]
Equinox (none / 0) (#437)
by endah on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 07:26:56 AM EST

Hey, it's Equinox, not Eclipse - with Matthew Modine.

I thought it was great, so there.

[ Parent ]

End of Days (none / 0) (#357)
by mabman on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 03:53:41 PM EST

End of Days with Schwarzenegger. He absolutely murders his lines. Gabriel Byrne actually does a passable devil-in-human-form, but Arnold ruins it. Nasty.
Mmm, forbidden donut....
Worst movies (none / 0) (#360)
by starheart on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 04:41:40 PM EST

My all time worst movie was Mad Max, the original. I sat through this and my mind slowly went numb. I slept through part of Star Wars: The Phantom Menance the second time. Anything with Adam Sandler in it isn't very high on my list. Many Michael Crithon books doesn't make good movies. Congo and Sphere are two that come to mind. I am a big fan of Star Trek, but not of it's movies. Star Trek just doesn't adapt well. Star Trek V had to be the worst. Star Trek II was the best, because it was most like a tv episode. It looks like the latest ST:TNG movie about to come out will rank right up there with Star Trek V. Get Shorty was bad. A.I. is number two on my worst movies list. Waterworld was pretty bad. Battlefield Earth was pretty bad. Jurassic Park was good, but it's sequels royally sucked. U-571 went nowhere fast. Magnolia was bad.

Event Horizon. (none / 0) (#364)
by pwhysall on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:11:51 PM EST

Cruciform ship. Sets nicked from Alien. Sam Neill trying to be evil. Sub-Ken-Russell blipvert orgies. A script that seems to have been written on the fly by teenagers who severely overestimate their own writing talent.

Nuff said.
K5 Editors
I'm going to wager that the story keeps getting dumped because it is a steaming pile of badly formatted fool-meme.

Event Horizon! (none / 0) (#379)
by starheart on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:24:25 PM EST

I had forgotten about Event Horizon. I think that takes second in my book, which bumps A.I. to third.

[ Parent ]
Come on (none / 0) (#450)
by anon868 on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 01:44:29 PM EST

that's one of my favorite movies of all time.
Open a window. No, not that one! One made from actual glass, set in an acual wall, you dork.
[ Parent ]
The Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship Of The Ring (2.50 / 2) (#371)
by p0ppe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:39:38 PM EST

yeah bring on the flames. That movie sucked. I'm no Tolkien fan though.

"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."
Damn you! (none / 0) (#391)
by Souhait on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:19:48 PM EST

Why'd it suck? You can't just flame Lord of the Rings and not back it up with some hard arguments. Bastard.

[ Parent ]
you wanna know why? (none / 0) (#417)
by tralfamadore on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:15:08 AM EST

here's why: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/50reasons.html

[ Parent ]
ROFL! (none / 0) (#420)
by Ranieri on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:54:00 AM EST

Extremely good, epsecially the bit with the 'Massive' CG orcs wearing tennis shoes...
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
casting (none / 0) (#495)
by cicero on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 08:44:18 PM EST

# Casting. Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?
I was starting to formulate responses to this guy's reasons for lotr sucking. But i just can't argue with this, and everything I was going to say has completely slipped my mind.

I am sorry Cisco, for Microsoft has found a new RPC flaw - tonight your e0 shall be stretched wide like goatse.
[ Parent ]
Hooray! Wisdom prevails!! (2.00 / 1) (#395)
by Lord Snott on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:09:41 PM EST

It DID suck, and bad. I'm a big Tolkien fan, and I couldn't believe the way people were talking about how good it was and it stuck so close to the book. IT DIDN'T.

The movie completely destroyed the point Tolkien was making with the Hobbits (fun loving, mischievous, playful in the opening scenes - THEY'RE HOBBITS not friggin leprechauns), and what the hell was that magic-driven Van-Damn punch-up between the two wizards? THEY'RE WIZARDS for godsake.

Liv Tyler?!?!?! I don't remember her carrying Frodo across the stream in the book, Strider didn't NEED a love interest at that point in the movie! (Which is why it wasn't in the book!)

The 1978 version was better!! (Yes, that cartoony thing)

Peter Jackson was cool, but has proved himself AN ARSEHOLE. Bad screenplay, melodramatic acting, obvious CGI, misrepresentation of the characters, I'M GETTING MAD JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SHIT!!

I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie I hated that movie.

This sig in violation of U.S. trademark
registration number 2,347,676.
Bummer :-(

[ Parent ]

Suckage. (3.33 / 3) (#423)
by Ranieri on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:56:50 AM EST

I'm a big Tolkien fan, and I couldn't believe the way people were talking about how good it was and it stuck so close to the book. IT DIDN'T.

That's because the book sucked even more.
And because they had to keep the film under 10 hours in length or they might get sued for inducing Deep Vein Trombosis bloodclotting.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]

i didnt like it much either. (2.00 / 1) (#407)
by Work on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:56:06 PM EST

After 2 hours i began to think:

A. My ass is going numb.

B. When does this end?

[ Parent ]

Poll (none / 0) (#373)
by The Solitaire on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 05:47:47 PM EST

I used to work at a video rental place (Roger's Video for the Canadians out there). Dear god did I see a lot of crap... free rentals lets you rent all those movies with only one copy on the new release wall. Typically they're either really interesting "art" films, or utter shlock... but I digress.

I always used to give people their money back when they came back in and said that it sucked bad. But it started to piss me off after a while, because the same people would try it again and again, even though I made a habit of telling them on the first occasion that I wouldn't do it for them again. Really, Roger's didn't have an obligation to make sure that the movie you want was good - that is for you to decide. The worst one I ever had was a customer that came in and rented some schlocky piece of shit off the new relese wall, and then came in and said it was shit and wanted to rent another one for free. I said no problem, but only this once. Then he came back with the next one and demanded that I give him his money back. His reason? He rented some Sharon Stone movie (shortly after Basic Instinct had come out, I don't remember the title), and she didn't get naked.

I need a new sig.

Dude, Where's My Car? (none / 0) (#381)
by kuro5hinatportkardotnet on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:35:26 PM EST

Nothing more needs to be said about this one.


Libertarian is the label used by embarrassed Republicans that long to be open about their greed, drug use and porn collections.
Monkeybone (none / 0) (#382)
by birdsong on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 06:46:06 PM EST

Well, there's always Monekybone. Brendan Fraser as some animator who gets stuck in the world of one of his characters. Whoopi Goldberg as Death just _does_ _not_ _work_.

IMDB's entry

Movies that aren't shit (none / 0) (#385)
by ThreadSafe on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 07:15:42 PM EST

Not that i expect anyone to care, but I'm going to go against the grain and list some movies that aren't complete dog's bollocks :

CLockwork Orange Jay and silent bob strike back Sex and Zen Ace Ventura 2 Payback Freddy got fingered Shindler's list South Park the movie

I can't stress enaough how everyone should watch Sex and zen, it's about a dude who wants to shag all the women in the world, but can't so some guy cuts off his knob. Then he get's a horse cock sewn on to replace and goes and pays out the fiorst guy. Fucking funny. HIRE it.

Make a clone of me. And fucking listen to it! - Faik

Umm... (5.00 / 1) (#431)
by Gully Foyle on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:42:04 AM EST

If something is the dog's bollocks, it means it's good.

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh
[ Parent ]

Maybe to you.... (3.00 / 2) (#462)
by ThreadSafe on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 09:29:53 PM EST

Ball licker

Make a clone of me. And fucking listen to it! - Faik
[ Parent ]

No! (5.00 / 1) (#491)
by Gully Foyle on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 06:29:25 AM EST

You are the one who is the ball licker!

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh
[ Parent ]

I will (none / 0) (#497)
by ThreadSafe on Tue Dec 03, 2002 at 04:12:22 PM EST

fuck your mother while you watch and cry like a little bitch

Make a clone of me. And fucking listen to it! - Faik
[ Parent ]

OK (none / 0) (#498)
by Gully Foyle on Tue Dec 03, 2002 at 07:33:45 PM EST

Here is the pulse. And here is your finger, far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.

SAY, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

If you weren't picked on in school you were doing something wrong - kableh
[ Parent ]

Mad Max III (none / 0) (#388)
by synik on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:11:58 PM EST

I loved Mad Max II, but I just can't seem to sit through Mad Max III. I always get bored and go do something else faily soon into the movie.

I also hate with a passion anything staring the Olsen twins when they were kids (I haven't seen anything with them as teenagers yet). When I lived with my parents, my sister used to watch movies starring them over and fucking over.

Nothing But Trouble (none / 0) (#390)
by jr416de on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 08:18:47 PM EST

Was nothing but bad

man... I remember going to see that. (none / 0) (#394)
by ODiV on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 09:09:33 PM EST

I was sooo pissed off. It was probably one of the only truly bad movies I'd seen at the time (I was pretty young when it came out).

[ odiv.net ]
[ Parent ]
Triple X (none / 0) (#398)
by k31 on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:18:46 PM EST

The lack of realism in the stunts was almost unbearable, they show a totaly disrespect for the laws of physics.

For example, how could someone start an avalance whilst travelling on a passive (non-powered vehicle), and then go on to outrun snowmobiles (powered vehicles) which started at a further distance ahead of the avalanche?

Lies of the worse kind.

On the other hand, The Matrix was good because there was a reason for any physics-defying stunts... in that universe, the laws of physics were mallable and subject to change in the presence of sufficient sentient will.

Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....

hmm (2.50 / 2) (#405)
by redhotchil on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:35:47 PM EST

perhaps you'd like to see a movie where i drop two weights and we test the laws of gravity, and they apply! or maybe a movie where we ride a bike into a stop sign just to prove that a stop sign beats a bike.. jesus

people go to movies because they aren't real and because the defy the laws of physics, etc

on a lighter note: i ain't seen no respect from no physics yet, why should i respect it?

[ Parent ]

explosions (4.50 / 2) (#435)
by pantagruel on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:59:30 AM EST

i can't remember where I read this but someone recently said that explosions in Hollywood films are no longer loud dangerous things that hurt people but rather an exciting and highly efficient mode of transportation from one end of the screen to the other.

[ Parent ]
R.O.T.O.R. (none / 0) (#403)
by Ricdude on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 10:54:19 PM EST

A friend of mine used to work in a movie theatre, and came back to college one summer with this really cool looking picture of a skeleton-type robot (like Terminator), standing over a flaming, wrecked motorcycle, and the tagline, "Judge. Jury. Executioner."  The movie's name was R.O.T.O.R.

We found it at Blockbuster one night, and decided to rent it.  The movie is like an ultra low budget version of Robocop, but the robot is programmed to "Judge and Execute" instead of "Serve and Protect".  Oh no! What a horrible mistake.  About 15 minutes into the movie, we decided to skip ahead to see if there was anything interesting in it.  We watched the whole movie on fast-forward/scan mode, and even at that speed, the car chases were pathetically slow and boring. I think there was one explosion in the whole movie, and it never heppened near a motorcycle.  Nor could you ever see the robot's skeletal form for more than a brief insert.  

The poster for the movie was by far the coolest thing about it.  By far.  If you surf the net, you can find a few more detailed reviews of it.  Heaven help you should you embark on such a quest...

Leaving Las Vegas (4.66 / 3) (#404)
by bahowen on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:19:58 PM EST

If I had wanted to watch someone get drunk and act like an asshole for two hours, I would have gone to a family gahering. Nic Cage got an Oscar for this?

what a riot! (1.00 / 1) (#445)
by tweetsygalore on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 11:22:03 AM EST

your comment is such a classic...haha! :D best, C
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
[ Parent ]
The most underwhelming movie I've ever seen... (none / 0) (#406)
by SubPar on Thu Nov 28, 2002 at 11:45:30 PM EST

I recently rented a comedy that is very often spoken of in a good light by people with interests similar to mine. And it turned out to be the most underwhelming I've ever seen.

Office Space.

I even had a hard time figuring out what was supposed to be so funny about it. I couldn't find anything in that movie that Dilbert hadn't been doing better for years. It probably has to do with the kind of jokes it contains being far better suited to a comic strip. The plot was thin, the end was a cop-out, and the most talked-about parts just didn't live up (ooh, they took his stapler, that's so funny).

I want that 90 minutes back.

Hype is the problem. (none / 0) (#424)
by Ranieri on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:58:49 AM EST

I dug it up from the cheap rentals pile and found it quite the pleasant surprise.
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
ugh (none / 0) (#408)
by wrinkledshirt on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:08:02 AM EST

Dogma, Michael, Fierce Creatures, Blood and Wine, Frankenstein (De Niro and that insufferable Shakespearean twit), Dark City...

Those six represent $50 and almost half a day of my life that I can't get back. Bleah.

Thank God, though, because even though I know there are probably more, my brain has mercifully locked away the memories of them.

Yet another perfect example of taste... (none / 0) (#438)
by Romax on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 08:23:23 AM EST

I liked Dogma... No matter why, another man's trash is another man's treasure, I guess.
.: Max Romantschuk :: http://max.nma.fi/
[ Parent ]
blatant appeal to authority (none / 0) (#464)
by wrinkledshirt on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 12:52:06 AM EST

Filthy Critic's Review of the movie.

I try to respect people's rights to their own opinion, but in this case I really can't. You, sir, should be shot.

Just kidding.

[ Parent ]

Dogma... (none / 0) (#440)
by karolo on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 09:02:00 AM EST

rocks, saw it twice in the cinema (mind you, I got student discount then)

[ Parent ]
Normally, I'm an art geek. (4.00 / 1) (#427)
by Dirty Liberal Scumbag on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:59:23 AM EST

I can rattle off every movie Kurosawa ever had a hand in, recite all the dialogue from (PLACE NAME OF FRENCH FILM HERE), and would let David Lynch anally violate me, given the oppurtunity.

However, I also enjoy a lot of crap, as long as its entertaining. I liked Dungeons and Dragons. I liked Mortal Kombat. I thought RE was a lot of fun. I laughed through Dude, Where's My Car. Hell, I even don't even regret the four bucks I popped down on Battlefield Earth. However, there are two movies that linger in my mind as complete and total wastes of film.

From the obscure art side, there's Baise Moi. This was porn, straight and simple, trying to masquerade as a "serious movie about aggressive feminism." Hell, the Houston 500 was better - at least that gave me and my buddies a drinking game.

And then there's Wing Commander. I saw that one in the theater. I sent an automated email to Chris Roberts every day for the next few months demanding that I get my money back for this shlock.

An honorary mention, I suppose, would go out to Gangasaurus Rex. Not nearly as funny as I thought it would be.


I am now whatever you wish me to be to excuse your awesomeness.

oh, l'humanité (none / 0) (#436)
by c4miles on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 07:07:39 AM EST

Didn't actually see it, but a coupla friends of mine went to see a french art house movie called l'humanité.

0 minutes: a hill. field in front, horizon behind. It's twilight. Nothing happens.
3 minutes: on the brow of the hill, a tiny figure appears screen right, walking.
3-8 minutes: the figure traverses the screen, tiny on top of the hill, finally disappearing off the left hand side.
8-11 minutes: nothing happens some more. my buddies begin to develop a certain suspicion about the next sequence of events...
11-16 minutes: ... which proves correct as the figure appears screen left, and begins to traverse the screen again, this time to the right.
16 minutes: my friends leave, get a refund and go get very drunk.

Humanity indeed.
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.
L'humanité is great (none / 0) (#444)
by linca on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 11:17:41 AM EST

And much more happens in this movie than in any blockbuster. Your friends just have too short an attention span.

[ Parent ]
Yes, and... (none / 0) (#469)
by John Miles on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 12:26:42 PM EST

... if you have a good attention span, you can do anything at Zombo.Com.

In fact, I'll bet they have a "Making Of L'humanité" documentary in there somewhere.

For so long as men do as they are told, there will be war.
[ Parent ]

Thank you John Miles (none / 0) (#472)
by Meatbomb on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 02:07:57 PM EST

With zombo.com, my life has gained new meaning. Thanks to you. I feel so much more...unlimited.


Good News for Liberal Democracy!

[ Parent ]
Bounce with Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck (none / 0) (#446)
by tweetsygalore on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 11:32:28 AM EST

i usually like gwyneth paltrow's movies and i sometimes think that ben affleck is cute. but both of them couldn't salvage this bad movie. i wanted to see this on the big-screen; fortunately, my friends refused to go --- they kept saying it sounded melodramatic and bad --- so i ended up watching it on video when it came out. and i'm just so, so glad THAT i never saw it on the big-screen because i would have ended up wanting to scream right there and then in the theatre and that has never happened before.
After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer (none / 0) (#448)
by S1ack3rThanThou on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:31:17 PM EST


"Remember what the dormouse said, feed your head..."
Wrong (4.00 / 1) (#492)
by kphrak on Mon Dec 02, 2002 at 01:18:18 PM EST

Yes, it would have been completely worthless drivel...except for the ending sequence. Hopefully you didn't walk out before you saw it, because it was almost worth seeing the rest of the movie.

The leading lady and her man are now living together, perhaps even married (although I doubt it). He's on the crapper, she's walking around the house, and the creepy music starts playing again. Now last time, it had a "happy" ending, i.e. she got another note, but it was an invitation to some hooch-party. So everyone, including me, figures it's going to end the same way, considering how little the plot differed from the one in the first movie.

She walks out on the balcony, looks around, and gets ready to turn back in...

...and suddenly she's yanked off her feet by something, the camera flips over to the ground, and you get a quick close-up of her face as she screams. Behind her, pulling her off the balcony with his hook, is the hate-filled visage of the Fisherman, whom they buried in the last scene.

Every teeny-bopper in the place just about crapped their pants with fright when they witnessed this. I was laughing so hard, I almost did too.

Describe yourself in your sig!
American computer programmer, living in Portland, OR.

[ Parent ]
Historical and cultural revisionism (none / 0) (#449)
by jamesm on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 12:40:11 PM EST

Just scratching the surface here:

Dances With Wolves: White guy gets down with the injuns.
Dangerous Minds: White chick saves the ghetto kids.
Elephant Man: Noble upper class guy saves the freak (opposite of what actually happened).
Just about every Vietnam film: Portrayal of an American tragedy, or some variation of going back to "win" by saving MIAs.
Blackhawk Down: Leave no truth behind.
The Patriot: Slavery never looked so good.
Braveheart: Why let a little thing like history get in the way of a few hundred million dollars?
Pearl Harbor: Unsurprising, on so many levels.

Mel Gibson (none / 0) (#485)
by aaron on Sun Dec 01, 2002 at 12:08:52 AM EST

The Patriot: Slavery never looked so good.
 Braveheart: Why let a little thing like history get in the way of a few hundred million dollars?

These two (and The Patriot gets my vote for the worst movie I've actually purchased -- that's what I get for buying it unseen) make me wonder just what Mel Gibson has against the British.  I keep hoping he'll make Ghandi II (see UHF) just for the chance to kill more Brits.

[ Parent ]
If you have two hours to live... (none / 0) (#452)
by jforan on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 02:15:55 PM EST

Watch "Safe".

The worst movie ever.  By a lot.  Halfway through, you will feel as if you have lived another 40 years since the movie started, and will be happy to die just to get the movie over with.

And at least one of those Siskel/Ebert guys gave it a thumb up.  Crazy.


I hops to be barley workin'.

Anyone ever seen the wrong movie by mistake ? (none / 0) (#453)
by salsaman on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 02:41:34 PM EST

Some friends of mine and I went to see 'Legend of Sleepy Hollow' and ended up accidentally sitting in the wrong theatre by accident. We were about 20 minutes into the film before we realised our mistake, but we decided to stay and watch the other film instead, since we'd already missed the start of 'Sleepy Hollow'.

The other film was 'Bone Collector' which was pretty awful in itself (mainly due to the laughable ending and unbelievable plot); doubly so since we'd not even wanted to see it in the first place. Amusingly, a few months later I was travelling on business and staying in a hotel. The entire few days I was there, the only film on the hotel's movie channel was 'Bone Collector', this time dubbed into German. The German version was even worse than the original, the voices didn't even sound right.

So my vote for the worst movie I've ever paid to see goes to 'The Bone Collector, German edition'.

(OK strictly speaking I didn't pay to see the German version, but you get the idea...)

great side story (none / 0) (#478)
by omegadan on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 07:19:09 PM EST

A buddy of mine worked at this movie theatre a few years back, there was this horror movie at the time, I don't remember the name of the film (maybe someone will?), but it was about this police psychosis simulator software that somehow escaped the computer and took a physical form to kill people in all the disgusting ways psychotic softare would ... One of the most violent movies I've ever heard seen and truely the finest trash hollywood has to offer. This very elderly lady walked out of the movie theatre showing this movie - points to a poster lining the hall, "Babe" (a childrens movie), and says in her soft elderly voice, "Son, that movie isn't anything like the poster."

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley
[ Parent ]

Double Mistake (none / 0) (#454)
by exZERO on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 03:04:36 PM EST

I went to see "Wing Commander", mostly for the Episode 1 trailer.  

First off, I'll be damned if Wing Commander isn't among the worst game-to-movie conversions of all time(which just about every game-to-movie conversion is among as well), but beyond that, this was just BAD.  Freddie Prinze Jr. in a role that in the games would have been taken by Mark Hamill.  I shudder to think that this was actually made, and that I actually went to see it.

Worse yet, I saw it for a trailer for Episode One, another movie which was notably missing Mark Hamill, and full of bad acting.  Two mistakes.

You are all a bunch of amatuers (none / 0) (#458)
by Zara2 on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 04:58:42 PM EST

man, These are the worst movies you guys can come up with. Let try...

Dragon Ball Z the live action. A chinese production company cant get the US rights to use anything but the dragonaball name. Includes a wonderful scene of Master Roshi doing the blow job dance.

Any "From dusk till dawn" besides the first one. The entire series (3 movies) starts going down as soon as Cheech utters the best line that tarrantino has ever written. ("If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere... FUCK IT!!')

And of course, the lifetime golden turkey winner which I have never seen mentioned went to a film that was so bad it killed Bela Lugosi, Not his carreer but himself, as in in a coffin and not coming back from the dead. "Plan 9 from outer space."

Man, I was dissapoiinted. I was really hoping to find out some new bad movies to watch and make fun of.

Oh yea. The worst movie that I have paid the most money for. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I still don't believe that I watched that movie over 100 times in the theatre. I guess it was for the lingeree. ;)

No Contest; Battlefield Earth (5.00 / 1) (#459)
by limekiller on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 06:40:01 PM EST

Few movies get worse than Battlefield Earth. Let me quote from Roger Ebert's opening line in his review: ""Battlefield Earth" is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way. Having said that, this movie is closer to a HOWTONOT than a HOWTO, really. Viz:
  1. Never, EVER name your main character "Jonnie Goodboy Tyler." Ever.
  2. Never base a movie whose screenplay was written by a guy who insists that people -- meaning you and I -- are composed of clusters of thetans (like "wheat thins," but different) that are the spirits of dead space aliens, who were brought to earth 75 million years ago by an evil intergalactic tyrant named Xenu (or Xemu), and who were killed with hydrogen bombs in volcanos by him. These spirits were captured afterwards by Xenu on electronic ribbons, and were given implants (a form of engram) that kept them from remembering any of this. Since each of these thetans has a reactive mind, auditing must be performed on all of the millions or billions of these to get them to "blow" (be exorcised), at which point the primary (or operating) thetan controlling the body will realize his godhead, with power over matter, energy, space, and time (MEST), including the power to create galaxies and life. Because your movie will be very bad.
  3. When Hans Zimmer demands and extra ten grand to do the score, pay him. Taking the very worst, dramatic, sappily heroic coursing score ever to grace the silver screen and turning it up twice as loud does not help matters.
  4. Refrain from having your actors say, more or less, the same thing (in this case "leverage") ever minute or so. See the part about L. Ron Hubbard.
  5. If you're going to have a plot hole wide enough to have the Rockettes do a linedance through, maybe, just maybe, you should try and explain just a little. For example, Harrier Jump-jets do not sit on the tarmac for 1,000 years and lift off when you turn the key. And don't get me started on the issue of how good the jet fuel is.
  6. If your movie is not set in Jamaica and does not involve Jamaicans, do not give your actors dreads. I don't care if they're aliens. Just don't.
I could continue ...for a very, very long time now that I think about it, but why? This movie is actually so bad that I strongly recommend that everyone see it ASAP. It must be seen to be believed. Regards, Jason

the onion review of BFE (none / 0) (#477)
by omegadan on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 06:48:40 PM EST

The Onion while pretty marginal as a source of comedy, really does a fabulous job at *serious* movie reviewing. The Onion AV Club review of Battlefield earth is about as scathing a review for a movie as is possible. It's almost worth having seen BFE to enjoy the review. My favorite part of the reviewa small quote to entise...Not so much watched as lived through, Battlefield Earth is bad enough to make audiences ashamed to be part of the same species as the people who made it HERE

Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley
[ Parent ]

Supernova (5.00 / 1) (#461)
by Spongebob on Fri Nov 29, 2002 at 08:13:32 PM EST

Yes, Supernova.

It's by far the worst movie I've seen in the last years. Supernova is SO bad that the movie name appears at the ending credits!

I have to agree (none / 0) (#470)
by pingflood on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 01:16:52 PM EST

I try to go see just about every sci-fi flick released, so have a pretty high tolerance for bad movies. Supernova, however, was leaps and bounds beyond anything I'd been subjected to before. Eeesh!
Sell fitness equipment, make bucks. Cool affiliate program.
[ Parent ]
Subjectivity (3.00 / 2) (#463)
by OzJuggler on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 12:18:33 AM EST

Firstly, your opinion of a movie is an opinion about the total movie experience, including things like people talking in the cinema or whether you had a bad day at work beforehand. When person A says they hated movie M and person B says they liked it, these two statements are not in contradiction - they are not talking about the same experience. Our ability to talk about "the same movie" is an abstraction that only works so far.

Secondly, it is interesting to see what movies people are dissing here. The idea that anyone could NOT like the 5th Element was a foreign concept to me. It really does depend on what expectation you have for a movie before you see it. The movies which I have been skeptical about and still enjoyed are probably the best. eg Signs.

My worst 5 movies that I payed money for are:

  • 15 The Beverly Hillbillies
  • 20 Ali G InDaHouse
  • 25 Jackie Brown
  • 30 Speed 2
  • 40 Sudden Death
My movie reviews.
"And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together
at Osama's homo abortion pot and commie jizzporium." - Jon Stewart's gift to Bill O'Reilly, 7 Dec 2005.
3000 MIles to Graceland (none / 0) (#468)
by cowprint on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 11:33:48 AM EST

First 30 minutes was funny, Elvises (Elvii?) robbing a casino in Las Vegas. The movie then turned into something else, which was utter crap.

Close second: My Own Private Idaho - yuck!

Worst... movie... ever (none / 0) (#471)
by KILNA on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 01:21:47 PM EST

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace. Take everything you liked about Lawnmower Man (I know, for some of you, it is hard to find a thimble small enough to contain this). Remove ALL of the actors, writers or directors you may have liked from the first one, but leave in a few of the same greedy producers. Now find several pounds of feces, a lawsuit from Stephen King to get his name removed, and a blender. Press blended substance into a 5" disc. Butthead once said "You can't polish a turd, Beavis". Attempt polishing the disc to a shiny DVD-like sheen. Insert into DVD player, and enjoy.

I think there is some confusion... (none / 0) (#474)
by Bora Horza Gobuchol on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 04:04:15 PM EST

... between movies that are intentionally made bad and movies that strive to achieve greatness but are bad nevertheless.

Anyone walking into a John Waters movie believing that they are about to witness cinematic artistry is either deluded, ignorant, or misinformed. "Pink Flamingoes", for example, was quite deliberately made as a gross-out film. The same goes for most anything made by Andy Warhol.

"Plan 9 From Outer Space", on the other hand, was earnestly (if ineptly) made. It's terribly bad, but funny - although that humor is balanced if you know that Bela Lugosi, who starred in the film, was desperate for any income at all to feed his heroin habit at the time (and died halfway through filming).

Then there are movies that are made badly with tongue in cheek - "Evil Dead" and others.

Finally, there are those films that are made seriously, but are just bad. "Battlefeild Earth" has been mentioned many times. While I didn't pay money for it, I did stop John Carpenter's "Ghosts of Mars" at the point where Natasha Hestringe, having barely escaped an attack by Martian zombies, convinces her fellow survivors (against all logic) to go back and face the zombies again. I immediately trashed that movie. Similar, "Scary Movie II" I found deliberately offensive, as if the movie was crawling with filth.

Some of the objections in the posts below are founded not on a movie being bad so much as it being long or slow-paced, which I find sad. A movie in which things do not threaten to explode every ten minutes is not a bad or boring movie if it succeeds in making you think.

Personally, I've never walked out of a movie I've paid money for. I always remain in my seat, hoping (against hope) that there will be some new plot development, some interesting camera angle or line of dialogue. The nearest I ever got to actually leaving the theatre was during a screening of "My Own Private Idaho", which I found pretentious, empty and dull - but I waited it out anyway.

I think there are a lot of bad movies inflicted on the teen market simply because it's thought they don't know any better. I remember seeing "Band of the Hand" (with a theme song by Bob Dylan, no less!) during its initial theatrical run and barely staying in my seat - I remained mostly because it was the first film of a triple feature.

Nowadays I solely go to the cinema to see movies for the theatrical experience which I can't duplicate at home. A "Star Wars" or "Lawrence of Arabia" is designed to be seen 40 feet high, with THX sound. But an Eddie Murphy flick I can watch on my television (or more likely, computer monitor) without losing much. It also means I tend to lose far less - both financially and timewise - if I decide the movie is not for me.

-- "Don't criticise. Create a better alternative."
the worst of the badness. (none / 0) (#475)
by mdouglas on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 04:58:44 PM EST

1. the ring : apparently if you watch the nine inch nails video of the damned, you will die a horrible death a week later at the hands of shrieking noises & strobe effects. i knew i was screwed when the average age in the theater appeared to be 15. my comrades and i were so disgusted by this encounter that we fled immediately after it was over to procure a case of beer in hopes that massive quantities of alchohol could prevent the memories from being permanatly seared into our brains.

2. the matrix : starring a 4 x 8 sheet of plywood. whoa.

3. the crow 2 : what a stroke of genius casting the original assistant DA from law and order as the antagonist. if only jerry orbach had been cast as the crow everything would have been perfect.

4. 8mm : at least i got to see nicholas cage beat up by S&M Dilbert.

5. dark city : something involving an army of billy corgan's in overcoats.

6. very bad things : at least the title is honest

one movie i have yet to see that i know will be the bottom of the pit of badness is the classic "avenging disco godfather". this is the H-bomb of films for 'get a horrid movie and get drunk' night.

dark city (none / 0) (#480)
by renai42 on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 08:54:11 PM EST

by dark city, I am assuming you mean the film that roger ebert (probably America's most respected critic) named film of the year?

[ Parent ]
Giant-haven´t paid to see it.... (none / 0) (#476)
by Niha on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 05:04:29 PM EST

...but I´ve always wanted to say that it is a very bad film....
  Will it be so famous just because James Dean was one of the main characters?

The Million Dollar Hotel (none / 0) (#479)
by cockroach on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 08:18:24 PM EST


i've never seen so many people leave a cinema during the movie...

Webisoder - never miss another TV episode
my picks (5.00 / 1) (#484)
by Rainy on Sat Nov 30, 2002 at 11:52:25 PM EST

The worst:


The big Lebowski. Bowling is boring, bowling + washed up hippies are boringer.

Oh hicks, where art thou..

Chasing amy. Few funny moments, but otherwise it should have either been more philosophical or lighter.

Clerks. It's just too implausible to fuck the dead guy by mistake.

The story of a blind swordsman. A great fighter does not move around like a jug of beer.

Being John Malkovich. Worst name for a movie, ever.

Run, Lola, Run. That's the only movie where great music was used so unimaginatively.

Yes, I hate all of these movies and I know a lot of you will say I'm crazy..

But in all truth, I don't hate these movies. They're my favorites. I just saw comments saying movies like magnolia and umm dogma and jay and silent bob strike back are crap and I thought.. okay, I'll just write a review saying all the best movies are crap, if you are all so tasteful in reverse.

Seriously now, the worst movies are the bland polished vehicles that have no name. There's too many of them. I can't name even one because that'd give the whole legion of them a memorable face and the whole point of them is that they don't have one. If you see a submarine film that is precisely the movie you saw a week ago set in a north idaho farm (or something), then you'll hear me.
Rainy "Collect all zero" Day

Picasso Trigger: Best Name, Worst Flick (none / 0) (#486)
by Not Insane on Sun Dec 01, 2002 at 01:11:25 AM EST

Breakdown of user ratings at IMBD. Average: 3.8/10. I can't imagine anyone liking this film, but evidently, some do. I even found a sorta favorable review.

Best line from a review I agree with " It wants to be slick, sexy and action-packed. It succeeds only in appearing to want to be slick. It's slick in the way an oil spill is slick - greasy, slimy and foul smelling." (From File Thirteen. Rating: F).

This is an Andy Sidaris film, apparently a typical one. For some reason, I recognize Sidaris' name, but none of the films he's made, except this one. No, the Seven that he made is not the Se7en with real actors in it.

I've only walked out of two other films: Mommie Dearest and The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea, both because my dates wanted to leave. Both were my dates' choices.

Hm, Sailor is a pretty close runner-up for the best title.

planets are aligning (none / 0) (#504)
by demi on Thu Dec 05, 2002 at 05:13:17 PM EST

Andy Sidaris, Charles Band, Julie Strain, Golan-Globus, it's a cosmic conjunction.

[ Parent ]
You people do not know what a bad movie is! (none / 0) (#505)
by Rot 26 on Sat Dec 07, 2002 at 02:13:58 AM EST

The worst movie ever is, after careful thought, prolonged rumination and conferencing with friends and associates, inarguably, "The Doom Generation". This movie is beyond a shadow of a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen. Sure it had blood, guts, decapitation and female nakedness, but even that could not redeem it. It was just terrible. I could go on and on explaining why I think it sucked, but I don't think you'd really get the picture, so I suggest that instead you either (A) take my rather anonymous word for it or (B) rent it and see for yourself. You might think that the second option is the more sensible, but I'm pretty sure you'll change your mind about that after renting it.
--If you ever wanted *mindful* drivel, this is it--
The worst movies you've ever paid money for | 507 comments (477 topical, 30 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:


All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. The Rest © 2000 - Present Kuro5hin.org Inc.
See our legalese page for copyright policies. Please also read our Privacy Policy.
Kuro5hin.org is powered by Free Software, including Apache, Perl, and Linux, The Scoop Engine that runs this site is freely available, under the terms of the GPL.
Need some help? Email help@kuro5hin.org.
My heart's the long stairs.

Powered by Scoop create account | help/FAQ | mission | links | search | IRC | YOU choose the stories!