I have to say you are very brave for what you are stating. There was a time when I too felt just
like you probably do now, and I had a fear that "coming out" about it was somehow wrong.
At the same time, it wasn't any secret that had little to no dates in my life - but the fact that
I was a "virgin" for so long seemed like something shameful - something not to be utterred, especially
around other guys.
For me, it was something that basically started in junior high - when I think back on it now, being
12 or 13 and worried about not having had sex, it seems funny in a way. At the same time, seeing most
kids today (and even then, which wasn't that long ago) having sex early, I wonder if I missed out on
But I can't change the past, and I must move on.
In junior high I tried gaining "girlfriends", and honestly, despite what I knew, I had no concept of
"dating". I had no concept of "asking a girl out" - even though I watched more than enough shows that
showed the concept - somehow it never clicked.
In highschool, it sorta clicked - but I felt I needed to become friends with the girl first - that
there was some sort of "logical" progression; first friends, then dating, then ???
The problem was, up until that time, all I had experienced was rejection. Through junior high, and high
school, though - I had one best friend (and incidentally, we still visit with each other). He was a
"fat" guy, but happy, and we did some crazy shit together. We were both basically geeks (me a coding
geek, he more of a gaming geek - still is), and we both didn't have much going for us looks wise. We
were also both "desperate teenage boys". So, one day when he told me he "got the number" of this one
girl - I was shocked - and figured, "well hell, if he could do - so can I!".
It turns out that I managed to get the numbers of about 8 different girls - three of them on the
cheerleading squad (and all "hot babes"), and one who could have been a cheerleader (she had the
looks), but was instead in "honors" classes (ie, she was a GEEK with looks). Also, to put it in
perspective, I was not an "honors" geek - I was smart enough to know I didn't want EXTRA homework
(and besides, I needed more time for coding). The other girls would nice looking as well.
I talked to them all on the phone - but none ever seemed to really want to talk with me, and none
dared to be seen really talking with me at the school. I actually worked up the nerve to ask one out
on a date (ok, so I had the concept down by now), not knowing how I would get her to whereever it was
that we would go (it wasn't like I owned a car, or even knew how to drive - more on that later). I
even asked her "publically" (somehow, I thought this was something you "did") - ie, in the middle of
a classroom (chemistry class, IIRC).
She turned me down.
At that point, I stopped calling all of the numbers I had - and basically shut off everything relating
to girls (that isn't to say I stopped "dreaming" about them, or stopped looking at them - no way - but
the idea that I would ever date one seemed remote AT BEST). This was hard for me. Here I was, in high
school, and it seemed that there was never going to be a way I would get a date, be seen with a girl,
be taken as "normal". I didn't think my life was over, but I knew it was going to be different.
I continued to hang out with my friend (he wasn't my only friend, I had others, all geeks, all strange,
a couple I still see from time to time - one lives here in the Phoenix area with me, a couple of the
others work for Blizzard), as much as before. I never heard it said out loud, but I got this general
feeling, that still lingers, that I thought others at the school thought I (and him) were gay, that we
were somehow more than just friends.
Nothing could be further from the truth - we were just lonely, desperate teenage boys, who couldn't
get a date to save our lives (despite him getting that girls number, it never did him any good
That was the way it was through high school - after high school, we both immediatly left to come to
Phoenix to go to a technical school (probably both the best decision and worst decision in my life -
best for what happened after, and the people I met, and worst for not having gone to higher ed). We
spent a year here, living in an apartment near the school - and after that year we went our separate
ways: I found a job as a programmer for a local software development company, he ended up moving back
home, where he lives today (as I said, we keep in touch).
So, here I was, an adult - with adult responsibilities (rent, food, job, bills, etc) - no car (just a
bike), but I thought I was happy - I had a roof over my head and a good job, a couple of computers,
phone service (for bbs access at the time) - life seemed ok. After a while, though, something seemed
I didn't have any friends.
Sure, I knew people at my work, and my work was small enough that I became friends with many of the
people there (some, ten years later, I still keep in touch with). But you see them day in, day out,
and unfortunately they weren't geeks like you, and looked at computers with disgust when they got
home - so nothing meshed outside of work, so to speak.
I was OK at work - on the weekends I was ALONE.
Months, then a couple of years passed by - and I became desperately alone. Things seemed surreal at
my apartment, somehow "not right". My neighbor was a cool guy, but suffered from strange major migraine
headaches all the time. We didn't become friends, but we basically tip-toed around each others wierd
I tried placing a personal ad in a local free rag - but no dice. I tended to wonder if somehow people
just didn't really like me, and only tolerated me when I was around. To look at me, I was no prize. I
didn't have a car. I didn't make spectacular money. In essence, I was a nobody.
I then tried striking up a friendship on an "adult" bbs (yeah, one with pics - but adult access also
allowed you into the "personals" area, which is what I mainly wanted). I managed to have a great
conversation with a girl on there, at a daily rate - I finally asked to meet with her "for real". She
didn't seem to mind the fact that I had no car. I thought maybe something good could come of it all.
We drove out, far out - far outside of the limits of where I had been on my bike (and I thought I
ranged pretty far) - to a hill overlooking the city lights. It was a beautiful sight. But nothing was
to be. I didn't know whether I should make any "first moves" - or what. I was a complete passenger.
I had tried striking up regular conversation with her, but in real life, she wasn't very talkative, in
the least. She drove me home, and that was the end of that.
I felt pretty bad about it all - I wondered if I had done something, hadn't done something, presumed to
much, presumed to little. Looking back on the experience, I probably did all of the above, and then
some. Regardless, I felt worse than I had felt in the past. Things just didn't seem to be working out
right for me, in the opposite sex realm.
Some months passed by - and I got more and more depressed. I actually had a "breakdown" at my job - it
all just sorta "came to a head" - and I busted out sobbing and shaking. I ended up leaving my work for
the day (fortunately, everyone there was understanding, though they didn't know why I did what I did -
at the time, neither did I). I ended up sleeping the rest of the day and evening.
The next day, I realised that I really need a few things: To be accepted by society as "normal", to
have a friend I could really talk to, and to get laid. Somehow, I saw that last one as being part of
the first. Here I was, 20 years old, almost 21 - and I was still a virgin. That wasn't NORMAL.
I figured I had one last shot - I would try a personals ad again, but in the mainstream paper.
Now, you might wonder, why didn't I try a bar? Or a dance club? Or something else? Why the personals?
If you haven't been following my story - you can see that I am not a very social person, I was even so
back then. I had a bike for transportation. Can't exactly take a date out or home on that. Furthermore,
I disliked the taste of alcohol, and I didn't like crowds. So much for bars. Finally, I can't dance,
so there goes the final option (today, I like some alcohol, but only light stuff - with the exception
of peppermint shnappes - and I still can't dance).
The ad went out - and I thought "that's it - if I get nothing back on this, it is over - I will give up".
I ended up getting three calls: the first from a man with a coughing fit (emphesematic gay cruising the
straight side? I'll never know), the second from someone who said they were a guy but sounded like a
girl (I will never figure this one out), and the third from a girl who was going to college, and wanted
to have a fun time.
I decided, "what the hell - option 3 it is"...
My life has not been the same since.
She taught me everything I didn't know about life. We talked a whole hell of a lot on the phone, about
every little thing. What she did, what I did, our likes, dislikes, etc. When we first met, she came over
to my apartment, and we ended up talking some more. I talked - but I shaked like a leaf, and tended to
stay at one end of the couch - afraid that if I did something wrong, or something - she would leave, and
it would be all over.
We later talked some more on the phone, and she commented on my nervousness, and why I stayed away. I
resolved to get closer next time.
Well, to cut an already too long of a story short - we are now married. I happily lost my virginity to
her (on the 3rd date), she taught me how to drive, how to be in social settings, etc. Her family has taught me a lot about
life as well - and I am constantly learning more from them. We have recently bought a house...
I do have to say I am glad that I did "wait" so long before having sex (not that I made that choice).
For me, and I am not saying it is this way for everyone, but for me, there was a definite "before" and
"after" - I am not sure what it was, but it was something different - something "changed". I don't know
for certain, but had I "done the deed" when I was younger, I fear that I either would have missed it,
or I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.
I have also changed in a myriad of other ways - I act differently, I am more confident in myself, I am
more outgoing. I have tried to temper my geek ways with that of my new nature, and I have managed to
become a better person all around. I am still a geek, but I have more social graces and such than I did
I hope this helps you (and anyone else in a similar state) in some manner. I guess above all, don't give
up. I think sometimes we all just need to be able to talk and have someone else nearby. I think maybe in
my case it was the fact that my friends and family were all in another state, and I felt really alone.
That compounded with my sexual frustration just didn't go together very well. I was also naive about the
world (still am in some ways). But I managed to get through it. Realise also that there are friends to
be had out on the net - you may have to look hard, but they can be found. I would also suggest finding
some kind of meeting or club to go to, if you don't have a problem with groups (I still have problems
with groups - soon after meeting my wife, learning to drive, and getting a car, I got involved in the
re-startup of the local 2600 group, and made many new friends through it).