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[P]
The sole of a pedophile

By Rogerborg in Op-Ed
Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 08:07:40 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

We've seen some very interesting submissions here on K5 from people explaining their unusual lifestyle preferences recently. In that spirit, I've decided to share my story. For you see, I'm a pedophile.


I know what you're all thinking, but all pedophiles aren't the same. When pedophilia hits the news, it's always in a negative light. The guy that feeds his habit by kidnapping a trailer full of Nike's, the manager that opens his shoe store to find that some sicko has broken in and defecated in all of the ladies dress pumps, or the abusive pavement-pounding scourge that calls itself the Power Walker.

Please, look beyond the headlines. At its core, pedophilia is simply a love of all things to do with feet and walking. It doesn't even have to be shoe fixated or sexual - although who among us can honestly say that they haven't imagined how it would feel to perform some kind of bodily function into a pair of satin-look kitten heels, then slide our naked feet in and walk around the neighbourhood? There are many positive aspects to pedophilia: an increased knowledge of the shoe wear implications of various types of tarmac, slab and grass surfaces; a new found respect for the ancient process of cobbling; an awareness of the evils of sweatshops, and the crippled, damaged footwear that they produce.

There are as great a variety of pedophiles as there are "normal" sexual preferences. And if you think about it, what society considers to be normal is very arbitrary. If you were to ask any "normal" man what he likes in a partner, you wouldn't bat an eyelid if he answered that it was long legs, large breasts, other men, thirteen year old pre-operative transexual Thai ladyboys, or even freckled redheads. All of these are considered perfectly "normal" choices. So why not shoes? I personally am aroused by near-new sneakers. The heady blend of new shoe smell mixed with the slight aroma of healthy foot odour is astonishingly erotic, especially in a shoe still young enough to squeak but mature enough to flex without resistance. Sure, I'm realistic enough to know you can't keep them preserved in a box forever. The shininess of youth always has to give way to scuffing and cracking. When that happens, I find that I'm no longer attracted to them, but that doesn't mean that I don't still treasure them. I still love the shoes, I'm just not in love with them.

You'll see a lot of prejudice against pedophiles, with claims that pedophilia leads to a cycle of abuse. Not so, in only a very few extreme cases do pedophiles become hooked on expensive specialist cycling shoes. Most of us are perfectly normal people, leading productive lives, and limiting ourselves to positive activities like performing shoe maintenance for our non-pedo friends. And really, who does it hurt if I have a throbbing erection while I re-lace and waterproof a friend's pair of patent leather wing-tips? As long as I don't actually act on my urge to slather then in baby oil and rub them all over my body, what's the harm? I, in common with all the genuine pedophiles that I know, would never force myself on a shoe. We love shoes, we would never hurt them.

Of course, I dream that one day I will meet my perfect partner, a two week old Nike air pocket cross trainer with Day-Glo(tm) laces and the perfect blend of new and used aroma, of innocence and experience. And on that day, its owner will intuitively understand my needs and offer it to me, fully and unreservedly. And this does actually happen! There is a huge body of evidence supporting it. OK, the vast majority of it comes from anecdotes from other pedophiles, and it's next to impossible to separate genuine factual accounts from prurient fantasy fiction or manipulative propaganda. But it's commonly acknowledged that it happens abroad in foreign places all the time. I just don't have the links to hand right now, but I promise that I'll look them up and add them later.

If you are wondering how I came to realise that I was a pedophile, well, like a lot of people, I was helped to explore my feelings by an older partner. My Uncle Bob would entertain me as a child by pretending that one of my little blue galoshes was an elephant trunk. The attention made me feel loved and special; I offered him my galoshes willingly, he never used force or persuasion. As I grew, I became aware that Bob seemed to take great pleasure in making the "trunk" flex by breathing in and out ("huffing", as it is known in the pedophile world). At my prompting, Uncle Bob shared his secrets, and I was introduced - slowly and very gently - to the wonderful world of pedophilia, from simple canvas and rubber boat shoes all the way up to full kevlar reenforced leather bike boots. I was in control of the activities at all time, and I have Bob to thank for teaching me the lesson that you must always fit the boot to the foot, not the other way around.

If you find that you have pedophilic cravings, then please, do as I did and find a like minded group of people on the internet who can advise you on safe ways to start out. Too many newcomers to pedophilia are seduced by the raw sexuality of Kevin Kline's exaggerated "huffing" of a full length leather thigh boot in A Fish Called Wanda. Do not attempt this at home! In real life, it takes years to work up to this level. Kevin received special training and used a stunt boot under carefully controlled conditions. An amateur trying huffing could easily inflict serious damage to themselves, or worse, to the shoe. Safety first! If you join a group, you will also receive useful hints on socially acceptable ways to take the edge off of your craving. For example, I find that renting bowling shoes helps with my lingering feelings of societal-induced guilt, as I can always be reasonably sure that I'm not the first person to have ejaculated deep into the toe area before returning them.

And so my final plea. If your brother or wife tells you out of the blue one day that they are a pedophile, please don't overreact. The emotional damage and guilt that you can inflict far outweigh any possible dangers of pedophilia. Don't look for a cause or for someone to blame, and don't treat your relative as though they are a victim. A sexual fetish for shoes is no more "abnormal" or damaging than the perfectly healthy sexual relationships with men or women or small children or pets that society readily accepts. With your help, we can work together to build a truly tolerant and inclusive society for us and our children and our footwear.

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Poll
Most erotic 9th-10th century Anglo Saxon footwear
o Staeppescoh 15%
o Crinc 12%
o Tibracis 18%
o Slebescoh 30%
o Calc 24%

Votes: 33
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Related Links
o pedophiles
o A Fish Called Wanda
o Also by Rogerborg


Display: Sort:
The sole of a pedophile | 82 comments (44 topical, 38 editorial, 1 hidden)
Using pedophile to mean "child lover" (3.28 / 7) (#1)
by skim123 on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 06:55:46 PM EST

is not an incorrect usage of the word. From http://www.medfriendly.com/pedo.html:

Pedo- is a word part that means one of two things in the field of medicine:

1. Child. For example, see the entry for pediatrics, a medical specialty that deals with the study of the health, diseases, disabilities, and treatments of children during development, from birth through adolescence (a period of life ranging from puberty to adulthood). Puberty is the period of life in which the ability to reproduce begins. Puberty usually begins between the ages of 11 and 13. This meaning of "pedo" comes from the Greek word "pais" meaning "child."

2. Foot or feet. This meaning of the word comes from the Latin word "pes" meaning "foot."


Money is in some respects like fire; it is a very excellent servant but a terrible master.
PT Barnum


It's a bird! It's a plane! (4.55 / 9) (#3)
by DarkZero on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:10:09 PM EST

It's the joke flying right over your head!


The idea behind this joke was not to point out a problem with the use of the word pedophilia. It was a homonym joke, based on the fact that "pedophile" could reasonably be assumed to be either someone that loves small children or someone that loves shoes, even if the latter isn't a real word.

[ Parent ]
I had assumed it was a joke (3.00 / 1) (#11)
by skim123 on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:36:51 PM EST

aimed at either (or both) of those who have been infesting the diaries lately, bitching about pedophiles and those saying nothing's wrong with pedophilia. Does this have nothing to do with that innanity? If so, then, yes, I'm afraid the joke flew right over my head. I was a bit tiffed that this annoying topic had seeped from the diaries to the submission queue...

Money is in some respects like fire; it is a very excellent servant but a terrible master.
PT Barnum


[ Parent ]
Ouch (5.00 / 1) (#16)
by Rogerborg on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:54:27 PM EST

    I was a bit tiffed that this annoying topic [paedophilia] had seeped from the diaries to the submission queue.

I'd hoped that the topic and the second word of the title would have been fair notice. Now where's the <BLINK> tag for the "THIS IS SATIRE" alert... ;-P


"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Good point (4.00 / 3) (#18)
by skim123 on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 08:01:06 PM EST

I shouldn't have commented, just have voted -1, which I have now, and am finally content. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Money is in some respects like fire; it is a very excellent servant but a terrible master.
PT Barnum


[ Parent ]
Bah (5.00 / 1) (#20)
by Rogerborg on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 08:07:54 PM EST

    I shouldn't have commented, just have voted -1, which I have now, and am finally content. Thank you, and have a nice day.

You wait. It'll eat away at you from the inside. In five or six hours time, you'll come to your senses and rue your hasty decision, but by then it'll be too late, and you'll have to live with it on your conscience for ever. Is it worth the risk?


"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Trust me (2.66 / 3) (#24)
by skim123 on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 09:35:18 PM EST

It's Friday night, the furthest thing from my mind is my voting actions on kuro5hin. Perhaps the inevitible "eating away" will begin tomorrow.

Money is in some respects like fire; it is a very excellent servant but a terrible master.
PT Barnum


[ Parent ]
Unfortunately... (5.00 / 2) (#34)
by Vulch on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 09:48:05 AM EST

There are too many people around who think irony means the same sort of thing as brassy or coppery.

Anthony

[ Parent ]

Aaaah (none / 0) (#32)
by _cbj on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 08:59:48 AM EST

For a while into the article I thought it was pointing out the problem with 'pedophilia,' how Americans are confusing the term by omitting the 'a'. But would someone submit to K5 a veiled whine about horrific misinterpretations resulting from the tiniest, well-known differences in spelling? Yes, yes they would, and we all know it.

[ Parent ]
caligulophile? (none / 0) (#77)
by martingale on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 05:42:33 AM EST

That's all very nice and well, but what if they love little kid's replicas of ancient Roman soldiers' hob-nailed sandals? They'd have to be called caligulophiles, I guess. Rather disappointing, as one would logically expect another pedotistically inspired prefix. Bah, language is messy.

[ Parent ]
You are incorrect, my friend. (4.71 / 14) (#4)
by Apuleius on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:11:37 PM EST

Pedophilia means something completely different. Some people think it refers to the love of things related to the feet, but they should recall that the 'ped' prefix is Latin, while 'philia' is Greek. Pedophilia actually comes from the Greek word 'pedon', which means 'dirt.' And since we are in a confessional state of mind, I will state in the interest of full disclosure that from ages 3 to 9 I was indeed a lover of dirt, who took his sandbox toys to places dirtier than his sandbox, but I have since moved on to other ways to occupy my time. Like K5.


There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college. (The South Park chef)
And (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by Rogerborg on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:16:55 PM EST

    the 'ped' prefix is Latin, while 'philia' is Greek

And the plural of octopus is octopods or octopodes, but unfortunately only me and thee care.


"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Pick me, teacher, I'm ever so smart! (none / 0) (#52)
by notcarlos on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 05:49:04 PM EST

I, personally, employ the wrongheaded but oh-so-fun to say "octopoi", since *ahem* the Latin "us" can often be paralleled to the Greek "os", :. (ergo symbol) the "oi" plural. C'mon, say it!

He will destroy you like an academic ninja.
-- Rating on Rate My Professors.com
[ Parent ]
Overeducated (3.00 / 2) (#49)
by DarkZero on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 04:46:00 PM EST

I don't throw the word "overeducated" around much (or ever, really), but you, sir, are exactly that. When you get to the point where your knowledge of Greek and Latin hinders your ability to laugh at a simple, well-written homonym joke, your education has started to make you dumber instead of smarter.

[ Parent ]
How do you know he didn't laugh? (5.00 / 3) (#53)
by pexatus on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 06:17:56 PM EST

Maybe he laughed his ass off, then noticed that he had an opportunity to educate us. I didn't know the languages from which those root words originated before reading his comment.

Humor and education aren't mutually exclusive. This way, we get a funny joke, and we get to learn something, too.

[ Parent ]

You are half-right. (none / 0) (#62)
by Apuleius on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 11:16:33 PM EST

British pedants insist on the spelling of paedophile for perverts, and use this other meaning for 'pedophile' to chide those who use this American spelling. Ask the editors at the Register. Me, I'm just going along with the joke.


There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college. (The South Park chef)
[ Parent ]
Dirt? (5.00 / 1) (#61)
by jabber on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 10:48:40 PM EST

Well, that explains why the smell of patchoulli always gives me a hard-on. I guess I, too, am a pedophile.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

Mixing Latin and Greek (5.00 / 3) (#70)
by csmiller on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 02:17:36 PM EST

And tele-vision is mixing Latin and Greek. The correct word for 'far-sight' is telescope, which is already used. I remember reading somewhere that there were complaints about this basterdisation of language when TV was invented.

[ Parent ]
You're a sick man. (4.33 / 9) (#6)
by eLuddite on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:19:58 PM EST

Shoes are for walking all over the ugly, the poor, and the stupid. And before anyone gets any foolish ideas, this is done for their own good and not for any putative sexual gratification.

---
God hates human rights.

Well (3.00 / 2) (#8)
by Rogerborg on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:27:39 PM EST

    Shoes are for walking all over the ugly, the poor, and the stupid

I'd have mentioned stomp, but that's an abusive hobby that I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to try. In excess of seventeen stiletto heels were brutally snapped of short during extreme trampling activities last year alone.


"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Good Lord, you keep statistics?! (5.00 / 5) (#15)
by eLuddite on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:51:51 PM EST

Tidy columns of dispassionate numbers on recycled paper? What are you, some kind of shoe geek? I fail to see how compounding your infamy will serve your defense.

---
God hates human rights.
[ Parent ]

You need to apologize (3.71 / 7) (#7)
by Jesus Christ on Fri Jul 19, 2002 at 07:26:03 PM EST

I know he's not been around recently, but you should email shoeboy@adequacy.org and apologize for ripping off his schtick.

Peace be upon you,
JC

-1, Should Be MLP (3.16 / 6) (#27)
by thelizman on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 12:02:16 AM EST

Mindless Lover of Pods.
--

"Our language is sufficiently clumsy enough to allow us to believe foolish things." - George Orwell
ROTFL (4.33 / 3) (#28)
by axxeman on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 12:33:59 AM EST

A sexual fetish for shoes is no more "abnormal" or damaging than the perfectly healthy sexual relationships with men or women or small children or pets that society readily accepts.

+1FP

Being or not being married isn't going to stop bestiality or incest. --- FlightTest

Yes!!!!!! Give me some shoe-lovin (4.60 / 5) (#31)
by djmann88 on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 08:36:47 AM EST

Some people may consider this article a troll, but I consider that a sardonic parody is a valid form of social criticsm. +1 FP

HA,HA,Ha,ha,ha... (2.33 / 3) (#38)
by Tezcatlipoca on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 12:22:25 PM EST

-1
---
"Every duck should aspire to be crispy and aromatic." sleepyhel

I'm impressed (4.57 / 7) (#41)
by Matt Oneiros on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 02:48:13 PM EST

at the number of folks around here that seemingly have no sense of humour. So I'll remember to preface any sarcasm with a warning noting it's sarcasm so the living dead of k5 can pick up on it.

Jeez people, it's a god damn satire, YOU DON'T NEED TO GO THROUGH AND TELL THEM WHY THEIR JOKE IS TECHNICALLY WRONG!!!!

How big of a geek do you have to be before you read this article then post a definition of pedophilia, a word I'm sure most if not all of us already know, then proceed to get into side handed defenses of your self?

You don't think it's funny? FINE but it doesn't mean you have to be a jackass.

Lobstery is not real
signed the cow
when stating that life is merely an illusion
and that what you love is all that's real

The humor charme offense (2.00 / 4) (#42)
by mami on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 02:53:50 PM EST

just doesn't work with certain issues ... ask professional comedians.

I've always felt too inhibited (none / 0) (#55)
by Sloppy on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 06:30:04 PM EST

It started with those guilty calls to 1-976-SHOE, and then I even got to be a judge in Chicago's Ugliest Foot contest. But I've never dared to touch...
"RSA, 2048, seeks sexy young entropic lover, for several clock cycles of prime passion..."
555-SHOE (1.00 / 1) (#72)
by PresJPolk on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 06:09:32 PM EST

I thought it was 555-SHOE, to talk to Dr. Shoe.

Shoe Betcha!

[ Parent ]

Fox (1.00 / 1) (#74)
by Stanley on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 01:29:45 AM EST

This must be a Bundy ref.


============
"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" -- Douglas Adams
[ Parent ]
Lame. (4.62 / 16) (#59)
by ennui on Sat Jul 20, 2002 at 09:17:03 PM EST

Can't anybody mount an argument around here that isn't an ad-homonym attack?

"You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone." -- Al Capone
i bought a new pair of adidas today (none / 0) (#65)
by elderogue on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 02:25:21 AM EST

you are my personal hero, sir
-e
I would like to go on the record as saying... (4.50 / 2) (#66)
by lumen on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 04:30:57 AM EST

that I am dismayed that this article has scored as well as it has while its controversial, discussion-generating progenitor was squashed. Nice way of skirting the issue(s) in any case.

No argument from me (4.00 / 1) (#76)
by Rogerborg on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 05:14:39 AM EST

    I am dismayed that this article has scored as well as it has while its controversial, discussion-generating progenitor was squashed

As the author of this article, I agree fully. I contributed a lot of posts to the recent "Scum of the Earth" article that I think you're talking about, and I wanted to see it FP.

Incidentally (or otherwise), can anyone explain why this reply from snowlion to this article, rated 3.16 at the time of writing, isn't showing up any more (not in my view of it anyway)? I saw it on Friday night, didn't have time to reply, then came back on Sunday to find that it had vanished. I had to search through snowlions's posts to find it. What gives?


"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Blame Scoop. And do this: (none / 0) (#81)
by greyrat on Tue Jul 23, 2002 at 04:37:45 PM EST

Between the story and the comments is a set of viewing options. Set the 'View' dropdown from 'Mixed (default)' to 'All Comments' and press the 'Set' button.

By default, editorial comments are not displayed after a story posts.
~ ~ ~
Did I actually read the article? No. No I didn't.
"Watch out for me nobbystyles, Gromit!"

[ Parent ]

You think this is funny (4.80 / 10) (#67)
by orangecutter on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 06:05:05 AM EST

You're lucky K5 readers are smart; some people aren't. Pity the poor paediatrician who had her home attacked because people misunderstood her job title.

--
Sort out your work problems by talking to others
http://www.workkitchen.org
That just makes it more humorous - NT (1.80 / 5) (#69)
by godix on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 01:03:26 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Is there something wrong with the sole of a ped? (2.75 / 4) (#73)
by BLU ICE on Sun Jul 21, 2002 at 07:45:25 PM EST

Do their soles get worn down and need repairs or somthing.

Wait! You're talking about souls aren't you!
;-)

"Is the quality of this cocaine satisfactory, Mr. Delorean?"
"As good as gold."

-- I am become Troll, destroyer of threads.
It's like an encyclopedia...sorta: Everything2

Most amusing (none / 0) (#75)
by FredBloggs on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 05:07:45 AM EST

misspelling i`ve seen for ages...and you get modded down for pointing it out! Hilarious!

[ Parent ]
Misspelling, or pun? (5.00 / 2) (#79)
by Phelan on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 10:34:58 AM EST

Considering that the author's talking about foot fetishism, I expect that the word "sole" was deliberately placed as a pun.

[ Parent ]
It scares me (none / 0) (#82)
by Rogerborg on Thu Jul 25, 2002 at 12:59:00 PM EST

that anybody would think that it wasn't. Oh well.

"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

creepy (4.20 / 5) (#78)
by krek on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 10:19:43 AM EST

I am never going bowling again.

_Ped_iatrician != _pod_iatrist. (none / 0) (#80)
by Ray Chason on Mon Jul 22, 2002 at 11:22:16 PM EST

And hence a foot-fetishist ought to be a podophile.

Ought to make interesting campaign speechifying: "Ah heah rumuhs...that mah opponent...is a PODOPHILE!" (collective gasp)
--
The War on Terra is not meant to be won.
Delendae sunt RIAA, MPAA et Windoze

The sole of a pedophile | 82 comments (44 topical, 38 editorial, 1 hidden)
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