Apologies for the insane length of this thing, but it is very funny. I have no idea who the author is...
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being
kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
forwarding fifty billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people
who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking
six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky
here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish,I'll get laid by
every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big "FUCK YOU!" to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
started by Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll
be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak
of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to fifty of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about ninety
times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think
about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to
5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because,
THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to
the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no
way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of
bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47
seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you send this to 4 or 6 people, you
will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it
works...pass this on to 15 067 people in the next 7 minutes or
something horrible will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain
pipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not
only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went
to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and
your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat
full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you should be raped by mad gorillas, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a
dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up
like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all
your undies missing tomorrow morning.
Opinions not necessarily those of the author.