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Pandas deserve to be eaten

By SunPin in Op-Ed
Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 10:38:44 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

It's spring again and Pandas, theoretically, should be ready to mate at the National Zoo. Unfortunately, for the entire 31 years of Panda care in Washington D.C., no Panda cub has survived and the Pandas don't seem to want to get it on. This is an editorial originally run at Cyberista. Enjoy...

Since Richard Nixon visited China, the National Zoo has taken care of Panda bears. They research the behavior of the animals. They care for the animals. They can't, however, get the Pandas to get it on.

After 31 years of pandemonium, everyone in Washington D.C. just gives a sarcastic sigh each spring when somebody enthusiastically shouts, "Hey! Let's go to the Zoo and watch the Pandas do it."

The Pandas aren't doing anything beyond beating the crap out of each other. There's nothing to see unless you are into Ultimate Panda Fighting.

Hsing-Hsing and Ling-Ling, the first Panda couple at the National Zoo, couldn't produce a surviving cub. Ling-Ling had four pregnancies and never succeeded. She died at 20. He died at 28. It was a valiant effort of the Pandas in captivity and the researchers taking care of them.

Now it's a little different.

While one can chalk up the first Panda project failure to the unknown, the impending failure of the second Panda project needs to be blamed on the Pandas themselves. This isn't about blaming the victims. It's about blaming the incompetent.

The resident Panda couple, Tian Tian and Mei Xiang, are also having problems mating and will likely continue the National Zoo's track record of Panda destruction.

International animal rights groups speak of a need to "save the Panda" or "repopulate the Panda species" but guess what: Pandas don't seem to give a damn about the fate of Pandas. Maybe they know that disappearing off the face of the earth is inevitable and, because of this indisputable fact, screwing is pointless. Or maybe they're just stinking, dirty, vile creatures with no awareness of anything beyond routine bowel movements.

What makes a Panda "cute" and worth saving? Social constructs of "cuteness" built up by ridiculous and inaccurate 1980s cartoons have defined the Panda as "cute." Like most social constructs, this one is false.

In a relentless pursuit of truth, we prefer the term "tasty." That's right. Pandas are tasty. Ever since this misguided business of saving a suicidal species started, the Panda category was the absolute best part of a typical Chinese restaurant.

There's Bagongshan Bean Panda, Roast Chinese Panda, Boiled Panda with Cabbage, Maofeng Smoked Panda, Fragrant Panda Shreds and, our favorite, Panda Head in Bean Curd Soup. Rest assured that this is only the tip of the iceberg in Panda cuisine.

We're not sure why this "save the Panda" nonsense is so important. Pandas see the writing on the walls. Humans should as well. Instead of letting perfectly good Panda meat rot away at the hands of idealistic scientists and unscrupulous media outlets, we suggest calling a spade a spade and getting some Panda meat while the getting is good.


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How do you like your Panda?
o Flame broiled 35%
o Fried 5%
o Steamed 6%
o Smoked 17%
o Raw 33%

Votes: 103
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Cyberista
o Also by SunPin

Display: Sort:
Pandas deserve to be eaten | 123 comments (87 topical, 36 editorial, 0 hidden)
I agree, Pandas deserve to.... (3.37 / 8) (#1)
by AmberEyes on Fri Apr 04, 2003 at 05:37:28 PM EST

...no wait. Too easy. Nevermind. Sorry. :D


"But you [AmberEyes] have never admitted defeat your entire life, so why should you start now. It seems the only perfect human being since Jesus Christ himself is in our presence." -my Uncle Dean
Kentuky Fried Panda (4.90 / 11) (#3)
by zephc on Fri Apr 04, 2003 at 05:50:24 PM EST

It's finger Ling-Ling good!

I've maintained a while that although Pandas are adorable, they are an evolutionary dead end.  Kind of like the screamapiller I guess.

Panda Express! (5.00 / 4) (#6)
by Yanks Rule on Fri Apr 04, 2003 at 06:46:56 PM EST

Real panda in every bite!

Mmmm....orange flavored panda!!!

"I do think we live in dangerous times, and anybody who looks at the world and says this is the time to be a wuss--I can't buy that anymore. " -- Dennis Miller
[ Parent ]

Panda Express! (4.00 / 1) (#60)
by SunPin on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 06:32:58 PM EST

There is a restaurant in Gainesville, FL called Sichuan(sp?) Panda... no Panda on the menu, however... it was my biggest disappointment with an otherwise outstanding Chinese Restaurant.

[ Parent ]
Screampillers are a bit better off... (none / 0) (#52)
by Subtillus on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:30:52 PM EST

Well, maybe they would be if they weren't sexually attracted to fire.

[ Parent ]
No story about Pandas is complete (4.57 / 7) (#5)
by Run4YourLives on Fri Apr 04, 2003 at 06:36:26 PM EST

without including the lyrics of genius from Corky and the Juice Pigs

It's slightly Japanese, but without all of that fanatical devotion to the workplace. - CheeseburgerBrown
That's what the government gets ... (4.33 / 9) (#10)
by pyramid termite on Fri Apr 04, 2003 at 09:54:28 PM EST

... for outlawing Pandering.

On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
Baby Anything - It's Tender (4.91 / 12) (#15)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 12:24:49 AM EST

Everyone knows that the best meat to eat is baby anything, largely due to the tenderness of the young, supple flesh. It is moist and, how you say, without edge.

If for no other reason than this, we should put more funds into panda mating research.

Fresh cubs are divine when cooked rare, and their hides make excellent disposable toilet seat covers.

(Like the noble savage Indian, I try to use all of the animal out of a sign of respect. The eyes make cool, spooky marbles, for example.)

It cannot be denied that I do enjoy the occasional cheeseburger.
Eye marbles (4.50 / 2) (#26)
by SunPin on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 09:25:19 AM EST

(Like the noble savage Indian, I try to use all of the animal out of a sign of respect. The eyes make cool, spooky marbles, for example.)

Agreed but Lucite is difficult to work with...

[ Parent ]

Maybe species die (4.28 / 7) (#20)
by Blarney on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:17:39 AM EST

It probably won't make a difference whether anyone eats the pandas or not. I do agree - the pandas are going extinct all by themselves with no help from mankind - but I don't know if they can be blamed anymore than men can be blamed for growing old and dying. Maybe species have a lifespan just as individuals do.

Pandas only eat leaves from a very particular subspecies of tree - move pandas from one Chinese mountain to a neighboring one, which looks exactly like the first one in all respects - they stop eating and die. They rarely breed in the zoo or in the wild. Usually they eat their babies, fail to nurse them, or push them out of trees. These are animals that want to die and leave no children to follow them.

Who knows why panda behavior is so twisted? Some people say that maybe it's something men have done to the environment, something so subtle that nothing but the pandas can sense it. But they'll be all dead and gone before we can find it. Perhaps the answer lies in the pandas themselves. Perhaps somehow they're senile, not as individual animals, but as a species.

Stupid... er...animals? (4.66 / 3) (#39)
by svampa on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 12:30:10 PM EST

They must live the whole life in the same place, because after certain age they can't learn a new terrain.

If you move an adult panda to a new environment, they die, they don't move further than they can't see, they don't find water, they don't explore, they can't memorize a new map. They just feel lost and die.

They live in bamboo forests. Each 50 years Bamboo forests die suddenly (because the whole forest is probably the same plant). Do you think the panda bears look for another forest? No, they die doing nothing.

Panda won't extint, because only species extinct. Panda are not an animal specie, they are a subproduct of certain bamboo forests.

[ Parent ]
Bamboo is a grass, not a tree (n/t) (3.66 / 3) (#42)
by Filthy Socialist Hippy on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 01:48:49 PM EST

leftist, you don't love America, you love what America with all its wealth and power can be if you turn it into a socialist state. - thelizman
[ Parent ]
Crouching Tiger (none / 0) (#88)
by Blarney on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 04:27:03 PM EST

When I first saw Crouching Tiger, I was horribly confused by the bamboo forests. I've lived in Michigan my whole life, so naturally it appeared to me to be a coniferous forest such as I'm used to seeing. When the fighting started and the trees turned out to be springy and flexible, I thought maybe it was some sort of hallucinatory dream sequence - asked my friend and she told me "Bamboo! Not tree. Shut up!"

But hell, it looks like a forest and I can't help referring to the plants which make up a forest as "trees".

[ Parent ]

A perfect example... (none / 0) (#100)
by gilrain on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 01:13:59 AM EST

...of not being able to see the bamboo forest for the trees. ;)

[ Parent ]
So essentially, you (4.20 / 5) (#21)
by MeowChow on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:18:40 AM EST

... felt like putting a bullet in the head of every panda who woulnd't screw to save it's species.

Bah, probably tastes like chicken anyway.

Fight club (5.00 / 1) (#25)
by SunPin on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 09:21:02 AM EST

You just came dangerously close to breaking the rules, dude.

[ Parent ]
What rules would those be? (none / 0) (#53)
by Subtillus on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:34:29 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Fight club (4.00 / 1) (#57)
by SunPin on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 06:05:57 PM EST

Rule #1... wait... this is a trick, isn't it?

[ Parent ]
Must be... (4.25 / 4) (#22)
by tang gnat on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:57:25 AM EST

Because God screwed up when he designed their thumbs, which are no longer good for anything but the processing of bamboo.

the fact they eat bamboo at all... (4.00 / 1) (#46)
by Work on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 02:28:10 PM EST

is kind of odd. Bamboo has virtually no nutrients toward sustaining life for long. A diet consisting solely of bamboo is a poor one indeed.

It's rather amazing they've lasted this long.

[ Parent ]

It's just grass (none / 0) (#111)
by Eric Green on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 11:32:16 AM EST

There's lots of grass-eating critters out there, like cows, horses, etc. They all have bacteria in their gut to break down grass into stuff that they can digest. Bamboo is just a big tall grass. I would suspect that panda in the wild supplement their diet of bamboo with other stuff, like the occasional bug and seed pod, but cows survive just fine on grass (they get kinda skinny compared to the modern plump beef cow that's fed lots of corn, but they survive).
You are feeling sleepy... you are feeling verrry sleepy...
[ Parent ]
Pandas are carnivores (5.00 / 1) (#119)
by HoserHead on Wed Apr 09, 2003 at 01:30:28 AM EST

Q How much bamboo do pandas eat every day?

A Research in the Qinling Mountains in China showed giant pandas can consume, on average, 19 kilograms of fresh bamboo leaves per day.

Q Why do pandas eat so much?

A The panda is a carnivore that acts like a herbivore. The panda's diet is almost 100% vegetarian, but since it can't digest plant material as efficiently as a goat or a cow, it makes up for this inefficiency by eating very large amounts of bamboo. Fortunately, the forests pandas live in have abundant supplies of their favorite food.

Q Do wild pandas feed only on bamboo?

A No. The vast majority of their diet is bamboo, but wild pandas have also been found to eat carrion (the flesh of dead animals.)

--from the WWF China site

[ Parent ]
Or... (4.33 / 6) (#23)
by the77x42 on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 05:15:50 AM EST

Why not do new Viagra testing on pandas? If they get sick and die, then eat them.

"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

Viagra testing (5.00 / 3) (#24)
by SunPin on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 09:19:14 AM EST

True... if they don't respond to viagra then, yes, they have to go. The ones that do respond can help stabilize the market of what would be the most expensive meat in the world.

[ Parent ]
I'm disappointed (5.00 / 4) (#38)
by godix on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 12:15:52 PM EST

The answer to supplying the world with McPanda burgers is simple. Just let the Raelians start cloning them. In no time at all we'll have dozens of new pandas running around; although no one will be able to see them, see any proof they exist, or learn how it was done.

"You think we're arrogant, and we think you're French."
- George Herbert Walker B
Terrans deserve to be eaten. (3.00 / 5) (#41)
by I am Jack's username on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 01:27:45 PM EST

On the other hand, the Terrans aren't doing anything beyond beating the crap out of each other. There's nothing to see unless you are into Ultimate Terran Fighting.

Virgo supercluster animal rights groups speak of a need to "save the Terran" or "civilize the Terran species" but guess what: Terrans don't seem to give a damn about the fate of Terrans. Maybe they know that with their biosphere being destroyed, civilizing now is pointless.
Inoshiro for president!
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left." - Bertrand Russell

OT: Regarding your sig (none / 0) (#43)
by TheEldestOyster on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 01:58:13 PM EST

"War does not determine who is right - only who is left." - Bertrand Russell

I can live with that. I'd rather be alive and wrong than dead and right. (Although, from an evolutionary standpoint, wouldn't whoever is left be the one who is right?)
TheEldestOyster (rizen/bancus) * PGP Signed/Encrypted mail preferred
[ Parent ]
No, not at all. (none / 0) (#45)
by gzt on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 02:22:52 PM EST

By the evolutionary standpoint, whoever is left is left and whoever is dead is dead. Evolution does not contain any value judgments such as "right", "wrong", "better", or "worse". Only living and dead.

The difference here is the one between science and scientism.

[ Parent ]

I think what he means... (none / 0) (#70)
by Relayer on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 10:48:54 AM EST

Is that whoever is left, is right in that "virtue perseveres" and that really, whoever has more power is often considered right.

It tastes sweet.

[ Parent ]

Slightly different (none / 0) (#51)
by Gord ca on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:01:36 PM EST

Terrans have most definately not given up screwing each other.

If I'm attacking your idea, it's probably because I like it
[ Parent ]
Indeed not. (none / 0) (#54)
by motty on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 04:43:45 PM EST

In any sense.
[ Parent ]
Looks like a job for PETA (4.37 / 8) (#44)
by Tanya on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 02:05:38 PM EST

People Eating Tasty Animals!

Don't ask unless you *really* want to know.

Hey yutz... (none / 0) (#64)
by baron samedi on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 06:52:06 AM EST

guns aren't toys, they're for killing delicious animals, dangerous animals, and for keeping the king of England outta your face...
"Hands that help are better by far than lips that pray."- Robert G. Ingersoll
[ Parent ]
Oh, come on you humorless twits! (3.50 / 4) (#47)
by mstefan on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 02:43:52 PM EST

A -4? Bah.

-1... (5.00 / 1) (#48)
by ShadowNode on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 02:57:46 PM EST

Not actually funny.

[ Parent ]
Screw Pandas (4.00 / 5) (#49)
by BushidoCoder on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 03:18:02 PM EST

I have no inclination to save a species that refuses to mate. On the rare condition that they do, the mother is rarely fertile when she mates, 90% likely to stillbirth the cub if she manages to get knocked up, and if by some miracle a cub is born, 25% likely to immediately abandon it and let it die.

It is beyond my comprehension to understand why these animals have survived as long as they have.


Well, I'd love to, but I was told I'd be arrested. (5.00 / 2) (#62)
by porkchop_d_clown on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 10:07:28 PM EST

"... where he practiced animal husbandry, till they caught him at it..."

Note that the depiction of the president as a deranged or Nazi paranoid is coming mostly from people who constantly tell us how passionately they
[ Parent ]

Ah yes ... (5.00 / 1) (#91)
by Hektor on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 05:40:28 PM EST

Tom Lehrer rules :-)

"He was a necrophiliac who finally achieved his boyhood ambition by becomming a coroner."
[scattered laughter in the audience]
"The rest of you can look it up when you get home."
[a roar of laughter from the audience]

[ Parent ]

Well I tried (5.00 / 3) (#65)
by mayo on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 08:13:44 AM EST

But this method of "artificial insemination" just isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, can you imagine my embarrassment on finding out after the fact that man-panda relations will not actually result in your very own mutant freak half panda child? Furthermore, the actual act itself was somewhat like throwing a sausage down a hallway and afterwards she refused to snuggle or chat despite my kind presents of flowers and a bamboo chute. The final straw came when she sat on me the first instant I wasn't looking, quite literally attempting to smother me with her affection. After a rather fortunate escape involving a nun, a tin of paint thinner and a quick foray into the ancient art of sumo I got out while the going was still good. Indeed the whole exercise turned out to be sheer folly and the panties I used to bribe her Japanese keeper were wasted. The best scientific conclusion I can draw is that pandas simply don't mate because the females are, to put it plainly, a spectacularly lousy lay.

[ Parent ]
Zoos (none / 0) (#68)
by Anonymous 7324 on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 10:42:54 AM EST

or maybe the animals just don't mate well in the artificial environment of a zoo? We only have so much money, and can only make plots of bamboo so big. And given the idea of a zoo, there are obviously going to be lots of visitors and noise, etc., around.

Presumably, all of this has at least some impact on how the animal's mating behavior and reproductive performance turn out.

[ Parent ]

They DO deserve to be eaten! (3.85 / 7) (#50)
by jabber on Sat Apr 05, 2003 at 03:54:00 PM EST

I know that nothing gets my girlfriend in the mood to "get it on" better than being eaten. Bully for the pandas!

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

OK. (3.00 / 1) (#66)
by tkatchev on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 08:37:58 AM EST

That was truly stupid. Would you like to try again?

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

translation: (3.66 / 6) (#67)
by adequate nathan on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 10:06:46 AM EST

"I think cunnilingus is funny!!1!!1!!!1!"

I have to admit, eating pussy is one of those timelessly classic comic tropes. Nothing articulates g**k sexuality as well as the sort of ingenuous self-promotion associated with publically mentioning on teh intarweb that you do, in fact, like to 'get down and dirty,' to 'rough it in the bush,' to 'lick a girl's privates.' As George Bernard Shaw didn't say, 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, talk all day about their prowess on teh intarweb.'

But what makes cunnilingus so funny? Most people I know whom I assume indulge in it, one way or the other, have never felt the need to share this with me. In fact, one of my friends, a card-carrying lesbian whom I know to have on several occasions visited 'The Pussy Palace' for the explicit purpose of anonymous lesbian sex, has never felt the need to specify just exactly she was up to, gynecologically speaking, on those visits. So, for most people it's part of your life or not, but in any event not really a subject for low comedy. And just try to catch a bunch of girls publically making blow-job jokes on web forums.

Cunnilingus is different because it panders to g**k self-esteem; a cunnilinguist must be hipper, savvier, and sexier than those loutish football players who just want to pound the cheerleaders for thirty seconds of testosterone venting. To a horny teenage virgin boy with 10 gigs of hentai porn, nothing is more compelling or mysterious than the humid orchid that manga so frustratingly pixellates. Operating that thing is probably the only thing harder and more validating than operating Lunix.

So why do g**ks boast about cunnilingus? Possibly because they're not getting any. But seriously, it's not for the benefit of the ladies. It's for the benefit of their fellow ESR's-Sex-Tips-reading slashbots, to let them know just who exactly is reinstalling his Lenis with a hard drive on a daily basis.

"For me -- ugghhh, arrgghh."
-Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, in Frank magazine, Jan. 20th 2003

Join the petition: Rusty! Make dumped stories & discussion public!
[ Parent ]

Yeah, well (5.00 / 1) (#69)
by jabber on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 10:48:42 AM EST

And sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Have a nice day, though. ;)

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

Translation: (5.00 / 5) (#71)
by synaesthesia on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 12:18:57 PM EST

"I feel the need to prove myself superior to jabber, because there is the chance that he might be getting some, wheras I am not."

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]
No. (none / 0) (#78)
by tkatchev on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:11:39 PM EST

The parent comment truly was stupid.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Sure (5.00 / 1) (#81)
by jabber on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:25:54 PM EST

It was stupid. It was INTENDED to be stupid. It was in response to a proposal for the eating of pandas because they're not breeding, ferchrisake.

A pseudo-psycho-babble response, based on implied assumptions pulled out of a vacuum, however... THAT was funny.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

Translation: (3.00 / 1) (#83)
by synaesthesia on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:52:15 PM EST

"I also feel the need to prove myself superior to jabber."

You mean stupid, as opposed to the comments made by adequate "stop trying to prove you're hip, you're not as hip as me, just ask my lesbian friends" nathan, or yourself, t "cunnilingus must be passive-submissive, because i've never taken the lead" katchev?

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]

OK, you win. (none / 0) (#89)
by tkatchev on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 04:31:20 PM EST

You're the man.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Hardly [NT] (5.00 / 2) (#90)
by synaesthesia on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 05:18:25 PM EST

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]
why you gotta be a hater? (none / 0) (#82)
by adequate nathan on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:42:16 PM EST

I think my joke was much better than his. And if you can't see that, I hope that you die a horrible death vomiting through your skin, you Nazi Communist.

"For me -- ugghhh, arrgghh."
-Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, in Frank magazine, Jan. 20th 2003

Join the petition: Rusty! Make dumped stories & discussion public!
[ Parent ]

Hairy muff... (none / 0) (#84)
by synaesthesia on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:59:16 PM EST

Translation: "Fair enough..."

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]
P.S. (5.00 / 1) (#80)
by tkatchev on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:16:27 PM EST

I think the attraction of it for geeks comes from the fact that cunnilingus is practically the only form of passive-submissive male sexuality apart from, uh, you-know-what.

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Also (4.50 / 2) (#96)
by Andy P on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 11:18:21 PM EST

It's the only one where having a small dingaling doesn't matter.

[ Parent ]
Well, (5.00 / 1) (#103)
by tkatchev on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 05:20:29 AM EST

isn't that what I said?

   -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
[ Parent ]

Damn (none / 0) (#122)
by tekue on Thu Apr 10, 2003 at 05:43:18 AM EST

I'm specialising in foot-licking from now on. Gotta be original.
A society that puts equality ahead of freedom will end up with neither. -Milton Friedman
[ Parent ]
as Robin Williams speculated (5.00 / 1) (#72)
by zephc on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 12:27:17 PM EST

the male pandas probably won't mate with the females because the females are so damn ugly, in panda terms.  Hey, can we ever be sure?

Perhaps it's the other way around? (none / 0) (#120)
by curunir on Wed Apr 09, 2003 at 02:33:17 PM EST

I would posit that the males are so awkward that the females won't give them any. It's not like they get a whole lot of opportunities to 'practice their moves'. We try to pair them up as soon as both are of any age capable of breeding. It takes a lot of 'crash & burn' attempts before one gets smooth enough to get any action. Imagine if we did the same humans. Lock some pimply teenagers in a room together and expect them to procreate? It'd be a disaster.

If we could somehow teach the male pandas something beyond the "So...come here often?" approach, perhaps the females would actually give it up.

[ Parent ]
Panda porn... (none / 0) (#121)
by SunPin on Wed Apr 09, 2003 at 06:09:01 PM EST

I'm sure there's something on the net to put them in the mood... or maybe... just maybe... they watch too much porn and can't function properly in normal Panda social situations.

[ Parent ]
Trolls deserve to be eaten (nt) (1.00 / 1) (#73)
by A Proud American on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 12:33:50 PM EST

The weak are killed and eaten...

That's gross (none / 0) (#75)
by SunPin on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 01:22:44 PM EST

I'd rather have a flame broiled Panda that was marinated in Jamaican spices for three days instead of a troll... you know what their diet consists of, right?

[ Parent ]
Hapless adventurers without light sources? (none / 0) (#116)
by carbon on Tue Apr 08, 2003 at 03:01:50 AM EST

Little gruff goats, maybe?

Wasn't Dr. Claus the bad guy on Inspector Gadget? - dirvish
[ Parent ]
Breaking News!! (5.00 / 5) (#76)
by Giant Space Hamster on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:03:33 PM EST

The Washington Post reports that the giant pandas at the National Zoo mated for the first time yesterday.

I think the only conclusion that we can draw from this is that the pandas read Kuro5hin.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell

15 seconds??? (none / 0) (#77)
by SunPin on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:09:38 PM EST

They might as well have bumped into each other.

[ Parent ]
15 seconds? (4.00 / 1) (#109)
by Dr Caleb on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 11:10:26 AM EST

What did he do with the other 4 seconds? Roll over, fart and go to sleep?

Baroque: [Bar-oak] (adj.) (s.) ; What you are when you have no Monet.

There is no K5 cabal.
[ Parent ]

Grade inflation (4.00 / 1) (#79)
by SunPin on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 02:13:20 PM EST

Tian Tian "gets an 'A' for technical merit and an 'A' for effort," said Stevens, who spent Thursday night in the Panda House after the zoo decided to start keeping the pandas together at night because of their increased sexual behavior.

What the hell kind of criteria are they using?

[ Parent ]

Well of course at night (none / 0) (#86)
by bobpence on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 03:25:15 PM EST

No self-respecting panda is gonna do it during the day with all those damn humans around. Put 'em together at night, light some candles, put on some Barry and some Marvin, and the desired results will ensue. None of this 15 seconds crap, either.
"Interesting. No wait, the other thing: tedious." - Bender
[ Parent ]
Makes me think... (5.00 / 2) (#107)
by geesquared on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 08:55:22 AM EST

that they must have judges sitting by the Panda Cages holding up scores after "the event."

"oooh... harsh score from the Russian judge."

[ Parent ]

The scores (none / 0) (#110)
by Dr Caleb on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 11:11:43 AM EST

would have been fixed by the Russian and French judges anyway.

Baroque: [Bar-oak] (adj.) (s.) ; What you are when you have no Monet.

There is no K5 cabal.
[ Parent ]

WWE and WWF merger (3.00 / 1) (#85)
by svillee on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 03:01:53 PM EST

I've always thought the WWE and the WWF should merge. Then we could watch...pandas wrestling!

Been done ;) (none / 0) (#115)
by andfarm on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 08:14:13 PM EST


"The W.W.F. For years the World Wildlife Fund and the World Wrestling Federation have been fighting over those initials. Nice to see they've finally reached a compromise..."

[ Parent ]

They should ask the experts. (5.00 / 2) (#87)
by Tezcatlipoca on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 04:21:24 PM EST

In the Chapultepec Zoo in Mexico City (use the Fish) where pandas reproduce like flies.

Might is right

The classic (4.00 / 1) (#94)
by psicE on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 08:37:30 PM EST

Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over

Pandas have 'cute appeal' (5.00 / 1) (#95)
by fluffy grue on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 11:14:06 PM EST

Pandas are used as a huggy-cutey-squishy-happy-snuggly cause for the WWF to raise funds to protect species which actually deserve protection. Nobody wants to donate lots of money to save the threatened minnow which is really ugly but also happens to be a vital part of its local ecosphere, but a panda is like a big teddy bear!
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I love you.

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]

Species marketing (4.00 / 2) (#97)
by SunPin on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 11:32:12 PM EST

I agree. What makes it worse is that while dozens of other endangered species are endangered because of the human virus, Pandas are endangered because they have unbelievably finicky living requirements. They really did put themselves into their predicament. Most monkeys, by contrast, completely adapt and become urban problems like baboons in South Africa. People shoot them to protect themselves and their children--that's fine with me. When they become endangered, we'll know why.

Basically, endangered species deserve our protection only if we put them there. Otherwise, the animal rights people need to be schooled in the Prime Directive... we don't want Pandas developing weapons of mass destruction because we altered their natural evolutionary course. If they are going to kill themselves out, the moral thing to do--the compassionate thing to do--is to let them go.

Like Sting says, "if you love somebody, have them for dinner."

[ Parent ]

Yeah (none / 0) (#98)
by fluffy grue on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 11:33:57 PM EST

But how does eating them help?
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I love you.

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

Because... (5.00 / 2) (#99)
by SunPin on Sun Apr 06, 2003 at 11:44:49 PM EST

If you simply euthanized Pandas and threw them in a ditch, that would be a waste of very tasty food.

[ Parent ]
but (4.00 / 1) (#101)
by auraslip on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 01:22:16 AM EST

they're SOOO cute.

Even cuter though would be a polar bear panda cross bread.

Out of curiousity... (3.00 / 1) (#102)
by gilrain on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 01:28:03 AM EST

Everyone keeps saying they're so tasty! Has anyone here actually had panda? Does the name change when referring to them as a food (cow = beef)?

Also, does this mean that racoons taste good? *Those* aren't endangered... :)

Popcorn isn't endangered either (none / 0) (#113)
by SunPin on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 05:57:53 PM EST

Basically, we're dealing with market forces to determine a subjective quality. With so few Pandas left, eating a Panda is super-cool. It would be difficult and expensive to obtain. This isn't like eating canned meat... this is effin' Panda, dude.

[ Parent ]
Words (5.00 / 1) (#114)
by djotto on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 07:44:10 PM EST

The cow/beef swine/pork thing is an historical oddity of English. The animal words tend to come from Old English, while the meat words come from Old French, because the English-speaking peasants dealt with the animals while the French-speaking conquerors ate them.

So the panda was simply introduced into English too late to have a seperate post-cooking word.

[ Parent ]

Saxon/Norman (none / 0) (#117)
by gilrain on Tue Apr 08, 2003 at 12:12:09 PM EST

Actually, now that you mention it, I remember in Ivanhoe (the book, that is), there's a scene where they talk about this being a Saxon/Norman thing. Which, of course, is exactly what you're talking about.

Good book, Ivanhoe.

[ Parent ]

Excuse me? This autoposted with a net +17 score? (3.00 / 1) (#105)
by Filthy Socialist Hippy on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 07:02:51 AM EST

I mean, sure, it's funny and accurate as heck, but 17?  Is this some lax liberal "Sunday standard" thing?

leftist, you don't love America, you love what America with all its wealth and power can be if you turn it into a socialist state. - thelizman
500 votes (5.00 / 1) (#106)
by SunPin on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 08:05:45 AM EST

The higher the vote count, the harder it is to get the 95 threshold margin. The fact that it never got knocked down to -20 and developed some great threads probably had something to do with it. If k5 let the vote continue, I have no doubt that it would remain split, continue the threads but never go public. I also believe that if the vote continued, people would attempt to stack the deck to kill it with fake accounts and that's definitely not in K5's best interest.

Maybe I'm biased but k5 did the right thing by making a decision on it. They go into great detail about how they make these decisions. Just click the link below the vote total.

[ Parent ]

In Soviet Russia (3.75 / 4) (#108)
by Rush Limbaugh on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 10:46:14 AM EST

Pandas eat you!

chicken surprise (4.00 / 2) (#112)
by crazycanuck on Mon Apr 07, 2003 at 01:49:16 PM EST

surprise! that wasn't chicken...

Someday... (5.00 / 1) (#118)
by explodingheadboy on Tue Apr 08, 2003 at 02:26:42 PM EST

...the zoologists are going to realize that this entire time they were trying to breed two male pandas...

They will then begin to beat on each other for several hours, and for the next few weeks sustain themselves only on research papers they threw into the refuse heap.

And we all know that, ironically, they will be just as sucessful with surviving on cellulose as the pandas were at mating. (Because we all know humans lack the enzymes to digest wood... right?... *sigh*)

Q: If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?
A: None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!

[*rmg is dying]

Pandas deserve to be eaten | 123 comments (87 topical, 36 editorial, 0 hidden)
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