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[P]
e-hamburgers

By turmeric in Op-Ed
Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 08:39:11 AM EST
Tags: Internet (all tags)
Internet

Turmeric Enterprises, LLC, a fully incorporated offshore entity with offices in London, Sydney, Frankfurt, Kuala Lumpur, Johannesburg, and Hayward California, has recently embarked upon a project to provide a new form of 'e-currency' to the internet community. Unlike traditional e-currency the unit of commerce will be the hamburger.


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...because it's waiting for your ad. So why are you still reading this? Come on, get going. Read the story, and then get an ad. Alright stop it. I'm not going to say anything else. Now you're just being silly. STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'm done!
comments (24)
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I know what you are saying. Isn't turmeric a raving lunatic vegetarian? Yes, but damnit, this could make me filthy rich. I will apologize to the cows in heaven. After I buy them all golden cowbells and an infinite amount of cow food and crummy ponds to swim in, without any flies.

Traditional 'e-currency' schemes, such as e-gold and london gold exchange, work by allowing any idiot with a credit card to buy currency, say 5 oz of gold, and claim it as theirs, thru a 'market maker'. The company has a big vault of gold in say London or Dubai or somewhere and they tick off in their database who owns how much of it. If you want to pay someone, say, for ordering a plushie Rush Limbaugh doll off eBay, you simply tell e-gold to give that person a couple ounces of e-gold and blammo it is done.

The problem with gold, silver, and all the other crap they are trying to use in these schemes, is that its price fluctuates. And frankly this whole idea is not much different than the normal paypal/bank-account schemes, where instead of buying pieces of gold you buy 'dollars', which arenít even real. Dollars are just a figment of our imagination that are worth something because we all agree on it and have faith in the US government to save these banks if they go bankrupt or whatever.

Another way of saying this is that the same morons who screwed up the WTC thing in 1993 and the same jerk offs who fake evidence about nukes in Africa are the only things that make dollars worth more than the paper they are printed on.

Enter turmeric enterprises. Our crack team of sociologists and so forth have been reading fark.com and scarleteen.com and a lot of other websites, as well as poring over the last 300 years of the 'Times of London' at the local university library, to try to get a sense of what actually -IS- valuable and of stability in this modern, topsy turvy world we live in.

It's not gold. I'll tell you that right off the bat. And it sure as hell ainít dollars. Just ask any confederates who had a bunch of confederate money what happened when their country got blown up. Ask an Iraqi how their mattress-savings are doing. Fat fucking chance they have a penny to their name.

Then there is all this stock market thing. Apparently a 'share of a company' is somehow 'more valuable' than a share of a brick of gold. Well bricks of gold donít get up and fake how many ounces they have inside of them, nor do they vote themselves 5 million dollar raises and go flying off to Jamaica to 'do lunch'. They donít raid pension funds and they don't hire slimeball accountants.

They just kind of sit there. Except that their owners might hire slimeball accountants. So we are back to square one.

Stock is value-less, gold is value-less, dollars are value-less. These might all just go to nothing overnight and there's nothing anyone could do about it.

But there is one thing, Ray, that stands the test of time. It reminds us of what was good, and what can be again. America has always been changing, Ray, like an army of steamrollers crossing its face, erased like a blackboard and built back up again. But hamburgers, ray, Hamburgers were the one constant.

Hamburgers were there to mark the time.

That is why we at Turmeric Enterprises, LLC, have invested three hundred thousand dollars into opening the first e-hamburgers futures trading commodity exchange and currency fund. We hope to achieve a volume of 3 billion pounds of beef by the end of 2010. Plans are underway to partner with eBay to provide instant purchase agreements for auction items. Withdrawal of funds can be done through any of McDonaldís more than 28,000 worldwide locations , with any order of a soft drink.

These low transaction fees are part of turmeric enterprises ongoing commitment to provide value to the customer. As a bonus we will send you a free toy with any hamburger you purchase from one of our locations.

The fees for transfer are minimal. It is free to start an e-hamburger account, and most 'market makers', (a market maker is a third party which handles the transfer of instable currencies like dollars, gold, stocks, etc, into hamburgers) such as hamburger-brokers.com, have fees around 0.5%. Compare this to 4% for some of the e-gold market makers, many of which are located in Texas or some other scam ridden backwards jungle hole.

As a special service to the people reading this article I would like to offer you a special deal, for each hamburger account that you start, you will receive a share of the 50 million hamburgers we already have in storage in our secure offshore underwater vault. Should you ever wish to actually receive physical delivery of your e-hamburgers you will need to send us payment in cows (the only thing more stable than hamburger) and use a reputable escrow service such as escrow.com (warning there are a lot of scam escrow services, donít be fooled by scam artists, research your escrow service ahead of time).

We hope to revolutionize the way people do business online. With the help of a few billion heads of cattle, and a few billion heads of smart human brains, we can accomplish this task. Thank you very much for your time. And thank you for your interest in e-hamburgers.

E-hamburgers, making the world safe for democracy. One investor at a time.

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Display: Sort:
e-hamburgers | 128 comments (84 topical, 44 editorial, 0 hidden)
+1 FP, (2.85 / 7) (#1)
by JChen on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:45:11 PM EST

much better trolling attempt than the recycled Marticock crap.

Let us do as we say.
Wha? (4.00 / 7) (#13)
by kitten on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 10:14:40 PM EST

How is this a troll?

Who is going to be offended by this, other than the people who are tired of turmeric's semi-coherent blitherings?
mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
[ Parent ]
PETA (none / 0) (#88)
by yami on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 11:56:16 PM EST

Isn't there a PETA-bot troll account on here somewhere? If not, there should be.

___
blah blah lbha
[ Parent ]
+1fp (2.22 / 9) (#2)
by DJ Glock on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:46:35 PM EST

capital letters

*** ANONYMIZED ***

i voted +1fp (2.54 / 11) (#3)
by DJ Glock on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:51:40 PM EST

why, in heavens name, did i do such a thing?

i'll tell you why.

because you linked hamburgers to paypal to the war on iraq. while some may see the connections between the three things as ridiculous, i honestly believe that you are on to something very signifigant here.

i look forward to more of your insights on this topic.

*** ANONYMIZED ***

LOL (2.62 / 8) (#4)
by DJ Glock on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:53:16 PM EST

you made me spit out my v8 juice all over my keyboard!

this story made my day. +1FP. bravo.

*** ANONYMIZED ***

ah yes, adequacy style trolling (3.16 / 12) (#5)
by DJ Glock on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:56:31 PM EST

this is something that i wish there was more of on this site, as opposed to the obvious homo sexual-bashers and their corny "martivlad" stories.

the fact that you managed to flesh this troll out to a full 18 paragraphs is simply amazing. good work, my man.

+1 section

*** ANONYMIZED ***

too late (4.50 / 8) (#6)
by jjayson on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 08:58:34 PM EST

The Economist has you beat with their Big Mac Index.
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." -
au contraire (5.00 / 3) (#22)
by turmeric on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 11:40:44 PM EST

the economist merely provides more evidence as to why the hamburger should replace gold, dollars, stock, etc, as an stable indicator of value held by an individual.

[ Parent ]
ugh (3.00 / 1) (#28)
by jjayson on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:32:09 AM EST

Random speculation on currency theory, probably without even reading a single article by Mundell. -1.
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." - Parent ]
his approach may be better than yours... (4.66 / 3) (#33)
by Attackist on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:14:47 AM EST

   ...after all, he didn't read a few articles and get all flippant and pretentious with his rejection of a fun, silly story submitted to http://kuro5hin.org.  For fuck's sake man, judge the article on it's own merits.

A word of advice- and this goes for all of you 'experts' out there- just because a story is not 100% doctoral-grade insight on a topic is no reason to reject it.  You'd be a much better person for letting people post their thoughts so they can catch up and learn something in the process, instead of striving to kill any discussion not taking place at your 'advanced level' of familiarity.  

It's as if you bastards can't stand to see a story with a new perspective or any imperfections, and I suspect that it is a response born of the (accurate) fear that you are small, weak and alone in the world.

"See, I will let you have cow's dung instead of human dung, on which you may prepare your bread." -- God Almighty

(/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\)
[ Parent ]

"couple of articles"? (none / 0) (#35)
by jjayson on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:25:44 AM EST

I spent many hours in Econ classes at Cal getting the best education the state of California provided.
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." - Parent ]
point still stands: (none / 0) (#36)
by Attackist on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:33:10 AM EST

refer to my second paragraph.

"See, I will let you have cow's dung instead of human dung, on which you may prepare your bread." -- God Almighty

(/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\)
[ Parent ]

hey jjayson... (none / 0) (#90)
by rmg on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 12:56:29 AM EST

i know i've asked before, but you didn't answer, you just zeroed me. and it was a month ago anyway, so i this could be thought of as a progress report...

but i'll get to the point:

how's it coming with that bullet?

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

oh hmm (4.50 / 2) (#8)
by zephc on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 09:10:34 PM EST

i thought this article was going to be about bites or bytes (which is a pretty lame '80s pun, but anyway).

Goddammit turmeric (3.33 / 3) (#9)
by Kasreyn on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 09:12:58 PM EST

I was SO READY to FP you for the Field of Dreams parody alone. Then I noticed this wasn't in Humor. (sigh). -1 as always.


-Kasreyn


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
Goodness (5.00 / 2) (#14)
by greenrd on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 10:16:39 PM EST

Does all humour need to be sectioned?

Is it that people won't "get it" if it's not stamped with a little blue banana?


"Capitalism is the absurd belief that the worst of men, for the worst of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all." -- John Maynard Keynes
[ Parent ]

No, (5.00 / 1) (#18)
by Kasreyn on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 11:11:16 PM EST

It's that non-k5 users will say "wtf", leave, and never come back, thinking we're a lot of loonies.

(We ARE a lot of loonies, but how will we ever rope in new users if they notice that right off the bat?)


-Kasreyn


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
kasreyn, (none / 0) (#31)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:11:20 AM EST

this place gets about one new user a day. not even that. the uid's in the 40000s make it look like a lot of people come in, but for every person you have about three dead accounts from when they tried to register but never got a confirmation email, or typed the address wrong or some weird shit. and for every old user, you have an average of five accounts.

the point is, there is no grand influx of users, and really, i'm not to keen to see a bunch of new users anyway.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

Congratulations! (none / 0) (#38)
by Kasreyn on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 03:39:21 AM EST

You're the first person to EVER reply to me by name on k5 (that is, in the subject line).

You get the grand prize of... ummm... (picks some belly button lint out) here!


-Kasreyn


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
He only replied because... (5.00 / 6) (#45)
by ti dave on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 04:24:49 AM EST

He thought you were a chick.

I'm almost drunk enough to go on IRC. ~Herring
[ Parent ]

wow, ti dave, (5.00 / 3) (#62)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 10:14:47 AM EST

it's like you're inside my head !

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

Yes, on occasion. (none / 0) (#74)
by ti dave on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 03:08:52 PM EST

Sometimes, it's as if we were the same person.

I'm almost drunk enough to go on IRC. ~Herring
[ Parent ]

yes, it is... (5.00 / 2) (#81)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 07:28:25 PM EST

of course that's crazy. just crazy.

shhh.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

Shes not? [nt] (5.00 / 1) (#85)
by Xcyther on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 10:26:37 PM EST



_________________________________________
"Insydious" -- It's not as bad as you think

[ Parent ]
We don't want those kinds of people. (nt) (5.00 / 2) (#65)
by Russell Dovey on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 10:22:16 AM EST


"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

what are you braindead? (5.00 / 2) (#29)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:52:38 AM EST

turmeric can section his stuff any he likes. why do people care about these sections? i know i don't.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

what about a mouse wheel section? (none / 0) (#87)
by Fuzzwah on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 11:31:51 PM EST

I'm sure you'd change your tune...

--
The best a human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. - God's Debris
[ Parent ]

if there were a mouse wheel section... (5.00 / 1) (#89)
by rmg on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 12:54:07 AM EST

i would say turmeric should section all his stuff to that, but if he did not, i would +1 FP him nonetheless.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

the value of gold (3.71 / 7) (#10)
by jjayson on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 09:21:17 PM EST

Gold's value doesn't change:

  • The above ground gold stock grows a constant, small rate each year.
  • Gold's rarity makes technoligical advances in finding and mining it have little effect on above ground reserves.
  • Gold's demand is low and stable, and it has historically been that way.

Over thousands of years, gold has survived the test of time. All the other metals have become less important as gold has proved itself the superior unit of account.

Basically, price fluctuations of gold are not because the value of gold has changed, but because the value of the dollar has changed.

--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." -

Gold (4.80 / 5) (#12)
by Psycho Dave on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 10:09:43 PM EST

Political stability inversely corresponds to the value of gold. In times of great stability, the value of gold is low. In chaotic times, it's value rises.

Governments deflate the price of gold as artificially as DeBeers inflates the price of diamonds.

All wars have an economic base to them. The economic causes of the civil war are as important as the legal ones. The industrialized north held their wealth in factories with atrocious working conditions. The agrarian south held their wealth in land and slaves. One had to overtake the other to insure it's own survival. Industrialization, the system with the fewest fundamental contradictions, won.

Sanctions against Germany in the Treaty of Versailles were not as excessively harsh as history books would have you believe (indeed, Bismark enforced reparations against France similar to the ones in the Treaty of Versailles, and France was able to repay them without bankrupting themselves). However, the Weimar Republic, the first democracy of Germany after WWI, were unable to keep a stable currency. Hyperinflation drove the price of a loaf of bread to a wheelbarrow of marks. Hitler, in turn raised the military budget as a way of stimulating the economy. The German Army that had been nearly decimated twenty years before, became one of the most destructive armies in history. Once they were finally defeated by the forces of capitalism and communism, they were fully occupied and forced into a stability. Make no mistake about it, democracy must be enforced at gunpoint.

In all of the intances, the price of gold shot through the roof.

When World War III comes around, I hope your invested.

[ Parent ]

chicken and egg problems (4.66 / 6) (#25)
by jjayson on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:23:10 AM EST

Political stability inversely corresponds to the value of gold. In times of great stability, the value of gold is low. In chaotic times, it's value rises.
Since when and what do you define as "high" and "low"? Under Bretton Woods (1944) the dollar was fixed to 1/35th of an ounce of gold. Only after Nixon's delinking and subsequent administrations' policies did gold shoot to its current value. Before that gold had a very stable price.

Let's look at the WWI and WWII years and gold's price in dollars (if the value of gold was chaging then all currencies should have been effected). From 1910 to 1913 gold was worth $20.64. From 1914 to 1918 gold was priced at $20.72, then it fell back down to prewar levels. This was a 0.3% inflation. That's nothing. The inflationary level was held low because at the time the dollar was officially defined as 1/20th of an ounce of gold.

However, during WWII, the opposite happened. From 1935 to 1939, gold was priced around $34.82. Then from 1940 to 1944, the gold price actuall fell to $33.85. This was a -2% change in value relative to the dollar (monetary deflation). According to your theory, gold should have risen in price.

Also, this ignores the question of why things happen. Gold's value in terms of dollars increases as a result of monetary inflation. For example, Nixon's delinking was from massive currency pressure incured from printing dollars for the Vietnam War. The value of gold never changed it was the printing of money that caused the price of gold to rise. There are a reason for gold price changes, but they are from the worth of currency changing, not the worth of gold changing.

Governments deflate the price of gold as artificially as DeBeers inflates the price of diamonds.
Not true again. DeBeers has close to a monopoly in diamonds. That isn't true for gold. To deflate the price of gold, central banks would need to sell massive amounts of it. Since about the mid 1960s the percentage of gold that central banks own compared to above ground reserves has plunged to less than 20%. In 1998 central bnks bought more gold than since WWII, yet the price of gold still kept sliding lower.

Central banks don't affect gold prices. Under a fixed exchange rate, like the Gold Standard, a currency devaluation will effect the price of gold, but that is a change in currency value, not in gold's value.

In all of the intances, the price of gold shot through the roof.
If the intrinsic value of gold would have changed, then these price changes would have shown up in dollar prices. You provide the answer so well youself when you write, "However, the Weimar Republic, the first democracy of Germany after WWI, were unable to keep a stable currency. Hyperinflation drove the price of a loaf of bread to a wheelbarrow of marks. Hitler, in turn raised the military budget as a way of stimulating the economy." Exactly. Germany printed more money. It was inflation. The mark's value fell with respect to gold since it was plentiful. Gold's value didn't change, though.

Gold's value doesn't change, currency values change. There is no reason for gold's value to change. Just looking at the price, like you do, and concluding that gold has changed in silly since there is an entire other side of the equation, the value of the currency.
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." - Parent ]

greenrd (none / 0) (#26)
by jjayson on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:24:21 AM EST

How can you give a 1 to that comment? Do you rate on pure emotion or something? I thought you once said that you didn't rate on agreement?
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." - Parent ]
you know what jjayson... (1.00 / 1) (#32)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:13:21 AM EST

i'm starting to think that you're a troll.

what would make me think that...

god i wonder...

hmm....

well, that's what i think. it's settled.

good day.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

+1, I'll buy you an Ad (4.66 / 3) (#11)
by debacle on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 09:32:30 PM EST

I really will.

It tastes sweet.
I wonder what fraction of people... (4.66 / 3) (#16)
by skyknight on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 10:37:28 PM EST

got the Ray Kroc reference. I read his autobiography as a kid. I'm not sure that I would know who he was apart from having done this.



It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
thats funny because (5.00 / 1) (#20)
by turmeric on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 11:29:43 PM EST

i didnt put one in, not consciously

[ Parent ]
probably subconsciously (none / 0) (#123)
by tjw on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 05:53:21 PM EST

Check out the walls next time you're in your neighborhood McDonald's.

You probably read Ray Kroc's mini-biography on a bronze plaque while your concious mind was fixated on more important things.

After thinking about it, I do realize that your Ray is actually a Ghostbuster, but my initial assumption was that you were talking about Mr. Kroc.

[ Parent ]

Wait a second... (3.50 / 2) (#17)
by desiderandus on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 10:37:50 PM EST

Do you read The Economist, turmeric? This sounds a lot like you're just reworking their idea of using McDonald's Big Mac prices to note currency discrepancies. Then again, it's still amusing how fast food is a monetary constant, both over time and across national boundaries.
_________
Our sins catch up to us in the worst possible way; they become part of our essential identities.
no (5.00 / 1) (#19)
by turmeric on Sat Aug 02, 2003 at 11:29:19 PM EST

no

[ Parent ]
Big Mac index (5.00 / 2) (#27)
by jjayson on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:31:02 AM EST

The Big Mac Index doesn't strictly measure currency value. It measures purchasing power. A mix of currency value, demand, income, and about anything else that you can think of that would affect purchasing power.

It's good since it shows you purchasing power parity, but bad because the value of a Big Mac can change in time and location (something you would rather not have your yardstick or other unit of accout doing).
--
"Fuck off, preferably with a bullet, if you can find one that's willing to defile itself by being in your head for a split second." - Parent ]

FATMOUSE SPEAKS AND YOU WILL LISTEN. (2.16 / 6) (#24)
by f a t m o u s e on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:17:01 AM EST

CALORIES ARE IMPORTANT. E-HAMBURGERS PROVIDE E-CALORIES. FATMOUSE REQUIRES MORE PRECIOUS CALORIES. FATMOUSE DEMANDS E-HAMBUGERS. FATMOUSE WILL GROW. FARMOUSE MUST FEED.

---

[FATMOUSE MUST FEED]

Ghetto 6 (none / 0) (#39)
by Michael Moore on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 04:08:31 AM EST

I nominate you for best new troll persona of the week. Assuming that's what you are.

--
"My life was more improved by a single use of [ecstasy] than someone's life is made worse by becoming a heroin addict." -- aphrael
[ Parent ]
what are you talking about? (none / 0) (#64)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 10:20:37 AM EST

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer is far better than this...

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks
[ Parent ]

please stand by the stairs... (4.75 / 4) (#41)
by kpaul on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 04:10:54 AM EST

i want to help you.


2014 Halloween Costumes
[ Parent ]
nit: (4.75 / 4) (#34)
by rmg on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:17:54 AM EST

what are those ugly things at the beginning of your sentences? you haven't used them in the past, and i know i don't...

it seems like a lot of other people use them, but i never really said anything about it. i didn't want them to feel bad... you know how buddha died and all that...

i was just wondering.. thought this might be the right time to ask.

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks

i'll gladly pay you tuesday... (4.62 / 8) (#40)
by kpaul on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 04:09:14 AM EST

for an e-burger today ;)


2014 Halloween Costumes
-1, rip-off (4.00 / 9) (#47)
by ubernostrum on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 05:32:45 AM EST

Oh come on, this is obviously lifted from Tim Dell's "Bovination Politics." And you didn't even do a good job.


--
You cooin' with my bird?
what are you talking about? (5.00 / 1) (#57)
by turmeric on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 08:54:25 AM EST

??? google for tom dell gives nothing

[ Parent ]
what he is talking about (5.00 / 1) (#92)
by skelter on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 02:44:44 AM EST

If you recall an article in the queue a few days ago by "kitten", I believe, on killing people. Supposedly it was a blatant ripoff of "Assassination Politics" by someone who's name esapes me.

[ Parent ]
Sorry I hurt your feelings (5.00 / 1) (#104)
by Hymen Restoration Surgery on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 11:12:52 AM EST

Obviously you really liked kitten's idea. I guess you're all embarrassed because the idea was 5 years old when someone duped you into believing it was new. Go ahead, spend a few more days crying about it.



--
H.R.S.
[ Parent ]
That's hilarious. (none / 0) (#122)
by Mohammed Niyal Sayeed on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 03:14:36 PM EST

You're hilarious. And of course, by hilarious, I mean retarded.

Now get your ass back to IRC so you can "witness" other people rephrasing previously existing ideas, which you can then be the good little bitch you are and help them deny that they stole it. Mongoloid.

Oops, sorry about that; for a second, I thought this was slashdot. Don't you have some back issues of 2600 to read anyway?


--
"You need to get your own point, then we can have an elaborate dance fight." - jmzero

[ Parent ]
Please accept my apologies, (3.33 / 3) (#53)
by danni on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 08:32:55 AM EST

I mean to vote fp, but I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing.

+1FP (3.40 / 5) (#54)
by DJ Glock on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 08:39:24 AM EST

i can appreciate good satire.

yes, this is funny, but it is also very thought-provoking. think about it. how much does a big mac cost these days? $1.29 after tax? that means that a double cheeseburger with special sauce holds more value than the U.S. dollar to most people.

interesting, isn't it? this is why i voted +1FP.

*** ANONYMIZED ***

+1FP, Says turmeric's Most Loyal Reader. (4.25 / 4) (#56)
by MichaelCrawford on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 08:53:28 AM EST

Every article turmeric submits gets a front page vote from me.

If we all work together, we can prevent any more of turmeric's insightful commentary from being lost to history.


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


Why I dined at MacDonals while in Paris (4.00 / 4) (#58)
by MichaelCrawford on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 09:08:26 AM EST

I spent a week visiting Paris in November 1997. I had the tremendous good fortune to stay with a Parisian family there, right in the middle of the city. They were close friends of a fellow that I worked with in California, who was an immigrant from France.

After just a few days, I started to eat breakfast each morning at the McDonalds near the apartment where I was staying. Why? Because I was on a limited budget, and as an American, I was hungry in the morning. I was tired of paying the equivalent of six American dollars for a coffee and a croissant.

While I love croissants and the coffee was always excellent, I was starving until lunch and had to take care to conserve my cash for the entire trip. So I had a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and "Cafe Amerecain" at McDonalds for a couple dollars less than the high-quality yet unsatisfying breakfast I got at real Parisian restaurants.

I always had real French food for lunch. However, I simply did not eat at supper at all - the price of an evening meal in a good Parisian restaurant was more than I could afford, and I couldn't bring myself to eat supper at McDonalds as well. I did have the good fortune of having my hosts make supper for me in their apartment.


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


real parisians (5.00 / 3) (#59)
by turmeric on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 09:54:05 AM EST

probably buy groceries and cook things

[ Parent ]
My hosts did, but WHAT groceries (5.00 / 2) (#67)
by MichaelCrawford on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 10:47:50 AM EST

I had a couple of dinners cooked and served by the couple I was staying with. Most nights I made myself scarce though so I wouldn't be burden to them.

Me, an American, I go to the big supermarket once a week or so and buy a load of your basic staples. I drive there in my Ford Taurus station wagon. One or two other days a week I pick up a couple of little things like coffee cream. I have a big full-size refrigerator and lots of cupboard space.

My parisian friends, though, would go grocery shopping every night. They only buy enough food for supper and lunch the next day. They only had a little refrigerator, the size of what American college students would use as a beer fridge.

They only had to walk a couple blocks to come to a street full of markets. There was a butcher shop, and a bakery, and a couple of cheese shops. Every different kind of food had its own shop. I was enthralled with the cheese shop.

I never knew there could be so many different kinds of cheese! One of my greatest sources of shame as an American is to know what Europeans must think of us when they visit my country and learn what passes for cheese in the United States - worst of all is "American Cheese". As someone posted to the (apparently defunct) World Anti-Mayonnaise Association guestbook, I would rather drink herpes-ridden ejaculate than eat American Cheese.

My hosts were people of very modest means. Yet they would purchase ingredients for the most fabulous meals. I'm sure they went to some extra effort on my behalf, but I had the impression that the sort of food they prepared was common for them.

One night we each had a dozen oysters on the half shell.


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


[ Parent ]

health food stores (5.00 / 3) (#72)
by turmeric on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:47:19 PM EST

local health food store, or wild oats, whole foods, etc. they have actual food instead of processsed garbage

[ Parent ]
I can make dinner for 5 with 5 bucks. (none / 0) (#97)
by Tezcatlipoca on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 08:41:33 AM EST

I kid you not.

The problem today is time, people have not got the time to cook (or that is the excuse, I can prepare you that dinner in 10 minutes).

Might is right
Freedom? Which freedom?
[ Parent ]

dinner for 5 (5.00 / 2) (#100)
by eudas on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 10:14:37 AM EST

5 boxes of mac 'n' cheese doesn't count.

eudas
"We're placing this wood in your ass for the good of the world" -- mrgoat
[ Parent ]

What about 5 boxes of Ramen? (nt) (none / 0) (#115)
by randyk on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 08:56:43 PM EST



[ Parent ]
All the French I know (none / 0) (#118)
by fraise on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 07:32:09 AM EST

Also go to the supermarket once a week or so and load up on staples. However, fresh fruits and vegetables are often bought every day from local markets when available, as can be meats, poultry products and fish. Paris is a bit of an exception as to prices and living space - I don't know any French person with such a small refrigerator, although I did have one that size when we lived in Finland.

Nonetheless I'm pretty dumbfounded that you had to pay 6 dollars for coffee and a croissant so many years ago - that's extremely expensive. Currently, coffee should only be about $1-2, although I've seen it at $3 in large cities, and croissants shouldn't be any more than $1 from bakeries, IIRC. (I have a gluten intolerance so can't eat wheat anymore, thus the IIRC.) My boyfriend buys two or three for himself whenever he can, sometimes he buys pain au chocolat (rectangluar croissant-type bread, filled with chocolat in the middle) too. Non-Parisian French breakfasts are pretty hearty affairs. Baguettes with butter and jam, a bowl of coffee, croissants, pain au chocolat - hard to still be hungry after one of those!

[ Parent ]
I went on a trip to Europe for ten days... (4.66 / 3) (#68)
by skyknight on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:19:28 PM EST

as a high school graduation present from my grandparents. My group landed in Switzerland, and embarrassingly enough, the first thing we ate was McDonald's.

What we'd have for lunch and dinner was good enough, but breakfast just about killed me. I'm the kind of guy who wants steak, eggs and heavily buttered toast for breakfast and coffee laden with cream. What we'd get in the hotels was bread, jam and tea. It occurred to me while I was over there that people, by way of comparison to Americans (my only other frame of reference), seemed very thin, and oft times even frail. I think it has to do with an aversion to getting sufficient caloric intake, and a general disdain for protein.



It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
National diet (4.00 / 1) (#102)
by gidds on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 10:30:04 AM EST

people, by way of comparison to Americans... seemed very thin, and oft times even frail. I think it has to do with an aversion to getting sufficient caloric intake, and a general disdain for protein.

As a Brit who's visited the US, I think it's because Americans are fat *******s!

Eating out, it was noticeable just how much larger your portions are than I'm used to; the sort of breakfast you describe would be exceptional here except as a special treat. Also highly noticeable was the sweetness of the food -- almost everything seemed to be sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup (which is almost unknown over here) or similar flavourings. Even something simple like Heinz Tomato Ketchup was different - yours is thinner, gloopier, sweeter, and less tomatoey than ours, despite the almost identical packaging. The US diet seems to be far more sugary and starchy than ours, and from what I hear ours is still relatively so compared to other European countries. (Dr Atkins has something relevant to say, but this isn't the place...)

But what worries me even more than the massive rate of obesity and related conditions in the US is your implication that there's something wrong with having a more modest mass! Human beings weren't build to lug huge mounds of blubber around with them. Does your national psyche have some unconscious meme that fat=good or something?

Andy/
[ Parent ]

The average American... (none / 0) (#109)
by skyknight on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 12:57:29 PM EST

is an idiot about food, falling to the opposite extreme of other countries, eating too much instead of too little, and eating a lot of the wrong stuff. There is no virtue in hauling around a bunch of lard, but there is in having muscle, which is not attainable if one is protein starved. A good set of musculature does wonders for taking strain of the skeletal system, something that you'll perhaps not appreciate until you're older and have ruined your bones and joints. Of course, carrying around too much fat cancels out this benefit by putting more strain on the whole system. A lot of back, knee and hip problems are brought about by carting around too much lard.

Americans do indeed like their food disgustingly sweet for the most part. I can't stand what passes for ketchup here. The only time I really want my food sweet is for dessert. To compound the problem of an over-fondness for sugary and greasy things, most Americans also don't get enough exercise. I wish there were an ordinance that didn't let fat people ride on the subway. Blegh.



It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
and as an American, I was hungry in the morning. (5.00 / 2) (#69)
by mami on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:39:46 PM EST

... being hungry in the morning now a patriotic American thingy ?

[ Parent ]
Yes. (5.00 / 3) (#73)
by RobotSlave on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 01:55:22 PM EST

It's also been scientifically demonstrated that waking up in the morning with a vigorous erection is a distinctly American phenomenon.

Well, for men, anyway.

[ Parent ]

well then, I didn't know that the American (none / 0) (#113)
by mami on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 06:25:02 PM EST

phenomenon got so vigorously on the mainstream cosmopolitan band-wagon lately ... joy all over, there is hope after all for world peace.

[ Parent ]
Nothing beats the old bread-and-cheese diet (5.00 / 3) (#77)
by Detritus on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 04:08:13 PM EST

I spent five days in Paris last summer with my family, and more than half of the food I consumed there was bread and cheese. It never gets old; at Fran Prix (a little grocery store the size of an American gas station), they had more varieties of cheese than I could try in a whole month.

Thrown in just-out-of-the-oven baguette, and you have a wonderful dinner for a few bucks!

Kings and lords come and go and leave nothing but statues in a desert, while a couple of young men tinkering in a workshop change the way the world works — Havelock Vetinari
[ Parent ]

well said turmeric (4.25 / 4) (#70)
by VoxLobster on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 12:50:17 PM EST

I do believe I shall fire up the BBQ and take some profits this afternoon. +1FP

VoxLobster
I was raised by a cup of coffee! -- Homsar

finally, it's in voting! (2.00 / 2) (#76)
by DJ Glock on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 03:40:15 PM EST

i thought i would never get to +1 FP this.

*** ANONYMIZED ***

Were you inspired by Wimpey? (3.50 / 2) (#82)
by nadreck on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 07:37:10 PM EST

"For a hamburger today I will gladly pay you next Tuesday." Wimpey of Popeye's universe.
Nadreck of Palain VII (ok, ok, really Jim Grant of Yellowknife)
commodities (3.00 / 2) (#83)
by cronian on Sun Aug 03, 2003 at 07:39:14 PM EST

How about commodities like pigs, cows, sugar, flour, etc?

We perfect it; Congress kills it; They make it; We Import it; It must be anti-Americanism
My one problem (4.00 / 3) (#93)
by livus on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 03:29:59 AM EST

with this is that McDonalds does not in fact make hamburgers.  

I'd feel odd sending you a cow in return for a burger that is, in all probability, made from miscellaneous small animals which McDonalds pays starving childen in some roadkill-rich country 50c a day to prise from the road with spatulas.

However, a minor quibble really.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

Burgers (4.00 / 1) (#95)
by minamikuni on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 04:57:26 AM EST

Last I heard Macdonalds claimed all their meat came from the US.

That doesn't necessarily mean your description is wrong, of course. There's a lot of miles of highway out there. :)

[ Parent ]

In the US (5.00 / 1) (#103)
by ZanThrax on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 11:06:25 AM EST

They claim their meat comes from US cows. In Canada, it comes from Canadian cows. In Britain, it absolutely does not under any circumstances come from British cows.

There is no spoon, there never was a spoon, and there never will be a spoon.
[ Parent ]

In singapore (none / 0) (#105)
by ph317 on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 11:23:39 AM EST

They claim their meat is from australian cattle.  I wouldn't be surprised if in all cases they use a large percentage of various fillers like cornmeal and seaweed to reduce cost and change the nutritional characteristics.

[ Parent ]
seaweed or "seaweed"? (5.00 / 1) (#126)
by livus on Wed Aug 06, 2003 at 04:59:35 AM EST

"Soylent Green is People!"

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Don't you mean... (4.60 / 5) (#99)
by the hermit on Mon Aug 04, 2003 at 09:08:52 AM EST

an es-cow account?

wow, this site has really gotten better lately... (3.00 / 3) (#117)
by rmg on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 12:24:27 AM EST

ever since about july fourth, it has become somehow better...

better than it was the previous month...

what is it about this site lately? i don't know.

for some reason, i actually like reading this site. but i don't know why.

it's a strange thing. for some reason, it is just much better. enjoyable even.

what... what is it?

could anybody tell me?

_____ intellectual tiddlywinks

Half-life of currency (4.25 / 4) (#119)
by eric1562 on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 08:50:34 AM EST

A grand idea. Though there are a couple of points that could, I think, be usefully made:

The point of using perishables as currency is to stimulate the economy in the same way as inflation, but without having to bother with inflation.

Assuming, somewhat generously, that a hamburger has a viable shelf-life of three days, this will have undesirable social consequences. Anyone getting paid on a Friday, for example, is likely to take their food to the nearest restaurant and swap it for beer.

A more stable currency, which is less subject to counterfeiting, easier to put a date to, and yet still resists hoarding, would be cheese.

However, cows (and other bovines where cows are proscribed from use as currency for availability/political/economic/military reasons), are a brilliant, if retrospective solution to the problem of which 'gold' standard to use.

As it happens, the stability of cows has recently come under scrutiny by both European and North American governments. The results of the BSE Inquiry (www.bse.org.uk), a recent investigation into just such alternatives to the Euro, show exactly how desperate major world powers are to protect the status quo.

It is surely time our leaders learned that they cannot stifle the inevitable march of economic truth.

Well OK, but it's a commodity like any other.. (4.00 / 3) (#124)
by darksym on Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 08:15:46 PM EST

Unfortunately this idea won't work for Canadians, or internationally -- here is why:

While the beef prices in the U.S. might appear to be stable, beef is a commodity like any other. The nature of commodities is this: prices are bound to fluctuate and if it isn't market forces or trade disputes, the prices can and WILL change over time.

Alberta economy needs border beef ban to end. In Western Canada and all of Canada to some extent the price of beef has plummeted. Unfortunately, Canada has relied heavily on it's export markets to key economies such as the U.S. and Japan that have all but collapsed and are now in dispute. The U.S. was responsible up until recently for a significant percentage of the beef production in Canada. Since the U.S. and Japan banned beef exports from Canada; herds have been slaughtered, ground beef wholesaled, cows have been sold to U.S. producers at below cost, workers laid off, factories closed and prices dropped.

The Lesson here: This is why it is important for economies to diversify their trade and to ensure their domestic market is strong despite international trade ties. The Canadian economy seems to be largely (among other things) an exporter of natural resources; a bad position to be in during uncertain times and when your Prime Minister isn't invited to The Ranch. (Will Paul Martin do any better?) It's the same issue with Canadian softwood lumber, except there the sticking point is subsidies.

Trade is being distorted all the time. And it happens every-where -- free trade is left behind in favor of subsidies and politicing where big money special interest groups seem to have a strong hold. Look at farming practices in North America and (especially) Europe to see why every bite you eat could contribute to trade distortion. The question seems to be: should it be any other way? Are you willing to allow your farmers to go broke if they "aren't competitive" in a globalized world? Wouldn't you prefer to get your food from a domestic supply? Today I had rye bread from Germany and raspberries from California that came from the local supermarket -- and I questioned: does everything I eat really need to travel that far before it reaches my mouth? But then I rembered, that's free trade (and globalization).

But anyway, the point is this scheme will never work outside of the U.S., if even there. Pick a commodity, any commodity, and despite best efforts of cartels and meddling governments to fix prices, prices can never be a sure thing.

thanks for completely muddying everything up (none / 0) (#127)
by turmeric on Wed Aug 06, 2003 at 10:07:36 PM EST

globalization is not about you getting raspberries its about being able to hire slaves in countries with no labor laws or environmental regulations. diversification is good but so is not feeding your cows BSE. besides if you wanna talk cost, what about all the hidden costs of those 'cheap strawberries' at the store? considering that the transport infrastructure made to get them there is in the trillions of dollars, including oil, gasoline, auto, and highways, all of which are heavily subsidized by the govt... do you think local small time farmers would qualify for that kind of subsidy?

[ Parent ]
e-hamburgers | 128 comments (84 topical, 44 editorial, 0 hidden)
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