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The Joy of K5: Recipes

By spooked in Op-Ed
Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 05:50:43 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

As many of you have noticed, there has been a deluge of recipes and food related stories. It's as if a floodgate of anecdotal recipes and comments has been unleashed upon the queue. Both balsamic vinigga's and Trollaxor's stubble stories were meant to discourage this swell of Christmas time cheer. Now, I present for the meek, scared of e-backlash, a guide to making your very own K5 recipe from scratch.

The body of the articles often starts with a list of things you will need to make the given item if this list hasn't already been displayed in the introduction. I will also provide one for example. It looks just like this:
  • 1 Computer with Internet Connection
  • 1 Word Processing Software
  • 2.5 kilos of Anecdotal Trivia
Be sure to use ingredients that are non-traditional and packaged. Why cut your own tomatoes when you can buy them canned? Why mix your own spices when you can buy commercial-grade medleys? Often, the author make claims that making your own food saves you money yet they buy marked-up processed ingredients. Obliviously, this isn't true. The reason for this is laziness and poor taste. Since the majority of said authors are American, it's their way. When writing the story you should keep this maxim in mind: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Now, once you've finished your list you can start with necessary steps to finish the story. We'll break this into two sections: Preparation and Style.


Know, based on first hand knowledge, what you're making. It's best to choose ethnic cuisine that is different then your ethnicity. For example: if I, the Caucasian Canadian, were to write about Thai dishes. I hear you saying "but you're not Thai!" This is irrelevant. The trend is to write about things that you know nothing about. It was mentioned earlier that one should choose sub par, non-traditional ingredients. Since by default you know very little about the ingredients this task should be fairly easy.

You will need to research or just think of some trivia concerning the dish. Faulty translations, roots meaning of the name of the dish or the origin of the dish are perfect for this task. Since the dish is foreign, no one will be able to question this information. They will accept it because everything you read on the Internet is true, since this statement is on the 'net, it must in itself must be true. The readers will remember this trivia and bring it up at parties to sound interesting. Then they will either impress or have to defend this info tooth and nail as to not sound naive.


The style of the story will make or break it. There are a number of things to keep in mind when writing it. Always write in a calm, pseudo-intellectual style without being pretentious. To accomplish this use a variety of words, avoid repetition and be sure to use complex punctuation; correct full and semi-colon use are ideal for this. Also, hyphenate as mush as possible, even when unnecessary. I.E.: medium-heat, slotted-spoon, e-backlash. Avoid pretension with simple yet clever off-hand humor. Anything too smart or clever would offend the reader. Be sure to reference pop-culture, student life, blue collar life or office work. Anything else is too specific and as a result won't be understood. This will make the reader feel stupid and they will become offended in their ignorance.

Be firm in your statements. Tell the reader what to do. You recipe should be hard, fast and definite. Any and all variations should be considered blasphemous even if the recipe is a personal variation of another recipe. If they want something different, they can write their own story. You also must comfort the reader so they don't scare away. This is a paradox but in practice it works. You must imply that this recipe is the only path to safety and salvation in the war-torn wasteland of the kitchen. You will temper you harshness with promises of comfort and rapture. This is the Truth, the Way and the Light.

After a few notes about serving the dish you can finish off the story with a clever exit line. "Now you too can enjoy Malaysian delight by the fireside" or "dish out the chicken legs and watch your guests put a foot in their mouth" are fine examples.

That's it. Light some candles, compile some C++ or whatever gets you in the mood then dish it out to the queue and enjoy!

Now you too can write recipes on K5.


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Related Links
o balsamic vinigga's
o Trollaxor' s
o Also by spooked

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The Joy of K5: Recipes | 52 comments (42 topical, 10 editorial, 0 hidden)
Only here (2.72 / 11) (#1)
by rusty on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 05:31:20 PM EST

Only on a site inahbited largely by programmers would someone write an algorithmic story on how to wite a certain class of stories.

Can future recipes simply be posted as instances of this story, with a few parameters filled in?

Not the real rusty

LOL (2.20 / 5) (#3)
by Dr Gonzo on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 05:39:57 PM EST

You're so cute when you act like you can program.

"I felt the warmth spread across my lap as her bladder let loose." - MichaelCrawford
[ Parent ]

Not I (3.00 / 3) (#13)
by rusty on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 08:10:58 PM EST

I've heard this is the way programmers think.

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
You're almost there (none / 1) (#4)
by EvilGwyn on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 05:55:08 PM EST

clearly, this story needs to be constructed as a C++ template, as the recipe will also vary depending on the type of story the person is trying to create, as well as the ingredients, steps, troll level etc.

[ Parent ]
That's shameful rusty. (3.00 / 4) (#5)
by The Black Ness Monster on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 05:56:04 PM EST

I mean, this is YOUR site. How can you forget the greatest meta story ever?

[ Parent ]
Snarky accusation of trolling. [lack of text flag] (3.00 / 2) (#12)
by rusty on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 08:10:29 PM EST

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
Indignant title! (3.00 / 2) (#15)
by The Black Ness Monster on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 08:36:30 PM EST

Witty retort.

Reference to monacle polishing yacht-hampsters.

Asian-inspired indication of mirth!

[ Parent ]
notification that the joke is now old (none / 1) (#24)
by Delirium on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 01:28:52 AM EST

lack of comment body

[ Parent ]
Insistent dead-horse beating (none / 1) (#26)
by rusty on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 05:09:18 AM EST

Further beating. More beating. Pig-headed, utterly inexcusable beating.

Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
Battering expired equines makes me cry. (none / 1) (#27)
by The Baby Jesus on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 05:23:47 AM EST

The horse is dead. Fuck it or walk away, but stop beating it.
-- Juan Rico in alt.tasteless

[ Parent ]
Kuro5hin: Because that dead horse (none / 1) (#28)
by wiredog on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 08:49:17 AM EST

ain't gonna beat itself

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
Indignant note that author forgot to include (none / 1) (#29)
by wiredog on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 08:55:43 AM EST

a poll.

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
You bastard (none / 1) (#35)
by Herring on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 05:20:29 PM EST

Don't remind him of the time when K5 was entertaining.

Say lol what again motherfucker, say lol what again, I dare you, no I double dare you
[ Parent ]
my sentiments exactly (none / 1) (#49)
by WetherMan on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 12:03:46 PM EST

every time i surf back in time to ko4ting, or see stuff like this and start reading the comments i'm reminded of why i started reading this site regularly.

now i'm not sure why i stay.

probably for the same reasons a woman stays with her abusive husband for years... which is all sorts of wrong... heh.
fluorescent lights make me look like old hot dogs
[ Parent ]

we need a template (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by minerboy on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 07:19:17 PM EST

so we can create these stories with much less work, perhaps some other templates - for example an anti-bush template, and anti-Canadian, an MLP template, etc. - It would sure make submitting stories easier.

[ Parent ]
Mad Libs (3.00 / 4) (#14)
by adimovk5 on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 08:29:32 PM EST

Does anyone remember Mad Libs? Maybe you could create a new section for new members to play in. It would be nice if new members could fill in nouns and verbs to create stories.

[ Parent ]
Ha, ha ha ha... ahhhh. (3.00 / 3) (#22)
by Trollaxor on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 12:20:53 AM EST

That's really something, isn't it?

*strokes goatee*
*self-satisfied sigh*

[ Parent ]

bah. (none / 1) (#33)
by pb on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 04:52:13 PM EST

I'm waiting for the more general version--a HOWTO Story on HOWTO Story Writing.

Also note: HOWTO Stories almost always get posted; the worse they are, the better they do.
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]

Some1 wrote that, don't remember what happened to (none / 0) (#44)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 08:09:19 PM EST


"What's next, sigging a k5er quote about sigging someone on k5?"

[ Parent ]
The K5 trolling HOWTO (none / 0) (#46)
by wiredog on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 10:46:32 AM EST

by Spiralx.

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
True (none / 1) (#51)
by mikepence on Thu Dec 16, 2004 at 10:16:16 PM EST

But a true geek could reduce all of the content on K5 down to one regular expression...but it still would not be searchable.

[ Parent ]
PURE FUCKING GENIUS (3.00 / 3) (#6)
by balsamic vinigga on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 05:59:52 PM EST

Where was this gem when I was writing my story?  This could have saved me hours trying to fumble my way through authoring the recipe!

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
IAWTP (none / 1) (#7)
by Meshigene Ferd on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 06:01:17 PM EST

in more ways than one.
‮‫אַ גויישע קאָפּ!‮

[ Parent ]

Precursor, or One Begets The Other (none / 1) (#20)
by Peahippo on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 11:50:22 PM EST

Gem? If spooked's treatment is a diamond, then yours was carbon. Under sufficient pressure, he made his from your own.

[ Parent ]
damn. thats hot. (none / 1) (#21)
by spooked on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 12:11:41 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Man, seems like a lot of work. (3.00 / 2) (#8)
by mcc on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 06:03:27 PM EST

Couldn't you just plug a perl script into a markov chain generator and have it write them for you?

Penises. (1.45 / 11) (#9)
by Dr Gonzo on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 06:15:46 PM EST

Big, floppy dicks.

"I felt the warmth spread across my lap as her bladder let loose." - MichaelCrawford
[ Parent ]

+1FP, reeeeealy funny. ;-) (none / 1) (#10)
by wejn on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 07:10:03 PM EST

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas... (2.50 / 2) (#17)
by DLWormwood on Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 09:11:54 PM EST

...my true love gave to me...
  • 4 parody "op-ed" articles making fun of parody "food" stories
  • 3 food articles, making fun of posted recipes
  • 2 copycat recipes, posted for the pre-Christmas rush
  • And an original Xmas recipe

Those who complain about affect & effect on k5 should be disemvoweled
-1 (1.33 / 3) (#23)
by Ashur on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 12:46:27 AM EST

the story about eating boogers was much funnier.

yeah. youre right. (none / 0) (#42)
by spooked on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 07:58:16 PM EST

im at a loss for text.

[ Parent ]
2.5 kilos? (none / 0) (#31)
by Deven P on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 03:46:32 PM EST

Everyone knows that you're supposed to use 2.1 kilos. You're clearly from California.

you caught me. (none / 0) (#40)
by spooked on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 07:49:30 PM EST

i am from greater cascadia.

all hail the pacific rim!

[ Parent ]
I've had it in mind to post several recipes (none / 0) (#37)
by MichaelCrawford on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 06:01:49 PM EST

Some my own, some my wife's.

I'll have to wait until the uproar dies down.


Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy

the quick fix. (none / 0) (#41)
by spooked on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 07:56:22 PM EST

this was my plan. no one can post recipes legitimately now. this story isnt without its faults but damn, its one fine wide-spectrum antibiotic. killin' bacteria, harmful or not. mostly it will just lead to strains of super food articles that will be immune to lesser trolls and meta-stories.

[ Parent ]
Is that because of (none / 1) (#48)
by jolly st nick on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 11:35:08 AM EST

that guy who is holding a gun to your head making you read articles you aren't personally interested in?

[ Parent ]
Jeez (none / 1) (#38)
by aphasia on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 07:38:24 PM EST

Derivative. Come up with something unique, why dontcha?

"You have *huge* brass balls. Tex would be jealous." --ti dave

clearly. (none / 0) (#39)
by spooked on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 07:46:51 PM EST

its because colloquialisms are just too much work. unique? if i did come up with something unique it would have been voted down long, long ago.

[ Parent ]
I know this wasn't a serious article (none / 0) (#45)
by wintermute77 on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 06:32:33 AM EST

But I don't like the way this is headed.. It has always kindof annoyed me the way some sites on the internet (ala ThinkGeek) pander to the geek stereotype, but I tolerate it, because who cares.

It does hit home, however, when places promote unhealthy activities such as the eating of Ramen Noodles and coffee only. I liked the other articles, which were more gourmet style, but perhaps difficult to prepare.

But, anyways. As a geek, I've always been interested in recipies that are easy to prepare and clean up after, but also aren't going to kill me. Anyone have some of these for sharing? I usually get Trader Joes Salmon, green beans, and a Spinach Salad. (with maybe some feta and oil/red wine vinegarette on it.)

Evidence that online communities are real (none / 1) (#47)
by jolly st nick on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 11:18:41 AM EST

(1) Traditional holiday observances evolve.

(2) People begin to rail gainst these observances.

(3) Railing against traditional holiday observances becomes a traditional holiday observance.

Almost as good as.... (none / 0) (#50)
by FooDawg on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 01:41:29 PM EST

Confusingly titled meta story

LOL it is a meme (none / 0) (#52)
by newb4b0 on Tue Aug 01, 2006 at 01:25:02 AM EST

http://www.netmoneychat.com| NetMoneyChat Forums. No Registration necessary. Ya'll.

The Joy of K5: Recipes | 52 comments (42 topical, 10 editorial, 0 hidden)
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