The Bad News
As always, there are the inevitable party poopers and black clouds that hang over truly awesome and totally sweet ideas like this one. That god damned liberal media has responded by inciting fear, uncertainty, and doubt about whether or not the streets of this great state will soon run red with blood, Tale of Two Cities style. All across the city, nay, the world, commies, who would be the first to defend a wild animal's right to "stand their ground" and maul the shit out of you, are getting their dirty red panties in a twist over the possibility that people might be afforded the same privilege.
One of the more "aggressive" examples of this is a recent advertisement published by the Brady Campaign (which has been successfully identified as being aligned with the Reds) that warns tourists that they could be shot. Headlines read like:
Florida tourists warned that locals could shoot them. -(The Scotsman)
This is humorous to Floridians for one reason: it is so fucking true and we are positively ecstatic that the socialists are doing us the favor of spamming it all over creation, especially in that over-hyped, lucky-charm-eating pit of anus called Scotland. Every time I think of what I can now do to the next fatbody with curly red hair sticking out from underneath his Micky Mouse-ears who yells at me or manages to risk damage to his pasty-white skin by sticking out his middle finger at me, I quietly squeal with joy, not unlike a baby or a pig might do in their moments of unbridled happiness.
In summary, let me just agree with what all the liberal rags out there are whining about in all their little newspapers, which goes especially true for all you tourists who want to bring your hellspawn offspring down here and pay big dollars to wander around in the most God-forsaken, awful humidity the U.S. has to offer just to take pictures with pedophiles dressed in Disney costumes: do not be rude to us. Mind your manners in public like your trash mother told you to do between Bingo games and chains of cigarettes. Do not be aggressive. Do not yell at me in my car if I make a mistake, or I will chase you down EPCOT Center Drive with my Desert Eagle .50 caliber delivering sweet, hot round after round into your rented Taurus while you and your family simultaneously lose all bowel control and accidentally drive into the wave pool at Blizzard Beach. If you do intend to come here with an attitude, you better bring a bigger gun than mine, as well as a desire to use it against 200,000 locals who are just itching to Stand Their mother-fucking Ground. Moving on...
Inevitably, there will be those who won't like this law. You will be able to identify these people by their trademark freedom hating and over sensationalizing. They will probably be French, or will at least sympathize with the French. They largely fall into one or more of the following groups, and probably belong to official organizations that help them pool their collective loathing of all things Apple Pie to achieve some kind of unnatural maximum worthlessness.
Don't think for even a minute that the Reds aren't still alive and operating in this great country, or that they don't positively loathe any kind of gun legislation that doesn't involve hording us all into camps and stadiums. Most Communists in the U.S. today are Democrats and cowards who hide behind the organized liberal fronts that are setup to conceal their identities. The Washington Committee for Democratic Action is a perfect example of this. Also, reputable sources have linked many of the mainstream news media organizations to the Commies, like The New York Times and CNN. Florida is now specially equipped to deal with Communists and we suggest you send them all down here so that we can either adjust their attitudes to be kind and loving Republicans like we are, or slaughter them on the streets and send a huge barge of dead commies drifting towards Cuba where they rightly belong.
The state of the American Male, as a gender, is a very disheartening thing to behold, right now. Gone are the days when men made quick, rational choices and took immediate and decisive action to deal out righteousness and justice. In the good 'ol days, if you believed that another man behaved inappropriately towards you in a public place, you would slap him with your glove and then you would shoot it out in the streets with your trusty six-shooter until the guy who was in the wrong died, leaving the victor righteously vindicated. Now, all we have is feminists and homosexuals running rampant over the country with their bra-burning and pillow-biting, castrating the male gender by criticizing their natural desire to be the keepers and enforcers of respect and dignity in our society. Pussies positively cannot stand the idea of the use of force or the necessity of causing pain unless they are talking about anus sex or ball gags. They will be the ones decrying the sanctity of human life and not giving two shits about the victims that they are creating by their defense of criminals. Pussies are not a real threat to the cause of freedom because if you bitch slap them enough they will eventually shut the fuck up and go form a support group, go to their cave, and find their power animal.
You know the type. When presented with the situation of being on the wrong end of gun, hippies always seem to have a flower handy. They probably grow them in their dirty, unwashed hippy asses and pluck them when needed. They will place one of these ass-flowers into the barrel of the gun while taking a hit off the bong and singing some Bob Dylan song. Oh, by the way, Bob Dylan fans are the worst. Who could possibly be able to enjoy listening to that no-talent hack and his nasally voice and simplistic guitar riffs? I'll tell you who: the worst of the worst, those who probably fall into all 3 of our Haters groups, the Commie Hippy Fag. You shouldn't have to worry too much about Hippies opposing this law because they are typically too busy smoking dope and dancing naked in the woods to notice when shit like this happens. The worst case scenario is that Radiohead will release some hippy song that no one can decipher the lyrics to, Susan Sarandon will make a comment that will be attributed to her senility, and Al Gore will grow more facial hair.
However, there are those who will stand behind this bill and support every aspect of every remote possibility that this law might introduce. These are the heroes that we should align ourselves with. They set an example for all of us to follow by being examples of intelligence and fortitude in a world that is being infested with aforementioned Haters. We need the cream of the crop to rise up and show us how to best manage our problems, and so the number one champion of our cause should come as no surprise.
George W. Bush
God has truly blessed America, and we have only Him and his followers to thank for elevating such an honorable and capable man to the most powerful position in the known universe. He is the ambassador of justice, the champion of morality, and a stalwart against which wave after wave of unethical, unwashed, heathen societies are impaled and smitten. It was this man who has inspired a whole generation of young men to "fight them over there instead of fighting them here", which is a principle that underscores this most recent Florida law. For those of you who are good, polite, and upstanding folk who do not choose to carry weapons, you can look at this law as my opportunity to liberate you from the oppressive forces of cynical depravity that have taken our streets. Those of us who are armed, we will carry your banner out there, keeping constant vigil against those that we would Stand Our Ground against, so that you don't have to worry about fighting them in your homes, schools, and places of work.
Dirty Fucking Harry
Florida is now living in the world that Dirty Harry has been living in since 1971. Dirty Harry knew how to get things fucking done in a society where armed men are the defenders of the public interest. I would recommend that each and every gun-toting Floridian immediately rent all 5 Dirty Harry movies and study them. You are looking to understand Harry and how he handles the criminals who attempt to use any kind of force on him. Usually, he just pulls out his ample sized sidearm and guns the criminal down in the street, sometimes while they are unarmed, trapped, and retreating. This is obviously the best method for you to model your own behavior on. Other times, Harry will beat the everloving shit out of an aggressor. While effective, this introduces you to unnecessary risks like broken bones, or even worse, self-restraint. You're better off just firing at the aggressor from as much of a distance as your aim will allow.
Shut Your God Damned Pie Hole and You Won't Get Shot
Here are some practical suggestions for those of you who don't wish to test the quality of Florida's understanding of GSW treatment.
Don't Yell At Me. Yelling at me makes me angry and I will execute you like a foreign war criminal if you do it.
Don't Flip Me Off. Flipping me off pisses me off so fucking badly that I wish this law made it legal for me to immolate you right on the spot instead of shooting you. That's right, when you flip me off I want to set fire to your body and watch you and your middle finger cook until charred. Maybe we can get that on the next session.
Don't Flirt, Stare, Gaze Longingly, or even Glance at my Bitch. People will come out of the woodwork to shoot you for this. Not only will I methodically empty clip after clip into you, but so will my bitch, and so will everyone else that is in the general area at the time. Even kids will get their .22's out and come over to shoot your dead body until it literally doesn't exist anymore and we are all standing around shooting a big red spot on the asphalt.
Finally, The Respect I Deserve
In conclusion, I am really happy this law was passed and has finally been enacted. This country is increasingly loaded down with trailer trash and buttloving hippies who have no respect for anyone else or any decency to speak of, and it is about time that us vaginal-sex-havers took matters into our own hands to remedy the whole problem. For you decent folk who would come here to visit our fine attractions and to be courteous and polite and who would be civilized, we welcome you.
To the rest of you, I have only one thing to say to you: We are Floridians; Do Not Fuck With Us.