Kuro5hin.org: technology and culture, from the trenches
create account | help/FAQ | contact | links | search | IRC | site news
[ Everything | Diaries | Technology | Science | Culture | Politics | Media | News | Internet | Op-Ed | Fiction | Meta | MLP ]
We need your support: buy an ad | premium membership

1419's How To Wake Up Angry At 5 am Every Morning.

By 1419 in Op-Ed
Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 04:54:14 AM EST
Tags: 1419, joni mitchell, compleat gentlemen-assholes, who complain about their dates, op-ed, culture, sleep (all tags)

In the grand tradition of K5 how to articles, I offer you: 1419's How to wake up angry at 5am every morning.

A Reply to Marcovich's "How to wake up by 6:30 every morning - for the serious procrastinator"

So you want to rule the world. Or maybe not get fired from your job. Whatever. You need to wake up.

Marcovich's sleeping pills, cola and pop tarts, radio, movies, auto-start computer with comedy is clever and had the benefit of being somewhat pleasant. But as you all know 1419 isn't about pleasant. 1419 is the cruel hammer of fate crushing you into submission until you cry uncle.

Sleep is a reflex, and it can be nurtured by good sleep hygiene (which is elaborated upon elsewhere, but it follows the idea of Pavlov's conditioned reflex - consistent sleep time, the bed as a unique sleep stimulus, and so on).

Your goal then is to weaken the strength of the sleep reflex. A reflex, as you know, is controlled by the antecedent stimulus. In this case the warmth, softness and quiet of your bed and bedroom are controlling stimuli. So is your lying position. You must now reverse these things. Painfully.

COLD, HARD, LOUD,  STANDING/SITTING - the ingredients to a painful awakening

The first thing is to throw the blanket off of you. If you are lucky enough to have a sleeping partner this is a bad strategy. Take the blanket off of just yourself. Enjoy that cold air. ARgggH!

The bed can't be made harder, but you can get out of it without really awakening. Move out of bed and go sit in a chair. This defeats the positional conditioning of lying in bed. Not recommended if you sleep in a sitting position (but that would undermine good sleep hygiene. But I've been known to sleep in chairs while studying.)

Loud noise is problematic, again, with a roommate, lover or sensitive neighbors, but you can put on earphones with almost anything on them to get your wakefulness reflexes engaged. Play it loud. No classical music or joni mitchell. Joni Mitchell is for pussified men who don't complain when their dates are late. That's not you. You want some fucking Real Music.


Marcovich recommends sleeping pills, and as I've recently discovered the antihistamine Benadryl packs a nice sleep inducing wallop - as well as not interfering with your psychotropic meds (or so I've been told). However, I think you can eschew abusing OTC drugs by simply focusing on the forced awakening (in addition to good sleep hygiene) techniques I mention before.

But caffeine is a good way to get your ass out of bed. Marcovich talks about coffee like it's too much trouble but there are ways around this.

The first is to simply make the coffee the night before. Drink it cold and black. Nothing says "foul mood evil bastard" like drinking cold coffee on an empty stomach. It's terrifically effective as well at getting you up.

But, what, if like many you don't have the will to drink cold black coffee? You can microwave it, or even easier you can resort to caffeine tablets.

A caffeine tablet and some water next to your bed table can easily be done almost before anything else. You can wake up to your favorite alarm, take your pill and water, and get right back in bed and see if it's enough to wake you up. Many times it might be enough.


Many times you want to wake up early to do something: go jog, go to work, and so on. Your clothes then are the next step in the process. But the clothes are themselves sometimes cold and not inviting. A simple solution is to wear them to bed. They'll be nice and toasty and you won't have to put them on in the morning. I couldn't sleep for many years with clothes on unless I was drunk but after camping for several weeks and sleeping in my clothes I got over it. You can too.

An easier way to achieve the same thing is to warm up your clothes in the dryer or by a heater but this requires going to the heater and warming them up, or worrying about starting a fire with your clothing. Could be bad.

Another alternative is long underwear. Old fashioned, but effective.


The shock yourself awake method assumes that you are sleeping in an unheated area - a tent, a car or just the central heating is off. But another method can be used to get you out of bed: make the transition from bed to non-bed easier by heating up the area outside the bed. Put your space heater on a timer or set the central heating on 98F.


Probably the most effective technique for a quick brutal wake up is the shower. This is probably due to the nudity which tends to be cold, the warm shower, and then the cold getting back out. So it's probably mostly the cold, although the warmth of the shower and the stimulation therein can't hurt. If you are incredibly tired though a really warm shower can practically put you to sleep standing up so make sure you've got 200mg of caffeine in your stomach first.


But marcovich's advice is probably most novel when it comes to the autostart VLC with humor option. Why does this work? Essentially this is a pattern of responding. You are responding to the comedy by watching it. You are also supposed to be eating your pop tart and drinking your jolt cola too, which is also a respnse. In a sense he is suggesting simple, easy responding as a way to get you out of bed. These are good things. But unless the auditory stimulus of the comedy is sufficiently loud we have the "incorporation into dreams" problem (you simply dream about Chris Rock instead of watching him).  And, problematically, you are still in bed - albeit struggling to be awake.

My strategy is to generate a lot of responding to the aversive clocks you will set to piss you off.


I have a small digital alarm on my watch. I have a digital clock alarm. I have my phone alarm. My watch alarm has three alarm times. My phone and clock only support one each. The trick is to set the alarm times slightly staggered - five to ten minutes apart. If you set them all to go off at the same time then you will simply get up, turn them all off, and go back to bed. Trust me, I've learned that one from hard experience. So one clock goes off at 4:55 am. Another goes off at 5:00am. Another one goes off at 5:05 am. And so on. The mere act of responding to the alarms is often enough to get me awake. Ideally you have an alarm clock both close to you and across the room. The one close to you is so that you don't miss it. I prefer to have my watch alarm go off first. Then when the one across the room goes off you are still half-awake and won't miss that. Getting up to go turn it off makes it easier then to go sit down instead of getting back into bed. You can then sip your cold coffee and think about the cruel injustice of the world.

Variation: MMM suggested that hiding the alarm clock may make searching for it even more effective.


One of the elements of sleep hygiene in consistency. If you want to be able to wake up at five am every morning then you've got to do it every single day of the week. Weekends included. If you like to stay up late on the weekends going out you have two choices: disco nap or sleep debt. In any event, don't sleep in. Get up, tough it out, and then go to bed earlier the next night. If that's not an option, get the disco nap. A key component of reconditioning your sleep reflex is retraining it to the new clock - five AM. If you are less than assiduous in your conditioning the reflex will run you, and you will not run it. You must dominate your sleep needs! If your sleep needs get out of control and sleep with your girlfriend you'll need to kick it's ass. But be a gentleman about it and buy it a beer afterwords.

The trick to constancy means that the sleep reflex needs time to adjust. It needs, I think on average for me, about two weeks to adjust to any new schedule. So look at about fourteen good sessions to get your reflex in shape.


You will not have a happy, easy, comedy watching, pop-tart eating morning with my method. You will suffer. You will be angry. You will not smile. However, you will be awake. And since you are on your way to your six figure salary, jog for that marathon, or training for that ass kicking you are going to deliver who needs a good attitude anyway? Real Genteel Men are Assholes, or so I've read.

So you can start the prior night by (ab)using Benadryl or not. I recommend simply going to bed whatever time you normally do, without sleep aids. Follow the prescription of "good sleep hygiene" (see elsewhere) but basically don't do anything in bed but sleep.  Place cold coffee, water, caffeine tablets next to your bed. Set your clocks. Put your clothes next to your bed, or put them on before going to bed. Sleep. Wake up. Eat/drink caffeine. Take shower. Turn off alarms. Be angry. Listen to angry music. Go to work/jog/write.


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Related Links
o how to
o Marcovich' s "How to wake up by 6:30 every morning - for the serious procrastinator"
o rule the world
o fired from your job
o crushing you into submission
o cry uncle
o reflex
o good sleep hygiene
o A reflex, as you know, is controlled by the antecedent stimulus
o joni mitchell
o dates are late
o Real Music
o caffeine is a good way to get your ass out of bed
o caffeine tablets
o suggested that
o Also by 1419

Display: Sort:
1419's How To Wake Up Angry At 5 am Every Morning. | 57 comments (49 topical, 8 editorial, 0 hidden)
If you're doing it right... (3.00 / 4) (#1)
by skyknight on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 04:00:05 PM EST

then waking should not be painful. I find that I can ruthlessly crush everything in my path far more effectively and effortlessly if I wake feeling good. Cold and calculating beats hot and raging in most circumstances.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
A good point (none / 0) (#2)
by 1419 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 04:08:18 PM EST

I think that is usually in the "post-2 week" phase for me after the sleep reflex has been properly reconditioned.

This article is more for those special occasions when you need to start waking up at 5am every day so you can take over the world.

[ Parent ]

This is stupid. (1.25 / 8) (#3)
by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 04:09:10 PM EST

I'm a pompous windbag, I take myself far too seriously, and I single-handedly messed up K5 by causing the fiction section to be created. --localroger

Sounds like you took my advice to heart (3.00 / 3) (#4)
by 1419 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 04:15:17 PM EST

or maybe you're already on to it on your own?

[ Parent ]
Doesn't go far enough (3.00 / 5) (#5)
by livus on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 07:09:27 PM EST

you seem to be unable to commit to what you set out to do here. Pre-heated clothes, a warm shower, and even a warm room do not fit in.

Even a total comfort lover like myself can perform a harsher wake up without thinking twice - sleep naked, then when you want to get up, simply roll out of bed and onto the floor.

If you really want a stimulant that will get you leaping around, I suppose you could take a couple of strong niacin pills with a shot of neat spirits (and no water)...

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

Yes, it occured to me that some of the (3.00 / 2) (#7)
by 1419 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 07:17:38 PM EST

elements might seem incongruent. Really the dominant element is "get up" not "angry". The angry is simply offered as an opponent to the other article which is decidedly pleasant.

The point about pleasant elements out of bed is that they get you from warm comfy bed into upright or standing or moving positions. Hopefully, it is harder for you to sleep in this position.

In terms of generating a bad mood, I suppose there are many ways to do that. Never heard about niacin.

I'd thought about the floor while writing it, but didn't ad it in. Doesn't seem very likely for many people, I think.

[ Parent ]

yeah, I like the concept (2.50 / 2) (#9)
by livus on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 07:33:27 PM EST

but especially the sort of harsh aspects of it, which differentiate it from the other method.

The floor thing is good for if you can't seem to wake up enough to sit up or get out of bed. It's surprisingly easy to do. Worked especially well when I had a cold wooden floor.

I discovered by accident one day that niacin  can give you a horrible all-over-body sensation not unlike prickly heat. Basically all I could do was run around yelping for five minutes. It's not so much a bad mood thing as something which gets the circulation going well and truly.

That said, the thermos of hot coffee by the bed approach is much nicer.

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

The cold cup of last nights cup of coffee (none / 1) (#11)
by 1419 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 09:31:58 PM EST

is even better. Especially if there is no bug in it. But the truly hard core would drink it anyway.

[ Parent ]
nah, I still think niacin and neat vodka (none / 1) (#34)
by livus on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 08:54:27 PM EST

if you're going to go down that path. I drink cold coffee quite often and it's really no big deal (probably helps that I like it black and that no bugs come up here, though)

My personal preference in the morning is for a large glass of water. Consuming anything before that is uncivilised. Heh.

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

Good advice for the pathological case (3.00 / 3) (#6)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 07:14:06 PM EST

When I was younger and wasn't as awesome as I am now, I had similar problems as you. I employed similar methods and found that staggered alarms worked best for me. In addition, I would hide the last of the three alarm clocks I had. This meant I'd have to not only get up but engage my brain to find the damn thing.

I also had this sanity-preservative method set: The first time I would wake up about 45 minutes before I actually had to get up. I would do my morning routine: take a piss, wash up, put on clothes. Then I would go back to bed for the last 30 or so minutes. It's a great feeling when you're in no hurry and know you have 30 more minutes to nap. Then when I finally absolutely had to get up I'd be feeling ok and would just eat my breakfast (glass of OJ).

This worked wonders and I believe it was instrumental in preventing me from becoming a mass murderer.

Keep banging those rocks together, MMM!
- Kasreyn

Funny, hiding the alarms is something (none / 1) (#8)
by 1419 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 07:21:27 PM EST

I've done by accident. Esp. the cell phone. A nice idea. Getting back in bed is just too dangerous I think. You have to have a lot of faith in the second alarm.

One benefit of multiple clocks is failure. My watch alarm has occasionally taken a shit, so has the phone, so has the clock. I have a redundant array of inexpensive digital clocks (RAID-C) I guess.

[ Parent ]

I have added this idea to the article /nt (none / 1) (#18)
by 1419 on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 02:25:19 PM EST

[ Parent ]
No need to thank me /nt (none / 1) (#28)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 05:48:24 PM EST

Keep banging those rocks together, MMM!
- Kasreyn

[ Parent ]
Ah, you credited me, suffices /nt (none / 1) (#29)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 05:52:17 PM EST

Keep banging those rocks together, MMM!
- Kasreyn

[ Parent ]
Better than hiding (none / 1) (#41)
by Pingveno on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 09:23:15 PM EST

Hiding the last clock is all well and good, but I personally prefer Clocky, a clock that rolls off of its perch and runs away. Every morning's an adventure.
In other news, more than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
[ Parent ]
Setting the alarm. (none / 1) (#10)
by superdiva on Sun Dec 03, 2006 at 09:29:05 PM EST

So far, I've just been setting the alarm for 4:00 a.m. which will allow me to doze for an hour before getting up, showered, and dressed for work by 6:00 a.m. and it's been working so far.  But lately, with the change of seasons, my sleep has been thrown off, and I may need a can of Red Bull on the nightstand.

Why needlessly interrupt your sleep? (2.50 / 2) (#14)
by skyknight on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 07:07:52 AM EST

Since sleep is broken down into cyclical phases, waking yourself up at an arbitrary time when you don't actually need to get out of bed seems like a bad idea. You could be cheating yourself out of another full cycle needlessly.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
It's not so much cycles... (2.66 / 3) (#15)
by superdiva on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 09:04:13 AM EST

...as much as the fact that psychologically, I feel better about turning the alarm off at 4:00 a.m. and knowing that I don't have to get up right away, I still have an hour to snooze and get up out of bed.  

[ Parent ]
Alarm clocks (2.50 / 2) (#19)
by ensignyu on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 03:39:36 PM EST

Occasionally, I oversleep despite having two alarms, one a little out of reach and the other on the far side of the room. The alarms are both off when I eventually wake up. So I'm still trying to figure what happens there:

  1. I turned off the alarms and don't remember it. Usually, though, I'm aware that I turned off the alarms and then kick myself for missing class again. It's a good thing I don't have a job in the morning.

  2. I turned off the alarms while sleepwalking. I'm not known to sleepwalk though, and I'd probably trip if I tried to walk around with my eyes closed.

  3. Forgot to set it in the first place. I usually double-check, but this is probably the most likely reason.

  4. Roommate got annoyed and turned them off. None of them have ever admitted to this.

  5. Sleepwalking roommate turned them off. If this is happening, I'd be surprised.

  6. Random failure. That works just fine the next day. This also includes tampering by meddlesome dimension-hopping aliens and clandestine agencies.

Before you go to sleep: (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by OlympicSmoker on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 03:48:29 PM EST

Cover them in shaving foam. Also the floor. Also connect wires from the alarm to your genitalia. The alarm might itself be broken. If it's not your testicles will tell you so.

[ Parent ]
Yeah, I sleepwalk-alarm-turn-off too (none / 1) (#35)
by cburke on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 12:23:40 AM EST

I've even had it where to get to the alarm I had to climb down a ladder from a loft bed and walk across the room to turn off the alarm, then back and up the ladder to fall asleep with no recollection of the event.  I will turn the alarm off, and then back on, making it look as if the alarm simply failed to go off.  Very sneaky of me.

This normally happens to me when I have something very important I'm supposed to get up for, like a final exam or job interview.  Normally when I do this, it's the best sleep I've ever gotten.  So I'll wake up, slowly, feeling like a million bucks, until I realize that I've overslept for an exam/interview.  In fact, now whenever I wake up and feel great I soon get paranoid about what event I'm oversleeping for.

[ Parent ]

once stabbed an alarm clock to death... (none / 1) (#43)
by Smokin Juan on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 07:47:51 AM EST

with a toothbrush. I woke up and realized that I'd overslept again. My guess was that it hadn't been set or I "sleep walked" and turned it off. With no time to investigate, I rushed the bathroom to clean up. While brushing my teeth that cocksucker decides to go off... for the last time. My latest attempt at morning punctuality has been the Winamp programmed with loud music. Come to find out I can sleep through that too. And it's loud. Fuck it. I don't want to be driving on the road with a bunch of brain dead idiots anyhow. Work can wait and fuck 'em if they can't.

[ Parent ]
Computer + Music usually works for me (none / 1) (#50)
by ensignyu on Thu Dec 07, 2006 at 06:03:45 AM EST

Except when I yank out the speakers while half asleep. Also that one time I accidentally had it set to soothing trance music. Or I forget to turn up the volume / unplug headphones.

If I remember to set it up right, it can be pretty effective, but there's a lot of things to forget. Also, it wastes power and the fan hums all night. So I only do it for things like finals -- also, if I used it too often, I'd probably learn to ignore it or shut it off without thinking.

[ Parent ]

+1 collaborative media $ (1.50 / 2) (#21)
by Obvious Egil Dupe on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 04:18:07 PM EST

I can't tell you how nice it is be able to (none / 0) (#22)
by 1419 on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 04:36:46 PM EST

edit a post.

[ Parent ]
we suggest (2.50 / 4) (#24)
by United Fools on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 05:17:35 PM EST

to pass a law prohibiting sleep after 6:30. That is the most effective method.

We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
Try (3.00 / 3) (#25)
by ljazbec on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 05:27:40 PM EST

enforcing that law.

Most people who have real trouble waking up wouldn't care what penalties you'd make.

[ Parent ]

fuck that, make it illegal to wake up BEFORE 6:30. (none / 0) (#56)
by wolrahnaes on Thu Dec 21, 2006 at 10:40:33 PM EST

Early risers are bad people.  There is no logical reason in the age of artificial light to wake up at sunrise.  Learn to enjoy the night, live in the PM.

[ Parent ]
+1 FP (3.00 / 3) (#26)
by starX on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 05:32:00 PM EST

If for no other reason than to get MMM's drivel off of there, but really, I'm all about waking up in any way that is likely to leave me cranky and in pain. That helps me get in the mood to inflict myself on others.

"I like you starX, you disagree without sounding like a fanatic from a rock-solid point of view. Highfive." --WonderJoust
I agree with the above post (3.00 / 3) (#30)
by khallow on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 06:40:08 PM EST

Plus, this sort of story seems suited to K5's quirkiness. We all aspire to be quirky like a factory settings indie movie.

Stating the obvious since 1969.
[ Parent ]

Until you train your body (2.50 / 2) (#39)
by svampa on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 03:27:48 PM EST

As he said, sleeping is a reflex, we are too used to going bed late and trying to wake up early.

In all, what 1419 (what kind of nick is that?) says is that you have to force your body to wake up. Nevertheless, he adds a second point, you have to friendly let your body go to bed at night. In the first stage, probably you won't feel particulary sleepy at night, anyhow, you must go to bed.

Your body clock will need some time to get adapted to the new timetable, during such period you will feel cranky. I think it must be between a week or a month.

Cranky for a week, happy for the rest of your life, it's worth. Isn't it?

obviously if you insist on going bed after certain TV show, or after reading and answering your email, surfing or whatever you tend to do, you will feel tired and angry without any sign of improvement.

The rest are tricks (unpleasant tricks) to force yourself wake up at the beginning of the treatment ;-)

[ Parent ]
Waking up cranky is the point. (3.00 / 2) (#40)
by starX on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 04:58:12 PM EST

I feel as if I can just hate hard enough for long enough, then perhaps I can turn the objects of my hate into ash, using nothing but my hate. If waking up cranky and in pain helps me hate, I'm all for it. In my "I didn't get enough sleep last night" fantasy world, it will eventually result in a lot less stupid people in the world.

"I like you starX, you disagree without sounding like a fanatic from a rock-solid point of view. Highfive." --WonderJoust
[ Parent ]
What kind of nick is svampa? (none / 0) (#46)
by 1419 on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 12:44:07 PM EST

I liked 1419, and my previous nick 1318, since it reminded me of THX1138 and had another meaning relating to 13 and 18.

Since I abandoned 1318 I figured 13+1 and 18+1 would be the next iteration.

A name as a number is a funny thing. In prison - or so I've heard - people are (or were?) referred to by their names. As Alex is in A Clockwork Orange.

Satan is to be known by his number, 666.

What is in a name? What is in a number?

If we called roses "1318's" would they smell as sweet?

Good points regarding sleep &c., btw.

[ Parent ]

Alarms (2.80 / 5) (#32)
by loteck on Mon Dec 04, 2006 at 08:12:49 PM EST

I always like articles about figuring out ways to force yourself to wake up and be a responsible person (despite how much it sucks) because Crawford never has anything to say on the subject.
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich

-1, Incredibly boring (1.00 / 4) (#36)
by Spendocrat on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 02:26:46 AM EST


Warmth? (3.00 / 2) (#37)
by creature on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 04:55:17 AM EST

Warmth makes me more sleepy. A warm room will not help me get out of bed.

Personally, I use the multiple alarm clocks method. I find that the vibrating ones work well - the buzz of alarm-on-wood (the table, you sick fucks) is more of a "get up now" signal than the electrical beeping. My phone and my Palm both have alarms and both vibrate. I've also got a traditional alarm clock that beeps.

I don't hide my alarms, but I do spread out where I put them - sometimes the Palm is on the computer desk, sometimes the chest of drawers, sometimes the bookshelf. The variety helps and stops you getting into an autopilot turn-alarms-off mode.

Yes it's a risky tactic (none / 0) (#42)
by 1419 on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 12:26:47 AM EST

like taking a warm shower can also make you drowsy. There is an element of "art" here, of course.

[ Parent ]
If your lucky enough (2.75 / 4) (#38)
by minerboy on Tue Dec 05, 2006 at 08:26:20 AM EST

to have a sleeping partner ? Bah, kick her ass out off bed. If all she's doing is sleeping, why is she there ? If She does more than sleep, Kick her lazy ass out of bed anyway, and tell her to go make you some bacon and eggs. The one thing to add for a good angry awakening is greasy food. If you don't have time to make it yourself, Stop by MacDonald's and pick up a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, a bacon egg and Cheese Biscuit, and Hash browns. It sits in the pit of your stomach like a rock, and always improves the explosiveness of your morning shit.

Which reminds me of a TV show I saw on the (none / 0) (#44)
by 1419 on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 08:18:36 AM EST

Roman Legion Life which showed how they slept like 10 to a bed, like sardines.

Would you kick your fellow legionaire out of bed and make him go git your mac-muffin?

[ Parent ]

If my sword was bigger, I would$ (none / 0) (#45)
by minerboy on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 09:38:37 AM EST

[ Parent ]
In the name of God, why? (3.00 / 2) (#47)
by ghjm on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 12:53:41 PM EST

Just get a sun alarm (aka "dawn simulator") and hook it up to enough lights you can see the bones in your fingers. Make sure it's set to start an hour before you want to wake up. You can go to bed dead drunk at 3:00am and this will still get you into the shower, although the rest of your day will suck.

Hm. (none / 0) (#48)
by nate s on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 03:21:28 PM EST

My alarm has two noise levels.  Quiet but audible, and fucking loud.

I usually manage to turn it off before it hits the fucking loud stage, but occasionally I miss and it pisses me off.  I never sleep through it, because it annoys the fuck out of me with some godawful digital beepy tune that will be stuck in my head all day if I don't turn it off.

I then stumble out into the living room and groggily check my email and force some cereal down my throat before my eyes are even focusing on the email.  By the time the cereal is gone, I can see well enough to figure out how hot/cold it is outside, check the news, and make it into the bathroom for a shower without walking into the wall.  Incidentally, Real Men (TM) wake up with cold showers, even in the middle of winter.  While I used to be a Real Man (TM), my resolve on this has faded in the last year or two and I step into warm showers unless it's the summertime.

Then it's just a matter of getting out, stumbling around to get some clothes on, and out the door.  Winter is good 'cuz the cold air jars me awake the rest of the way, as does trying not to slip to my death on the icy sidewalk.

Fun times.

On the subject of staggered alarms (none / 1) (#49)
by drakosha on Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 08:41:14 PM EST

I have tried this, with varying levels of success. It seems I am one of those people who can get up, hold coherent conversation with someone, turn off half a dozen alarm clocks, and then return to bed and never remember waking up.

What solved the problem for me was varying the type of wakeup signal. I used my cellphone's vibrate setting, and put it under the pillow.

The result was me, sitting bolt upright and wide awake, the moment the alarm went off.

An added bonus is that you can put the phone on top of your pillow if you're not sleeping along, and it will insulate your partner from the vibrations rather effectively.
"Technologists often forget the general user. Technology is only as good as the user experience. That is something that technology groups very often forget."

--Linus Torvalds, keynote address, LinuxExpo 2000.

Yes, sometimes it requires a multi- (none / 0) (#52)
by 1419 on Thu Dec 07, 2006 at 03:14:43 PM EST

strategy with some trial and error type development.

A good suggestion for vibrate. I have been surprised at how often I've been awakened by my phone vibrating (from a call usu) when it's just a vibrating sort of humm.

[ Parent ]

Clocky (none / 1) (#51)
by Sgt York on Thu Dec 07, 2006 at 10:52:15 AM EST

It's an alarm clock with wheels on it. When you hit the snooze bar, the wheels start rolling and it takes off in random directions for random distances. Then, when it goes off again, you have to find it.


There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.

Article superfluous (3.00 / 4) (#53)
by wji on Fri Dec 08, 2006 at 02:03:41 PM EST

Only needed three words: get a cat.

In conclusion, the Powerpuff Girls are a reactionary, pseudo-feminist enterprise.
You're kidding yourself. (3.00 / 2) (#54)
by OzJuggler on Sat Dec 09, 2006 at 12:35:58 AM EST

Hate to rain on your crafty parade, but.... people who can't get out of bed are mistreating themselves and could have mild depression.

Billions of people wake up early and prepare for their day without needing any kind of alarm, let alone a scheme as convoluted as those of 1419 and Markovich. How did people manage this 150 years ago? Not with coffee, computers and wayward wheeled clocks.

Go to bed earlier, make sure you're relaxed before you go to sleep, and...uh.. get help. All this masochism and substance abuse is just papering over the symptoms. Solve the cause.

Sounds like getting out of bed is a common problem amongst kuro5ites, but I knew you were all depressed hermitic obsessives anyway.

"And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together
at Osama's homo abortion pot and commie jizzporium." - Jon Stewart's gift to Bill O'Reilly, 7 Dec 2005.

No rain on my parade taken (none / 0) (#55)
by 1419 on Sat Dec 09, 2006 at 01:13:10 PM EST

Although your compassion for K5 readers is to be lauded, it seems to be a bit alarmist.

Mild depression is, last time I checked, both common and normal.

But the concept of depression is, itself, something of a reification of environmental (and perhaps genetic) factors. Depression is a description of what happens to us and how we react to it not something we possess.

Thus, this could be titled "1419's How To Overcome Mild Depression" article in that light.

But there was an intent at some level of humor. Why would you want to wake up angry anyway? The marcovich article is much more intuitive.

This idea of "solving the cause not the symptoms" is itself buried in what I consider cheap, often psychoanalytic, theories of mind.

The symptoms are often the problem. We can't help but get the occasional bad grade, have friends, pets and relatives die (unless you know something I don't), break up with our significant others and so on. Thus "treating the cause" is just often an attempt to get us to look away from environmental antecedents - and solutions! - and instead look, ineffectually, into the psychic inner world of emotion and perception from which there is no end of psychotherapeutic fees.

[ Parent ]

How did people manage this 150 years ago? (none / 0) (#57)
by wolrahnaes on Thu Dec 21, 2006 at 10:49:53 PM EST

The key is light.  150 years ago, it wasn't really practical to do much after sunset, so that's when people went to sleep.  They then woke up naturally or when assisted by light/noises from outside.

Alarm clocks as we know them today have been around since the late 1800s, and I can say for certain if I could change one thing about the past it would be stopping that sick fucker Seth Thomas from inventing it.

[ Parent ]

1419's How To Wake Up Angry At 5 am Every Morning. | 57 comments (49 topical, 8 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:


All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. The Rest 2000 - Present Kuro5hin.org Inc.
See our legalese page for copyright policies. Please also read our Privacy Policy.
Kuro5hin.org is powered by Free Software, including Apache, Perl, and Linux, The Scoop Engine that runs this site is freely available, under the terms of the GPL.
Need some help? Email help@kuro5hin.org.
My heart's the long stairs.

Powered by Scoop create account | help/FAQ | mission | links | search | IRC | YOU choose the stories!