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The Unified Theory of Conservative Healthcare

By loteck in Op-Ed
Mon Jun 29, 2009 at 07:25:12 AM EST
Tags: adequate healthcare (all tags)

With the loss of our great leader, wherein he was replaced by a foreign-born communist candidate from manchuria, we now find ourselves on the threshhold of nationalizing everything in sight. The two largest, most classically American industries have recently faltered under the attack of hippy socialism. First, our banking industry, the white-shining industry-on-the-hill, the capitol of Capitalism, has already folded under the enormous pressure of overwhelmingly intrusive government regulation. And then went Automobiles, a highly competitive industry which provided millions of jobs to the most Real Americans you could find in the heart land of Real America.

Now, for his final trick, the Evil One has turned his gaze upon America's last shining achievement, the last industry where we are known to be the most innovative, the best of the best. Healthcare is the conservatives' last stand, it is where we, my brethren, must interlock our arms against the unwash-ed waves of liberals (sneer), socialists (scowl) and ho-mo-sexuals (gag), lest we forever lose the Real America to these immoral hordes.

This will require some sacrifice on the part of us Real Americans, us Conservatives. However, these concessions will not come without great reward. So I implore you, in order to facilitate salvation for our wayward country, to unify under one theory:

That life is just not that sacred.

This "Unified Theory of Conservative Healthcare" (UTOCH) is really a win for Real Americans on several fronts, while a potential concession on only one. As it stands, we find inept government institutions standing on the threshold of our homes, banging down the doors, demanding quarter. We all know what this means. From here it will be a very small step to disarmament and ultimately servitude in camps. In the interim we will lose all ability to govern our own health and the government will tell us what we can and can't do with our own bodies, with little or no regard for our individual health. We must curtail this steady stream of government intrusion into our lives immediately; it must be priority #1. So let us go over some of the major issues that we Real Americans will triumph over if we adopt the UTOCH.


This is obviously issue "numero uno" (as all those illegal immigrants who are bleeding this country dry would say) in the current debate. As Real Americans, we unfortunately have few avenues of escape left available to us on this matter. With statistics showing that our version of Free Market healthcare has resulted in somewhere between 45-90 million people not being able to afford to have health insurance, which means that they cannot afford even basic medical care, we can no longer afford to play on the field of humanitarian concern that we were led to under the left-leaning guise of "Compassionate Conservatism".

Our former arguments that government interference and regulation were the problem and that pure competition would solve the problem have been effectively debunked as the healthcare companies have continued to come up with new ways to screw anyone over that actually needs healthcare, via intimidation, obfuscation and simple summary denial, while happily taking everyone's money and rolling in record profits.

In order to allow Smith's Invisible Hand to work its magic in the sector of individual health, we have to separate ourselves from the notions of compassion and start looking at healthcare as a competition, just like any healthy capitalistic market. So we therefore must shift our position to one that aligns more closely with our priority, which is keeping government out of our healthcare. The UTOCH provides this by arguing that if a sick person cannot afford to pay for their own health care then they do not deserve to be well and therefore deserve to live in misery and hopefully die soon. After all, if even 90 million people do not have health insurance, that leaves 200+ million Americans that have managed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and take care of their own business. That is, if you leave out those who do have insurance but still cannot afford to pay for their procedures, and have been sent into lifelong debt and bankruptcy, but I'm sure those numbers are small.

Abandoning the non-wealthy to their filthy unhealthiness will have ample benefits for the many of us who are rich and conservative. We won't have to wait in lines at Emergency Rooms, since emergency/911 care will only be provided to those who can show evidence of their financial fitness prior to receiving care. Also, the mortality rate in America would undoubtedly skyrocket and would thus provide small business opportunities in the industries of cemetery and funeral services.

The largest benefit will be that the government will be all but completely and permanently excluded from health care, since we will all be able to afford it on our own and will no longer have to shoulder the stupid and immoral people that we made our money from. We must stick by our principles and identify our priorities, and in this case the priority must be to keep healthcare out of the government's hands.

Let's take a look at a few of the ancillary benefits of subscribing to the UTOCH.

Capital Punishment, Prison Overcrowding and Illegal Immigration

Now that we have healthcare out of the way and have saved ourselves from the encroachment of the socialists, we can enjoy some of the other benefits that our UTOCH will bring us. Once we have gotten comfortable with the idea that life is not sacred, the question of the morality and appropriateness of handing out horrific death to those who have been tried fairly and accurately under our justice system is easily answered.

The argument has always been framed by the liberal left as one of morality, of the integrity of the judiciary, and whether justice is even being served when we, as a society, condone the murder of an individual. Having done away with any concern over morality (which flows naturally from our deprioritizing of the sanctity of life), we can propose a new frame by which we can ascertain justice: whether the cost of maintaining an individual for life in a prison system, and the cost of properly administering the judicial process is worth the chance that we may save the life of one scumbag who didn't have the personal responsibility to stay away from criminal prosecution.

Benefits from settling this issue are also legion. When more people are in jail, we the Real Americans will have a more peaceful society with less crime, since we know that jail sentences as punishment are an effective deterrent from re-offending for criminals. Also, in order for prisoners to survive their imprisonment, they will have to work to be able to continue to afford health insurance, in accordance with what we have already decided about how people without health insurance will be handled. Those criminals who refuse to accept this mandatory labor out of some kind of misguided loyalty to principle will simply die in prison, which will be no loss to society. This means the end of the days when prisoners were permitted to sit around in their cells, learning and getting educations and engaging in voluntary work programs. Now, with a prison system that is positively humming, we will have a giant population of people that will do our menial and undesirable labor jobs in this country for very little pay, since those will be the only jobs we will allow them to have.

And thus, in a stroke of pure genius, we will also have solved the illegal immigration problem at the same time.

Gun Control

At the heart of Real America has always been the principle of arming oneself and bearing the responsibility for the defense of one's own property (and, some would say, family, which is simply a false dichotomy). For years the battle has raged between anti-American socialists, who would have us all disarmed and on our knees while being raped by hoodlums, and Real Americans who believe in the principles that are found in that, the second of our Constitution's amendments.

If we simply accept that life is not sacred, the gun ownership and gun violence debates turn on their heads. Lifting all restrictions on the concealment and possession of weapons will fit in perfectly with our new society where the irresponsible poor are either dead or dying, and those who have been captured by the criminal justice system are either dying or are busy in servitude. A properly armed population will, at that point, be constantly vigilant and prepared to mete out civilian justice with a far greater amount of certainty, since those who deserve it will be plainly obvious. We will only now be catching up to the example Florida set in 2005. Inevitably, some of the decaying irresponsible poor will attempt to riot and thieve, and so a free and well-armed populace will be a boon to the overall safety of Real Americans.

A couple of other issues that will be solved:

  • Homelessness
  • Gang violence
  • War on Drugs

Giving up on the sanctity of human life isn't all wine and roses, though. In order to get something you have to give something, and in this case, we're going to have to change our approach on one significant issue.


Can't very well unify under the UTOCH and then go around whining about the sanctity of a life that hasn't even finished gestation, can we? Abortion has been our rallying cause for many years now, it has brought us together under God's uncompromising love for the unborn and his command that we love one another and do unto others. Under the UTOCH, this could be problematic as we can expect millions of currently living, post-gestated humans to be suffering and in great distress due to our enlightened vision of providing health care for only those who can afford it. Many of the decomposing heathens will probably be pregnant themselves, which would leave us in quite the conundrum indeed.

No, we'll need another angle if we want to try to continue to insinuate government control over womens' health care without it actually being obvious that that is what we want. We'll need a solution that we can attribute to God's Invisible Hand. Some suggestions have been made, such as auctioning off the fetus, or engaging in a kind of publicized fetus clearing house. While obviously more humane, these are still not perfect solutions, especially since, if enforced through compulsion, the privacy of the woman would be dramatically encroached upon. However, pregnant women should really have very little expectation of privacy anyway, since they inevitably just end up looking like big cows anyway.


This country faces a crisis of philosophy. Before us are the options: will we continue to venture down the darkened and winding path of trying to provide the most care for the most people, or will we intrepidly follow the Real American way of individuality, personal responsibility, deification of Invisible Hands, and a strange attraction to boot straps?

Logically, we can only afford to make everyone healthy to a certain degree of health. What if that degree is not the degree of health that I desire and can afford? As an individual shouldn't I be free to reach my ultimate potential without having to wade through teeming hordes of diseased, liberal, dark-skinned homosexuals who are reaching out to take from me whatever they can lay their lazy hands on?

Our country stands at the threshold of socialism, and in the near future you can already begin to make out a liberal police state, where socialist tyrants conspire to invade every aspect of our lives under the banner of that oft-used communist label of "the common good" . A line in the sand must be drawn by those of us who are capable. Those of us who are responsible. Those of us who are Real Americans. We must stand up and be heard:

Life is sacred, but only as long as the economics work.


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In the future, America's healthcare should be:
o Privatized 31%
o Nationalized 68%

Votes: 16
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o great leader
o American industries
o hippy socialism
o white-shin ing industry-on-the-hill
o government regulation
o competitiv e industry
o millions of jobs
o best of the best
o bleeding this country dry
o 45-90 million people
o intimidati on
o obfuscatio n
o simple summary denial
o record profits
o those numbers are small
o rich and conservative
o fairly and accurately
o effective deterrent
o misguided loyalty to principle
o giant population of people
o them
o set in 2005
o uncompromi sing
o love
o we love one another
o do unto others
o auctioning off the fetus
o publicized fetus clearing house
o Invisible Hands
o boot straps
o police state
o socialist tyrants
o every aspect of our lives
o "the common good"
o but only as long as the economics work
o Also by loteck

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The Unified Theory of Conservative Healthcare | 29 comments (20 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
To Quote Doug Wilson: (3.00 / 4) (#1)
by limpdawg on Fri Jun 26, 2009 at 06:50:17 PM EST

As I have been writing about health care, the point undergirding everything I have been saying against "affordable health care for all" is this: violence in order to achieve such laudable ends is still objectionable.

One commenter asked what the point of health care was. Was it to provide health care to those who need it, or was it to profit the providers? Absent coercion, the answer is both. The point is to make a profit by providing health care. Absent coercion, if you try to make a profit by not providing health care, then the time will quickly come when a competitor finds and exploits that rather egregious flaw in your business plan. But if you have introduced the state into the equation (with the best of motives, of course), what you have done is create the possibility of entities that don't provide the service offered, but which can remain in business anyhow, because they now rely on tax-payer monies extracted under the threat of force.

The objection was made that private health care providers and insurers can cherry pick their customers to screen out high risks and preexisting conditions. Sure, and what's the solution? The solution is to let them.

Let's say that someone named Smith is upset by this, and this person wants to step in with guns and make the evil corporations lose money on these folks. I have a better idea. Let's step in with guns and make Smith go into the health care business, and let's make him lose the money. Once we have agreed to coercion, why would we limit ourselves to the preexisting condition of already being a health care company? Why can't we coerce the economic illiterates, and make them run companies that are now bound to fail?

Is this hardhearted? What about those who fall through the cracks of the profit-driven system? Every Christian heart does go out to those who are uncared for, to those who are uninsurable. We are supposed to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and treat the sick. Of course we are. So take up an offering already. Support your church's missionaries. Give to the inner city work that your denomination sponsors. Jesus said to give in His name. He never told us to go out there and take in His name.

The Church is called to be an organization of worshippers, worship that results in a glorious overflow of givers. The statists, leftists, do-gooders, and sob-sisters are an organization of confused takers. They talk as though they are giving, but the whole thing is a sham. They give only what they have previously seized by force. And to crown this glorious hypocrisy, they preen themselves on their ethical conscience and moral superiority. But there are few spectacles worse than thugs with guns acting all Sermon-on-the-Mounty.

who is doug wilson? (none / 1) (#2)
by loteck on Fri Jun 26, 2009 at 07:00:57 PM EST

and what kind of religious whackjobbery does he descend from?
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich

[ Parent ]
He's A Presbyterian Pastor in Moscow, Idaho. (none / 1) (#3)
by limpdawg on Fri Jun 26, 2009 at 07:04:29 PM EST

And Crawford's sister hates him.

[ Parent ]
Yep, the church is an omnipresent (none / 0) (#22)
by tetsuwan on Tue Jun 30, 2009 at 04:12:59 AM EST

force of good. Let's put 50 million at the mercy of totally unselfish and apolitical clerics. Gay and born with diabetes? No, choose one.

I much prefer the reverse system: government provides health care for 99%, and those who are too asocial to properly sign a paper can go to a church for help.

Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance
[ Parent ]

I hope you didn't (none / 1) (#6)
by achievingfluidity on Sat Jun 27, 2009 at 01:03:57 AM EST

spend a lot of time on this.


not nearly as much time (2.16 / 6) (#8)
by loteck on Sat Jun 27, 2009 at 01:12:08 AM EST

as you spend sucking me off.
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich

[ Parent ]
+1FP Taking America forward into the 17th century (2.50 / 6) (#9)
by Wen Jian on Sat Jun 27, 2009 at 05:54:28 AM EST

It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
ugh! tiresome & worn out, (2.00 / 4) (#11)
by chilambalam on Sat Jun 27, 2009 at 01:07:24 PM EST

done better elsewhere

+1FP, change we can truly believe in (none / 1) (#15)
by Enlarged to Show Texture on Sun Jun 28, 2009 at 12:08:32 AM EST

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -- Isaac Asimov
your support means alot (none / 1) (#17)
by loteck on Sun Jun 28, 2009 at 01:10:43 AM EST

however i somehow lost jobst, who i can usually rely on.
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich

[ Parent ]
-1, too us-centric (3.00 / 2) (#27)
by Jobst of Moravia on Sat Jul 04, 2009 at 01:49:17 AM EST

   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
  ""     ""    ""

[ Parent ]

since we're giving up on the sanctity of life (2.66 / 3) (#18)
by N0574 on Sun Jun 28, 2009 at 05:06:04 AM EST

when someone beats you to death with a baseball bat or guns you down and dumps your body in the river, no law enforcement agency should bother investigating the murder. That sure would save a lot of tax dollars, and besides your wife and kids probably wouldn't want to know who did it anyway.

and they say i wasnt trolling $ (none / 0) (#20)
by loteck on Sun Jun 28, 2009 at 04:02:02 PM EST

"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich

[ Parent ]
bite, bite -nt (none / 0) (#28)
by Kasreyn on Sun Aug 30, 2009 at 05:21:19 AM EST

"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
i love this 'debate' (3.00 / 2) (#21)
by nepenthes on Mon Jun 29, 2009 at 11:42:24 AM EST

because as I sit back and enjoy the peace-of-mind that comes with the socialized medicine which my government and that of every other civilized nation has decided is a Good Idea... i can still have the blissful certainty that natural selection gets to continue working its magic on the world's largest concentration of morons.

unified theory of conservative healthcare all the way! just so long as it's not in my country.

A Good Idea except in the country doing best /nt (none / 1) (#23)
by Liar on Tue Jun 30, 2009 at 05:39:22 PM EST

I admit I'm a Liar. That's why you can trust me.
[ Parent ]
sooooo... not the US then. (none / 0) (#24)
by lostincali on Wed Jul 01, 2009 at 12:01:36 AM EST

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."
[ Parent ]

correct. Singapore. (1.00 / 2) (#25)
by Liar on Wed Jul 01, 2009 at 07:42:57 AM EST

I admit I'm a Liar. That's why you can trust me.
[ Parent ]
Your modest proposal... (none / 0) (#26)
by o reor on Thu Jul 02, 2009 at 08:15:26 AM EST

I like it.


Jonathan Swift.

foo (none / 0) (#29)
by FattMattP on Sat Jan 08, 2011 at 10:30:00 PM EST

I am capable of masturbating for twenty-seven hours before achieving climax. This does include breaks for meals. -- Michael David Crawford

The Unified Theory of Conservative Healthcare | 29 comments (20 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
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