Kuro5hin.org: technology and culture, from the trenches
create account | help/FAQ | contact | links | search | IRC | site news
[ Everything | Diaries | Technology | Science | Culture | Politics | Media | News | Internet | Op-Ed | Fiction | Meta | MLP ]
We need your support: buy an ad | premium membership

[P]
Let's Waterboard Sean Hannity Properly

By yuo in Politics
Sat Apr 25, 2009 at 03:58:59 PM EST
Tags: Politics, waterboarding, sean, hannity (all tags)
Politics

Sean Hannity has apparently volunteered to be waterboarded for charity. If you'd like a brief primer on what exactly it means for a celebrity to be waterboarded, I suggest watching Christopher Hitchens succumb to this advanced interrogation technique. A reasonable person might ask why they would willingly submit to any unnecessary interrogation of any sort, but Hannity wants to prove a point that waterboarding is not a form of torture, and he has the idea that he can do it for charity somehow. Mr. Hannity, I believe that the way you imagine getting waterboarded will only lead to further criticism, and I would like to make a few charitable contributions to planning your advanced interrogation technique experience that will silence the critics.


ADVERTISEMENT
Sponsor: rusty
This space intentionally left blank
...because it's waiting for your ad. So why are you still reading this? Come on, get going. Read the story, and then get an ad. Alright stop it. I'm not going to say anything else. Now you're just being silly. STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'm done!
comments (24)
active | buy ad
ADVERTISEMENT
There are two basic problems to address when submitting to a charity waterboarding. The first and most obvious is that voluntarily experiencing the act is not really an advanced interrogation technique. That's because there's no interrogation involved. The person being interrogated must have some real information that he does not wish to give out, and that the interrogators badly want.

The second problem is that no reputable charity will want torture money. Even if waterboarding is not a form of torture, the money raised from such an event would be tainted because the specific people giving the money want to do so out of a sadistic desire to see Hannity tortured.

Fortunately, there is a single solution that will address both of these issues simultaneously. I propose that Sean Hannity be waterboarded over the course of two days with no more than ten sessions in any given day. This is convenient for everybody because the entire experience may be lived in a single weekend. Having a single night in the mix will allow Hannity to experience some of the sleep deprivation that is also common in advanced interrogation. Furthermore, the interrogators will have a real worthwhile goal, that may even save lives. Their directive will be to obtain financial information from Mr. Hannity. Specifically, if they can ascertain his bank account numbers and passwords, then whatever assets they gain access to will be donated to charity. Any reputable loans that they can generate from his personal information may also be donated to charity.

This is a win-win situation for everybody involved. The interrogators have a big incentive to help the American soldiers who benefit from the charity. Hannity has a big incentive to not give away the farm, but at the same time, he has some small incentive to cooperate, so that the families of soldiers get something. An Al Qaeda combatant may not want to reveal information that will result in the death of his brothers. Hannity may not want to reveal information that will result in his kids not going to college.

The charity can't mind accepting the money because the person they are receiving it from is claiming that it is not torture.

Mr. Hannity, this is your chance. You have to do this the right way if it is going to mean anything at all. You can make your point in the most poignant and dramatic way possible, and at the same time, you can help the families of American soldiers.

Mr. Hannity, this is important. Please don't get it wrong. The future of US interrogations may be in your hands.

Sponsors

Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure

Login

Poll
Hannity should be interrogated for...
o financial information 100%
o WIPO 0%

Votes: 7
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o apparently volunteered to be waterboarded for charity
o Christophe r Hitchens succumb to this advanced interrogation technique
o sadistic desire to see Hannity tortured
o Also by yuo


Display: Sort:
Let's Waterboard Sean Hannity Properly | 44 comments (40 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
This part isn't necessarily true: (3.00 / 15) (#1)
by carnival of animals on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 06:43:06 AM EST

"The person being interrogated must have some real information that he does not wish to give out, and that the interrogators badly want."

Do you think Hannity... (none / 1) (#8)
by yuo on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 05:23:06 PM EST

knows the numbers for all of his bank accounts? I guess a better way to say it is that the person being interrogated must be suspected to have real information that the interrogators badly want. Or maybe the interrogators are just assholes.

I wish I had thought of pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants.
[ Parent ]

Maybe (none / 0) (#13)
by tweet on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 06:51:31 PM EST

they don't care whether he has the information or not. People who hate Hannity might hope he forgets. Or is one of those fucking morons who thinks that if you put your PIN number in backwards, it calls the police.

_______________________________________________
Not everything in black and white makes sense.

[ Parent ]

torture's not for extracting information anyway (3.00 / 5) (#16)
by lostincali on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 07:32:08 PM EST

the reason the US military started its own program of waterboarding, etc., its own personnel was not to keep them from divulging sensitive information, but to prevent them from being coerced into making embarrassing confessions (confessing to war crimes, decrying the united states, etc), activity that was prevalent in Korea and, later, Vietnam.

a sean hannity all-expenses-paid waterboarding weekend would be better spent on making the guy confess absurd things, like, "my show is destroying america" or "i've never seen porn before".

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."
[ Parent ]

he probably knows his ATM PIN (none / 0) (#15)
by lostincali on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 07:24:00 PM EST

and enough information to steal his identity and open tons of credit lines in his name.

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."
[ Parent ]

Yeah, my point was just that (none / 1) (#19)
by carnival of animals on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 09:51:19 PM EST

despite knowing that torture is an ineffective way of extracting accurate actionable intelligence, the military waterboarded suspected terrorists dozens of times over; and it took little to be 'suspected.'

Did you hear Karl Rove complaining that now these torture techniques are 'ruined' because the terrorists now know about them? I wonder if he realises that after the first 3 waterboarding sessions the victim must realise that he isn't going to drown -- but that it's terrifying anyway.

[ Parent ]

+1fp this is an excellent idea (3.00 / 5) (#2)
by lostincali on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 08:26:57 AM EST

and that's why it will never happen.

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."

Move to vote (2.60 / 5) (#3)
by rusty on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 08:54:27 AM EST

Vote to oh please dear god let this happen.

____
Not the real rusty
Couple links you'll like. (3.00 / 8) (#4)
by wiredog on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 09:14:19 AM EST

The difference between SERE and the Bush interrogation program is the difference between S&M and rape.

But the torturers interrogators vere chust followink Orders.

From Foriegn Policy magazine:

1. The focus on water-boarding misses the main point of the program.

Which is that it was a program.

...There is an elementary distinction, too often lost, between the moral (and policy) question -- "What should we do?" -- and the legal question: "What can we do?" We live in a policy world too inclined to turn lawyers into surrogate priests granting a form of absolution. "The lawyers say it's OK." Well, not really. They say it might be legal. They don't know about OK.

...The underlying absurdity of the administration's position can be summarized this way. Once you get to a substantive compliance analysis for "cruel, inhuman, and degrading" you get the position that the substantive standard is the same as it is in analogous U.S. constitutional law. So the OLC must argue, in effect, that the methods and the conditions of confinement in the CIA program could constitutionally be inflicted on American citizens in a county jail.

in other words, Americans in any town of this country could constitutionally be hung from the ceiling naked, sleep deprived, water-boarded, and all the rest -- if the alleged national security justification was compelling.

Finally, and about damn time too, from today's Washington Post:

American officials condoned and conducted torture.

The idea of a global village is wrong, it's more like a gazillion pub bars.
Phage
[ Parent ]

Yeah (2.00 / 2) (#5)
by Nimey on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 02:51:09 PM EST

American officials condoned and conducted torture.

Any voter who wasn't a Republican knew this and never bought the "few bad apples" argument.  Bet the dittoheads will never admit they were wrong.
--
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

[ Parent ]

be careful (1.50 / 2) (#6)
by Liar on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 02:56:24 PM EST

It's a sad thing when people who are opposed to waterboarding say they want to see it used on others in order to prove a point.

If you're opposed to torture in all circumstances, you should be opposed to it in all circumstances.

"Oh, but he's willing..." Yeah, I'm sure that explains your enthusiasm; you're still better than those other people who had their rationalizations for wanting to see it done.


I admit I'm a Liar. That's why you can trust me.
[ Parent ]
The idea (3.00 / 2) (#7)
by Nimey on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 03:13:49 PM EST

is to show the person in favor of torture exactly how bad torture is, the better to dissuade him from his position.

And yes, it does matter that he's willing.  We don't make a fuss about our soldiers going tortured in SERE training, because that's what they signed up for.  It's being done to them to show them how to resist enemy interrogation techniques.

Another reason why willingness matters: if I was into S&M and my partner wanted me to be the sadist, I'd be OK with that because we're consenting adults.  I'm not into S&M and don't enjoy hurting other people, but that doesn't change the facts.
--
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

[ Parent ]

Consent isn't the issue (1.50 / 4) (#9)
by Liar on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 05:27:18 PM EST

I'm not talking about Hannity's willingness to endure waterboarding, nor that two consenting people can do it in their own homes. I'm talking about your motivations to see it done to someone else, especially if you're opposed to it.

People say it here all the time: we are judged by how well we treat our enemies. If you find satisfaction in their torture, that's how you should be judged.

If you really find torture objectionable on the grounds that it's unneccessary, unproductive and inhumane suffering, you presumably don't believe you should use torture to prove that point, no? You could, for example, point to the many cases where torture has been used, point them to the war crimes prosecution of WWII Japanese by US officials for engaging in it, that the State Department defined it as torture when the Khmer Rouge engaged in it during the 70s, as well as the testimony and videos of people who have undergone it. You shouldn't have to go out and waterboard people until they agree that it's torture, right? By the objector's standard it's unneccessary, unproductive and inhumane.

If you agree that torture doesn't lead to worthwhile results and that other methods of persuasion are better... here's your chance to man up and stand by that opinion. Watch Hannity endure it with disgust, not pleasure.

And if you want to torture someone on the grounds of it being educational and entertaining, well, national security hardly seems like an inferior reason to prohibit it. Far from proving wrong those who support waterboarding, you're putting yourself on their side.


I admit I'm a Liar. That's why you can trust me.
[ Parent ]
Let's clear this up a little (none / 1) (#35)
by jtheory on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 05:10:51 AM EST

You're mixing up "like to" with "should".

You can certain wish for someone you really dislike to suffer.  But there's a huge difference between being thrilled that they wrecked their car, and cutting their brake lines.

I really dislike Hannity.  I'd never advocate actually abducting & torturing him (I suspect that the people who suggest it wouldn't either, if they actually had the power to carry it out... talking trash != action), and I feel strongly that it should be illegal no matter what country we're in.  And obviously law doesn't work this way, but I wouldn't even support a law that banned torture with just Sean Hannity as the exception.

But if he wants to sign up for the "safe & unforced" version of waterboarding to see just how unpleasant it is, I'm confident it'll be much more unpleasant than he realizes, and that would put a smile on my face, WITHOUT affecting my views on torture at all.

[ Parent ]

Tragically, you're confusing things (none / 1) (#36)
by Liar on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 11:10:03 AM EST

Would you be happy to see him safely flailed? It's a contradiction in terms, right?

We classify waterboarding as torture because it causes lasting mental trauma, just as flailing causes lasting phsyical trauma. You cannot do either safely. You can only try do them non-lethally but in reality, there's no guarantee of that.

If you smile at the action, it's because it causes him trauma. And for what reason? Being a loudmouth? That's an odd justification, it seems to me.


I admit I'm a Liar. That's why you can trust me.
[ Parent ]
I merely propose (none / 0) (#21)
by rusty on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 09:23:53 AM EST

that the torturer should torture all and only those who do not torture themselves.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
My ex-gf was from the same town Sean grew up in (none / 0) (#10)
by Ron Paul on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 06:31:16 PM EST

bayport, NY. He is well known around town and liked.Fox news baby.

This [Ron Paul] Diary! has brought Kuro5hin back to life! HUZZAH


After reading the first comment, I had a great (3.00 / 13) (#18)
by greengrass on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 09:14:44 PM EST

idea.

Let's let Hannity submit himself to torture, but not stop it. Even after he drops the metal things. Even after he's screamed the "safe" word.

Then bring him into an interrogation room and tell him he admitted to some bullshit Foxnews did and implicated himself. Then keep him up for days blaring Arabian music in his cell. Soak him with water. Make him remove all his clothes and take pictures making fun of his dick. Have him stand on a box with wires attached to his nuts, surround him with vicious dogs and tell him if he steps off the box the dogs will kill him. Let him really believe it will never end.

I'd bet he'd crack and admit some pretty funny shit - like the time him and Bill O were playing I'll show you mine if you show me yours and Greta Van whatever walked in and had a bigger dick than the two of them combined.

I was going to comment... (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by gr3y on Fri Apr 24, 2009 at 11:12:57 PM EST

but the only thing I have to add to what you've already said is: why stop there?

Waterboard Cheney until he sees five lights. Break him. Then maybe he'll keep that mouth shut.

If we can't, then we'll know waterboarding isn't torture. But we'll have to really try before we know for sure.

I am a disruptive technology.
[ Parent ]

Not only has a bigger dick... (none / 0) (#43)
by Harry B Otch on Tue May 12, 2009 at 02:12:53 PM EST

but she knows how to use it, too.  Just ask Todd "Caribou Bottom" Palin.

-----
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
[ Parent ]

we can make it so it doesn't completely ruin him (none / 0) (#22)
by LilDebbie on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 11:33:02 AM EST

say give him a few "secrets" the interrogator tries to get him to reveal and for each "secret" hannity gives up under duress he donates X number of dollars to charity.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

Just get him to admit that it's torture. (3.00 / 15) (#23)
by Pentashagon on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 08:24:34 PM EST

If it's not torture, he won't feel compelled to lie and say that it is.

Brilliant idea. (none / 0) (#25)
by ykant on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 10:41:39 PM EST

Co-signed!

[ Parent ]
wish i could 3 this twice (3.00 / 4) (#26)
by zombie HollyHopDrive on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 04:02:27 AM EST

oh wait i can



[He blew]inside..m..e.. [and verily] corrected a deviated septum and cauterized my turbinates. - MichaelCrawford
[ Parent ]
he should be urine-boarded (none / 0) (#24)
by lastdayoftherestofyourlife on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 09:27:25 PM EST



I'd cook asparagus for that. (nt) (3.00 / 4) (#27)
by Psycho Dave on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 04:22:14 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Its standard procedure for our special ops (none / 0) (#28)
by dxh on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 03:49:13 PM EST

You guys do know that its standard procedure for our special ops teams to experience being water boarded as part of their The Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape (SERE) training?

An amazing fact detailed in the linked video! $ (none / 1) (#31)
by yuo on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 04:56:27 PM EST


I wish I had thought of pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants.
[ Parent ]

Its standard procedure for our special ops (none / 1) (#29)
by dxh on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 03:49:41 PM EST

You guys do know that its standard procedure for our special ops teams to experience being water boarded as part of their The Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape (SERE) training?

Its not torture, it's interrogation.

double (none / 1) (#30)
by dxh on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 03:51:04 PM EST

sorry...double...slow ass network here at work.


[ Parent ]
Another amazing fact: (none / 1) (#32)
by lastdayoftherestofyourlife on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 10:47:22 PM EST

SERE participants undergo it because we're afraid they may fall into the hands of the most inhuman of enemies, those evil people so devoid of morality that they will torture someone despite the fact that it has no real effectiveness as an interrogation tool other than to cause pain and suffering.

Our troops might even admit to things they haven't ever done just to avoid the waterboarding, signing confessions and telling the wildest of lies...

And we do it to our detainees because it works!

[ Parent ]

Real torture (3.00 / 2) (#33)
by pyro9 on Tue Apr 28, 2009 at 11:32:49 PM EST

Training experiences can be a terrible ordeal, but still can NOT measure up to the real thing.

The differences are fairly important. First, when it real, there is no end in sight. It could be days, weeks, years, who knows. No getting through it by counting the days.

When it's an exercise, the trainers will be in some serious crap if you suffer any real injury and you know it. When it's real, they may very well not care if it kills you or not. They believe you're the enemy and so they hate you. Your life depends on them not messing up...

For Hannity to get a real feel for this, it will be necessary to kick his door in at 3A.M., drag him out, toss him in a van and drive him to an unknown location first. Then the waterboarding begins. Getting it to stop will require not only answering all questions completely but convincing the interrogators that the answers are truthful.


The future isn't what it used to be
[ Parent ]
Skeptical (3.00 / 3) (#34)
by localman on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 12:38:29 AM EST

Read this:

  http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=448717

Unless someone comes out with a similar experience, I'm betting they did it wrong.  A watered-down version of water boarding, if you will.  I'm pretty sure this is what Hannity would have done to him.

Consider this: waterboarding has been used throughout history, including by the Inquisition, to compel people to admit things that resulted in their death and their family's death.  How could anything short of torture result in such things?

My grandfather was held captive and tortured (though not waterboarded) for five years by the Polish secret police after helping refugees in WWII.  Eventually he agreed with their accusations (that he was a spy) and signed things that were not true.

It's a stupid, stupid path for a nation to go down.

[ Parent ]

Exactly, (none / 1) (#37)
by levesque on Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 07:03:53 PM EST

either Hannity doesn't really know what waterboarding can be or he is trying to mislead people and never expects it will happen to him.

Your link and comment give a pretty good idea that there are many levels to waterboarding and that it is, without a doubt, torture when done professionally. Using just superficial techniques it would be so easy to get Hannity, not to admit to, but to state calmly he was mistaken about water boarding and it is in fact torture; using a bit more advanced techniques you could get him to state anything convincingly.

And people die from waterboarding, and there usually are no overt signs this is happening, until it's too late.

[ Parent ]

SERE (3.00 / 3) (#38)
by error 404 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 at 10:10:18 AM EST

SERE is (among other things) training in how to cope with torture. The fact that an activity is part of SERE is more evidence that it IS torture than that it is not.
..................................
Electrical banana is bound to be the very next phase
- Donovan

[ Parent ]
not for days on end several times a day (none / 1) (#42)
by manjal on Sun May 03, 2009 at 09:17:23 PM EST

sorry, reality disagrees with you about hat actually happened.

[ Parent ]
dont forget diapers and shackling (3.00 / 2) (#39)
by manjal on Fri May 01, 2009 at 04:55:25 PM EST

they call it 'sleep deprivation' in the bradbury may 30 2005 memo, but what it really means is wearing a diaper for 3 days, while being shackled in a standing position, with no breaks. yeah, someone has to come check your diaper, clean you, and change you. this is in the same documents legitimizing waterboarding.

so, if anything, i think hannity should volunteer to get shackled standing up for 3 days while he shits and pisses himself in a diaper, which is regularly checked and changed.

then he can report back to us on how it wasnt really that bad, and is not really torture.

s/Exactly,/Exactly, and (none / 0) (#40)
by levesque on Fri May 01, 2009 at 07:28:44 PM EST



Sorry, that goes after my comment (none / 0) (#41)
by levesque on Fri May 01, 2009 at 07:33:04 PM EST

if it could be move would be good, thanks

[ Parent ]
[link] Another one lasted 6 secs... (none / 1) (#44)
by mirko on Sat May 23, 2009 at 04:53:59 AM EST

See link...
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
Let's Waterboard Sean Hannity Properly | 44 comments (40 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:

kuro5hin.org

[XML]
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. The Rest 2000 - Present Kuro5hin.org Inc.
See our legalese page for copyright policies. Please also read our Privacy Policy.
Kuro5hin.org is powered by Free Software, including Apache, Perl, and Linux, The Scoop Engine that runs this site is freely available, under the terms of the GPL.
Need some help? Email help@kuro5hin.org.
My heart's the long stairs.

Powered by Scoop create account | help/FAQ | mission | links | search | IRC | YOU choose the stories!