The profound realization that what you say is true was one of the more significant factors that lead to my psychiatric hospitalization back in 1994, for
This was just at the start of the third quarter of physics grad school. I had to drop out. Although the medicine they gave me started to help right away, it took several years to fully recover.
The North Koreans were rattling their nuclear sabers back then too, and I knew very well just how serious a threat they were, and not just them, but any tin-pot dictatorship that wanted to raise a lot of Hell.
All it takes is a large industrial plant with the technology of the 1940's, a lot of magnet wire, and a lot of electricity, and yes, a grad student with a PC and a copy of Matlab.
What led to my hospitalization was that I became convinced it was my personal responsibility to warn everyone. Also significant was the urgency with which I felt I should warn everyone RIGHT NOW.
I was posting a lot of stuff to Usenet and to mailing lists back then, stuff that probably didn't make a whole lot of sense. You can probably find it all in groups.google.com. Look for my old emails, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com.
Risperdal helped. It's "the most frequently prescribed antipsychotic medication in the U.S."
However, despite the fact that I am, I hope at least, sane these days, I still sense the danger, and still feel it is my responsibility to warn anyone who will listen.
I just try to be more lucid about it. I have discovered that writing or speaking lucidly does a better job of convincing people, than does flailing about raging about the nuclear conspiracy. It's not at all that I was mistaken in my beliefs, just my methods.
"North Koreans" has become a helpful codeword that Bonita uses to warn me I'm obsessing on one of my paranoia triggers. If I'm going on about how, say, George Bush stole the election in 2000, Bonita just has to say "Mike! North Koreans!" and I realize I need to stop.
Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way.
-- bride of spidy
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