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[P]
Corpse Disposal Made Simple

By LilDebbie in Science
Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:20:10 PM EST
Tags: Security (all tags)
Security

*Disclaimer* Murder is against the law. Do not commit murder. Do not construe this article as encouraging you to commit murder. This is for educational purposes only. *Disclaimer*


Before we begin class, make sure you have the following items:

A shovel (you may also want a pick if the ground's hard)
An extra set of clothes
Antiseptic wipes
Two large tarps (preferably brown)
A bag of quicklime
A ball peen hammer (or other hammer)
A metal file
A good, sharp knife (serrated is best)
An adult diaper
Large garbage bag
Gasoline (or other accelerant)
Ammonia

Dig a grave (depending on how paranoid you are) 3-6 feet deep somewhere remote *before* you kill anyone. Leave the shovel in there with a bag of quicklime. Put a tarp over the grave and put leaves and shit over the tarp. In case you're retarded, be sure to weigh the edges of the tarp down with large rocks. So far, your only crime is trespassing and maybe conspiracy if your lawyer's incompetent.

When you kill your victim, take precautions not to drop any identifying evidence, i.e. DNA and fingerprints. You don't have to worry too much about DNA as they can't trace it back to you without you being a suspect first, and if you do everything else right, you won't be a suspect. If you do "spill" anything, use the ammonia to clean it up. Nothing fancy, a bottle of Mr. Clean will do the trick. Also, when the victim finally dies, put the diaper on them as soon as possible. Trust me on this.

Put the victim on the tarp, wrap it up, and put it in your trunk. Double check the area of the deed for evidence and clean as necessary. Drive out to roughly a kilometer away from the grave you dug earlier. Put the car someplace secluded and proceed on foot to the grave. Quietly check the area to make sure no one is there. Once you're confident you're alone, head back to the car. Put the body across your shoulders in a fireman's carry and walk back to the grave. Don't kill fat people, they're hard to carry.

Unwrap the body. It's important that you leave the body on the tarp until you actually dump it in the grave. Strip the body of all clothing and personal effects, including jewelry and any implants you may or may not be aware of. To make the corpse unidentifiable, smash out the teeth with the hammer. Use the file to remove its fingerprints. You may want to do the same with the feet, but it's not as important. If you're really paranoid, destroy the eyes as well. Don't bother with the hair.

Take the tarp off from over the grave. Dump the body and any large pieces that may have come loose while cleaning into the grave. Sprinkle the bag of quicklime over and around the corpse. I should note that you can never use too much quicklime, but a single bag is usually sufficient. At this point, put everything but the shovel into the garbage bag. Fill the grave making sure to leave a small mound as the earth will settle. Pile leaves and shit around the mound.

Double check to make sure you didn't leave anything. Head back to the car and toss your shit in the trunk. Drive to another remote location and burn everything with the gasoline, including the gas can. Clean your trunk and burn the cleaning materials as well. Strip naked and wipe yourself down with the antiseptic. If you have a portable shower, use it. Burn your clothes. Put on the spare set that I hope to god you weren't stupid enough to keep in the trunk. If you insist on keeping the tools, clean them thoroughly before putting them back in the car, but I highly recommend you burn them too.

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Poll
If killing people is wrong,
o then I don't want to be right. 35%
o then I want to get away with it. 64%

Votes: 62
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by LilDebbie


Display: Sort:
Corpse Disposal Made Simple | 235 comments (215 topical, 20 editorial, 0 hidden)
Rex Feral Impersonation? (3.00 / 3) (#3)
by Thrasymachus on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 04:56:28 PM EST

Reminds me of Hit Man, a Technical Manual for Independent Contractors. Paladin Press only had to pay a few million because of it.

Heh (3.00 / 3) (#46)
by trhurler on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 04:02:29 PM EST

The amusing part about that book is, anyone who follows its instructions is likely to waste a lot of time on things that won't help him, and end up getting caught anyway.

--
'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
MORAL OF THE STORY: (3.00 / 5) (#6)
by Kasreyn on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 05:43:03 PM EST

Stock up on the Lil Debbie snacks and get fat so no one will kill you. Or, at least, to ensure they'll get caught because they won't be able to transport your gross carcass.


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
viral murder marketing! (nt) (none / 0) (#7)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 05:53:51 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Like the bumper sticker says: (2.66 / 6) (#26)
by Farting in Elevators on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 12:24:05 AM EST

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

[ Parent ]
how to kill stupid k5 posters (2.53 / 15) (#9)
by hildi on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 06:25:43 PM EST

oh, please note that this is all illegal. im just trying to write a clever witty story. tee hee!

first, hack the k5 box. track down their IP. then run a couple of traceroutes on it from different shell accounts across the nation. eventually you
can figure out what city they live in.

then use some social engineering and/or hacking against their ISP to find out their real name. if its a simple telephone ISP just buy an account their, dial up, shell into the unix box, and do a 'whois' or something. otherwise like i said use social engineering. pretend to be their mother or them. use their SSN (its easy to get, you might just try googling, or call up some local  libraries or whatever and ask for a new card to be sent to you 'because youve moved out of state', or whatever. better yet go on irc and buy it from some eastern european hacker crew)

after you find out where they live, then you can hire a hitman. they run about 15 grand for a hit of this type since the offender is probably fat and lazy and sits in their room all the time and nobody will know they are gone for a few days.

oh, please note that this is all illegal. im just trying to write a clever witty story. tee hee!

i noe yuo luv me turmy! lol nt (3.00 / 3) (#12)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 07:02:57 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
dude you thinkk you can social engineer (3.00 / 12) (#21)
by I HATE TROLLS on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 11:04:45 PM EST

i once kkilled a dude wiht socieal engineering alone

[ Parent ]
Suggestion (3.00 / 6) (#10)
by jandev on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 06:27:49 PM EST

Instead of all that bother with cleaning the trunk etc, can I recommend stealing another car and torching that together with the garbage bag?

Added bonus is that the fire will be much more gratifying.


"ENGINEERS" IS NOT POSSESSIVE. IT'S A PLURAL. YOU DO NOT MOTHERFUCKING MARK A PLURAL WITH A COCKSUCKING APOSTROPHE. APOSTROPHES ARE FOR MARKING POSSESSIVES IN THIS CASE. IF YOU WEREN'T A TOTAL MORON, YOU WOULD BE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE "THE CIVIL ENGINEER'S SMALL PENIS". SEE THAT APOSTROPHE? IT'S A HAPPY APOSTROPHE. IT'S NOT BEING ABUSED BY SOME GODDAMN SHIT-FOR-BRAINS IDIOT WITH NO EDUCATION. - Nimey

Hmm (3.00 / 3) (#45)
by trhurler on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 04:01:48 PM EST

I take it you don't understand the idea of "not being noticed."

--
'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
Well, that may very well be true... (none / 0) (#52)
by jandev on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 09:16:25 PM EST

...But burning stuff is cool!

Especially cars.

(Off to set my neighbour's neighbour's 911 ablaze)


"ENGINEERS" IS NOT POSSESSIVE. IT'S A PLURAL. YOU DO NOT MOTHERFUCKING MARK A PLURAL WITH A COCKSUCKING APOSTROPHE. APOSTROPHES ARE FOR MARKING POSSESSIVES IN THIS CASE. IF YOU WEREN'T A TOTAL MORON, YOU WOULD BE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE "THE CIVIL ENGINEER'S SMALL PENIS". SEE THAT APOSTROPHE? IT'S A HAPPY APOSTROPHE. IT'S NOT BEING ABUSED BY SOME GODDAMN SHIT-FOR-BRAINS IDIOT WITH NO EDUCATION. - Nimey
[ Parent ]

and *walk* home? (3.00 / 2) (#94)
by aoe2bug on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:03:24 PM EST

what, and then walk home? thats fun.

[ Parent ]
Alternative: Feed it to pigs (2.40 / 10) (#13)
by hesk on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 07:10:09 PM EST

Best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. The next best thing to do is feed them to pigs. First, you got to starve the pigs for a few days. Then you gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. They go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig". BTW, -1

--
Sticking to the rules doesn't improve your safety, relying on the rules is

I like to think of this (3.00 / 6) (#14)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 07:26:16 PM EST

as the more economical method. Not all of us can afford to keep a pig farm.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
If you're going to shamelessly rip off movies (3.00 / 3) (#36)
by Sigismund of Luxemburg on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 04:25:53 AM EST

don't pick popular ones.
ANONYMISED
[ Parent ]
Movies? Snort. (none / 0) (#42)
by mjfgates on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 03:00:49 PM EST

They caught a serial killer up in Vancouver, B.C., just a couple of years ago who used this precise method of disposal. Worked pretty well, and he made quite a few friends by giving away free sides of pork.

[ Parent ]
It's a monologue from Snatch. (3.00 / 2) (#53)
by Sigismund of Luxemburg on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 09:32:03 PM EST

Almost word for word.
ANONYMISED
[ Parent ]
Robert Pickerton /nt (none / 0) (#160)
by destroy all monsters on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:05:22 PM EST



"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]
Err - Pickton /nt (none / 0) (#165)
by destroy all monsters on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:08:48 PM EST



"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]
Fargo's use (3.00 / 2) (#50)
by destroy all monsters on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 09:00:26 PM EST

of a wood chipper wasn't that bad of an idea.

The problem is then having a sand blaster on hand so that it can be re-painted afterward. You'd have to burn all the leftovers (from the sandblasting) afterwards. You could easily have all the remants put into 5 gallon plastic buckets and seal them before disposing of the remains. Burn the buckets once you're done. Probably more effort than it's worth.

"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]

ding, ding, ding! (none / 1) (#54)
by hesk on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 09:35:01 PM EST

we have a winner. (also, snatch isn't that popular among the people i know.)

--
Sticking to the rules doesn't improve your safety, relying on the rules is
[
Parent ]

What about just stealing a car (3.00 / 3) (#17)
by Sesquipundalian on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 07:50:38 PM EST

and running your victim down at night (you just have to get them somewhere secluded).

Wear flat soled shoes, new jeans, a long sleeved shirt, a ball cap, and surgical gloves that you burn later if you're really paranoid (or if you tend to do this a lot).


Did you know that gullible is not actually an english word?
That prompts a murder investigation (3.00 / 4) (#18)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 07:57:20 PM EST

whereas if someone simply disappears, it's a missing person, which gets much less attention.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
That depends (3.00 / 4) (#40)
by warrax on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 01:34:03 PM EST

on whether its a young white cute girl or one of the less fortunate demographics.

-- "Guns don't kill people. I kill people."
[ Parent ]
Don't kill young, cute, blonde girls (nt) (none / 0) (#61)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:46:03 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
The quicklime is asking for trouble. (2.90 / 11) (#19)
by Polverone on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 09:10:54 PM EST

You fool! Quicklime has a powerful affinity for water. Too much dries the corpse and retards bacterial decomposition with the high pH. You want to use acid or fire if you're impatient about reducing a corpse to its molecular components.

I would also note that a judicious choice of corpse production methods will also render corpse disposal simpler and tidier. Guns and knives are simply out if you want to minimize muss and fuss.

In the US, more than 1/3 of all murders remain unsolved. If there's no obvious motive and you kill a stranger, you can surely get away with it barring major screwups. But why would anyone kill a stranger without external motivation? Crafty murder is simply far too much work for that fleeting thrill considering that the audience here has porn and potato chips available without leaving their seats.
--
It's not a just, good idea; it's the law.

You fool! (3.00 / 5) (#20)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 09:13:11 PM EST

The quicklime is not for decomposition! It is to keep the animals from digging up the corpse! Who cares about decomposition times for something no one knows is there?

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
no matter what.. (none / 1) (#33)
by The Amazing Idiot on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 01:58:36 AM EST

Somebody WILL find that. ANd then some serious investigation will go on.

And there is no statute of limitations on murder.

[ Parent ]

but after a whie (3.00 / 5) (#34)
by monkeymind on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 02:53:43 AM EST

more than 50 years and murder becomes archaeology.

I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people and assume the deserve it.
[ Parent ]

But why would anyone kill a stranger? (none / 0) (#39)
by Armada on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 01:32:54 PM EST

Assassination market.

There can always be an external motive for killing a stranger.

[ Parent ]

Feed me a stray cat. (n/t) (3.00 / 2) (#81)
by fenris on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:29:56 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Awesome movie [n/t] (none / 0) (#106)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:46:37 PM EST


------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
Sloppy. Very sloppy. (2.83 / 12) (#22)
by forgotten on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 11:11:27 PM EST

You neglect to mention that someone who is likely to commit murder is also likely to have committed a crime in the past, and may have DNA on record somewhere.

You neglect to mention making sure your car is in good condition: no outstanding fines, broken taillights. You don't want to be pulled over with a body in the trunk.

Finally, you also forget the golden rule of murder: 50 things you didn't think of will go wrong. Where is the contingency plan? For crissake, you don't even advise having a handgun ready in case a hiker happens upon you whilst you are digging the grave beforehand.

These flaws lead me to suspect that you are, in fact, simply a poser and not a true murderer at all.

--

made *simple* (2.40 / 5) (#24)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 11:55:35 PM EST

jeez, you don't want to confuse the poor bastards.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Like Nicky Santoro said: (3.00 / 12) (#25)
by Farting in Elevators on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 12:20:38 AM EST

"Got a lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. Except you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise you're talkin' about a half-hour or forty-five minutes of diggin'. And who knows who's gonna be comin' along in that time? Before you know it, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all fuckin' night."

[ Parent ]
was that casino? (3.00 / 3) (#27)
by forgotten on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 12:38:00 AM EST

nt

--

[ Parent ]

Yes. (2.50 / 4) (#28)
by Farting in Elevators on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 12:41:30 AM EST

By coincidence, I just happened to watch it tonight and notice the parallels that little monologue had with this story. Great movie, by the way.

[ Parent ]
i also had two movies in mind (none / 1) (#29)
by forgotten on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 12:47:16 AM EST

the broken taillights on the car was from Pulp Fiction. The fifty things that can go wrong is from another movie, but I can't remember which one. The quote went something like.. "Anytime you kill someone there are fifty things that will go wrong. If you are good, you can maybe plan for ten of them."

The name will probably come to me with a little more thought.

--

[ Parent ]

In regard to cars... (none / 0) (#174)
by Ashura on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 09:01:02 AM EST

The pullover in Fargo also comes to mind.

[ Parent ]
Awesome! (3.00 / 9) (#35)
by elver on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 03:40:27 AM EST

Don't kill fat people, they're hard to carry.

Awesome! I am safe from your murderous rage! And people say that being overweight is dangerous. Hah!

The Flipside (3.00 / 6) (#37)
by thelizman on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:16:26 AM EST

When the apocalpyse comes, fat people will be the first ones eaten.
--

"Our language is sufficiently clumsy enough to allow us to believe foolish things." - George Orwell
[ Parent ]
that depends... (none / 0) (#78)
by fenris on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:14:42 AM EST

on whether you still want to eat healthy after the apocalypse or not. I mean, if you're eating all these fatty, greasy folks then you're just going to pack on the pounds. Next thing you know, you're a pot roast as well.

[ Parent ]
You'll Need the Fat (3.00 / 6) (#132)
by thelizman on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:15:15 PM EST

Dried strips of fat people can be stored for long periods, and used as sustanance. You can use their super-large stomachs to hold water, their intestine for bowstrings, and their dried skins to build tents. I'm not saying eat the fatties all at once, but rather use them wisely, like the indians did the buffalo.

(Granted, Buffalo is a source of lean protein.)
--

"Our language is sufficiently clumsy enough to allow us to believe foolish things." - George Orwell
[ Parent ]
regardless (3.00 / 2) (#73)
by chlorus on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:16:04 AM EST

You will just kill yourself off at 40 from acute angina and hypertension.

Good luck and go take a fucking walk maybe.

Peahippo: Coked-up internet tough guy or creepy pedophile?
[ Parent ]

You left out... (none / 1) (#135)
by thelizman on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:18:52 PM EST

...diabetes, coronary disease, infections from skin lesions that form between folds. I've seen some disgustingly fat fat people. I'm not talking overweight, I mean the genuinely morbidly obese. They get some of the dumbest diseases. The beauty of it is, they spend lots of money to engorge their fat asses, then medicare pays to treat the symptoms of their gluttony. I say, let 'em die. They're killing themselves, who are we to interfere with their free will?
--

"Our language is sufficiently clumsy enough to allow us to believe foolish things." - George Orwell
[ Parent ]
personal responsibility (1.50 / 8) (#38)
by ccdotnet on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 01:04:25 PM EST

None of this:

*Disclaimer* Murder is against the law. Do not commit murder. Do not construe this article as encouraging you to commit murder. This is for educational purposes only. *Disclaimer*

absolves you of your responsibility for putting content like that on the web, where (if the article lives) it could be around a long, long time.

What goes around comes around, as they say.

Say I were to produce a movie (none / 1) (#69)
by icenine on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:27:31 AM EST

that accurately depicted, with detail, how one could commit the perfect murder. Would I also be responsible? Besides, why should dispersal of infomation ever be a crime? Isn't it the manner of the *use* of that information that has the potential to be criminal?

[ Parent ]
it depends if you're talking legally, or morally (none / 0) (#74)
by lostincali on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:16:11 AM EST

I mean, if you made that movie, and some nut followed every tenet, and executed a perfect, icenine style murder, then , well, a good lawyer and you're fine, legally. But , another way of looking at it would be that you pretty much enabled someone to kill. From a moral standpoint, you're pretty shitty.

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."
[ Parent ]

From a moral standpoint, you're an idiot. (2.66 / 3) (#100)
by Zeriel on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:29:21 PM EST

Making a movie is not morally equivalent to "enabling someone to kill". Period, end of discussion.

[ Parent ]
lostincali's reply (none / 0) (#76)
by ccdotnet on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 05:00:54 AM EST

sums up the way I feel about it (both the movie scenario you paint, and lildeb's original post).

[ Parent ]
Litigious Society (none / 0) (#99)
by calumny on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:29:20 PM EST

Depending on local attitudes about lawsuits, winning damages against someone even peripherally related in a crime could be possible. As someone else mentioned, "Hit Man" by Rex Feral (darling name) led to a million dollar lawsuit against the publisher Paladin Press.

Hell, even inmates are bringing lawsuits.



[ Parent ]
Go commit crime. I super double secret dare you! (none / 0) (#116)
by JVincent on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:24:59 PM EST

The responsibility for putting it on the web isn't the concern. The only thing "illigal" would be if he encouraged people to commit a crime which the statement makes clear is not the intend.

[ Parent ]
``This is for educational purposes only'' (none / 1) (#41)
by stuaart on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 01:38:38 PM EST

... how? Explain.

Linkwhore: [Hidden stories.] Baldrtainment: Corporate concubines and Baldrson: An Introspective


Someone will try this and fail (3.00 / 6) (#48)
by coder66 on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 05:55:58 PM EST

There are too many things that can go wrong with that plan. A novice will make a mistake somewhere and get caught.

This is a much safer method, and likely only your own conscious and/or bragging drunkenly at the bar will lead to you walking the mile.

Note: If you really want to kill someone, I recommend you join the army. If you volunteer for the right things you will get the opportunity, and you will be a hero and not a sicko.

1. Take up pottery, buy a kiln to fire your work in.
2. Make some crap. Wait. Make sure you are seen using your kiln; give your crappy attempts at art to neighbors.
3. Find someone who has pissed you off. You need to be able to get close to them without suspicion.
4. Strangle them. If neccesary slip them some sleeping pills to make it easier. This will cause petechial hemmorrhaging, but we will take care of that.
5. Get the body to your kiln. This is the most dangerous part.
6. Your kiln should be in an airtight room, which no one will be around for at least a couple of hours(depending on how good of a kiln you got). Place the body in the kiln, cook for 30 minutes at 3000 degrees. This will leave you with(for an 180 pound body) about 5 pounds of calcified ash.
7. There will be smoke in the room(kilns are not meant to burn things). Ideally you have installed an air filtration system that will clear out the smoke. Otherwise prepare to take some risk as you vent the area(burned human has a distinctive smell).
8. Drive to the ocean or down the interstate, spread your ashes out.
9. Clean up your kiln room. Everything that is left is just carbon from the burning, but you don't want it to look odd that your kiln has this all over it(kilns don't normally produce carbon residue when used to fire pottery). 10. If you can't clean it competely. Turn the bricks or have a new lining standing by, depending on how your kiln is made.
11. Contemplate going to hell, or turning yourself into the authorities.

Not cheap nor simple (none / 0) (#64)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:55:33 PM EST

One could also become a funeral director with access to a crematorium, but this requires far too much time and effort.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
potentially lethal to murderer n/t (none / 0) (#75)
by livus on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:16:26 AM EST



---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Kilns that would fit a body are too expensive NT (none / 1) (#97)
by calumny on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:22:56 PM EST



[ Parent ]
distinctive smell (none / 1) (#123)
by snarlydwarf on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:54:07 PM EST

well, if you call the smell of wax distinctive, yes.

It's like thousands of cheap wax candles burning  at once.

It was surprisingly not very disgusting until you thought about the why's of the smell.

[ Parent ]

try burning a single strand of hair (none / 0) (#144)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:41:28 PM EST

it's not terrible pleasant.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
hair is nothing compared to fat... (3.00 / 2) (#163)
by snarlydwarf on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 10:39:31 PM EST

the fat in a body really does smell like a very thick waxy smell.  The quantity of fat in the typical body overwhelms the amount of hair.

On a cold night with a bit of fog (the kind of night best for burning bodies), where the smoke sits low to the ground it feels almost like you're suffocating from the thickness of the air.


[ Parent ]

i don't wanna know (none / 0) (#218)
by zrail on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 11:21:41 PM EST

how it is you came to know this ....

[ Parent ]
Prevent hell ? (none / 0) (#170)
by the JinX on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 04:45:21 AM EST

11. Contemplate going to hell, or turning yourself into the authorities. Does turning oneself in prevent hell ?? Cool :D
If ur chased around by trouble and followed by a JinX
I'll JinX ur trouble and trouble ur JinX...
int main ( void )
[ Parent ]
No, those are simply optoins. (none / 0) (#191)
by coder66 on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 09:57:51 PM EST

In order to prevent going to hell you need to accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior. You also need to repent. Repenting is the tricky part. However, turning yourself into the authorities can get rid of that nagging guilty conscience.

[ Parent ]
Fire and Ice (none / 1) (#234)
by Gryftir on Sat Oct 22, 2005 at 08:19:32 AM EST

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice

Why burn when you can Dip in liquid Nitrogen and pulverize?

So what are the advantages of this method of body disposal? It takes 6 to 12 months for the body to turn to soil. You break the body apart withoud messy cutting; This lets you check the body for telltale objects that might give you away (such as a pacemaker with a serial number). Powered body can be disposed of in multiple locations, a little at a time. There are no readily identifiable body parts when you are done, reducing the risk of being noticed prior to disposal. Finally, by mixing in bleach with the powered body, you can fully prevent dna testing.

Here is a handy guide for where to get, or how to make, liquid nitrogen.

[ Parent ]

For a lurker (none / 1) (#235)
by LilDebbie on Mon Oct 24, 2005 at 05:03:55 PM EST

You sure chose a strange time, place, and subject for your first comment.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
+1FP (3.00 / 6) (#49)
by destroy all monsters on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 07:51:27 PM EST

Topical (on the footheels of GTA:SA), angers the politically correct, wingnuts and the self-righteous in one blow.

Suggested specifics: Acid is much easier to use than a file for fingerprints. Also works well with eyes if need be. Some photographic supply stores carry fairly strong types of acid and when purchased with other photography supplies doesn't look suspicious.

Double up on non-latex gloves - at no time do you want to find out at the last minute you're allergic to latex. Also leaving traces of your own DNA is bad. Since most people have histories with their victims eliminating evidence that can be connected to you will be essential. Powderless is best.

Instead of a garden variety hammer, which will be slow and difficult to break the teeth, use a fiberglass handled sledgehammer. Use it repeatedly on the lower jaw. Many of the crowns will be free and can be then filed or destroyed. The fiberglass will burn nicely and there's no way of taking fingerprints or fibers off of it after the fact.

"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice

Latex ruins the intimacy of the moment (none / 1) (#59)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:44:00 PM EST

and is unnecessary as long as you're conscientious about cleaning (or burning, or burying) what you touch. Also, acid adds another level of complication that really isn't necessary. The fiberglass sledgehammer is a solid idea. I didn't know they made those.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
The only time you shouldn't be wearing the gloves (3.00 / 2) (#71)
by destroy all monsters on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:49:07 AM EST

is when you're driving the car. Otherwise sometime before, during of after the moment you'll forget when you were or weren't using them. Best to be safe. Especially if your fingerprints are on file somewhere (and many people's are).

Yeah they've used fiberglass handled sledges at least since the 80s. We used to use them in the military sometimes to drive grounding rods into the ground. Like fiberglass mopsticks they're a little harder to find but worth it.

"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]

Also +1 FP (3.00 / 3) (#51)
by voodooeskimo on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 09:12:48 PM EST

Why the hell wasn't this around when I committed my murders? Damn, now I'm too old to get it right. I had to settle with killing the CSIs, too. Which meant more disposal.

You stole my diary and future story! (2.66 / 3) (#55)
by uptownpimp on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 10:06:57 PM EST

I'm writing the same fucking story! My original Idea!

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I'm sorry (none / 0) (#63)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:52:12 PM EST

but the comment I wrote for your diary was so fucking long I figured I'd submit it to the queue. Sometimes getting it out there is more important than getting it perfect.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Meh (none / 1) (#65)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:05:46 AM EST

I really dont care. But this still means war!

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[ Parent ]
Fair enough (none / 1) (#66)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:09:05 AM EST

ZOMG WTF ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO LILDEBBIE ROLLOFLETEHS0X0RZ21@!2!

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Murder for hire (3.00 / 3) (#57)
by cdguru on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 10:29:30 PM EST

It is a lot simpler to pay some poor low-life to kill your target. Taking reasonable precautions so the low-life knows nothing about you is much easier than trying to cover up a murder where you are personally involved.

Also, for corpse disposal please review the movie "Red Wind". The killer used a wood chipper - the large, industrial size - to get rid of the bodies of his victims. You get pieces the size of teeth out... oh, and a lot of that "red wind". If your victim really, really pissed you off you can always feed them in while alive. Legs first, of course.

That is not disposing it is spreading (none / 1) (#60)
by coder66 on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:45:26 PM EST

The first investigation would know a murder had taken place there when they took out the black lights and the place lit up like a Christmas tree. Did you drop something? Did you smoke a cigarrette? Have clothing fibers been left at the scene? Eyelashes? Skin cells? Is soil from the scene in your car? What did you do with the chipper? Did someone see you? Did you divert from your normal routine? Is the victim a criminal, former military, or possibly a suspect in a former investigation, then his DNA is probably on file. A murder has been committed. This is obvious with the wood chipper, now you get to worry about the thousands of ways you could be tied to the murder. The point is to conceal the crime; you can't be convicted of murdering someone who is "missing". A wood chipper is the LAST thing you would use to hide a crime.

[ Parent ]
Kill them on a boat; sink the boat (none / 1) (#102)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:42:29 PM EST

As a bonus, the killer may drown.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
Woodchippers (3.00 / 2) (#176)
by katie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 11:00:44 AM EST

There was a guy killed his wife and got rid of the body using a woodchipper. It took ages to convict him because they couldn't prove she was dead.

In the end, forensics trawled the riverside looking for bits of her and found tooth that had made it through the chipper intact. There was enough DNA in it to match her and the guy was convicted.

It features on one of those TV shows about forensic investigators, but I can't recall which one.

I guess the solution is to get rid of the bits somewhere less findable...


[ Parent ]

Where the fuck do you get a wood chipper? (none / 0) (#62)
by uptownpimp on Sun Jul 24, 2005 at 11:46:10 PM EST

god damn stop using the wood chipper.

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[ Parent ]
Fargo (none / 0) (#173)
by Ashura on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 08:44:41 AM EST

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116282/

[ Parent ]
Better idea (3.00 / 3) (#67)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:14:58 AM EST

You think too much. The best way to rid of a decompossing archenemy or prostitute is a big city. In LA only 32 % of all murders lead to a suspect (court tv). I would simply dump it in a dumpster behind a safeway. If you kill off someone with no importance then investigators wont waste time. By the way, your not the only one who thought of the burry a body in the woods scheme, someone will eventually find the body.

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Dumpsters work (3.00 / 3) (#68)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:40:24 AM EST

but not always. You dump a corpse in a dumpster I'd say you'd have a 1 in 4 chance in getting caught. You use my methods, that'll drop to 1 in 20. I guarantee it!

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
this is mostly due to... (3.00 / 2) (#79)
by fenris on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:18:08 AM EST

the fact that there's a one in four chance there'll be some drunk bastard sitting in the bottom of said dumpster when you throw the body in. Then you've got to kill another guy, and that's just making more work for yourself.

The benefit of disposing completely of the remains and equipment is that there's nothing to imply that a crime ever took place.

[ Parent ]
no (none / 0) (#86)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:52:14 AM EST

1 in 4 a body will be found. I say 1 in 100 you'll be convicted.

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[ Parent ]
32%? (none / 0) (#70)
by forgotten on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:46:51 AM EST

I don't like those odds.

--

[ Parent ]

dumbshits (none / 1) (#77)
by bunk on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 05:22:00 AM EST

that 32% includes all the dumbshits, an intelligent person such as yourself has a far lower chance of getting caught


hunger strike + bong hits = super munchies -- horny smurf
[ Parent ]
Quite. (3.00 / 6) (#72)
by chlorus on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:13:27 AM EST

You could have just titled it, "How to clandestinely dispose of a large mammal", but it wouldn't have had the same ring to it.

And really, all of this can be done in the comfort of your own home, in the bathroom no less. You just need an iron stomach, a lot of chemical and a few days. You can do most of your work in the bathtub.

Grind up the teeth. Lift the toilet off the floor and drop very small parts down the hatch and off into the sewer they go. Be very careful about allowing anything to ventilate out of the room.

And of course, tell no one.

Peahippo: Coked-up internet tough guy or creepy pedophile?

There was a serial killer who got caught by this (3.00 / 2) (#101)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:41:07 PM EST

Can't remember the name right now. He was British and his targets were young men. He killed them in order to keep them from leaving, had sex with the corpses and kept them in the parlor for several days. Then he tried to dispose of them down the toilet.  After a few dozen over a period of months, the sewer started to back up.

------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
regular applications of draino (none / 1) (#114)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:17:17 PM EST

oh hell just clorox 'em in the tub.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Dennis Nilsen (3.00 / 3) (#124)
by TheMgt on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:31:44 PM EST

Wikipedia entry

I wonder if the fat content of a human body would block your drain no matter how finely you minced it up ?

[ Parent ]
Alternately, find that (2.33 / 6) (#80)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:19:47 AM EST

attacking their villiage in the dead of winter and leaving the frozen corpses to rot usually absolves you of all evidence through fear of a greater power on the behalf of squirming weaklings.

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.

I did this story once (3.00 / 2) (#85)
by BottleRocket on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:49:33 AM EST

It made this topic into a powerpoint presentation for a technical communication class. It was my final project. Got an 'A' on it!

Don't neglect the watery grave. No one goes dredging through rivers or below piers unless they know what they're looking for. Be sure to use a metal anchor, as the body will swell with gas when it decomposes. Concrete shoes can release the victim if they aren't dry all the way through.

$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
$B R Σ III$

Notes on watery graves (none / 1) (#89)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:43:22 PM EST

The body must be entirely contained in non-biodegradable material.  The problem with the "cement shoes" is that eventually your feet rot off and your granted highly dessicated corpse floats up.

I recommend a cheap mummy bag with some large rocks thrown in.  If you can get proper body bags, bully, but remember to pay in cash.  Just make sure you leave a small opening for gases to vent out.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

Wrap the body (1.00 / 8) (#90)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:45:35 PM EST

in chain link fence. It will sink, keep large pieces intact, and will allow fish to consume.

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[ Parent ]
Ignore this /nt (none / 0) (#92)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:46:36 PM EST



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[ Parent ]
Wrap the body (3.00 / 4) (#91)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:46:03 PM EST

in chain link fence. It will sink, keep large pieces intact, and will allow fish to consume.

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[ Parent ]
what about (none / 0) (#169)
by jamesotron on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 12:38:58 AM EST

that plastic cling wrap they use for wrapping pallets loaded with small boxes and stuff?

wrap them tight with a few rocks and you're set.
I like to make things out of bits
[ Parent ]

No (none / 1) (#177)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 11:10:45 AM EST

the fish dont have access to eat the flesh.

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[ Parent ]
Simpler way (3.00 / 3) (#87)
by actmodern on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:07:24 PM EST

If it's a white chick then dry her body in the sun, grind it up into powder and place it in jars. Go to Pin at the local Chinese Pharmacy and sell him the powder. They consider it an aphrodisiac.


--
LilDebbie challenge: produce the water sports scene from bable or stfu. It does not exist.
Where are you going to dry her out? /nt (none / 1) (#88)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:17:46 PM EST



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[ Parent ]
Balconey (none / 0) (#96)
by actmodern on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:16:21 PM EST

It's the summer. Just leave her out there for a day and use some chemical to speed up the process. Won't matter if it takes a couple of days. It's not like anyone can tell she's dead just by looking at your balconey from the street.


--
LilDebbie challenge: produce the water sports scene from bable or stfu. It does not exist.
[ Parent ]
Someone may wonder (none / 1) (#104)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:44:19 PM EST

why the lifeless white skanky drunk chick hasnt moved all day.

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[ Parent ]
she's tanning (nt) (none / 0) (#112)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:16:27 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Maybe (none / 1) (#122)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:53:12 PM EST

NH is doing the same, under the sea.

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[ Parent ]
File = Uneccesary (3.00 / 3) (#93)
by Noexit on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 12:59:48 PM EST

Just cut off the fingertips at the first knuckle, take them with you and burn them with the other crap you're gonna be burning.* Filing the fingerprints off with a metal file isn't going to work, it'll take forever. If you're still in the mood to erase rather than remove, then use a belt sander or the like. *Remember to dig a fire pit for the materials you'll be burning and cover that over as well.

File is low tech solution (none / 0) (#111)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:15:55 PM EST

I wouldn't recommend a belt sander though, as that'll be a bitch to clean and expensive to burn.

Good note on the fire pit.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

Wire cutters (3.00 / 2) (#118)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:41:38 PM EST

snip tips off.

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[ Parent ]
Burn the paper (none / 0) (#197)
by Noexit on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 12:40:41 PM EST

You should be able to just burn the belt part of the sander (or disc if you get a disc sander) and then just deal with the rest. Since you can buy a cheap ass rechargeable unit at any home supply superstore, the expense should be negligible. Hell, even a Dremel ought to do the job. I do see your point about low tech being good. If it's not a rechargeable sander that you can take with you it's not good.

[ Parent ]
The belt of a belt sander (none / 1) (#199)
by LilDebbie on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 04:11:23 PM EST

goes through the machine. If you're using it on flesh, bits of flesh get mucked up inside the mechanism, and that's a bitch to clean. Similar problem with the disk sander. I can't remember what they're called, but they do make power sanders where it's basically a plate that moves back and forth quickly, which would probably work.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Seems dangerous (none / 0) (#195)
by hershmire on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 11:03:43 AM EST

That would provide CSI a direct link with the murder victim when they investigate a stranger starting a fire in a forest. Those bones don't burn away in a plain ol' fire, you know.
FIXME: Insert quote about procrastination
[ Parent ]
And killing someone in the first place isn't? (none / 0) (#198)
by Noexit on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 12:45:07 PM EST

Besides, we're already burning tools, clothes, and other shit out in the "forest"*.

*desert would be better.

[ Parent ]

forgot step one (2.66 / 6) (#95)
by bankind on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:07:52 PM EST

find skanky drunk chick in Aruba.

"Insurgents are blowing up pipelines and police stations, geysers of sewage are erupting from the streets, and the electricity is off most of the time -- but we've given Iraq the gift of supply-side economics." -Krugman

A white skanky drunk chick in aruba /nt (3.00 / 2) (#103)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:42:50 PM EST



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[ Parent ]
white skanky drunk baptist chick in Aruba <nt (none / 1) (#172)
by bankind on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 06:39:13 AM EST


"Insurgents are blowing up pipelines and police stations, geysers of sewage are erupting from the streets, and the electricity is off most of the time -- but we've given Iraq the gift of supply-side economics." -Krugman
[ Parent ]

You might want to check out (none / 1) (#98)
by elgardo on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:27:30 PM EST

The article on the same subject in a 1998 issue of Capital of Nasty.
http://www.capnasty.org/issues/3/10/579?cid=4262


Bad idea (1.00 / 2) (#105)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:46:12 PM EST

boats cost too much and its just stupid. You'll be caught for sure.

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OOOOOOOPPPPs (none / 0) (#107)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:47:18 PM EST

this is a reply to the boat comment below.

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[ Parent ]
What about burying in a cemetary? (2.75 / 4) (#108)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:48:14 PM EST

Reverse grave robbery... dig up a grave, preferably a rather old one, shove your corpse in next to the existing one, rebury. You might have to cart away some dirt.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
OMG (none / 1) (#109)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 01:52:31 PM EST

how stupid can you be? That would require getting away with breaking into a cemetary, staying long enough to digging up a body, recovering the grave, and discarding the other body. It looks strange when a 20 yr old grave looks rather freshly dug.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
not to mention (3.00 / 3) (#110)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:13:59 PM EST

most cemetaries have regular security patrols to look for goth kids getting it on in sepulchres.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
What? (none / 1) (#113)
by JVincent on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:16:41 PM EST

Necrofiles do that all the time. It's not like cemetarys are crowded at night(Unless there's a necrofile). And they spend way more time with the corpse then it would take you to dump in a new one.

[ Parent ]
NecroPHiles (3.00 / 2) (#115)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:19:18 PM EST

usually hit funeral homes. Grave robbing is very difficult nowadays given the security at most cemetaries. One of the larger one's in my area has armed guards making hourly rounds. Kind of a creepy job.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Nah (3.00 / 4) (#130)
by Sgt York on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:02:01 PM EST

Those aren't for necrophiles, it's for the zombies.

Which raises a small critique of your proposal. You have failed to describe any measures for protection in regard to retatliation from beyond the grave. Sure, the lack of teeth would make it more difficult for the zombified victim to seek a combination of sweet revenge and savory neural tissue, but it's sure as hell not going to stop him. Simply poking out the eyes is not enough; as we all know, zombies crave the scent.

I suggest modify this to account for this all-important threat. Perhaps include a second, smaller grave a few yards away for the severed head.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

Everyone already (none / 0) (#131)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:09:47 PM EST

knows that zombies couldn't be avoided or stopped.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
Harumph (none / 1) (#133)
by Sgt York on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:16:08 PM EST

It is precisely this kind of defeatist attitude that will lead to your gruesome demise at the hands of the undead horde.

Don't worry. When you come to my compound, seeking the succulent brains of myself and my harem, I will place a round in your maggot infested spine, right at the atlas, as you burn in our undead traps scattered in te countryside. Who knows? Maybe the undead suffer, too.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

Harem huh? /nt (none / 0) (#134)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:18:18 PM EST



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[ Parent ]
Yeah, baby (none / 0) (#136)
by Sgt York on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:29:17 PM EST

Gotta repopulate, right? One woman and forty guys, in a year you have one kid. One man and forty women, in one year you can have forty kids.

I'll let Fen tag along, too. Can't have a harem without eunuchs, right?

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

Can I (none / 0) (#138)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:30:18 PM EST

come to your compound if I bring my mother?

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[ Parent ]
Maybe. (none / 0) (#141)
by Sgt York on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:37:48 PM EST

She's not post meno, is she? Even then, she'd be good as like a grandmother figure....

And bring your sisters, too. If you don't have any sisters, then you're mom's not fertile enough for my harem. Only high-throughput uteruses in my compund.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

This is the best (none / 1) (#143)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:40:45 PM EST

vagina ever. Its full of bread mold and ping pong balls.

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[ Parent ]
Gotcha! (none / 0) (#147)
by Sgt York on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:47:39 PM EST

Mold? Sounds like an undead infiltrator to me!

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

Damn (none / 0) (#150)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:49:22 PM EST

My plan to infect your harem failed again!

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[ Parent ]
In that case (3.00 / 3) (#139)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:35:38 PM EST

use the hammer to obliterate the brain pan. You may want to collect the grey matter and burn it too. Although, I must admit, I am only a zombie enthusiast and hardly an expert in such matters.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
How long (none / 0) (#117)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:40:47 PM EST

do you think it will take you to dig up a grave with hand tools?

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[ Parent ]
About four hours (2.50 / 2) (#126)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:42:59 PM EST

providing it isn't particularly compacted or tough earth. This is why you do it before hand, in case you hit clay or shit and it takes forever.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Bodies are buried 5-7 feet deep. (none / 1) (#155)
by ksandstr on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 06:16:44 PM EST

Whereas your typical shallow thirty-minute grave is less than three feet deep. This points to a solution where you dig a shallow grave on top of a relatively fresh grave in a graveyard, dump the recently deceased in and then fill it up. No need to go around touching really old meat, no sign of an old grave that has been disturbed recently. (Presumably the people who water the flowers and do other gardening-type things around there would tend to notice.)

Around here your typical grave lease is paid for 25 years a pop. Given that you picked your spot carefully (right?), the extra corpse will be long decayed beyond simple recognition by the time the caretakers come and empty the grave before leasing it out again. Besides, in 25 years there'll have been a bunch more disappearances, making identification that much unlikelier.

Fin.
[ Parent ]

Vault (3.00 / 2) (#158)
by Xptic on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 07:35:17 PM EST

Caskets are inside an in-ground vault.  The vault, among other things, is used to keep the dirt from sinking as the body decomposes.

So, you dig down 3 feet.  You place an additional body.  You cover it up.

Your first problem will be the vault itself.  Most vault covers are not that far down.  If the casket bottom is 5 feet, then the top of the casket if at 3 feet.  The vault is a foot above that.  Anywhere between 24 and 36 inches, you'll hit the vault cover.  You *won't* lift the cover without a crane.

Now you thrown in your body.  It's 36 inches down.  You cover it.  Now you have too much dirt.  The soft mound that existed before is now a big pile.  People will notice.  Groundskeepers get parinoid about that shit.  You'll have to carry dirt with you when you leave.

Now, for some reason, your body spends some time there.  It isn't that far down.  It decomposes.  It smells.  Gasses vent.  Most loved ones will visit a lot in the first few months.  They'll notice and complain.

Finally, let's say you got lucky and no one came to visit and no dogs dug up the grave.  Your body rots.  The ground begins to sink.  It leaves a depression.  Agian, the groundskeepers tend to take notice at this shit.

All in all, a graveyard is a pretty shitty place to get rid of a body.

[ Parent ]

Damn (none / 1) (#175)
by ksandstr on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 10:34:18 AM EST

It seemed like such a bright idea at first. Then again, the fact that graveyards are surprisingly well guarded kind of puts the anonymous shallow hole in the woods at the top again.

[ Parent ]
going ot have to disagree (none / 0) (#222)
by guinpen on Fri Jul 29, 2005 at 03:37:13 AM EST

I'm going to have to disagree on graveyards being well-guarded. On a particularly mischevious night my friend was driving, I was with him, and we drove into, and THROUGH a graveyard hardly missing headstones and nothing happened.

[ Parent ]
What about (none / 1) (#119)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:43:39 PM EST

tatoos and scars? How many scars would you have to remove? just the big ones?

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My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
Yeah (none / 0) (#125)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:41:25 PM EST

Small scars can only be used to identify a body if the police already have some idea who that person is.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Well chances are (none / 0) (#127)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:43:42 PM EST

if the body was found within a month the police should have some idea who it could be. They would call people to come to identify it. Do you know how long flesh takes to decay? If you left it uncovered it may be gone in a week. Then simply come back and bury bones.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
The quicklime (3.00 / 3) (#128)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:47:46 PM EST

makes it hard to identify by sight after about a week. Leaving it uncovered is a very bad idea. Unless you have a lot of large scavengers in your area, the body will sit there largely intact for a long time. The FBI actually has a research facility where they leave corpses out in the open in various positions, states of burial, etc. and have found that bodies survive a lot longer than you'd expect. Plus, the smell makes it so anyone within a few hundred yards will likely notice and investigate.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
maybe NH is too (1.50 / 2) (#120)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:47:47 PM EST

under the sea.

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
I keep fucking (none / 0) (#121)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 02:52:38 PM EST

clicking add comment instead of reply to this.

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
[ Parent ]
Are you drunk? (none / 0) (#137)
by jandev on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:29:35 PM EST

Inquiring minds want to know.


"ENGINEERS" IS NOT POSSESSIVE. IT'S A PLURAL. YOU DO NOT MOTHERFUCKING MARK A PLURAL WITH A COCKSUCKING APOSTROPHE. APOSTROPHES ARE FOR MARKING POSSESSIVES IN THIS CASE. IF YOU WEREN'T A TOTAL MORON, YOU WOULD BE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE "THE CIVIL ENGINEER'S SMALL PENIS". SEE THAT APOSTROPHE? IT'S A HAPPY APOSTROPHE. IT'S NOT BEING ABUSED BY SOME GODDAMN SHIT-FOR-BRAINS IDIOT WITH NO EDUCATION. - Nimey
[ Parent ]

Hungover (none / 0) (#142)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:39:19 PM EST



=========================
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[ Parent ]
Whats the best chemical way (3.00 / 3) (#129)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 03:50:23 PM EST

to eat away the flesh?

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Best (3.00 / 2) (#140)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:37:43 PM EST

is carbocylic acid, but that's dangerous and difficult to acquire. Your best bet is either muriatic acid or lye, both of which can be obtained at hardware stores. Do remember not to buy too much at one store though, or else you may put up a DEA flag and they might come snooping around.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Whats (none / 0) (#145)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:42:46 PM EST

left after muriadic acid's done its work?

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[ Parent ]
water, brittle bones, teeth and organic sludge (none / 0) (#146)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:47:03 PM EST

biodegradeble and environmentally friendly! use it to fertilize your garden. the teeth are a bit of a bitch to grind up, but the bones go easily.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Will it go with (none / 1) (#148)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:48:36 PM EST

a bottle of congiac?

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
[ Parent ]
ror (nt) (none / 0) (#149)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:49:20 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
ha, 'corpse detection made easy' it is (3.00 / 5) (#156)
by Polverone on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 06:32:03 PM EST

First the quicklime comment and then this. I begin to think that you are some ivory tower daydreaming lah-dee-dah academic theorist of corpse disposal who has never bothered with experimental results. Well let me tell you: when I was a wee lad, bones and meat scraps and household chemicals were the best entertainment around.

Now to correct your theory with the hammer of empiricism:

Flesh is attacked only at a modest pace by hydrochloric (muriatic) acid. Bones are reduced to jelly-like material, not made brittle (test with chicken if you doubt). The sludge remaining from an acid digestion of flesh and bone cannot be used as fertilizer. It will instantly kill plants with its low pH. Even if neutralized, its high chloride content will be deadly to most terrestrial plants.

Acid-weakened teeth, perhaps even fresh teeth, can easily be reduced to coarse powder with a blender and then flushed down the toilet. Or they can just be flushed down the toilet.

Lye is a more effective flesh-destroyer than muriatic acid. Cubes of steak left in strong lye solution overnight turned into cubes of bright red jelly with a faint disgusting odor. You could poke through them with a straw. But they were such a think jelly that I would hesitate to attempt flushing them without first vigorously blending them with water.

Really, apartment corpse disposal is a very tricky business and has no place in a "made simple" article. As a starting point for advanced practitioners, I would suggest that sacks of rock salt and calcium chloride (ice melting granules) may be used to dessicate the body or its pieces so it can be disposed of at a manageable pace without decomposition odors alerting the neighbors. But forensically useful traces are so persistent that I suggest the apartment should be burned down with  a plausible accident like a kitchen grease fire once the corpse is gone, otherwise you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.
--
It's not a just, good idea; it's the law.
[ Parent ]

What was wrong with the quicklime comment? (none / 0) (#157)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 07:07:30 PM EST

And note that apartment disposal was never a focus in the article; it came up as a question that I tried to answer to the best of my knowledge which appears only to be wrong in that it will destroy his garden.  Nevertheless, I bow to your superior knowledge of chemical-based disposal.

Man, sounds like you had fun as a kid.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

quicklime and such (3.00 / 3) (#159)
by Polverone on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 07:52:31 PM EST

As I mentioned in the other comment, you say that there's no such thing as too much quicklime, whereas in reality too much quicklime will leave you with a decay-resistant mummified body, and you want nature to take its course ASAP in decomposing the body. Speaking of which, perhaps quicklime would make a good preservative for apartment corpse storage. If you'd like to brush up on your corpse-related knowledge, go to a university and read the back issues of Forensic Science International; there's also at least one large criminal forensics mailing list that anyone can subscribe to. It's fascinating stuff if you've ever enjoyed CSI (which the list members regularly spend their time mocking).

But back to quicklime. There's another practical problem: where do you get your quicklime? It's not as commonly sold to the public as it used to be. I can't find it at any of the big home improvement chains or even smaller hardware stores. I could special order it but that leaves more of a trail than you'd like to see in a guide such as this.

I did have fun as a kid. I first started reading about chemistry and doing simple home experiments in the 1st grade. By the 3rd grade I did chemical demonstrations for Show and Tell and spent many a lazy afternoon making and testing pyrotechnics at home; it made me very popular with the other boys in the neighborhood. 15 years later, chemistry is still great fun, better funded than when I was a kid but more cramped for space because I have an apartment within the city limits.
--
It's not a just, good idea; it's the law.
[ Parent ]

Finally! (none / 0) (#223)
by destroy all monsters on Fri Jul 29, 2005 at 08:40:40 PM EST

a real use for this: http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/magic_bullet.html?gid=

"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]
Not chemical (none / 1) (#154)
by TheMgt on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 05:32:18 PM EST

Something like this would be ideal, eliminating all that tedious fingertip and teeth removal.

[ Parent ]
Kill Women (1.50 / 14) (#151)
by Xptic on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:50:07 PM EST

If you are going to go out of your way to kill a stranger, it should be a woman.  That way, you can rape and/or sodomize her before or after the murder.

Picking the right woman will be kinda hard.  You definately don't want a woman with kids.  Too loose to get rocks off properly.  Although, if you are into object rape, the streched opening can really take some big stuff without tearing.

A virgin would be a bad choice too.  They probably won't move right when you start and will get you all bloddy.  If you insist on a virgin, might as well get a young one.  After all, if you are caught, what's a little molestation charge on top of the murder rap.  14 to 16 would probably be the best bet for virgins.

Really what you are looking for is a newlywed couple.  Maybe up to the 4-month point.  She'll be fully primed for pumping and will move with you if for nothing else than to avoid the pain.  She'll probably have nice undies on which can be an added bonus.

To make it even sweeter, her hubby will be devistated for life.  It's like destroying two lives for the price of one.

Or just kill the hubby too.  Disable him first so that he can witness the raping.  Maybe blind him or break his arms and legs.  Cut his trousers open so she can see him get hard as he hears her being penetrated.

You can probably make her cum.  Her body's reaction is completely seperate from her heart's intentions.  With the right motion and attention to detail, she'll die feeling she's betrayed her true love by spending the last minutes of her life orgasming on another man's love tool.

Now the sticky part: disposal.  You can't get rid of her right away.  Your evidince is all inside her.  You need to give her body time to rid itself of your seed.  Maybe a week or so.  Break her jaw and then tape it shut to keep her quiet if noise is a problem.  The hard part will be to keep from raping her agian and agian.

If she gets pregnant, best to rent a boat and send her to the bottom.  Cut her into small peices and spread the love.  Synthetic pillowcases weighted with rocks and secured with wire are perfect for disposing of body parts.

You also need lots of practice.

Practice killing animals often.  Buy a cat.  Keep it for a few weeks.  Feed it and love it.  Then kill it.  Record your heartrate after.  Keep doing that till you can kill an animal you have kept for a few months with no reaction.  Try torturing it first.  If you get excited, you will make a mistake.  Use the corpses for disposal training.

Also get some larger animals.  Big dogs and the like.  Cut them up to see how long it takes and what tools you need.  Practice dislocating joints and cutting them free.  It's a lot easier than trying to hack through a femur.

Talk to women a lot.  Everywhere.  Any woman you see, talk to her.  Tell her intimate things.  Just tell a mom in the supermarket what a nice ass she has.  Tell the girl in the checkout line how nice her hair smells.  Ask her about her perfume.  Randomly tell a mom you'd like to jack off on her tits while her husband pumps her wet cunt.

Once you can do that without too much adreneline, go further.  Ask women in random places for sex.  Try touching women in public.  You want to be able to seize the moment without any rush.  If you are high on adreneline, you will make a mistake.

Make sure your practice is far away.  Seperating it by several years would be nice.  Wear a disguise.

Very few people start on murder, so try some petty crime first.  Go for low-risk stuff like car theft and/or rob a convenience store.  Maybe pickpocket or assault someone.

Remember that there is a balance between getting away and not.  You need practice, but too much petty crime will get you caught.  Then you are fucked for getting away with murder.  But without the practice, you'll hesitate at the moment of truth or make a mistake.

There (none / 0) (#152)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 04:53:54 PM EST

is no virgins these days. You want a newlywed with kids, fuck up a whole family.

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
[ Parent ]
Virgins (none / 0) (#153)
by Xptic on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 05:18:15 PM EST

I'd suspect that your odds of getting a young virgin are better than 50/50.  Past 16 or so, forget about it.

However, the odds that a girl <19 has tried anal are definately in your favor.

[ Parent ]

open question to all K5 editors/moderators (2.66 / 6) (#167)
by ccdotnet on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:36:56 PM EST

With regards the post to which post is a reply.

Q: Do you draw the line anywhere? Or is there no line at all - it is really anything goes?

This thread (now 160+ comments) is sectioned under "Science", not "Humour" (not even "Bad Taste").

Is anything acceptable? Is this really what you want Google indexing?

[ Parent ]

Stop (3.00 / 5) (#168)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:39:38 PM EST

acting like a dick about the rules of communication and just communicate. Assclown.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
Provided it doesn't break any laws (3.00 / 2) (#179)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 12:12:46 PM EST

which this doesn't, and you don't piss off rusty or one of the editors, it goes. Did you see the excellent piece on Natalee Halloway?

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
I started off giggling (none / 1) (#171)
by HollyHopDrive on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 06:36:19 AM EST

but in the end it was just too long. If you're going to go for the black, tasteless and crassness (and I'm not saying you can't), you gotta learn when to stop.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Sadly enough... (none / 1) (#201)
by BlahFace on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:36:03 AM EST

...I don't know whether you're being serious or not.

[ Parent ]
Kill Women (none / 1) (#205)
by fedup36 on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 12:45:42 PM EST

You are a sick bastard. I feel sorry for your wife. God forgive you if you have children. And have mery on you if you have any little girls. I pray that no sick fucker approaches them in the grocery store. Maybe if we (Women) are lucky some big gay man will rape you, break your jaw and keep fucking you. Oh, wait a minute I would rather him make YOU give him head with YOUR shit on his dick. He would probably not be so lucky your ass is already probably already loose because you've already been fucked up the ass plenty of times. As long as I could watch and him make you suffer I could get off. Then I would kill you. Stay away from women you sicko.

[ Parent ]
Criminal Mind (none / 0) (#214)
by Xptic on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 02:56:00 PM EST

Just pretending that everything is all roses does not make it so.  Bad shit happens to good people all the time.  Pretending it does not isn't helping anyone.


[ Parent ]
Funny (none / 1) (#227)
by brownhoney on Sun Jul 31, 2005 at 02:04:35 PM EST

Sombody watches to much TV. Man you would be caught in a second. It is to funny. I bet you got off just writing it. Why don't you show it to your daughter if you have family at all.

[ Parent ]
My personal preference (none / 1) (#161)
by cburke on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 08:14:48 PM EST

is to burke my victim.  Suffocate them -- a method that combines ease, stealth, and cleanliness in good measure -- and sell their corpse to a hospital who will do the job of disposal for you.

The downside is that you have someone else (the hospital you sell the corpse to) aware of the crime, though they obviously have an incentive to avoid close scrutiny.  It is vital that they don't know who you are.  Standard criminal exchange tactics (a la ransoms) apply.  

The upside is that you don't have to deal with most of the disposal issues yourself (adult diaper still recommended), and more to the point you can make some bank this way.

Strangulation leaves obvious signs (none / 1) (#192)
by coder66 on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 10:02:04 PM EST

Even if you don't bruise your victim, anyone with any knowledge can tell that the victim was strangled. It tends to cause annoying petechial hemmorrhaging.

[ Parent ]
Why bother with disposing of the corpse? (3.00 / 2) (#162)
by godix on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 09:14:19 PM EST

The various methods of destorying a body are clumsy, time consuming, and in some cases just don't work well. Instead just store the body in an easily located place, like for example the trunk of someones car who hated the asshole you killed. If you want style points, cut off the head and use it as a hood ornament on their car. Sure, the cops will find it easy enough, but what are the odds they'll quite investigating the guy who owns the car long enough to trace it back to you? If you follow basic precautions, wear gloves and the like, and you'll be home free and laughing at the prick who's jailed in your place.


- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
Stupid (none / 0) (#164)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 10:52:18 PM EST

because you'll eventually be caught.

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[ Parent ]
I doubt it (3.00 / 2) (#188)
by godix on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 07:28:05 PM EST

I haven't been caught yet.

BTW: What's your license plate number?


- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]

EATME666 /nt (none / 0) (#190)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 09:53:04 PM EST



=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
[ Parent ]
Im bored. (3.00 / 2) (#166)
by uptownpimp on Mon Jul 25, 2005 at 11:28:31 PM EST

eat the body?

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
Best of luck with that (none / 0) (#178)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 12:06:21 PM EST

150+ lbs is a lot of meat. That and you still have the bones and inedible bits to dispose of.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Well (3.00 / 2) (#180)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 12:56:15 PM EST

I'm killing redqueen so 300 + pounds of meat.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
heads up (none / 0) (#182)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 01:09:07 PM EST

your comment could be construed as a terroristic threat. you might wish to add a caveat.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
No further (none / 0) (#183)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 02:22:59 PM EST

explanation needed. I'm going to kill and eat redqueen.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
don't say I didn't warn you (none / 1) (#184)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 02:28:46 PM EST

of course, redqueen is probably one of your dupe accounts, rmg.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
My alter-ego /nt (none / 0) (#185)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 02:30:19 PM EST



=========================
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[ Parent ]
Beware of any man that owns a pig farm. $ (none / 0) (#200)
by skyknight on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 07:20:39 PM EST



It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
Fir Trees... (3.00 / 2) (#181)
by NSWB on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 01:08:03 PM EST

After a storm, go out in the forest and find a big fir tree that's been up-ended.
Place body in the center of the hole.
Use your handy Stihl or Husqvarna chainsaw to cut the tree off at the base.
The root-wad will then fall back into place, conveniently covering the body.
Who will ever think of looking directly under a stump?

It could work untill (none / 0) (#186)
by uptownpimp on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 02:36:51 PM EST

the tree falls over again.

=========================
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[ Parent ]
or the forest service pulls the stump (nt) (none / 1) (#187)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 04:37:14 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
The google ads.. (3.00 / 6) (#189)
by Suppafly on Tue Jul 26, 2005 at 08:12:36 PM EST

for tarps and absorbant wipes are hilarious.
---
Playstation Sucks.
"Pile leaves and shit around the mound" (3.00 / 2) (#193)
by horny smurf on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 02:16:46 AM EST

I understand the idea behind shitting (or pissing) on someone's grave, but that seems inappropriate in this case.

Fucking amateurs (none / 1) (#194)
by mirleid on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 03:56:28 AM EST

Just take the ultimate training course

Chickens don't give milk
You forgot Rule #1... (3.00 / 2) (#196)
by ckaminski on Wed Jul 27, 2005 at 12:12:42 PM EST

have an AIRTIGHT alibi...  with about 20 people who can positively identify you, and place you "Somewhere Else" at the time of death.  Just in case.  And don't be seen with the victim at any point during that day, preferably that week, and don't call them from a phone traceable to you.

Other than that, +1FP.

"So what if six people saw me kill him? (none / 1) (#203)
by HollyHopDrive on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 11:09:49 AM EST

I can show you thousands who didn't!"


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

All this work just to get away with murder? (3.00 / 3) (#202)
by Fredrick Doulton on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 03:07:47 AM EST

Really, you put way too much thought into this. A simple cremation would have sufficed.

+1 FP anyway, because it will be funny to hear about the feds knocking down your door when the next rich white girl goes missing.

Bush/Cheney 2004! - "Because we've still got more people to kill"

err (none / 1) (#216)
by LilDebbie on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 03:17:10 PM EST

how do you propose to accomplish a "simple cremation"?

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Burn down the house. (none / 1) (#217)
by rpresser on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 11:00:37 PM EST

With yourself in it.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
I like where hes going.... (none / 0) (#221)
by uptownpimp on Fri Jul 29, 2005 at 12:32:09 AM EST

Kill yourself.

=========================
My name is actmodern and I approve of this message.
[ Parent ]
Fire is your friend. (none / 0) (#229)
by Fredrick Doulton on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 08:18:35 PM EST

Cavemen used fire, and so should you.

Bush/Cheney 2004! - "Because we've still got more people to kill"
[ Parent ]

Maybe no one told you (none / 1) (#230)
by LilDebbie on Sat Aug 27, 2005 at 11:56:53 AM EST

but burning corpses stink. You can smell that shit for miles.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
You're not doing it right. (none / 1) (#231)
by Fredrick Doulton on Mon Aug 29, 2005 at 01:27:03 PM EST

Believe me, I've defended enough people who have gotten away with this sort of thing.

While I think jacking a crematorium for the evening is your best bet if you want the act to be clean as a whistle, real killers prefer to take the easy route and make it look like an accident by torching the body in a vehicle or something of the sort. In the end, it's not really how you get rid of the body. It's all about presentation and believability of how that person died.

Bush/Cheney 2004! - "Because we've still got more people to kill"
[ Parent ]

I still think (none / 0) (#232)
by LilDebbie on Tue Aug 30, 2005 at 07:09:19 PM EST

it's more important that no one knows the person died in the first place.

Sure, getting away with it once with a good lawyer, np, but some people might like to make a hobby of it.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

K5 hijacked (1.00 / 5) (#204)
by mindpixel on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 12:15:57 PM EST

My God, this place has literally gone to hell. Your mind, lildebbie, such that it is, has spent far too much time in very unsaviory neighborhoods of thought and the trolls here voted your offensive drool to publication.

I could not have predicted that K5 would so degenerate. A few years ago, it looked quite promising.

Something is wrong here with the voting system and it needs to be fixed.

It's my 6-fold brain (3.00 / 3) (#206)
by LilDebbie on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 12:52:36 PM EST

I missing that critical seventh fold.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Anonymity on K5 needs to end (1.50 / 4) (#208)
by mindpixel on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:45:19 PM EST

I suspect your brain is normal if somewhat reptilian, it is just that you need you anonymity stripped so that you behave more like a real human being rather than a snake.

I'm working on it. When I figure out who you are, you can bet you'll regret writing this dreadful peice of pure crap.

[ Parent ]

If you haven't figured out who I am yet (none / 1) (#209)
by LilDebbie on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:53:45 PM EST

YFI

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Just started looking five minutes ago... (1.50 / 8) (#211)
by mindpixel on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:59:30 PM EST

You have a University of Minnesota page, so I'll start there with a formal complaint to the University, as well as a complaint to the Minneapolis/St. Paul police with a copy of what you have written here. You are obviously a dangerous person and the police need to be aware of you and waht is passing in your head.

[ Parent ]
Get in line (none / 1) (#212)
by LilDebbie on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 02:17:58 PM EST

sistah

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Orwell or PKD? /nt (none / 1) (#213)
by Ignore Amos on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 02:26:34 PM EST


And that explains why airplanes carry cargo on small boats floating in their cargo aquarium. - jmzero
[ Parent ]

Sir, (3.00 / 2) (#219)
by Kurosawa Nagaya on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 11:24:28 PM EST

You lose, give up and get back to that high school science fair you're supposed to be judging.

The reason for this is simple: we're all full of shit ~ circletimessquare
[ Parent ]

Dear Chris, (none / 1) (#233)
by Spendocrat on Sun Sep 11, 2005 at 11:56:27 PM EST

Just so you know, the denizens of wpg.general are looking for you.

[ Parent ]
Rusty, you have the power ... (3.00 / 2) (#207)
by Ignore Amos on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:14:47 PM EST

... why do you not fix this place? You are laible if LilDebbie chops someone into timy peices.

And that explains why airplanes carry cargo on small boats floating in their cargo aquarium. - jmzero
[ Parent ]

suck on my rorripop nt (none / 1) (#210)
by LilDebbie on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 01:54:24 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
mindpixel: STFU (3.00 / 3) (#215)
by alexboko on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 02:58:33 PM EST

K5 trolls are bad enough, but at least they know they're full of it and are occasionally funny.


Godwin's Law of video games: if a company is out of ideas for a long enough period, they will eventually publish another World War II shooter.
Thief! (none / 0) (#220)
by codejack on Thu Jul 28, 2005 at 11:33:51 PM EST

This is a total ripoff of my Dirt! story. You could have at least given me a link!


Please read before posting.

There's nothing to see there son /nt (none / 0) (#224)
by destroy all monsters on Fri Jul 29, 2005 at 08:41:28 PM EST



"My opinion: You're gay, a troll, a gay troll, or in serious need of antidepressants." - horny smurf to Lemon Juice
[ Parent ]
Zonk! (none / 1) (#225)
by psychologist on Sat Jul 30, 2005 at 06:15:11 AM EST

If you use a car at the murder scene, you will be found. In a given city, there are only so many of a certain type of car. Your tire treads will give away your likely car model. If you are in any way connected to the victim, you will be found.

Also, NEVER ever bury your victim whole. For some reason, there are ALWAYS people who notice someone burying something. You should always disolve the victim. This has the advantage that if the body is not found, you cannot be caught. However, be very careful as to the quantities of acid you buy, that can also be traced.

Never shoot your victim. Always use a strong sleeping pill, and finish it up by choking the person to death with a plastic bag. Remember, there are ALWAYS particles from your body in her bag/shoes/clothes, so you do no throw those away. You also have to dissolve them, then put them in a garbage bag.

Also remember this: You will NOT be able to cut your victim in any way. It may seem like a nice thought now, but you will be UNABLE to pull the teeth with a wrench, or use a saw to cut open the victim. So do not expect to be able to do this.

Do not buy a gun. A person who buys a gun is a person with a secret.

Never arrange to meet the person somewhere. Odds are that she will tell someone. Ideally, you have to stumble across the person in town. You have to make sure that there is nobody around when you do this. This is the most difficult part, but I'll give you one hint: Bicycles.

Car treads don't matter (none / 1) (#226)
by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 30, 2005 at 03:02:00 PM EST

so long as there is no investigation.

People will not see you bury something if there's no one around.  I suggest you drive a few miles further away from the city for your dump site, dumbass.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

By... (none / 0) (#228)
by BJH on Fri Aug 12, 2005 at 05:39:28 AM EST

...this:

You will NOT be able to cut your victim in any way. It may seem like a nice thought now, but you will be UNABLE to pull the teeth with a wrench, or use a saw to cut open the victim. So do not expect to be able to do this.

...do you mean you will not be able to do it because it's physically difficult, because you will be disturbed by the idea, or because you will not have the time?

--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]

Corpse Disposal Made Simple | 235 comments (215 topical, 20 editorial, 0 hidden)
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