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Colonoscopy Report

By Misterfixit in Science
Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 09:01:25 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

I hope this article should help people over the age of 50 to make the wise decision to obtain a colonoscopy test. Early detection of colon cancer is a "good idea".


Hello Friends! I thought I would give you a complete Colonoscopy Report. I had a regular physical appointment some months back and the Doctor noted I have never had a Colonoscopy. He said at age 61 I ought to have one. Especially since I have a documented extensive exposure to Agent Orange over in "veet-nam". I went on a liquid clear diet 48 hours in advance. I called and found out that "carbonated beverages" and Popsicles are OK. Beer is a carbonated beverage, need I say more?

I received the instructions and a large gallon jug by mail. The jug was a powder used as a clean-out solution. I started two days ahead of the appointment. The clean-out solution doesn't actually taste like anything -- it is mixed it with water in the jug and then refrigerated. I drank a glass of it every 10 minutes, took a couple slugs of Budweiser and then went to sit on the throne.

By the evening prior to the 0930 appointment I was completely cleaned out and nothing but a clear liquid was passed.

I arrived at the Nashville VAMC (Veterans Affairs Medical Center) at 0830 accompanied by my aide'd'camp, the driver, and the usual security operatives who cleared the parking garage of any alien life forms who may have been lurking to take me back for retraining.

The GI clinic waiting area was relatively quiet for the VA, with only three TV sets turned on; one with the Springer Show featuring strange people shouting and hitting, one with some reality show of wheelchair-confined lesbians playing freeway chicken with gay truckers, and the last channel set to the local country music channel where men wearing large hats crooned about lost loves and various injustices suffered at the hands of gals with big hair-dos. Unlike the VA emergency room, there were no screams of the injured, no gargling guttural death rattles, no speaking in tongues by unmedicated bi-polars and skitzos, no leaking colostomy bags with gurney pushers slipping, sliding and cursing as they glissando through the noisome messes.

As a "service connected - combat rated disabled veteran" I get almost free medical care, so I am not complaining.

The appointment was for 0930 and at 0933 a nurse came forth and called in a stentorian voice, Mr. Mann"—yikes! my name.

She had my aide'd'camp sign and attest that he would be attending and remain in the exam waiting area. She then took me to the exam room.

The examining doctor was a Vanderbilt University Medical School professor, who was accompanied by a couple of students from the medical school. The other MD was the chief of the GI department at the VAMC. Pretty high class help for some old broke-down soldier.

The doctor and nurse came in and bid me to disrobe and put on the usual gown. After I laid on the table the doctor explained who he was, the procedure and that there might be an amnesic effect from the sedative.

The nurse placed a large needle into my right armpit, first saying "this may sting a bit" (it did), and an oxygen cannula mechanism in my nostrils. She explained that anytime a sedative is administered, oxygen is also given.

The doctor complimented me on the fact that I had a person very close to me presumably at home write my name and social security number using a magic marker on my buttocks and a note "Please Be Gentle With Me". They all had a good laugh and said, "well that isn't the first time we've seen that, but it's usually a tattoo". I exclaimed, "... at least you won't find an gerbils up there".

That caused a great conversation amongst the Medical Students about the South Park episode where bowel traveling gerbils were featured.

By that time the ever-suffering nurse said, "Now Mister Mann, here comes the sedative" ... I went out like a light—praying that I wouldn't die on the operating table with eight feet of fiber optics up the old Hershey Highway.

The procedure took about 20 minutes according to my staff members remaining in the waiting room. I don't remember putting my clothes back on or the unplanned and unfortunate incident with the large window overlooking the Vanderbilt University Quadrangle's lunch area filled with astonished students, nor anything actually, until getting into the car and emitting some explosive and expansive salutations.

Somewhat similar in effect to a gigantic "whoopee" cushion designed by the special effects crew of the old "B" movie "Land of the Giants". Recovery has taken about 24 hours. I had a lot of cramping and medium pain due to the fact that they took several biopsies. Flatulence continued for about 12 hours, mostly very noisy but interestingly, without the usual horrific stench which I usually emit.

Note for conspiracy theorists: No evidence of any Space Alien Probes were discovered.

If you are over 50 please have your colon examined and don't worry about the side effects.

Cheers,

Dave

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Colonoscopy Report | 55 comments (38 topical, 17 editorial, 0 hidden)
oogley formatting!= (1.00 / 6) (#1)
by loffloff on Sun Jul 31, 2005 at 06:58:56 PM EST

fewer <p>s, more <br>s plz!

or even better (none / 0) (#2)
by loffloff on Sun Jul 31, 2005 at 07:04:15 PM EST

get rid of the <b>s and <p>s and make some actual paragraphs! and then separate them by <p>s!

oooogley!

[ Parent ]

omg yuo fixed it!!!! /nt (none / 0) (#8)
by loffloff on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:08:48 AM EST



[ Parent ]
So you got bored eh (nt) (none / 0) (#10)
by Kurosawa Nagaya on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:20:18 AM EST


The reason for this is simple: we're all full of shit ~ circletimessquare
[ Parent ]

what do you mean? /nt (none / 1) (#11)
by loffloff on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:43:16 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Of just rating (none / 0) (#13)
by Kurosawa Nagaya on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:53:10 AM EST

Those accounts inevitably get boring.

Even dr duck posted a few comments... and a diary.

The reason for this is simple: we're all full of shit ~ circletimessquare
[ Parent ]

whoops (none / 0) (#14)
by Kurosawa Nagaya on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 03:02:33 AM EST

Wrong duck.

Theres just so many of them.

The reason for this is simple: we're all full of shit ~ circletimessquare
[ Parent ]

DUCKS RULE! (3.00 / 3) (#15)
by GRAVEYARD DUCK on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 03:09:10 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Nihil est-- (none / 1) (#3)
by wobblywizard on Sun Jul 31, 2005 at 07:42:16 PM EST

in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui!

--
You never win an argument with anyone who fucks you or signs your paychecks. I just smile, bite my lip and sip my drink. --Philalawyer

Ave Scribus Fiat Lux! (none / 0) (#32)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:12:30 PM EST

Something about in life the most important thing is to salute the king?  Or maybe my ego is king?

I may have had 4 years of High School latin but that was a long time ago and they don't even teach Latin in Tennessee schools anymore.

Pace

Dave

[ Parent ]

That is nothing-- (none / 0) (#35)
by wobblywizard on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 03:19:58 PM EST

in my former life I was a Roman emperor!

--
You never win an argument with anyone who fucks you or signs your paychecks. I just smile, bite my lip and sip my drink. --Philalawyer
[ Parent ]

Ave Imperator! (none / 0) (#42)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 10:47:38 PM EST

Ave! et in varii hoc signat vinceruum?

[ Parent ]
If this is a result of "dont ask dont tell (1.00 / 7) (#6)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 12:30:41 AM EST

Then I am outraged. Sure, the faggots just want to march and shoot like the rest of us, or so they say, but less than 10 years later, and they're trying to stick things up veterans' asses.

--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
Spoken like a true vet: (3.00 / 6) (#7)
by IceTitan on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 01:47:32 AM EST

Beer is a carbonated beverage, need I say more?
Nuke 'em from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Killian's Red (none / 0) (#30)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:08:19 PM EST

Airborne! Burp!

Cheers,

Dave


[ Parent ]

Friend of mine (none / 0) (#43)
by IceTitan on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 12:29:22 AM EST

I worked with an old guy who went to Nam. He was an old black guy from southside Chicago who took me in more or less as a serogate son, despite my whiteness. Moreso so he could test out different food recipies. He was a hellofa cook, as I got a little fat. Anyway, he was drafted into the Marines. As he put it, "I graduated from high school and six months later I was in Vietnam." I know he made it to Gunnery Sergeant. I can only assume he went through a lot. He was unfortunately known to drink and come to work. One of his daughters got murdered, which made things worse. He vowed to kill the guy if they ever let him out. Last year, he got laid off by our company.

Three months ago, one of his daughters went by his house and found him dead in his recliner. I haven't heard for certain when or why he died. It was suggested that he had been there a while. I couldn't go to the funeral. It hurt too much. It still does.
Nuke 'em from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
[ Parent ]

He Lived His Life (none / 0) (#45)
by Misterfixit on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 09:31:47 AM EST

Sounds to me like he had the usual rough life that many experience.  Don't weep for him, though.

The only better way to die asleep in your recliner is to die while awake with a 15 year old crack whore doing a hoover job on you.

Vietnam was a shitty place, but not any more shitty than Iraq is today.  Matter of fact, anyone who thinks that anyplace where there is war going on ISN'T shitty is delusional.  Matter of another fact, did you know that human flesh when burning smells exactly the same as a pork chop dropped onto the coals of your back yard charm-glow grill?

I suspect that Black men and Hispanic men got more than their fair share of the war, mainly because of the vagarities of the draft laws at that time.  Rich white boys were a bit more fortunate in many ways.

Personally, I am glad that you had the experience of knowing your friend.  See, not all of us old Vietnam vets are crazy, heroin-addled serial killers.  Just a few.

Cheers,

Dave

[ Parent ]

Matter of fact... (none / 0) (#53)
by ckaminski on Thu Aug 04, 2005 at 03:24:48 PM EST

They don't call man Long Pig for nothing, you know.

[ Parent ]
Hope I die before I get old. . . . (n/t) (2.66 / 3) (#20)
by IHCOYC on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 07:52:50 AM EST


--
"Complecti antecessores tuos in spelæis stygiis Tartari appara," eructavit miles primus.
"Vix dum basiavisti vicarium velocem Mortis," rediit G
How old are the who now?... [nt] (none / 0) (#22)
by monkeymind on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 09:32:48 AM EST


Your witty saying here
[ Parent ]

Good Old Livy (none / 0) (#26)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:01:09 PM EST

Eructus Flatus Ergo Prompter Hoc!

[ Parent ]
Always true... (none / 1) (#40)
by localroger on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 08:46:03 PM EST

...until you actually get old, when trust me you will feel different.

I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
[ Parent ]
Colonoscopies aren't a big deal (3.00 / 2) (#21)
by More Whine on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 09:22:48 AM EST

Having your teeth drilled into because of a couple of cavities is WAAAAY worse than a colonoscopy.  They give you a mild general anasthetic that puts you to sleep for the half hour procedure.  I've already had two done since I was diagnosed with mild ulcerative colitis at age 21 (most people are first diagnosed with UC in their 20's) I inherited it from my mom who had it in her early 20's as well, though after several years it completely went away for her.  The good news is that my last colonoscopy a few months ago showed that my colon was back to being perfectly healthy again.  It did suck being diagnosed in the first place though, considering I'm right in the middle of the normal BMI range (5'9" 162 lbs.) and have never had any other chronic diseases.

Anyway, for all of you people who think having a colonoscopy is the end of the world, you literally don't feel anything, and the after-effects only include some mild flatulence for about six hours.  

"Mild"? (none / 0) (#25)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 02:00:13 PM EST

My driver mentioned that he was going to have to patch the seat covers in the Lincoln's Distinguished Visitor's Seat.

Mild, you say?

YMMV

Cheers,

Dave

[ Parent ]

Yes, mild (none / 0) (#34)
by More Whine on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 03:09:22 PM EST

It went went after many months of taking mesalamine (asacol) tablets, which is basically an anti-inflammatory designed for the colon.  There was mainly just some inflammation in the lower part of the colon, only a few tiny ulcers here and there.  The symptoms started going away after the first few months, and as of right now I have no problems and only take a small maintenance dose to prevent a recurrence.  Hopefully I will stay in remission for a long time like my 54 year old mother has (hasn't had any problems since her mid to late 20's).

[ Parent ]
you got off very lucky (none / 0) (#39)
by mfeltman on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 06:41:38 PM EST

I've had my UC (later re-diagnosed as Crohn's Disease) for 22 years, and it has never been mild.  When I was first diagnosed, the only available drug was Asulfidine, which is similiar to Asacol but less advanced, and FULL of sulfur, which was great for my kidneys (and other organs, too).

I've since become allergic to EVERY drug for Colitis/Crohn's, which means I've been out of remission for about 3 years and there's nothing to do about it except eat very little, mild food and hope for the best.


whisper.


[ Parent ]

No evidence of any Space Alien Probes (3.00 / 2) (#23)
by monkeymind on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 09:34:27 AM EST

Well that is what they told you anyway...

Your witty saying here

And I believed them! (none / 1) (#24)
by Misterfixit on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 01:58:30 PM EST

OMG!  I believed them too ... see that's what you get for going to the Veterans Hospital.  Come to think of it, there were some pretty wierd looking dudes there that day.  OK, I'm going to find an extension mirror at the hardware store and "check my six".

[ Parent ]
Pictures? (none / 0) (#37)
by starX on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 04:33:52 PM EST

Come on man, give the public what they really want! You can just give a detailed report about the inside of your colon without visual aids.

"I like you starX, you disagree without sounding like a fanatic from a rock-solid point of view. Highfive." --WonderJoust
I was sedated. (none / 0) (#38)
by SoupIsGoodFood on Mon Aug 01, 2005 at 06:10:41 PM EST

With quite a big dose, but I can still remember looking at the insides of myself on a TV monitor and asking questions.

The worst part was trying to drink the laxitive, which tasted worse than drinking stagnent sea water.

A colonoscopy isn't bad if they stay in the colon. (none / 1) (#47)
by rianjs on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 11:51:58 AM EST

When I had mine done, they went past the ileocecal sphincter into my small intestine. I don't really feel like re-living it here, but I did write about it after I got home. I'm 22 and it was no fun at all. I'm going to insist on full anesthesia next time.

So that's what it's like to have your ass raped


onthepharm.net
Men should get them in their 20s (none / 0) (#48)
by rianjs on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 11:59:34 AM EST

I forgot to mention that men should ideally have them periodically starting in the mid-20s. Not in their 50s, to be safe.


onthepharm.net

Whaaaaaat? (none / 0) (#49)
by Mr.Surly on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 01:11:11 PM EST

Everything I've ever heard / seen / read says 50+

[ Parent ]
*UNDER* 50 too! (none / 1) (#50)
by eyequeue on Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 05:14:02 PM EST

Speaking as someone who is under 50 myself, ignore those who tell you not to get a colonoscopy until age 50 or later.

What is the reason to get a colonoscopy in the first place? That's right, to detect colorectal cancer early enough to treat it.

I have advanced colorectal cancer and had I had a colonoscopy earlier, I would have a much better likelihood of survival right now.

There is no reason to wait, and every reason not to.

Get one, and do it soon. It's your very life we're talking about. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.




Cancer treatment has not progressed (none / 0) (#54)
by More Whine on Thu Aug 04, 2005 at 10:13:44 PM EST

Good luck.  I just wish that they could give you some type of treatment that was radically different than what was created in the 1950s (radiation therapy) to the 1970s (chemotherapy).  Some of the books I've read from the late 70's made wild-eyed predictions about how cancer death "would largely be eliminated by the 1990s" yet the actual cancer death rate has barely budged since detailed data collection started in 1971.

[ Parent ]
I Have More Memory of Mine (none / 0) (#51)
by OldCoder on Wed Aug 03, 2005 at 12:33:00 PM EST

  1. Big Nurse leaning on my stomach after they pumped it full of air. Getting the camera around a corner I guess.
  2. The beginning of the "Fanatasic Voyage" through the gut.
  3. They made my lie on the bed for a long time afterward until I emitted enough gas to ensure that I wouldn't explode on the ride home.
  4. Turning this way and that on the bed trying to get the gas to leave.
  5. Finally deducing that resting on my belly with my butt in the air would put the bubble where the outlet is.
  6. Six nurses applauding my giant fart as I finally produced.
  7. No problems found.


--
By reading this signature, you have agreed.
Copyright © 2004 OldCoder
Disappointment. (none / 0) (#52)
by grendelkhan on Wed Aug 03, 2005 at 02:39:39 PM EST

I remember when I got my sigmoidoscopy (I was around twenty or twenty-one at the time, I think)---I was surprised that they inflated my intestine with air, which was one of the most unsettlingly weird sensations I've ever experienced, and I was very, very disappointed that the scope was the old kind, not the kind with the TV monitor. I had really been looking forward to seeing myself from the inside.

--grendelkhan
-- Laws do not persuade just because they threaten --Seneca

I bleed, GP not testing me (none / 0) (#55)
by jago25 on Sat Nov 18, 2006 at 11:12:27 AM EST

I regularly bleed.

I'm 25 and doctors have taken no tests.

Just Piles but how will we tell the difference from cancer in later years?

Colonoscopy Report | 55 comments (38 topical, 17 editorial, 0 hidden)
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