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Brewing your own hobo-wine on todays subprime mortgage budget

By lawngnomehitman in Science
Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 02:46:39 PM EST
Tags: homo, hobo, wine, yeast, booze, drunk, drunkard, nazis, drinkin' it up (all tags)

Recently GhostOfTiber posted a story about brewing your own beer.  

I say, if you're going for the real hobo/homeowner experience, just brew wine, it's easier, and I'm fucking lazy.  Also, wine takes about 2 weeks to ferment, none of this worrying about carbonation or anything, let's just get lit!

If you actually care about the way things taste, you might want to make some GhostOfTiber Ale and drink that until you no longer taste things, but that's entirely your prerogative...

Wine is made of 3 basic ingredients (1 fewer than beer):

  1. Water
  2. Sugar
  3. and Yeast
So this makes it cheaper than beer, also, we can just use normal sugar, fuck that malt sugar stuff, we're trying to get DRUNK. So here's the hobo plan to getting all fired up on prison wine on the cheap.  Simply follow these steps and you'll end up drunk and naked in someone else's living room before you know it! (not that I speak from experience, it was just a dream, that's my story, fuck you all...).  LETS BEGIN:

Getting started: gather the following:

  • 5 gallon water jug (if you're a techie, just steal this from work, no-one will notice the missing jug, especially not the guy who comes in and replaces the empties with fulls).  PROTIP: these are easier to steal when they're empty (end of the day) or you're drunk (every day). PROTIP 2: Try not to steal more than 1 between refills, if the guy comes in to replace the empties with fulls and finds 0 empties, someone might get suspicious...
  • 10 cans of something sugary from your grocer's frozen aisle (but let it come to room temperature before using it), usually this is going to be grape juice, if you want to keep this hobo-hooch a little close to wine, otherwise, just pick something with sugar in it that is expected to be drunk after having been mixed with water.  IDEA: Perhaps the stuff that suggests you mix it with vodka will work well in this situation, as we'll be making our own alcohol, but I don't know, never tried that, too rich for my hobo blood.
  • MOAR SUGAR: nah, just 2-3 5lb bags of sugar. Use 2 if you want dry wine, 3 if you want sweet (remember, we're making 5 gallons here)
  • WATER - should be free, you're not really a hobo, you're just drinking like one...
  • FUNNEL - clean it first, who knows what is growing in there...
  • RUBBER BAND - although, if, by some miracle or mistake of nature you have a girlfriend, you've got a rubberband, christ, you've probably got half a fucking million of them, she calls them "hair ties", remove one of the ones you've got wrapped around your ballsack for this project, you can put it back later.
  • Balloon, a condom could do in a pinch, I suppose, but if you use a condom, make sure it's one of the ones without spermicide on it... you don't want that in your high-class hooch!
  • Active Dry Yeast - not going to offer the best flavor, but it's cheap as fuck, and you're a hobo, so this is an EPIC WIN


  1. Sterilize EVERYTHING! - assume it all has herpes! - your last girlfriend did - mix 6 tbsp bleach with 5 gallons water in that water jug you stole from work.  Swirl it around, make sure it touches all of the surfaces on the inside of the bottle, then pour it through the funnel, and on the outside of the funnel, as well as on the outsides of the outside of the cans of sugary-drink (grape concentrate) and the lid for the water jug. Then pour it down the drain, See that shiny shit?!?- that's what it looks like when you clean your trailer!  
  2. Boil some water, and let it cool off to the point that you're ok putting your hand in it, BUT DON'T PUT YOUR HERPES RIDDEN APPENDAGE IN THAT WATER!!
  3. Rinse everything that was touched with the bleach water, to get rid of the bleach residue.
  4. Now that you've got all of the little herpes out of there, we can get started making the hooch!    Boil water, cool it, and then dump it into the jug until you get the jug about 75% full with water, then stop filling it.
  5. Add the 10 cans of sugary-water-shit at room temperature.
  6. Add all of the sugar.
  7. Cap the water jug, and shake the shit out of it, until everything is all homogeneous, THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE FAGGOTRY, it just means "the same", shake the shit out of it until it's all the same in there.
  8. Start your yeast - follow the instructions on the package, usually this involves mixing the yeast into sugar water at about 110 deg F, give it about 10 minutes, when it's pretty frothy, proceed.
  9. Take the cap off of the water jug, and dump the started yeast in there.
  10. Cap that shit, and shake it again, moar air in the water = better environment for the yeast to make your booze = better drunkenness!
  11. Take the cap off and put the balloon/condom over the mouth of the jug, and then put the whole situation in a closet. (NOTE: If you're feeling particularly lazy, you can put a tiny pin-hole in the balloon to allow it to gas-out on its own, this should not affect the quality of your hobo-wine)
  12. Go do your standard thing for the next 2 weeks.
  13. Check the balloon once daily to be sure it's not going to burst, if it bursts all that hard work gets you VINEGAR, which you can't get drunk from, so that's a fail!  MAKE SURE THAT FUCKING BALLOON DOES NOT BREAK!!!!!!  If it looks like it's about to burst, you need to burp it so that the pressure is relieved, but don't let any air get in there.
  14. Go on with your normal life: work, drink, masturbate, sleep, GOTO 0...
  15. After 2 weeks, take the balloon off of the jug and get your biggest straw, it's ready to drink!!!!1
  16. If you remember, cap it before you pass out for the night, otherwise you end up with rank wine by the end of the week, and your life still sucks regardless...


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Brewing your own hobo-wine on todays subprime mortgage budget | 34 comments (31 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
THE SPOILS OF HOOCH (3.00 / 2) (#1)
by GhostOfTiber on Tue Jun 03, 2008 at 08:49:49 PM EST


[Nimey's] wife's ass is my cocksheath. - undermyne

WHAT CONCERNS YOU? (none / 0) (#2)
by lawngnomehitman on Tue Jun 03, 2008 at 09:15:33 PM EST


[ Parent ]
out of curosity (none / 0) (#4)
by tolomea on Tue Jun 03, 2008 at 11:04:24 PM EST

what do you do if it looks like the balloon is going to burst?

You have 2 options... (none / 0) (#7)
by lawngnomehitman on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 09:41:48 AM EST

Will edit the article, you can either burp the balloon, or before starting, put a small pinhole in the baloon, so that when it gets to a certain pressure, it will gas-out itself.

[ Parent ]
what exactly does burping mean? (none / 0) (#22)
by j1mmy on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 12:37:28 PM EST

popping it off real quick to let the air out, or something else?

[ Parent ]
Just pulling the collar open enough to let (none / 0) (#23)
by lawngnomehitman on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 03:29:57 PM EST

the gas escape, and the balloon deflate to a reasonable size.  I wouldn't fully remove it from the neck of the bottle, but I would just pull it open enough to let the pressure inside the balloon equalize with the pressure of the balloon to not be huge.

[ Parent ]
by EMOTIVE GUY on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 12:54:32 AM EST

They told me to go easy on cock for a few days, but I didn't listen
- MotorMachineMercenary

you call that wine? (none / 0) (#6)
by tetsuwan on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 03:06:15 AM EST


Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance

You of all people should know about Kilju. (none / 0) (#19)
by EMOTIVE GUY on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 12:54:13 AM EST

They told me to go easy on cock for a few days, but I didn't listen
- MotorMachineMercenary

[ Parent ]
"steve, don't eat it" did it better (3.00 / 5) (#8)
by circletimessquare on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 09:49:04 AM EST


the whole series is the best of teh intarwebs:


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

My favorite was chocolate breastmilk (none / 1) (#15)
by lawngnomehitman on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 03:18:38 PM EST

I shot coffee through my nose when I read about adding chocolate to it...

[ Parent ]
so u like black chicks? (none / 0) (#21)
by circletimessquare on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 11:25:34 AM EST

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
The cheapest DIY liquor (3.00 / 8) (#10)
by ksandstr on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 10:30:07 AM EST

Is known by varying names around the world, and is favoured by punk rock enthusiasts and fourteen-year-old rebels worldwide. Its ingredients are:

  * Yeast
  * Sugar
  * Water

The tools required are very simple: a jug. Any jug will do. If you can splurge for a bucket instead of a 1,5l Coca-Cola bottle, then gg you bourgeois bastard, punk will never die.

Following this list of materials we can go to the convenience store and dig around in the trash container until we find a couple of bags of baking sugar (typically one kilogram per bag), some baking yeast and perhaps even a suitable jug. If you want to be fancy, you can clean the jug with e.g. lighter fuel or some such: sterilizing kills bugs right? Remember to light the fuel, otherwise your wine will turn out horrible.

Mix the ingredients in the jug. Yeah, all of them -- top it up with water and mix. Remember to leave the top of the jug open to avoid an explosion and a long explanation to your parents on how you haven't actually fallen into bad company. Let it sit for like a few days, until the yeast has converted enough sugar into ethanol to kill itself off, and drink.

The projectile diarrhea you may experience is just a sign that you need to man up and drink moar.


Can we say that you should Cowboy up, instead? (none / 1) (#14)
by Hiphopopotamus on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 01:09:25 PM EST

I think it has an interesting ring to it.

I'm In LOVE!
[ Parent ]

Well in your case (none / 1) (#16)
by ksandstr on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 06:59:35 PM EST

I suppose we'd be talking about mounting up.

[ Parent ]
I'm not a horse fan. (none / 0) (#18)
by Hiphopopotamus on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 09:33:54 PM EST

We have Mounties in Canada, tho.

I'm In LOVE!
[ Parent ]

Like that matters (none / 0) (#24)
by ksandstr on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 10:38:02 PM EST

All you need is the saddle.

[ Parent ]
jail hooch is cheaper (none / 1) (#12)
by thankyougustad on Wed Jun 04, 2008 at 05:47:08 PM EST

water, jolly ranchers, and white bread.

No no thanks no
Je n'aime que le bourbon
no no thanks no
c'est une affaire de goût.

now with extra ergot mold (none / 1) (#34)
by Ron Paul on Fri Dec 26, 2008 at 01:08:36 AM EST

for added effect.

This [Ron Paul] Diary! has brought Kuro5hin back to life! HUZZAH

[ Parent ]

Next one... (none / 1) (#13)
by mirko on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 05:07:47 AM EST

Would someone describe how to make vodka on a budget using this kind of words?
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
This was the first step (3.00 / 2) (#17)
by OXDEADBEEF on Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 08:14:26 PM EST

Now you only lack a distillation howto. (distill a few time for vodka), first distillation of the stuff would be brandy assuming you used grapejuice.

[ Parent ]
I believe ghost of tiber has the expertise (none / 0) (#20)
by lawngnomehitman on Fri Jun 06, 2008 at 09:00:09 AM EST

on distillation...

[ Parent ]
Indeed (none / 0) (#25)
by regeya on Tue Jun 24, 2008 at 11:35:57 PM EST

Vodka, whiskey...you need a still. I know some folks who make corn likker (NO FOOD FOR BOOZE! amirite? ;-) and I've seen a brilliant indie film from Russia on distilling vodka...basically the same thing.

[ yokelpunk | kuro5hin diary ]
[ Parent ]

Home distillation (none / 0) (#28)
by lewiscr on Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 12:33:32 PM EST

Keep in mind that all forms of home distillation are illegal in the US and a lot of other countries.

Most people assume this is because of the government taxes.  But there are legit safety concerns.  A hot still is major fire hazard (you're producing a flammable liquid over an open flame).  Cold distillation doesn't remove the alcohol that you don't want to drink, the stuff that makes you go blind or dead.

And there's the questions of "Why bother?"  Just drink the hooch as is, and skip the distillation hassle.  Much easier. :-)

Obviously, it can be done safely.  Just learn how to do it right before you do it.  There's plenty of resources on the web for doing it safely.

[ Parent ]

almost ready... (none / 0) (#26)
by satHan on Sun Jun 29, 2008 at 06:24:32 PM EST

So my batch of this stuff is due to be ready in the next couple days - exactly how foul should I expect it to taste?

Ingredients (total cost per batch: 15$):
15lbs white sugar,
10 x can berry fruit cocktail concentrate
active dry yeast,

Are we thinking really really foul? In any case, sweeeeeeet dranks.
-- At least the war on the environment is going well.

The Alaskan Bootlegger's Bible (none / 0) (#27)
by lewiscr on Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 12:22:31 PM EST

I picked up the book "The Alaskan Bootlegger's Bible" a while back.  It has a lot of recipes, ranging from sugar+water+yeast to real beer and wine.  Includes a bunch of on-the-cheap or in-the-outback tips too, including making your own equipment.

Excellent book for brewers, if only for the "You can do that?" epiphany.

Carboys (none / 1) (#29)
by lewiscr on Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 12:40:56 PM EST

5 gallon water jug (if you're a techie, just steal this from work... PROTIP: these are easier to steal when they're empty (end of the day) or you're drunk (every day).
Lazy Tip: Steal these 5 gallon jugs full and sealed. They're already sterile, so you can skip sanitizing the jug and boiling the water. Just pour some water out to make room for the concentrate and sugar.

Better yet, don't steal them. Borrow them, brew in your cubicle, rinse when empty and return.

Share the wealth (none / 1) (#31)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 14, 2008 at 01:01:33 PM EST

return while full, not empty
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
YOU SIR (none / 0) (#33)
by lawngnomehitman on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 09:15:11 PM EST

make a great point... They don't have water bottles at my current job, probably for this exact reason, everyone would make their own wine under their desk, and just sip from it instead of drinking coffee...  Kinda makes me wish I worked somewhere that I could get away with doing this (probably could have gotten away with it at the last place I worked, I was quitting anyway...)

[ Parent ]
√ (none / 0) (#30)
by QuantumFoam on Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 09:29:32 AM EST

- Barack Obama: Because it will work this time. Honest!

Feel Good Piece (none / 0) (#32)
by PunkAssBitch on Wed Jul 16, 2008 at 05:58:20 PM EST

The author had a friendly tone that made me feel as though he genuinely cares.  The clear goals ("none of this worrying about carbonation or anything, let's just get lit"), gentle guidance ("DON'T PUT YOUR HERPES RIDDEN APPENDAGE IN THAT WATER"), and comforting assurances ("THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE FAGGOTRY") really lent this piece the power and compassion that only a true prose classic can possess.

Seriously, I laffed by balls off and might actually make some of this rot gut shit. I've home brewed before and considered making wine, but have gotten sick of the incessant unhealthy fixation on "taste" and "quality" typically associated with these endeavors.

Off topic:  Hey wtf happened to k5 ... this place used to be a thriving inerwebz metropolis where great shit like this got front paged every 12 minutes, and now tumbleweed is blowing in the whitespace between the HTML?

Brewing your own hobo-wine on todays subprime mortgage budget | 34 comments (31 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
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