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The Secret: A Review of Dulcinea Technologies Corporation's Debut Product

By cockskin horsesuit in Technology
Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 01:52:24 PM EST
Tags: sodomy, horsecock, GayForCrawford, The Secret (all tags)

After weeks of e-mails and days of phone calls, yesterday I drove to San Jose for a demo of Michael David Crawford's secret project. Michael was eager to show off his work, but urged me not to share my interest with the K5 community.


We had arranged to meet at Denny's on Berryessa Road. I spotted him immediately in the parking lot. Michael was wearing his best pair of neatly-pressed chinos, black button-down shirt, and a weather-beaten Panama hat. He avoided eye contact as I approached him, seeming to withdraw within the locks of his goatee. "You must be Cockskin Horsesuit," he said. "I'm Michael David Crawford, President and CEO of Dulcinea Technologies Corporation. Let's go inside." With that he grabbed his demo bag and headed for the entrance.

We were greeted by the hostess, a pretty brunette of about 17. Crawford reached into his bag and pulled out a Geometric Visions CD, and stiffly proffered it to her. "She's new," Michael muttered to me. After being seated in a suitably secluded booth per Crawfordian requirements, Michael set up his laptop and connected to the DENNYS wireless network. Our waitress came over for our drink orders. I had an iced tea, Crawford a Coca Cola with lemon. Michael gave her two Geometric Visions CD's. "Keep one and play the other on your sound system," Crawford ordered proudly. The waitress sighed. "Mike, you already gave me five of these. I'm not going to play your CD here again, you know how that went over last time."

,____,
/ |
(c O O YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY CLIENT!!!
| ^) /
~ O

"YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY CLIENT," Michael thundered, shaking with agitation. By then his laptop, a 2004-vintage Sony Vaio showing its wear underneath a fresh coat of polish, had finally finished booting OS/2. Michael loaded up Ogg Frog and opened the Geometric Visions playlist. Soon the tinny notes of Emergence filled the booth, emanating from his portable PC speakers. "You get two demos for the price of one," said Crawford. "I wanted to show you the drag-and-drop interface. It would be very simple to implement this on OS/2. However the drag-and-drop internals on OS/2 diverged substantially from Windows OLE. Ogg Frog is platform-independent, so I am working on a generic drag-and-drop abstraction layer. It's mostly complete but has a few bugs that I am working on in my spare time. But first things first."

Crawford pulled out a 17-page nondisclosure agreement from his bag. The last 15 pages seemed to be a reworked version of his essay, "The Ethical Engineer." I flipped through the pages, initialed each one and signed at the end. What Crawford did not know was that I had consulted my attorney, Ogg Law, who had advised me that for a contract to be valid, both parties must be competent. Since Crawford is obviously batshit insane, nothing I signed could possibly be enforceable.

Crawford then opened his the Secret folder on his desktop.

"The product is called Blogg Frog," said Crawford, shamelessly shifting in his seat. Ever since the music had started, I could not help but notice the obvious tenting in the crotch of his chinos. "I started Dulcinea Technologies Corporation to move in a completely different direction. I'm putting my embedded software experience to use to develop an off-the-shelf web application. I intend to sell this product and my consulting services associated with it, and to use it for the greater good of Humanity and Justice."

By now Crawford had started and crashed his web browser, Ogg Browse, a few times. "Ogg Browse is something that's really in pre-alpha stage, but I believe in eating my own dog food. You would think by now, with solid XHTML standards, someone would have written a truly compliant and clean, platform-independent browser. But they are all shit. Ogg Browse is standards-compliant, platform-independent, and is Software of Elegance and Beauty. It just needs more features."

By now Crawford had managed to load the Blogg Frog homepage in Ogg Browse. Ogg Browse consists of a single window with no menus and lacked support for features like images, CSS, fonts, and text markup. However, it does support links, basic GET forms, and Ogg Frog integration.

Michael explained that Blogg Frog would be the platform for an enlightened, Free discussion community where great minds would exchange ideas and essays unfettered by censorship and the negativity of Ignorant Motherfuckers. Blogg Frog would be the engine of his Secret. Crawford flapped his hands as he recalled his excitement at finding PRQ in Sweden to host his community. "They are truly committed to Free Speech. They will fight any legal threats. They are immune to United States jurisdiction and have their own in-house department of Swedish lawyers to fend off my persecutors!"

Michael then explained why he needed a dedicated server. "I know I won't be using much bandwidth at first. Blogg Frog will host a text-based site, and the initial content will just be my essays about certain Ignorant Motherfuckers and software design. But I'm not about to start using PHP and SQL databases. Blogg Frog keeps its datastore in FoxPro 2. That won't run on Linux or OS/2 so I have an integration layer to FoxPro 2 running on DR-DOS in a virtual machine. I'd rather use a modern embedded database, so the public release of Blogg Frog will be using Metakit."

At this exact moment, Ogg Browse dumped core and Crawford's fly ripped open, strained as was by his massive erection of animal proportions. Crawford's pale, blue-veined penis sprang forth at its full 14-inch length. Just then our waitress arrived with a tray of wings, cheese sticks, and fries for Crawford. The PC speakers were belting out the final strains of Sahara as she caught sight of Crawford's engorged manmeat, dropped the tray to the floor with a crash and screamed like a banshee in heat. The sound of the distressed woman was enough to push the over-excited Crawcock over the edge.

SPLORK! Gobs of semen rained on me, Crawford's grubby VAIO, and the humiliated waitress. In shock, I felt my gorge rise and an acidic geyser of iced tea vomited from my mouth, cannoning on a stack of Geometric Visions CDs and Crawford's wilting member.

That's the last thing I can remember at Denny's. I don't know how I got home. I woke up in bed, caked in my own vomit and clasping an empty bottle of cheap vodka.

Crawford, Fuck you and Fuck your Secret. I wish I never knew.

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The Secret: A Review of Dulcinea Technologies Corporation's Debut Product | 28 comments (23 topical, 5 editorial, 0 hidden)
I wish more parents would (3.00 / 11) (#3)
by tdillo on Fri Mar 05, 2010 at 08:43:08 PM EST

give their children names like Cockskin Horsesuit. I honestly believe the world would be the better for it.

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.


LOL (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by Harry B Otch on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 11:59:12 AM EST

Everyone who 3'd your comment has a silly pun name anyway.  Except for me, of course.

-----
Repent of your worldly evasion of what it is to be a man, and be one! - R. Rustov
[ Parent ]

MINE IS NO PUN (none / 0) (#15)
by LilDebbie on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 08:09:42 PM EST

and the staggeringly gay thing is that people refers to me by it or its derivatives, e.g. debbie, debs, offline. i get the greatest looks from 3rd parties when some anon yells to me "hey debbie!" and i respond as a mountain man looking motherfucker.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
You are such a faggot (none / 1) (#17)
by Nimey on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 08:52:43 PM EST

Mountain men don't have Guy Fawkes facial hair.
--
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

[ Parent ]
i don't at present (none / 1) (#20)
by LilDebbie on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 09:05:42 PM EST

winter beard is still in effect. the only trimming i do is around the mouth so i'm not constantly eating it. i am in full jeebus mode.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
do you really associate with anons irl (none / 0) (#23)
by Delirium on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 05:41:20 AM EST



[ Parent ]
HOW WOULD HE KNOW? (none / 1) (#24)
by Ruston Rustov on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 06:39:06 AM EST


I had had incurable open sores all over my feet for sixteen years. The doctors were powerless to do anything about it. I told my psychiatrist that they were psychosomatic Stigmata - the Stigmata are the wounds Jesus suffered when he was nailed to the cross. Three days later all my sores were gone. -- Michael Crawford
Maybe tomorrow. -- Michael Crawford
As soon as she has her first period, fuck your daughter. -- localroger

[ Parent ]
i do (none / 0) (#25)
by LilDebbie on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 12:03:58 PM EST

they're a very eclectic bunch

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Wow (none / 1) (#6)
by Vidatu on Fri Mar 05, 2010 at 10:32:42 PM EST

Hilarious.....

Why not 1 FP


Insert witty quip here["7734206"]


Y so GAY 4 Crawford SRSLY!? (1.68 / 16) (#7)
by localroger on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 09:26:41 AM EST

If this place gets any gayer for Crawford we are going to seriously have to start figuring out who is the biker, the construction worker, the indian, the cowboy, the sailor, and the cop. If we go ahead and get it done we may still have enough users to form the entire band.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity. -- Bill Maher
You say that like it's a bad thing. $ (3.00 / 2) (#8)
by cockskin horsesuit on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 10:31:12 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Y so JELOUS? (3.00 / 7) (#9)
by Corey Haim on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 10:48:51 AM EST

remember back in 2002 when the talking spaceship fans (r.i.p.) were all "mmm, I'd like to get local rogered!"

remember when that young asian guy wanted to dock with you and you were bawling your eyes out, blubbering "i can't! i have no foreskin! they ripped it off when i was just a defenceless baby!" and he put his arm around you and said don't worry, i've got enough for the both of us?

i remember

[ Parent ]

What makes you think I'm trying to be funny? (3.00 / 2) (#14)
by localroger on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 07:59:29 PM EST

This place passed funny about two years ago.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity. -- Bill Maher
[ Parent ]
its obvious you were trying to be funny (3.00 / 2) (#18)
by nateo on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 09:01:42 PM EST

on account of you weren't, in fact, being funny

--
"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
[ Parent ]
ooo (none / 0) (#21)
by /dev/trash on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 11:29:43 PM EST

can I be the biker?

---
Updated 02/20/2004
New Site
[ Parent ]
SRY I think MMM has dibs. $ (none / 1) (#29)
by localroger on Tue Mar 09, 2010 at 10:34:09 PM EST



And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity. -- Bill Maher
[ Parent ]
-1: leave the man alone$ (none / 0) (#12)
by mirko on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 01:21:15 PM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
ridiculous (none / 1) (#19)
by nateo on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 09:02:35 PM EST

you wish people wrote stuff like this about you.  admit it.

--
"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
[ Parent ]
Who was the chick who used to post like this? (none / 1) (#16)
by Wen Jian on Sat Mar 06, 2010 at 08:42:13 PM EST


It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
superdiva? (none / 0) (#26)
by horny smurf on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 05:36:11 PM EST



[ Parent ]
My Skin is thicker than this, I'm afraid. (1.16 / 6) (#22)
by Michael David Crawford on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 03:24:02 AM EST

You're just going to have to try harder.

But thanks for the link!



is this real? (none / 0) (#27)
by hugin on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 07:08:15 PM EST

crawford is blurring the lines between fiction aand reality.

This is a clip that shows the Phantom makeup being applied to Michael Crawford as well as other behind-the-scenes footage as he prepares to perform on the Bob Hope Show. A must-have for any Crawford fan. Enjoy!

lOL. i have a sony PCG circa 2003 (none / 0) (#28)
by hugin on Sun Mar 07, 2010 at 07:10:28 PM EST

thing is an early netbook.

This is a clip that shows the Phantom makeup being applied to Michael Crawford as well as other behind-the-scenes footage as he prepares to perform on the Bob Hope Show. A must-have for any Crawford fan. Enjoy!

The Secret: A Review of Dulcinea Technologies Corporation's Debut Product | 28 comments (23 topical, 5 editorial, 0 hidden)
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